Bill Burr on BLACK PEOPLE (Stand-Up Comedy)

it's nice to be back here down the south man i had a real weird experience last time i came down here i was in nashville right sort of an awkward social situation right i'm sitting at this bar there's this white dude sitting like two stools away i don't know him he doesn't know me and that terrell owens story wasn't like sports news so i try to make conversation like man look at this guy this guy just signed a 40 million contract he's already bitching man how much money do you need to make and the dude looks to me he's like you know what i say and then he looked over his shoulder which i now know is the telltale sign that the n-word is coming and it's coming hard oh yeah it's not going to be pronounced with the a it's going to be with the r and he hit the r he like stuck the landing it was like a dish mount clan members high fiving in the background like doing the wave [Applause] just out of nowhere so now immediately i'm looking over my shoulder like what the hell are you doing you know what i mean i'm waiting for like this hail of blackfist to come raining down on top of me i hate when people do stuff like that that dude made me part of like a potential ass kicking that i had nothing to do with you don't do [ __ ] like that he just had that word hot potato just threw it in my lap trying to pass it down to the next white dude i hate when people do that man you know it's like dude feel me out first ask some questions do you like to fish have you ever [ __ ] your sister right i start rattling off answers then you go old school you give me a pamphlet you tell me about your don't militia dive into it that dude was one of the angriest people i ever met i should have known that word was coming because he was just watching terrell right any time i would bring up look man that guy's talking trash he would just like flip out he won't shut up you know those people get like so mad they're not even looking at you their eyes are up you just shut up and play the game [Music] you know what's funny i don't even like terrell but now i love the guy because every time i see him talking trash i know this idiot in nashville is just losing his mind like kicking over his kitchen tv shut the [ __ ] up actually i got a couple of uh friends of uh african persuasion and uh i gotta get rid of him man i gotta admit to you i'm fine i'm spending too much money on clothes hanging out with them cause i gotta like [ __ ] try to keep up with their wardrobe it's like every time they go out they got all brand new [ __ ] on all brand new [ __ ] so when i show up with my white version of brand new which is uh you know i basically i ironed the [ __ ] right i ironed it right it's new they just start trashing me i can't keep up with them man they got like [ __ ] 58 pairs of sneakers ever notice that [ __ ] like every color [ __ ] timberland and i don't give a [ __ ] what [ __ ] up color their shirt is they got a pair of shoes to match it and a hat i'll tell you that's actually funny you know what that's actually how i judge black guys now when i first came to the city like all black people scared me i was like the typical white dude from like the suburbs you know what i mean had no frame of reference you know it's my only frame of reference with black people was like remember those early 90s gangster rap videos throw the [ __ ] la riots in there man it was [ __ ] horrible pr i'm watching the video so he's got a nice car he's got all the women and he's still [ __ ] mad these black dudes are never happy but after 10 years of living in the sea this is how i narrow it down whether black dude scares me now black dudes with dirty sneakers scare the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of me no i figured out my head because i know if i'm hanging out with them that's the last [ __ ] that they're gonna let go the immediate [ __ ] that they have on so i think you know if his sneakers are [ __ ] up that means his life is [ __ ] up every time he leaves his building the whole neighborhood oh [ __ ] everyone sucks making fun of him he's on the train in a bad mood i kind of have this howdy duty kind of mug me kind of face i'm not saying something's going to happen i'm just saying i'm paying attention i'm not judging you not judging anybody i didn't know anything about lotion never used it the first 33 years of my life never used it until one night i was going out with this black girl right she was getting ready and she was just putting that [ __ ] on everywhere just slathering it on i thought she had like a rash or something like poison ivy what's going on with you she goes no i'm just making sure i'm not ashy i said ashy she goes dry skin i went mom i guess i freaked her out a little bit because i was like ah she's like well white people get ashy too i was like yeah you know and i don't think we do yeah i've been alive for 33 years no one has ever said hey billy you're looking a little ashy i never even heard that word until you said it she's like you're an idiot stick out your arm so i stick out my arm and ever so gently she just drags her nails down this smoke starts coming up it's like pastry flakes flying off track mark she's signing her name she's like you see that she goes that's ashy your ash freak me out i'm like oh [ __ ] i'm ashy i didn't know anything about it all i knew was that i always got itchy in the winter couldn't figure it out always got itchy in the winter what the [ __ ] do i get itchy i thought it went the bath towel was dirty that's what i thought and i would change it out and put a fresh one now i'm gonna be okay take a shower dry off [ __ ] itching again god damn it i hate the winner see that that's why you got to hang out with everybody yeah there's too much information in the world and every group of people misses a little bit white people totally missed the lotion seminar at some point in history i don't know if cause we can't see it you know black people get