When You’re Unprepared for a Prison Riot - Ali Siddiq - This Is Not Happening

everybody my story is about prison danger seeing that I look so menacing you know and I'm black so you know it's gonna be about crime let me tell you prison is a is an odd place because you do not know the rules no matter how many prison movies you watched and documentaries of Locked Up you still don't know the rules of what's going to happen so I'm on my way to what they call necessities necessities is you know where you close you get your laundry and all that so I'm walking to necessities and a dude just walks by and say Mexican got on boots I'm like what does that mean because it's like what you mean mixing got on boots everybody got on boots so I thought dude walk past on boots so I tell somebody else foreign do look down and say Mexican do have on boots and just take off running I'm like was I supposed to run because the Mexicans have on boots so I asked the old dude I said hey he's saying all right they got on boots I said what that mean you say it's gonna be a riot I said you pretty calm about a riot I'll say how you know medicine it's got on boots mean he's gonna have it right say cause Mexicans don't wear boots on the wreck yard what they want to wreck y'all they say sneakers they play handball all the time so I'm like does it still don't comprehend so I get back to myself I say hey you Mexican on boots mean you say that mean we gonna ride we're gonna stab a couple of black guys up and I asked does the ride happen in here thank you like in this sale because me and you just finished eating together what you mad at me about I don't know found a black dude I'm like yo so what I do now the Mexican got on boots I say man look you gonna need to find a dude named Cece and get you a knife it's 3 000 people on this unit how the I'm supposed to find CeCe I don't know some just walk around Miss got on boots Cece got on boots Cece dude what up CC say that's what I'm not I say CeCe I need it now he said what type of knife I don't know I just got here so he put up a towel went on this mattress took some out slit some back and now it's eight knives in front of me it's like I made Macy's I'm like you know what kind of knife you want I said well you know what kind of knife I need for a ride ain't never been to ride before he said I suggest something personal I said man how much is a personal knife gonna cost me two bags of coffee come back a little late on the day I say cool CC so I wait three or four hours and I knew he was working on my knife because I was down the cell and I heard on the ground say yeah my knife gonna be sharped in the so then this dude named Mitch say hey getting you a knife I said yes yes you say man you need more than that I say what I need now you say you need to know about how to fight in a riot you see Mexican got on boots this is the reason why they have on boots so they can kick you in this machine while you fighting boots are made out of metal so you got to do this this is Mitch it's in my cell teaching me how to be in a riot look first of all we're gonna have to do a rock in lean next is gonna come out there they gonna have their knives you're gonna have to have your shirt off with your knife and when you do this you're gonna have to rock see what foot the messy gonna kick you with I said this this is too much this is too much it's like a choreographed dance I don't know what I'm doing so I'm waiting to get my knife I go back to CC I said yo CC I need my knife he say man I just sold your knife I say man what the see so you said it was a personal knife for me it comes two bags of coffee why it's not personal no more you say man it was personal then a dude came in with three bags of coffee then he made it business I see the ride about to jump off amen do what you can do so I'm out there rocking with no knife [Applause] I've been practicing for two hours Rock I'm not getting kicked but I'm getting cut I got cut down my side from a Mexican who didn't even have on boots [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 702,111

Keywords: Ali Siddiq, This Is Not Happening, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, true story, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, prison, prison stories, battle stories, Ali Siddiq - When You’re Unprepared for a Prison Riot - This Is Not Happening, ali siddiq, When You’re Unprepared for a Prison Riot, riot, prison riot, riotting, this is not happening, not happening

Id: oHPysqEfkM0

Length: 6min 9sec (369 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 03 2023