Tone Bell - The Worst Punishment a Dad Can Give - This Is Not Happening

he just had to put that photo in the fridge and it was like some Pavlov's dog [ __ ] like whenever I'm sorry for I was like oh I'm your host Roy Wood jr. come with me did you know that nobody knows where cigar smoking even comes from Amazon [Applause] [Applause] [Music] couple months ago friend of mine called me call me he had a question about being a father my boy dare calls me my son's acting up in schools by the turn 9 years oh and Tom out ain't working and I've been thinking about I've never you know never spanked and every woman but I don't know man it feels like time miles not working and he's like you know what do you think you think you think I should you think I should spank him I was like man I don't know if we're friends because I don't have kids so I've not can't answer this question I don't know I don't know but I did think of it made me think about it so as we got the phone I called my dad I call my dad and I was excited to talk to him like that like I just my friend friend Derek called me and he was asking about woman and it just made me think about the last woman I got and like the most memorable one I have a guy okay and so I'm like hey do you remember do you remember the last woman you gave me and he took a second oh you know yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know you know how you can hear somebody smile from another side of home because I knew the last one because isn't grind it's I guess chiseled in my memory I know exactly what's what penis is and I was like oh put the chair the chair and ask my dad you were the last one forgave me yeah yeah yeah yeah the chair and I was like oh sure you call it the charity we got the same memory I was in sixth grade I was in sixth grade and it did it like it did I can't say every whenever relationship but it definitely definitely like it separated us a bit and it's a weird it's a weird thing was like now I mean it's 20 years later still it still separates it still drove a wedge in between us miles 12 I was going to a new school all good elementary Decatur Georgia and I didn't know anybody I was weird I was like I kinda was in his weird face but like I was probably I was just like I was husky I wasn't chubby I was husky right I was uncomfortable with the gap in my teeth I feel like I didn't have right right haircut I didn't my parents could afford like good clothes so I was just like a I had to be like some like jovial like nice kid because I didn't have I didn't have other kids head okay get to school I'm in miss Dilla's class she's not even a cool teacher the only thing about Miss Dilys class I was good as this girl out like I was in love with Natasha she's the only reason why everyone to go to school beautiful even now thirty thirty year who means like she was bad I had a huge crush on her the class everybody went to be in was Miss Jefferson miss Jefferson redhead probably 25 she's the cool teacher she was a math teacher as Jefferson had this little system in an elementary school where you know she had Jefferson Jefferson bucks in the Jefferson Bank so like any time you score like an a on the test or you like open the door for a little girl or did something nice anytime you're like cordial just this one the nicest some polite you can earn a Jefferson buggy at the end of the week on Fridays you can take a Jefferson bucks buy candy have extra you know extra time and recess or whatever you want to do and so everybody everybody that you wanted to earn Jefferson bucks okay but I didn't have her every day only in a homeroom class header every day so the homeroom class Rose balling out of control okay the homeroom class I mean they had her all the time so they just make them bucks at the bucks okay wait I'm like I'm making three four dollars a week these [ __ ] roll around with fur coats on tossing keys valeting a [ __ ] I'm like we 12 I mean it was a class system you could tell who was better than somebody else it was like they lived in the capital and we were district 12 okay that's how that's how it felt and I was like I was like this is it's enough I can't I can't take it I can't take it like we're not getting enough it's not fair and so four weeks I devised this plan and I was like man I need to rob the Jefferson Bank I'm not getting enough touches so I his whole plan worked out I was a karma go to lunch and imma leave the window crackers i sat next to the window I left the window crack just enough the day came excuse me can I go to the restroom during lunch hallways are empty always a [ __ ] empty Oh Mike my plan is brilliant I slipped through the breezeway over the window hopped in closed it robbed the Jefferson Bank filled my pockets up I went through the classroom door so I could be just being a hallway like I'm coming back from the bathroom lock the door turned around who's standing there god damn Natasha standing right there she's the only other person in the hallway looks at me what are you doing huh what are you doing to miss Jefferson's class I'm like Susan wasn't it huh she goes what's that I look down it's Jefferson books popping all out of my pocket what's that I'm like nothing you stole from his Jefferson no I did oh what's that oh my god damn it and she was like I'm Annie some of that and I had to give it to either gift I had to give Natasha hush money so I empty my whole left pocket just gave it to her hey be quiet okay you didn't see nothing take the money and go don't start a new life you can do whatever you want to make this one it's like it's like that last scene and