Brooklyn 99 but it's just Kevin being iconic | Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Kevin Cosner entering the kitchen oh hey there Kev I was just grabbing a bite to eat can I offer you something well I shouldn't but today's been a fiasco so what the hell I'll have a snack of some water put this on a rose shearing head at work people think I'm demented just put it on Kevin Dr Einstein not Professor mgal why is BL dressed as me why are you upset with me your employees are the ones putting a damper on the party they are acting terribly you're the one who's been acting terribly tonight you've been curd and snobby with my guests you've been needling poor so much you practically made him a new suit needled him a new suit even when we're fighting you're hilarious stop it stop it so nice of you to stop bye Kevin enjoy your day I hope it's productive thank you Raymond I hope your day is productive as well PDA in the office my my couldn't help myself oh may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work yes thank you for asking for permission thank you for granting it and foral I hope this will do it's a can of orange soda from when some other children visited it's perfect everyone's plans seem lovely oh he coing I didn't say har how unfortunate so glad you could make it oh and look he brought us some wine drink this is legally called wine drink how very thoughtful thank you it's red like blood you know I worked at double homicide on this block a couple years ago the details will Astound you yes I'm sorry perhaps Raymond didn't say anything our home has a no shop talk policy I don't bring home Bay Wolf and he doesn't bring home cop stories so may I pour you some of this wine drink you brought us perhaps all of it all of it sounds good my calendar had the lake house is free strange mine had it as unoccupied well it seems we're at an impass I would call it more of a deadlock he gets in such good zingers Kev Jake it's after midnight this it better be about a murder no I wish look I'm really sorry but I have to talk to Captain Holt Raymond your work life is here please come in take off your shoes neither of us want that thank you lovely party Kevin these tiny pickles are hilarious they're called cornishon WP there it is got to say I could have used a little more oomph on the wp that's the oiestad well hello there Raymond ditch me Kevin and I am detective Jacob Peralta we didn't have anything else to wear so we just switched he understands oh no that's Raymond that's how he opens the door Kevin are you still in here uh yes Raymond I'm in the stall uh some tickets will just released for M's fourth Symphony this weekend great that sounds great let's do it fantastic now which section do you prefer the first tier the second tier the third tier the first tier now which section of the first tier right left right center Center just any section is fine any section well someone had pepper on their eggs this morning I'll buy the tickets any section who could have cost him his life what life Raymond I spend every day lying on the floor of that house talking with Jake about popular culture do you know what it means to clap back Raymond because I do Gina has brought back all the silverware that she stole from your house what also this clock good Heavens this isn't ours and my contribution will be to refrain from discussing the New Yorker for the rest of my living days enjoy thank you Jake you're welcome Kevin call me Kev oh right oh he told you to say that didn't he well you are always playing pranks on me Raymond just once let me be the funny one you know Kevin maybe if we figure out what caused Raymond's bad mood we could fix it great idea do you know I suppose we could look into it yes great let's go right now no time to lose don't look just run you're trying to get me out of here before I see the orange soda you spilled on that chair on AR you I'm already out the door it worked thanks for inviting me over for dinner boy that's hung in a real prominent place isn't it not for long I was manipulated sorry Kevin don't apologize to him Terry it's his first Heist he needs to learn keep going I got to hand it to you captain that was some ceremony it wasn't difficult I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married oh well then I never would have heard your hilarious efficient officient quip you're right I regret nothing but all this does make me think I might enjoy a more festive expression of our commitment to one another are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding nothing too elaborate we're not the Kardashian wests after all they are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded yes yes I know they were answers on Jeopardy I think you mean questions you guys are fun Kevin carner preparing to descend the master staircase oh I see you changed into your mock turtleneck and you into your exercise shorts okay we can't stream anything but I brought my DVD collection do you like Nick Cage movies I don't know who that is only the greatest and most compelling actor of all time what are his movies