8 of Dave Chappelle Funniest Jokes Ever

i'm serious this one time racism saved my life man i was i was on a plane i was coming i was coming from overseas and uh i don't know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane but he stood up man he said everybody get on the ground nobody look at my face i started freaking out because he was chinese i was like why is he talking like that [Applause] he was screaming and crying i was the only brother on the plane well i thought i was younger brother i looked over there was one of the black dude he was from nigeria i i looked over at him he was looking right in my face man he didn't say two words to me just looked at me he was like he didn't need to talk i know just what he's talking about i look right back at him i was like [Applause] some white dudes on the front of the plane cena say we're like oh my god i think those black guys are gonna try to save us [Applause] we were just communicating that we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we understood was simple terrorists don't take black hostages that's the truth i have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage letters um they is treating us good uh we all chilling and i'd like to give a shout out to ray ray and big steve and um you're not going to see it [Applause] terrorists are smart they know what they're doing there you know they terrorists they know the black people's bad bargaining chips they call the white house hello we have got five black hello it's really some scary i got to tell you harvey weinstein you got to make life interesting like that because the is flimsy life is flimsy you think you're gonna live for anybody not gonna live forever it's dangerous out here we know what's going on i travel now you know i usually think dc had the roughest ghettos in the country now i have seen some now oh there's some rough rough areas outside of d.c yeah everybody should go to the ghetto i was taking it together one time that's the worst when you get taken you're not expecting to go you know usually you want to know when you're going to get it like i'm going to see some wild i got to prepare myself i'm going to do something crazy when you're taking it's different i had a limousine driver it was after shows late at night it's like three in the morning had a limousine drive he was a nice guy talking to me and oh hey where you from dog dc word that's a rough city man and his cell phone started ringing hold on one second hello oh what's up what what the stole that what what the no no no that it i'm on my way hey i gotta make a stop real quick at three o'clock in the morning i didn't know he was taking me to get her at first i started looking out the window i was like what the gun store gun store liquor store store where the you taking me this don't look good he didn't say just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project now i've never been there before i'm not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familial symptoms of a project a crackhead ran this way and then another one jumped out of tree and [Applause] and i said i'll be right back and left me took the keys with me just let me at three o'clock in the morning in front of a project in a limousine this was not good i was like man i gotta look around see if i can see some landmarks and figure out where i'm at i have to escape on foot now this is when i know i was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember it's three o'clock in the morning it's three o'clock in the morning i look out the window it was a baby standing on the corner and the baby the baby didn't even look scared he was just standing there i mean it made me sad it made me say it really good you know because i want to help the baby i don't trust you either i'm sorry click the old baby on the corner trick eh you're not going to fall for that where's this limousine driver you know i stopped feeling bad as time goes by i start feeling worse like man what is wrong with me what the hell is wrong i am scared of a baby and this baby could be in trouble he might need my help i got to do something but i wasn't going to get out the car i'm serious man i just cracked the window a little bit there's a whole limousine i can roll it down [Applause] hey baby go home man it's three o'clock in the morning what the are you doing out the baby saying i'm selling weed at home i wasn't expecting that i'm sorry i had to buy two bags from the coma they're gonna get two when i get too funny [Applause] got back in the car and rolled me a joint man that was scary man every once in a while like a crack kid would come up to the car and look in the window it was like jurassic park and should he be looking on hey get out of here cracky that baby was still standing there man don't stop feeling bad again yeah we make you feel guilty sometimes you know man what is wrong with me man i have just brought weed from uh from an infant i can't condone this kind of behavior what am i thinking i can't let the fear ruin my morals got to do something hey baby stop selling wheat all right you got your whole life ahead of you he said you i got kids to feed that's a god sam and this is that very moment when the crackhead was running across the street and got hit by a car i know it was a hit and run the police did it that's all right they sprang some crack on me got back up i almost protested the war in the beginning almost until i saw what happened to them dixie chicks i said that if they'll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces i don't want to hear that yeah man they would but i'm like for real why why you care so much with the dixie chicks say they're not like they political scientists and they just they can sing good you know what i mean stop worshiping celebrities so much just don't let's don't pay attention i remember right around september 11th the ja rule was on mtv that's what they say so we got y'all rule on the phone let's see what jaws thoughts are on this tragedy who gives a what john rule thinks for the time like this this is ridiculous i don't want to dance i'm scared to death i want some answers that john rule might not have right now you think when bad happens to me i'll be in the crib like oh my god this is terrible because somebody please find y'all rule get hold of this so i can make sense of all this where is job i have to meet y'all rule [Applause] yeah i'll be saying that kind of man it's what it is they use the tv to program us from a young age you ever watch like a cartoon and she used to watch me a little as an adult is wild some wild i mean like i was with my nephew we sitting there we watching pepe the pew and