Bill Burr - Motel Rooms And First Ladies

all right thank you thank you very much how are you please see it good evening thank you welcome welcome to this lovely theatre era downtown Montreal some believe them can't understand you female voice does not travel well I don't know what it is up close so in a whisper can make you a dick hard but beyond 10 feet it just sounds like a couple of birds what you know fighting over a french fry or something yeah there you go that's how we start nobody's coming out of the gate I'm sick of Obama's wife yeah it's running against isn't some Democrat Republicans this is just in general just running her Yap it's just like shut up you know you weren't elected you know your husband isn't running a lemonade stand he's running the country now generally speaking first ladies they've been out of lined for a good 25 30 years they think for some reason that their husband has the job that now they should be chiming in like they know some you know dude if you had a leak at your house and you called the plumber and the plumber comes in and he starts fixing it what would you do if five seconds later his wife who isn't a plumber comes walking in well I think we should ride it over here it's like shut up just cuz you're the plumber doesn't mean you understand plumbing okay now this is all like my fears because they're trying to tell us down south here that like they they're starting to like gear up for Hillary Clinton to be running for president saying like I think that would be a good thing yeah people clapping what what is that based on based on what I don't get how she became a senator that's shocking to you she went from never holding political office to immediately being a senator why cuz she was the president should Tom Brady's wife be the next quarterback of the Rams does he have some sort of magical powers like you suck at sports I couldn't throw it all and then he me and I just picked up this ball I was just I was just lacing it in there it was incredible dude it all started it all started with Nancy Reagan that's what her first went off the rails yeah she came out with their little bird body you know just your big head just came walking out saying yo did drugs and people off the air and say you know today she just walked back Hillary had her stupid health care plan bama's wife's running her Yap on 60 minutes you know I got to give it up to the bushes they had their women in line they did Barbara never said she smiled every once while she threw something in there George w's wife I don't even know her name Stu was in office for eight years I don't even know her name what's it like Beth or page or something like that he had her unlocked out going out there tonight I'm giving a speech and when I say something then they laugh you're gonna not you're gonna smile and you're gonna nod that head is this how it's gonna be really do you think like me saying this is somehow gonna affect she's still gonna win listen let me ask you this question do you think that a woman being president is gonna affect anything do you oh do you what are they gonna do what are they gonna do what's she gonna what the is she gonna do do you know what the president makes the president makes four in a grand a year that's it he's supposed to keep bankers in line they get like a hundred million dollar bonuses let's say if you really want nothing's gonna change okay black white dick or clam it doesn't make a bit of difference nothing is gonna change until somebody's got the balls to start a group go over the wall of one of these gated communities you starts you start slitting some throats not just random throats the right throats you got to climb up a tree be up there with your scope knowing that in 11 minutes your life is gonna end right and take out many many of those people as you can yeah other than that it's just going to be a pair of tits saying the same I'm staying in a hotel everybody I like staying in hotels they make me feel comfortable I feel safe in a hotel you know you got the lobby there's always somebody down there in case an ax-murderer comes in that's the first person that's gonna get killed you can hear their screaming when you're up in your room gives you a chance to plant barricade the door you know turn on the shower hide in between the mattresses right little misdirection back in the day I used to stay and I used to stay in motels I hated staying in motels could never feel safe you basically you were lying in a bed two feet from a door that just opened up out into a parking lot anybody in the world could just come walking up kick the door open I am on a drag you out of the bed and you're just lying in that bed so not ready to have a fight to the death sitting there half naked like knob meanwhile it's some guy on the other side of the door with a chainsaw like you're lying there like a it's kind of early to be trimming the hedges but when that dude comes through that door you lie to yourself as a man that if something like that happened dude I just jump up grab a lamp was full to do it you know what the reality is most people the best you could do is maybe make a weird noise just be cool and that would be it don't you just come in the last thing you see is just ceiling carpet ceiling carpet ceiling conference to the copper Center cover looking upside-down back at your own body right I will say this what I do enjoy about this theater is nobody has told me it's haunted anytime you go into a theater they always give me the history is built 1948 was a tribute to rocker Rashard everybody chipped in a blah blah blah blah blah and we have a ghost his name is Michael I immediately lose all respect for anybody over the age of eight that still believes in ghosts Tech really you still believe in specters and goblins what is the end game of being a ghost I don't get it you can go anywhere you want to go in the world you're just gonna stay in a basement for the rest of your life just waiting for once every six months somebody comes down to check the boiler and you get to be like why would you go somewhere dude I fly right to Washington DC fly right into the CIA building just start sitting in on meetings like these guys are out of their marks fly to the Superbowl go right to the huddle I always wanted what they talked about look at us spend the rest of my life in an attic trying to scare some accountant into solving my murder [Applause]

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 5,912,727

Keywords: just for laughs, just for laugh, just for laughs festival, jfl, JFL, stand up comedy, stand-up, stand up, comedy, funny, comedian, montreal, stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up, stand up comedian, juste pour rire, montreal comedy festival, bill burr youtube, bill burr comedian, bill burr comedy, bill burr 2018, bill burr stand up, bill burr stand up comedy, bill burr stand up 2018, bill burr stand up new, bill burr full, Bill Burr Motel Rooms And First Ladies, Bil Burr JFL

Id: Cv-qKwNz7Ug

Length: 8min 20sec (500 seconds)

Published: Mon May 14 2018

Reddit Comments

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[removed]

[u/Seamlesslytango]

I think his first ladies joke went over better in the Night of Too Many Stars thing. At least that's what I think it was called.

[u/coohhwip]

I like Burr but this kinda sucked. Sometimes he just yells controversial shit and forgets punchlines