I love my job. I get to do this for a living. I get to travel. Traveling's great. Don't get me wrong. It's hard sometimes. Ya know, you gotta leave your family. I hate leaving my family right now, 'cause
two months ago, I became an Uncle for the very first time. Yeah! Uncle. I didn't do anything, but yeah. My sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy. His name is Liam. And like, I saw her pregnant for the whole
nine months, but I didn't really think about it until he was born and then my brother-in-law
comes in with Liam and he looks at me and goes, Hey, congratulations. You're now Uncle Brad. And he hands me Liam and I look at him. I didn't know what love was. I had no idea and now I'm staring at him going,
oh, this is what this is. I love you. I love you unconditionally and without prejudice
and you have done absolutely nothing to deserve this love. Nothing. Your life resume reads, shit once. That is it, but I love you and I'm having
this moment of realization of the most powerful emotion in human existence and my Dad from
the back of the room, just yells out, Ya know he's gonna be wearing your clothes in like
two weeks? My Dad's pretty funny. Family's laughing. Mom's crying. She's a Grandma for the first time. She walks up to me, she's like, Brad, when
are you gonna have one? When are you gonna have one, son? You'll be an excellent father. You'll be a good provider for a family. You should absolutely have yourself a child. I don't want one. OK? I don't want kids. Now, if you want kids, have kids, trying to
have kids, good for you. Best thing you'll ever do in your life. But, understand, I don't want one because
if I have a kid, 75% chance that kid's gonna be tall. I don't want anything that by age three can
f-king kill me. Alright? How do you even discipline that kid? You're like, You're in timeout! You're in timeout, Dad! I'm walkin' away like, You're right son,
I shouldn't have said that to you. That was not right. I'm not ready. I'm seeing what my sister has to go through. I'm not ready for that. She doesn't sleep at all. She spends a lot of money. She had to change her house. She had to do horrible things to her home. She had to put up baby gates. F-k baby gates. F-k baby gates! I hate baby gates! OK? You guys know what baby gates are, right? You have a room in your house you don't want
the baby to go in. You put up a little baby gate, stops the baby
from going into that room in the house. Great! It also stops midgets from going into that
f-king room. OK? It does. It works. I know this. I've been cock blocked by a baby gate before. Cock blocked! I got this woman back to her house. She had a kid. She had the baby gate. She's tall. She does the little step over move, like that. She's good to go. Meanwhile, I'm stuck on the other side like
a Mexican at the border like, Que pasa? Porque? I didn't get laid that night. No woman wants to f-k a guy after she looks
down the hallway and just sees, no! I didn't tell that to my buddies. They're like, Come on Brad, you're a comedian. You're supposed to have a comeback. You're supposed to have a snappy comeback
for every situation. What's the comeback for when a baby gate slows
your roll? What do you say? I can't just look at her and be like, Boost! Ya know? No woman's ever picked up her date like, You're
gonna f-k me so good tonight. Yes you are. Yes you are. I didn't get laid that night. But don't. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't be in the audience right now like awe,
Brad didn't get laid. Please. I do alright. Now, I understand, this is not the stereotype
of what women draw up in their minds as being attractive. I get that. But, I'm a realist, OK? I don't want those women. I want the women that came to my show tonight,
sat down, saw me run out on stage and went, [gasp] Bucket list. OK, that's what I want! That's what I want! And by the way, yeah! That's what I want! And by the way, if you're one of those women,
oh, you made a good decision. You made an excellent decision. Every woman should f-k a midget at least
once in their life, OK? Treat yourself, OK? Treat yourself 'cause we can do moves that
these tall guys can not do. See, it got quiet 'cause the women are like,
Oh my God, what can you do? Oh my god I'll tell you ladies. Straight up. You haven't experienced life 'til you've been
f-k-d doggy style by a little person. Alright? Way better than the tall guys. I know what the tall guys have to do. Tall guys, they get down on their knees like
that. They start off with that move right there. They start off bad ass. They start off like a champ. And that goes on for a good nine seconds. OK, about nine seconds. Then, that right leg just starts gettin' a