i say to my neighbor and say now pay attention to this guy because he's funny i used to watch him when i was little and we watched a puppy that pew when i'm old man i'm looking like good god kind of rapist is this guy like take it easy come on that people sitting there cracking up [Music] see sometimes you gotta take the like happy like no no i had to turn the channel real quick i turned on sesame street i said oh shoot sesame street this is much better because now he'll learn how to count and spell but now i'm watching it as an ad though and i realized sesame street teaches kids other things it teaches kids how to judge people and label people that's right they got character on their name oscar they treat this guy like the entire show they judge him right in his face oscar you are so mean isn't he kids yeah oscar you're a grouch it's like i live in a trash can from the poorest on sesame street nobody's helping me then you wonder why kids grow up and step over homeless people get it together grouch [Applause] get a job grouch so don't even tell me how to get to sesame street that is a terrible place i wouldn't go there if i knew the way who would want to live in the neighborhood like that six foot pigeons walking around an elephant that's a junkie and a dry snappy hi bird i'm sick i need some smack bird then cookie monster with his eyes popping out his head cookie cookie cookie like ugh kind of cookies are you talking about chocolate chips don't do that to people and they had the nerve to put a pimp on them they didn't come out and say he's a pimp but i know of him when i see one that they called him the count [Applause] you've been late four times i've been counting how many times must i smack you before you act right one two two oh oh oh oh oh that's what i'm waiting for because the timing of this michael jackson is what makes me doubt it every time this war is going out of control or the economy gets bad or something is wrong with the world at large it's always these moments in history that michael jackson will coincidentally jerk awful kid this is getting ridiculous like are you planning this do you have meetings michael thank you for coming as you know michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there's been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us a lot of questions of course and well michael there's no nice way to say this and all i know how to do is be direct so let me just be direct we're gonna need you to jerk off another child mike i'm sorry i am sorry but it would really help out or maybe he didn't who knows who knows that's the thing that's what i wanted to say who knows who the knows mike god and this little boy know that's that's about it that's about it only reason that i can even talk about this is because everybody is speculating they all think he did it and i don't think he did it i'm alone in this i don't think he did it i'm not gonna say i don't think he did it that's too strong let me just say i am reserving judgment until all the facts come out but so far from what i heard i mean the kid said he was dying of cancer he was in make a wish foundation he claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dang wish to meet michael jackson come on man give me a break this kid is 10 years old he don't remember thriller the you want to meet michael jackson for honestly i remember thrilla and i just like kind of want to meet this thing like i wouldn't break an appointment i mean i put it that way i'd have to already be free that's ridiculous like if i'm dying in two weeks and go oh mama oh get me in the room with chubby chuckle i wouldn't want to meet that that my leg is two weeks why not usher somebody like this so then the kid claims he goes to michael's house this is where it all gets crazy i don't like you know he does everything you'd expect at michael's house they uh climbed trees and rode roller coasters and ferris wheels the chef made cookies pies and cakes that was petting the monkey and the giraffes sing songs kid and in the middle of all this child-like activity for some reason mike pulled out some wine and some pills [Applause] and sucked this kid's dick folks it hurts me to save and the kid had the nerve to call that abuse that is a good host guy damn what else do you want what else do you want i'm lucky to get a glass of a great drink in my friend's house let alone a roller coaster ride and my dick sucked mike must be confused like i brought you in my house i fed you i suck your dick and this is how you repay me this was your wish that man thought you were dying in two weeks what happened to that i've been in court for a year and a half to get strong every time i see you wouldn't be some ironic if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer was michael jackson sucking your dick somehow like if mike had powers like green mile and all the kids like please mike's i got this never again he didn't appreciate it can we at least study your saliva please [Applause] oh my god but there's more important reason that i would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that's been percolating and it really is the crowd not you i'm talking about the crowd on the big stage it's too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle are so sensitive the whole country is turned into bitch-ass everything you say upsets somebody but are just taking it too far i don't know why or how everybody got this goddamn sensitive you know who hates me the most the transgender community yo yeah these i mean i didn't realize how bad it was these i was really mad about that last netflix special it's tough man i don't know what to do about it cause cause i like them i always have never had a problem with them you know just around and matter of fact i think i make fun of everybody and i mean as a group of people they have to admit it's kind of hilarious man i'm sorry bro it's like i've never seen somebody in such a hilarious predicament not have a sense of humor about it they're born feeling like there's something other than they're born as and that's that's kind of funny you know it's funny if it's not happening to you i believe transgenders i don't understand them either but i know they mean what they say that cut they dicks off that's all the proof i need i've never seen somebody just throw their dick away don't need it [Applause] don't understand but i believe it when i support your decision i was doing a show i was in portland oregon and i was checked in uh a hotel under the name charles with cheese i came back to my room late at night and there was a note it was like a letter on my desk it was addressed to mr cheats so obviously i'm going