Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the
stage, Brad Williams! How we feelin' out there?! Hell yeah, you guys are happy! You guys are psyched! Of course you're happy. You know right now, your story beats any one
of your friends, no matter what the hell they're doing tonight. They'll call you up tomorrow, "Shoulda hung
out with us, man. We went out to a strip club. They had a one arm stripper. She did a cartwheel. It was ridiculous. What kinda lame shit did you do? Oompa Loompa made me laugh. Fuck off. You win. OK? Exactly. You're happy, but of course you're happy. You've got a little person in front of you
right now. People are always happy when they see midgets. You can't help it. A lot of you don't know who I am, don't know
what TV shows I've been on, but I walk on stage, you're like, "This is gonna be good." You see a midget, you're happy! You can't help it. No one's ever seen a midget and yelled out,
"Well, now my day has gone to hell." That does not happen. You see this, you're smilin', you're laughin',
you know there's a good shot you got a parade and some candy comin' your way. You're happy as hell. Doesn't matter, you can get fired from your
job, found out your wife is blowin' some other dude, you walk down the street, you see me,
you're just, ha ha ha.That's why we are not using midgets properly in this country. We have normal jobs! We should not have normal jobs! They should be giving midgets to cancer patients. How awesome would that be? Sorry sir, discovered you have cancer. Damn it! Here's your midget. F yeah! A lot of you didn't like that joke at first. Then I finished it, you're like, We will
absolutely support that charity. We will support that. We should do a 5K. We should do a 5K. They're dwarfs. We should do a 2.5K. We should do a 2.5K. That's true! I do make people happier. I did a show one time. A woman came up to me after the show and said,
Brad, you're funny. I run a children's hospital. I would love it if you came down to the children's
hospital, entertain the children, brought them some smiles. I say, Yes. That's perfect. I mean hell, you guys have known me now for
a few minutes and you know my act is perfect for the fuckin' kids. Right? So I say I'll do it. I go to the children's hospital. I'm exaggerating nothing. I walk into that door, a kid walks up to me,
puts his hand on my shoulder and goes, "Don't worry. They'll fix you here." Apparently, you're not allowed to karate chop
the sick kid, OK? You're not allowed to do that. Why did they, I'm there on my Saturday, giving
up my free time to help him, he's gotta piss on my self esteem? It happened over and over again. I was walking down the hospital. There were the, all these kids. I mean, God bless em, they'd be walkin' around,
draggin' their oxygen tanks behind em like that. Then they would look up and see me and go,
Jesus! Glad I don't have that. Oh my God, that would suck. But, I get it. I understand. I understand why people are excited when they
see a little person. I totally get it because when I'm walking
around and I see another little person, I get excited too. I do! Then, you guys see two of us. You get ridiculously excited, you're like,
Oh my God! There's two! I hope they do a trick. I really hope they do a trick. I do! I get excited when I see another little person! I'm not thinking about this constantly. It's not always on my mind. I don't walk around all day in my head just,
"I'm a midget, I'm a midget, I'm a midget." I know. If your life had a DVR, you would have all
30 seconds back right there. I get it! So, when I'm walkin' around, I see the little
person, I get happy. Now, if the other dwarf I see is a male, if
I see a male little person, I get excited. But, at the same time, I know, I have to fight
him. I don't know why that is. I don't want to fight him. He doesn't wanna fight me, but we lock eyes,
we're like, "It's go time." Why? Maybe dwarfs are like Highlanders, like, "There
can be only one." I don't know. Now, if I'm walkin' around and I see another
little person and it happens to be a female, if I see a female little person, I get excited. You guys get quiet. You see two little people come together, you're
just like, Oh my God! This is like National Geographic channel
come to life. Shh! Don't say anything. You'll scare em. It's his mating season. Now, you would think that that might offend
me. It does not offend me. I'm going to fuck that female little person,
OK? It's happening. When it comes to dwarf pussy, I am a Dyson
vacuum. I don't miss a damn thing. It's happening! But Brad, she's a woman. She has a choice. What if she doesn't want to sleep with you? Are you kidding me? I'm in the top five midgets in show business. She's fucking me, OK? It's happening. Top five! I'm not number one. I don't have delusions of grandeur, OK? I know where I am, alright? Number one, Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones. I love that dude. Yeah, exactly. Great show. Number two is this guy named Wee Man from
Jackass. He's pretty cool. Some of you know who he is. Some of you are just now realizing that I
am not Wee Man from Jackass. You idiot. Number three is a guy named Warwick Davis. He was in a movie called Willow, an HBO show
called Life is Short. There ya go. Number four, that's me! I'm number four. That's not bad. And then number five is the chick. Damn it. What the hell is that chicks name? No, the dwarf chick. Oh yeah, Justin Bieber. That is a hot bitch! I wanna do bad things to that woman. She is cute! Obviously, that's a joke. But, I said that one night at a comedy club
in Hollywood, California. I didn't know this. Bieber was in the audience that night and
he did not like that joke. He did not like it! He walked up to me after the show. He's like, "You're a son of a bitch. Hey, that was not very nice of you to say." I love that that's a true story.
