- So this lady down at the zoo, this lady down at the zoo,
she taught this gorilla how to do sign language, okay? And I don't just mean
like hello and goodbye, like literally phrases, this
thing could like talk about its emotions. They were
actually conversing. The gorilla's sitting
there talking to her, "Oh my God, you look
a little upset today." And she's like, "Oh, you
know, I'm kinda sad," and they're just talking. So immediately, like, my
brain just went fucking crazy. I was like, "Oh my God,
she's talking to a gorilla. "I love gorillas, who doesn't
wanna talk to a gorilla?" And then without thinking that
my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out, "Ask it
how much it can bench! "Ask it how much it can bench!" My wife like pops up, she's
like, "What are you doing?" I'm like, "Look at this, look at this. "She's talking to a gorilla." And we both just got sucked
into this thing, right? So long story short, she's sitting there, she's talking to this
gorilla, and one day, she decides to get it a little kitten, a little kitty cat, right? And immediately I'm thinking
like, "Don't get it a cat. "It's a gorilla, it's gonna
twist the thing's head off, "throw the body over there,
play with the head for a while," (sniffs) "sniffin' it and stuff,
and then later it's gonna "walk over and set the
head down next to the body "and wonder why the whole
thing's not getting up again." Because it's a fucking
gorilla, it's a wild animal. Wild animals don't have pets, right? It's kill or be killed
out there, that's it. They don't have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit. But it was the exact opposite. She gives it this little kitten,
and the thing immediately understood that it was a baby,
and this like parental thing came over, and it was so, like,
gentle and filled with joy, and just playing, it was
like beautiful, right? And then they just understood
that it loved this kitten, and they started using it as
like a teaching tool, right? So it's every night, they
take the cat back, all right, and then the next day they
come in, and if the gorilla learned its phrases, it got
to play with the kitten. They used it as a motivational
tool, so the gorilla's like vocabulary started going
through the roof, all right? So to cut to the chase, one
night they take the cat home, somehow the little kitten gets out, it got hit by a car, and it died. (audience groans) Yeah, that cat you never met died. (audience laughs) I'm sorry for your loss,
I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking
twenty seconds, you know. I don't know if it was dead instantly, like if it drove right over its head, and (splat sound) that was it, or maybe it just hit the
back legs and it tried to crawl away, but it was
like stuck to the road, and it was meowing out and
it could see its breath, and right before it lost
consciousness the rats came in, and it was just screaming, and
it had such cute little paws, it was like little socks
trying to get it off. I don't know what happened,
but you seem so fucking concerned about this kitten,
figured I'd throw out a couple of theories, more
concerned about the kitten than all the Hitler shit, by the way. More of a reaction. (audience laughs) More of a reaction, that's fine. Every crowd's a little bit different. It's not the point of the story, okay? The point of the story was now this lady had to go down to the zoo, she had to tell the gorilla that the
kitten was dead, right? So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla's all
amped up, this is like its favorite part of
the day, like, its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend. And at this point, its
vocabulary is like crazy now. And the lady shows up, the
gorilla's all amped up, and just looks at her
like, "Oh, shit, what's up? "Yeah," right? (audience laughs) And I can't do sign language,
so you're gonna have to bear with me through
the rest of this bit. I'm gonna do the best I can, all right? So the thing's like, "What's up, yeah." All right? But the zookeeper lady,
she has like, you know, just sitting there all sad, you know, trying to think how she's
gonna tell it, right? And the gorilla picked up on the vibe. All right, she's kind of like, "Hello." All right, then all of a
sudden the gorilla's energy just comes all down, she just
starts looking at the lady like, "Ah, what's wrong with you? (audience laughs) "Is there something that
I need to know, huh?" (audience laughs) So the lady's sitting there, she's like, "Ah geez, ah, "well... "well, the... the kitty cat, "it got hit by a car,
and it's fucking dead." (audience laughs) (upbeat music)