ashy it looks like they like leaned up against a chalkboard or something you know they can see it they miss it their friends help them out like look at your ashy [ __ ] elbow what is wrong with you right we missed that [ __ ] the way black people missed the whole register your weapons summit right just never got the information the amount of rappers who've been busted for the unregistered glock in the car just blows my mind it's like why would you do that to yourself do you just want to make an album over the phone is that what it is is that like the new auto tune or some [ __ ] i don't know no it breaks my heart every time i see it i just think god if he just had one white friend he just had one white friend in his entourage dude would have been sitting there going like is that thing registered you out of your mind get it out of there get it out of there that's illegal that's like [ __ ] three to five mandatory dude how do you how do you not know that that's the question how do you not [ __ ] know that guys okay don't believe in these myths black don't crack it's [ __ ] they all put lotion on like every 20 minutes during the day it's ridiculous they'll get a giant oil drum with a [ __ ] at home every morning they wake up they dunk themselves in it shake themselves off and walk out the door absolutely glistening listening all right so i sit down and i'm watching this documentary as a white dude which is what i am i'm looking out my white head watching this white [ __ ] it's coming back into my white eyes getting whiter by the [ __ ] second all right now my wife on the other hand she's black right now i hate saying that because it makes it seem like i'm start doing some stupid comparison jokes you know those dumb white guy black guy jokes and it's always like the white guy's like oh jesus i gotta i gotta do my taxes can this chair hold me the black guy's always like you need to loosen up you gotta relax man you just got to let it happen all right [Laughter] it's always the same stupid [ __ ] joke i hate those jokes you know because they're easy and it's been my experience that it's just not true you know 15 years of being with her there's really no difference you know because at the end of the day it's a woman all right it's gonna be the same fights i don't give a [ __ ] who you with i'm not gonna lie to you there might be more head movement and hand gestures with different races of women possibly an index finger jabbing at your forehead whatever the [ __ ] that is but at the end of the day it's the same fights what's going on with us do you need to work on this why don't we communicate better right so she starts watching this [ __ ] as a black person right and she's seen all the racism obviously that i'm seeing but she was catching all this subtle [ __ ] that i was too white to see but i knew i was missing it because i just kept hearing her huffing and puffing just sitting next to me being like [Music] and i'm just sitting there like okay somebody did something i don't know what just happened but i don't think that was good so right when i right when i didn't think it could get any worse it could get any more uncomfortable between the two of us this [ __ ] white dude comes on who evidently discovered elvis and he's like a hundred and [ __ ] 90 years old and he comes out starts talking he's just like well uh basically i was looking for a white boy that could take the down and dirty nasty blues and combine it with the pristine angelic sounds of bluegrass yeah that's what he was doing he was suddenly putting black [ __ ] down here while he was propping up the white [ __ ] you know the down and dirty daddy not sticking around drug infested neighborhood blues with the jesus as white as me hair the color of the sun angelic bluegrass playing music right so at this point my wife has like [ __ ] steam coming out of her ears so i make a judgment call i just [ __ ] shut it off right and she looks at me she's like why did you shut that off why did you shut it off i was like because you about three minutes away from yelling at me like i produced this music all right let's just just just forget it we'll watch something else she's like no why can't we just watch the rest of this and then discuss it afterwards it's like i don't [ __ ] do that i just want to watch a documentary i don't have a [ __ ] lecture because of these [ __ ] [ __ ] i didn't do anything i'm just i'm just sitting there watching tv and not to mention we're just we're just going to get into an argument she's like why why would we get into an argument i'm like all right you know why because not for nothing there was some black people in there saying some [ __ ] that i didn't agree with you know i'm not huffing and puffing yeah i said that like a [ __ ] idiot she just looks at me she's like like white black people like what black people that said what at that point it's like you started the luge right you can't get off the [ __ ] sled now you gotta have the argument i'm like ah [ __ ] here we go guess we're having this and i'm like all right all right the black guy who brought up leg shaking saying elvis took leg shaking from us it's like really leg shaking no nobody thought to to [ __ ] do this black people came up with that you're telling me that i'll even give you that let's say you came up with that but where did that black dude learn how to do it didn't he watch some older black guy do it but what cuz he's the same color he he's not stealing he's just carrying on the tradition but if elvis does it oh what the [ __ ] now he's the biggest thief ever that doesn't make any sense to me she goes no you idiot it's not about the leg shaking okay it's about he appropriated a culture he took all the music he got all the money got all the fame he's called the king of it now and he never gave a [ __ ] not even a shout out i was like all right fair enough you made about seven or eight good points there that i can't refute he appropriated a culture i