set it off just go away by the end of the day she had told everybody told everybody she got in trouble I got in trouble they call my dad he was about to be over I remember like oh you know like that that well I knew the woman was coming I knew it was coming I know it was coming I decided to walk home I was like I'm gonna get some fresh air there's about a mile and a half walk I didn't take the bus everybody knew so I didn't want to I did want to get teased on the bus and I got home and I was like you know what if I got three hours left to live I'm gonna just do whatever I want to do and this is I'm 12 years old so you got to imagine like I just went I just got like I got a bowl ice cream I went upstairs I'm like a scrambled porn and that jerked off I made I beat my meat for hours okay eating ice cream watching I'm watching sexual outlaws and they remember I gotta look at it when I get I've never seen a worthless grams it might be pretty good but I don't know and I remember I remember um I remember like going to gonna see her teen ice cream or tugging at it going I was going to work on myself [Music] no I ran out of ice cream gonna get a refill I'll go back downstairs go back downstairs right in front refrigerator there's a chair in the middle of the kitchen right in front of the frigerator and I walk in I'm like I didn't put that there oh my gosh it's who somebody must be home go to the garage nobody's no no boys car mom dad nobody's car looking to drive wait nobody car look down the street nobody's car can't see anything okay I'm like maybe is there the whole time I just didn't notice the first time okay open the freezer up all hear my dad's voice you gonna close that you know what time it is I closed it on how the [ __ ] did you get in there go ahead and drop him drop my pants I'm leaning over this chair you know his chair my dad goes to work I mean he takes out this belt he's I mean wailing I mean it's not even legal what he did now what he did there okay he's from going to work going to work I'm like crying I'm like it's it's even think about analogous still hurts and I'm just I'm bent over cam bent over he's going to work the chair was blue and like a metal back blue back blue seat he's one of old-school like seventies chairs okay going to work she stops for a second he goes tone I turn around I turn around my father standing behind me with a Polaroid he takes a photo [Laughter] [Applause] this tears well-done my face my eyes are red my dad was like all right all right all right all right I like this I'm awful this month was pre out care it was ridiculous that's it last one whatever got last woman I ever done cuz every time I got a trouble after that he'd never touched me again he just had to put that photo in the fridge and it was like some Pavlov's dog [ __ ] like whenever I saw that I was like oh it was crazy it was crazy like to wee he and I had never talked about it we'd never talked about it and I was like that you didn't even know like why I sold Jefferson bucks in the first place I should have got in trouble yeah you not supposed to steal I get it he never knew why I did it I was like that I did it for this girl I did it for the time she told me whatever the best part of it was years like years after that I mean this is probably like five years ago from today I'm in Atlanta my best friend from high school owns a strip club in Atlanta called Magic City okay thanks great great wings and we I mean everybody for high school we all meet there because it's convenient and I got a chance to tell my dad this and I was like that here's what's crazy about this whole thing I was like years later I'm sitting at the bar at Magic City and I have a beer in my hand take a sip and there's a girl dancing and she's finishing up and on a few you know haven't been to a place like this before but at the end of a dance you know everybody you know you collect your money and this girl had a laundry basket and she's like taking out all her you know all her tips and she's like putting my laundry basket to collect them and then I can I catch a glint I'd just catch a glimpse and I'm sitting I'm sitting there and I'm like [Music] you know and I walk up as she's like finishing up and she was kind of help you and I go I'm gonna need some of that it took me 20 plus years but I got that [ __ ] back it was crazy I'm trying to tell my dad that I'll try to tell my dad and I'm like I'm like you know just how crazy is that how crazy is that he's like huh what I was like you didn't hear you don't hear none of that now every time I'm talking about that he's always has me on speakerphone for some reason stalks me on speakerphone but I can hear [ __ ] backwards a rummaging around like what the [ __ ] you doing and then he just goes got it like what he goes I found the photo this whole time trying to rekindle our relationship you never put a [ __ ] there bro that's it guys my name is telling about hey Dad I Love You Man [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 3,341,697

Keywords: Tone Bell, This Is Not Happening, Tone Bell comedian, Tone Bell stand up, comedy central, this isn't happening, roy wood jr, storytelling, father, dad, parenting, parents, son, child, kid, spanking, whooping, chair, school, teacher, Jefferson Bucks, fake money, bank, rob a bank, steal, belt, Polaroid, picture, strip club, Pavlov, Pavlov’s dog, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians, funny stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up comedians

Id: cpn4VhUv__k

Length: 13min 37sec (817 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 19 2019