like describe them okay well one of them is the FBI has developed face swapping technology not interested there's a whole Plane full of convicts on the back of the original Declaration of Independence there's a hidden treasure map stop but that's the smartest one I can't have more of these trophies in our home the cumberbun was already in the living room what's next a rusty medical bracelet suspended above our bed yes I remember you told me you played in college three-time intramural champion at Sarah Lawrence would have been four but senior year I played grease ball in our school's production of Starlight Express interesting casting we don't have time for this in kidnapping to the first 48 Hours of the most crucial right and in dog years that's only 7 hours why would you say that this is why everyone prefers that dog to you everyone [Music] good dog oh Mr cheddar how I've missed you we both have I'm putting that GPS tag on your collor immediately damn it it's not here I'm wearing Peralta's pants G and now my hands are sticky my orange is beginning to rot that happens when you leave an orange sitting around for too long and refuse to even let that orange go to a library for 2 hours so it can feel like a real orange again we need to teach you how to move talk and act exactly like Kevin in other words we have ourselves a pigmon situation exactly a Pig mailman situation it'll be okay well it'll be okay let's get started yes let's get started it's getting worse spot on Kevin look Raymond a yellow crusted warbler look Raymond a yellow crusted warbler no you're too excited the warbler is a common bird and then I said which metamorphosis Kafka or ID he loves it he loves it so that's the joke now you tell it oh okay so a professor walks into a rare books collection no you've ruined it now it's not funny look Raymond a yellow crusted warbler look Raymond a yellow crusted warbler not excited enough they may be common but they're still Birds the 92nd Street y had a wonderful Symposium on just that topic that's it you're getting it ah cool co co co co cool oh don't say cool instead say indeed oh indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed that's weird look Raymond a yellow crusted warbler yes that's the right level of excitement for such a bird you've captured the essence of Kevin you've done it correction I've accomplished it indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed he's calling wait Kevin we didn't go over how you answer the phone there isn't time just answer you've reached Professor Kevin Cosner please start speaking when I finish this sentence Oh my God I'm so glad Captain Hall finally agreed to let you come visit I missed you so much me too um is there a way we could get a bit more privacy just pretend I'm not here God knows I am probability doesn't kick in do I have to teach you college level statistics I don't know do I have to teach you high school statistics do I have to teach you eighth grade statistics do I have to teach you seventh grade statistics do I have to teach you Kevin has arrived with proof that I am the only two-time winner of the highest here's your coming B Rond I don't have time for this sir I'm going to go search the first floor and I will search the second floor we are an Inseparable team that was a devious FIB I'm betraying her even as we speak hey good Diaz and I are overtly working together she snuck up through the vents this is a major reveal I feel like you're not appreciating it I don't like these heists or what they bring out in you oh clam it Kevin clam it cheddar perhaps we should leave I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of what are those things you're always eating pizza Bagels no pizza rolls pizza poppers pizza ritos pizza pockets that's it how much longer will we be forced to live inside this pizza pocket but there was one other person who was also over compensating you Kevin even better than a plain scone plain scone plain scone I should have known you were lying there's nothing better than a plain scone this is ridiculous is it of how the pie was disposed of placed gently with two hands inside the bin that's exactly how you always throw away garbage it is there's only one thing I still can't figure out why'd you do it because it's disgusting oh my that pie is an Abomination it has beef sew it and apple seeds in it why it's a walnut pie if we brought that to my family's house they would have said something I was trying to protect you why didn't you just tell me the truth because I love our annual trips to Saratoga Springs the two of us driving in silence looking at the barren trees it's perfect I I didn't want to lose that I'm sorry I don't know why we can't still make the drive next year we just don't have to buy the pie a trip with no purpose Raymond hello sir how'd you find us out M's fourth Symphony he'd never sit in just any section I might I'm flexible oh really you'd sit Center left in Tony alley I'll purchase those tickets right away no don't fine it's a Vendetta Vendetta sure okay I think you're actually going to like this one Nick Cage is