to assume that whoever wrote this letter must be an intimate friend of mine it's not some kind of name that a person would just guess but then i open the letter and it turns out i don't know this person at all it's a fan letter you know i'm not even used to the idea that i have fans but i'm grateful for it and uh i don't read those letters be nice if i did but realistically it's like what am i santa claus i don't have time for this like that's i want to do i'm trying to chill read all these dreams and wishes from strangers but then but i read it i'd already opened it so i just read the whole letter and you know what man whoever wrote this letter truly loves me i mean they were really nice in the letter and then they described to me what it was like to come to the show how excited they were how much fun they were having and then they said that when i got to my jokes about transgenders that they were quote devastated because it turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender now i'm gonna be real for a second as a policy you gotta understand i never feel bad about anything i say up here and i i would never admit this to you if i hadn't locked your phones up but it was the weirdest thing like when i read this letter this made me feel bad i didn't feel bad about what i said he understand i felt bad that i made somebody else feel bad to be honest i don't even know what i said that upset that person i have so many transgender jokes but i feel like i feel like it was probably this joke i'm about to tell you right now and it's not even that bad of a joke it's a true joke i mean it's not true but i i i had read in the paper that caitlyn jenner was contemplating posing nude in an upcoming issue of sports illustrated and i know it's not politically correct to say these things so i just figured it i'll say it for everybody else yuck you know sometimes i just want to read some stats i don't know why you're going to cram some man in the middle of the sports page like this i just didn't think that was the place for it but i wasn't saying anything like kate and jenna's a bad person i'm not mad at her for doing it not even mad i supposed to illustrate it if i'm mad at somebody i'm probably just mad at myself you understand cause deep down i know that i am not strong enough to not look at those pictures [Applause] and i don't think i'm ready to see what she's trying to show me so caitlyn god damn if you go through with this thing you better go hard and go home i want you to go all the way hustler style do you know what hustle style means miss that means spread the lips [Applause] how she spreads her lips in this itty-bitty dick and sad [Applause] the show is behind the curtains [Applause] i don't know what i said that upset that person you know i can remember when it all started it was when i was doing chappelle show when i was doing chappelle show i just do this show and then on the weekends i do like concerts and like that so i'm doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row beautiful couple the wife wife was obviously asian you could see it in her face the husband this was mysterious to say the least couldn't quite pinpoint where he was from caramel colored fella very nice hair but it could have been from anywhere bangladesh mexico i can't guess with a like this all i knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was a i could see that in her face too no he was laughing and having a good time and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show i couldn't figure it out and then i realized at some point that she was pregnant and i was smoking on stage i said oh my god that's probably why she's mad so i started to put my cigarette out but then she hit me with one of them fake non-smoker calls so i just kept smoking i thought to myself that babe would be fine relax and i tried to break the tension i just asked her that's all i said i go hey where you guys from anyway and i could tell that she was on to me she goes very condescendingly she says i'm from california if you're asking my ethnicity i am chinese and her husband was just cool about this he was like a mexican bro i said well i'm sorry if i offended you by asking but you're a very beautiful couple and miss there's no question that you're gonna give birth to the hardest working baby this world has ever seen that's not a bad joke she got very upset she got up to leave immediately but she didn't just leave she had to take one last dig at me on the way out i will never buy one of your dvds again dave chappelle i said ma'am with all due respect chinese people don't buy dvds [Applause] and the crowd went crazy we've all laughing having a good time i didn't even think anything of it and then just three days later this lady sends a letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because i was quote racist huh and and i'm quoting her insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage i was like word i was if she had just done a little bit of research she would know that i myself am in an interracial marriage that's right in fact my wife is asian too surprised i'll see you on thanksgiving but my wife's not chinese she's filipino that's right that's right and our kids are puerto ricans somehow so there you go now let's think about this you've heard them on their radios on television and you've read their newspapers you've even talked to them in your warehouses why do they call us the colors and grow you and rufus and they've called all of us be our friends are we be our friends they call us enemies in their house that's not the truth the truth is they stole our rights you know that they destroyed our wealth call us we are amazonians [Music] you know ambassador is not a dream it's a reality and let's talk to amazonia ambassador you were lost and abused abused now you are found we have found you we pledge our lives to set you free forever free we wouldn't let you down and this is our promise to you nobody can ever take this promise away and we will not budge one step back [Music] oh [Music] all your pain and sorrow [Music] got to get together and make this world better so sing this song with me and set your mind and body free but you know this really comes down to you and me you have to join our pledge and and play your part it's my pride and your pride to make it you and me will set it free you and me because freedom is the word don't let them blind there's nothing else but freedom freedom is our liberty [Music] oh [Music] lift your face [Music] you

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Id: 5is7HU9-Svc

Length: 31min 24sec (1884 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 19 2022