get it you're right she goes fine thank you and i go however not for nothing do i get mad at you when you get on a skateboard you start going down the [ __ ] street do i get all offended like hey man that's the white [ __ ] stop appropriating my culture man some dirty white kid in santa monica came up with that man so she starts laughing and i should have stopped there but i'm a comedian right i'm like oh i'm getting a laugh there's got to be a bigger lap so keep going bill let's come with another example so i'm like yeah do i get mad at you when you fly from l.a to new york in under six hours and she just yeah she just stares at me she's just like that was [ __ ] up paying attention so i've been seeing this girl recently uh it's blaco right she lives up in harlem you know gone out like three four times you know first time we hung out we hung out like the village area in new york you know which is sort of like a racially mixed area so [ __ ] was cool you know what i mean second time you hung out was more like midtown you know then the third time she called me at like 3 30 in the morning and she wanted me to come up to her apartment right so it's 3 30 in the morning she lives in harlem i look how i look so it's a [ __ ] situation yeah cause you know the deal right basically a white dude feels comfortable up to about like 98 99th street you know what i'm saying the second the streets start getting into like triple digits like 100 101st street start getting like a little asthma like ah [ __ ] we're starting to get a little high up here you feel that little tightness in your chest can you feel that 106th street you're like leaning on [ __ ] like dude where'd all the cabs go how come there's no taxis up here dude what's a bodega i don't know what that is let's get the [ __ ] out of here so i'm praying to god she's going to tell me to take the subway get off at like 105th street on third you know which is like the first stop in harlem where i can still look over my shoulder and see like all the white people like disappearing over the horizon you know but she goes no man you want to get on the uptown 2 3 train you want to get off at 125th stream like [ __ ] i'm 25th free [Applause] jesus christ that's like right in the middle of everything i'm gonna be surrounded on all four sides i can't [ __ ] do this at this point i'm really trying to hide like the [ __ ] tone that's starting to creep into my voice you know and i'm trying to ask for really specific directions for when i get up there because i want to know exactly where i'm going so she starts naming the streets i have to go down and every other street up there is named that's like a black leader you know she's like make a left on adam clayton take a right on frederick douglass i'm like [ __ ] out of clayton now dude go on the internet look at man of clayton did he kill a bunch of white people during the slaver boat dude i'm going up there so i know what i'm thinking [ __ ] this [ __ ] [Applause] so at this point i'm really having a battle with myself because i'm thinking i can't do this right i'm like i can't do this but my dick's going now come on man we can do this all right just relax pull yourself together and get on the goddamn train right so as always i listen to my dick oh yeah i get on the train by the time i get up there it's like five or four in the morning right i'm staying on like malcolm x and like danny glover or some [ __ ] right i don't even know where the hell i'm at when i see the street i want to go up i want to go up saint nick i can literally see her apartment building but there's like five or six black dudes standing right on the corner right where i want to walk by so i'm like [ __ ] i thought i was on like some reality show at that point like some sort of like white guy survivor he was ridiculous so i'm thinking i gotta walk right by these guys right you know what's funny i think that they were actually more surprised to see me than i was scared you know and i was really really scared you know but i'm also really really white you know like shockingly caucasian you know like if you're not ready for me i can like surprise you no especially if you live up there you've probably seen a white person for hours possibly days so when i show up it's almost like magical like a leprechaun came out of nowhere you know felt like i should have like a little pot of gold like a rainbow behind me top of the morning to your locket just kind of dance my way past them [Applause] but it's been going all right you know once i get in her apartment i'm fine you know i relax sit down you know watch a hip-hop countdown pretend like i know the groups you know what i mean it's just getting there that's a [ __ ] pain in the ass but you know i don't get mad at it because i figure you know black dude's got to go through the same [ __ ] though right when you go into the suburbs go [ __ ] a white girl right just that same awful feeling of just leaving your people behind you know just less and less of you as you're [ __ ] driving out there probably start off lean and you're all [ __ ] cool 20 minutes in you're driving like ten and two the waves are like dude i like this [ __ ] i don't like this [ __ ] at all there's too much grass i don't see any rims this is [ __ ] up none of the windows are tinted i can clearly see white people in every car this is [ __ ] up listen you guys were awesome thank you so much for coming out god bless you thank you very much [Music] you

Channel: Airball Eric

Views: 6,509,027

Keywords: bill burr, bill burr stand up, bill burr reaction, bill burr n word, bill burr some people need lotion, bill burr black friends, bill burr one night stand, comedy, funny videos, podcasts, comedians, monday morning podcast, snl, comedy central, netflix is a joke, jre, joe rogan experience, bill burr podcast, bill burr comedy, bill burr standup

Id: b_OP7GAo2r0

Length: 18min 29sec (1109 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 19 2021