a chemist interesting keep going who has to break into alcatra absolutely not are there no other actors it's Captain Hol hello Captain and you're both dead you didn't ask for the password what if I were an assassin wearing a hyper realistic latex mask or perhaps you employed face off technology what I broke down and watched one of Peralta's action films I'm lying I watch them all including one whereing a man's head turns into a flaming skull Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider too both Master pie yes I need your help remit luckily I come bearing good news my friend in the organized crime unit tells me that they're moving against Murphy tonight oh my god really you're serious you mean to say this could be ending foral it's happening it's finally happening call everyone we'll get aive feet of the raid and have a viewing party Tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree cuz this boy's coming home Conor what have I become what's today's lecture about I know you don't care about that just ask me what you want to ask me can I play with your laser pointer you know the laser pointer is a bit of a misnomer it is simply a laser the pointer is you that was awesome take a first spin don't mind if I do good afternoon class allow me to make my first point very impressive thank you very much Kevin but I do have five additional points to make chair chair wall chair Captain Holt Captain HT no okay sir the kidnapper should be calling with his demands any minute if we can trace his location we can find your fuzzy boy that fuzzy He's fluffy we don't know what he is anymore he could be fuzzy he could be anything Raymond he could be scruffy now you've upset Kevin I hope you're happy why would I be happy I clearly just mixed up fuzzy and fluffy just you're fired I want your shield and your peace that seems a little extreme Jake is right thank you K just suspend him without pay why did you ask for my help so that New Yorker article about human trafficking we were discussing yeah so interesting especially the first two paragraphs right but what did you think of the thesis Vis modern slavery and its undeniable role in the economy good and if you ask me the whole thesis was way off base Vis the rest of the article Vis A America the article was anti-slavery are you saying that slavery is good you know I think you're missing the point of the article you must not be remembering it right well I just read it last night as I got in bed it's quite fresh in my memory you know I would like to hear more of your thoughts and I would love to give them to you but unfortunately I have got to hit the crap Library excuse me one second yeah Santiago settle a little tiff that Kevin and I are having let's be honest Raymond it's not a tiff it's a row and now it's a scene it's okay sir we don't want to get involved in your personal life personal it's a math problem Raymond and I had dinner together last night for the first time in two weeks thanks to the night shift and Kevin thought it would be fun to spoil our date with an anain math problem to which his answer is wrong enough foreplay let's get to the numbers it's the Monty Hall problem imagine you're on a game show there are three doors behind one of which is a car you're telling it wrong there are three doors behind one of which is a car you pick a door the host who knows where the car is opens a different door showing you there's nothing behind it now the host asks if you'd like to choose the other unopened door or should you do it no yes it's simple math it doesn't make any sense to switch the prize is behind one of two doors it's a 50/50 chance either way it's 2/3 if you switch 1/3 if you don't the probability locks in when you make the choice we've been over this eight times seven times now you can't even do simple addition Kevin is right you're fired what ah okay good cuz what I really wanted to say is next hece I'm going to drown you in your own blood oh yeah well then I'm going to rip your arms off and beat you to death with them I'm going to slice your Achilles tendons peel off your fingernails and stick knitting needles in your eyes oh damn Raymond you were right these heists are fun going out into public is a huge risk so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques usually you warn somebody before you do that Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial cool so he's a great teacher but I will say this if you're going to do a throat punch it is key that you say something cool afterwards like choke on that right but they're not choking they're experiencing Airway trauma ooh how about better get some C Co steroids to treat that lenial fracture okay yeah that's very informative and quite polite three antique coins were stolen from my Classics department at Columbia so why not ask Captain hold for help on the case wait are you guys getting a divorce I can handle it this doesn't bring up any weird issues for me no it's nothing like that Raymond's a brilliant detective it's just when a case involves me he can get a little over emotional you remember the safe