little sore. That thigh starts jammin' it up. You start losing thrust right there. I know it happens and every guy does the same
move. They throw up the one leg, just like that. They throw up the one damn leg, just like
that. That's when the woman starts freakin' out. Oh my God, he's trying a new position. Bitch, that's a cramp. That's not a new position. That's what happens when you guys are doing
doggy style. When I'm doing doggy style, I don't get tired. 'Cause I'm standin' up, ladies and gentlemen. That's what I'm doing. And I am aggressive. I am aggressive in bed. Look, my right hand instinctively went into
a fist right now, OK? Instinctively. You wanna know why? 'Cause when I fuck doggy style, I'm pullin'
hair, alright? I pull hair and I'm good at it. Alright? A lot of guys do not know how to pull hair. You're grabbin' it by the end. Why the hell are you grabbing her hair by
the end? That hurts her. Stop doing it. You wanna know how to pull hair? Pay attention! This is what you do. OK? Take your hand like this. Spread your fingers like that with the very
bottom of your woman's head right there and you track up the woman's head just like that
and when you get to right about there, you got as much hair as you can, you crank that
shit. Women love it! Unless you're f-king a black woman, then
do not pull that woman's hair. Never pull a black woman's hair. She will cut you. Alright? See, you guys are learning stuff right now. We're communicating. That's the important part. That's what a lot of people don't do in their
relationships. They don't communicate. You gotta be able to communicate. Talk. Tell us what you want. Ladies, tell your man exactly what we need
to do to please you. Exactly what we need to do. Details. Don't just look at your p-sy like it's a
Rubik's Cube. Like, solve that one, f-ker. Stop it! Don't get me wrong. I get why you do it. You do it because you assume it's easy to
please you. For you, very easy to please a man. Every guy wants the same thing. Doesn't matter where you go. You could be in the deep South. Ya know, I tell you what, I want a blowjob. Know what I mean? Go up to Connecticut. My God, lovey. I could go for a blowjob. Like, same shit. We could drop you off in Africa, be like [African
imitation] blowjob! Like, same shit! It's easy! Having sex with a dude is like walking into
my Kia with an allen wrench, like, Oh my God, this works on everything. And I say that, but a lot of women pull this
line. They go, Oh no, Brad. I can't tell my man what I really want. If I told my man what I really want in bed,
[gasp] I would scare him. Try it. Try and, try and scare your man. Try and scare your man. Let me know how that works out. No, no, no. My man is not that freaky. Bullshit. Bullshit. OK? Bullshit, your man's not that freaky. You only think that ladies because he hasn't
shown his freaky side because you're not that freaky. Understand this, ladies. I'm gonna say this one time. Your man is only as freaky as he thinks he's
allowed to be. OK? That is it. We know. We know you have your line of freakiness and
we will go right up to your line of freakiness and we stop at your line of freakiness. Now, every now and then, we will dance over
the line, OK? We'll dance on the line. We don't jump over the line. No, no, no. We just dance over the line. We just dance on it. Nothing crazy. Nothing insane. Just like, something simple, like doing doggy
style and eh, let's try it out. It is my birthday. Ya know? Nothing, just. Just like that, just like that. By the way, if you know what I did there,
I love you. Love you! I did that one night and the woman yelled
out, That's called the bus driver. I use a thumb. What's her man doing? The wheels on the bus go round and round. Brad, you don't get it. My man's just not that freaky. Alright. Try this then. One night, just go up to your man. Be like, Hey. Baby. Tonight, it's all about you. Whatever you want, I will do. I'll not object. I'll not say no. I'll not say yes, but secretly harbor ill
feelings towards you, which I'm gonna bring up in a fight that we're gonna have in about
six to eight months from this date, today. I've already planned it. No. Whatever you want tonight, I will do tonight. Baby, I am yours. Ladies, if you ever say that to your man,
get a helmet. It's goin' crazy that night, OK? There's gonna be whips. There's gonna be chains. At some point, a closet door will open. I'm gonna run out. Alright, I'm here to help! Let's do this. Let's make it happen. We're freaky. OK?