house oh yeah he went crazy but I also remember you and me becoming best friends and watching every Nick Cage movie ever made can you still quote them all no I purged myself of that nonsense I bet it's still in there we'll see there's a chance it's in there i' put money that maybe it's there you're losing your money okay so will you help me I don't know I want to but keeping a secret from H that's a lot of pressure H am I remembering correctly don't you eat pressure for breakfast Nick Cage in the Rock we are best friends I am so in and in an even weirder way I think I might actually miss you huh and in an even weirder way I want you guys to be my dads that is weirder yeah I got stuff I uh brought you your box of DVDs H thank you oh forgot about this one we never watched Captain carelli's mandolin what the hell did you just say captain Carell's mandolin say that to my face Captain G's mandolin there was a movie about a mandolin and you kept it from me for two months well I didn't think it was any good it's just some period piece set in Greece based on some dumb book terribly sorry it has been a very trying time yeah next thing you're going to say you wish we had watched Leaving Las Vegas a dark ponderous reflection on alcoholism that earn cages Oscar oh a what I told you the guy got range you're both going to die now better get some corticosteroids to treat that lingal fracture sorry I couldn't bring myself to call him a dirt bag and why would you a dirt bag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner clearly it's a compliment oh you guys are so perfect for each other do you Kevin yes and do you yes yes we do we're married to sleep at the wheel Alistair you're an embarrassment really well at least I've never confused St Augustine with boethus oh who gives a rat's ass about boethus Wesley what are you doing Kevin I'm creating a kurur fuffle oh damn sure my husband is a hot piece of ass but he is so much more than just that Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place one day I hope to live up to the standard you set you make me want to have a wetter brain oh [Music] Kevin y'all are hella specific people don't run to each other in the rain Raymond Raymond H Kevin Raymond Raymond am I too late too late my friend saw your dating profile and your photo without collor stays I thought I'd lost you you will never lose me I'll do anything to keep you I'll compromise on everything the work the Nancy Myers never fails NYPD step away from the door wait that voice neighbors reported as seeing two men enter from an unmarked Market van then heard yelling uh there's been a misunderstanding officer you are under arrest punk you Jags are so screwed I love your hat Kevin I'm sorry I will never forgive myself for working today I want you to know that this will be my last assignment for the NYPD I'm retiring well that seems like an extreme reaction no I want this for us that's not for us I never wanted you to give up your career putting our relationship first doesn't mean you can't have anything else in your life it just means prioritizing me over stupid little stuff like returning lost mittens to dumb kids now that actually sounds quite rewarding really this reform program is not a little thing it could fundamentally change the police I just wish you had told me so I could have helped from the start I'm so sorry apology accepted now let's get that laptop to One Police Plaza no there's something I need to do first we're gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond and Kevin Cosner we don't have to do this everyone who's not family has already gone home and we need to hurry no this is important Kevin Cosner when we first got married I thought of it primarily as a legal contract which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 30177 1-18 definitions pertaining to marriage and yet he can't remember Max name but I finally learned what marriage really is it's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for it's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes and that feeling is all that matters which is why I will now Purge tax code 30177 1-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever it's done over Raymond hold do you promise to continue to to live in this marriage for richer poor through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live I do and Kevin yes yes we're still married we really have to [Music] go

Channel: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Views: 2,072,856

Keywords: Brooklyn Nine-Nine, brooklyn 99, b99, Stephanie Beatriz, Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, Detective Charles Boyle, Melissa Fumero, Detective Amy Santiago, Detective Jake Peralta, Terry Jeffords, Amy Santiago, Chelsea Peretti, Andre Braugher, Gina Linetti, Joe Lo Truglio, brooklyn 99 kevin and holt, brooklyn 99 kevin and jake, brooklyn 99 kevin heist, brooklyn 99 kevin clapback, brooklyn 99 kevin nicolas cage, brooklyn 99 kevin and holt get back together

Id: oLftYk87kmc

Length: 20min 32sec (1232 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 27 2023