Best of the Worst: Dragon Hunt, Tartarus, and Born into Mafia

and we're back listen let's talk about films today on best of the worst we are watching three films from previous filmmakers who have appeared on best of the worst oh so is this a sequel show or just a filmography show i i i don't think one of the films is definitely a sequel so it's a little bit of both okay our first film which jack you are responsible for the mcnamara brothers are back yes they're definitely not gay [Music] you should read this one because you are the one who found the original twin dragon encounter yes in a thrift store in minnesota and we eventually watched it and got a little uncomfortable watching them ride on three-wheelers they were in love with each other and i think they will continue to be in love with each other in the sequel but that's just a guess the ultimate game of survival the twin dragons michael and martin mcnamara dragon hunt do you remember how the first film ended the first film ends with them forgetting their girlfriend because they never really loved them in the first place subtext and then the bad guy flies away on an airplane ah oh we have camouflage and guns we have punks and babes in cages and more punks and guns for all the things canada has to be embarrassed of this might be the worst madman jake and his people's private army set the captured twins loose on an island with vicious killers hot on their trail so apparently they are captured at one point but then set loose on an island of vicious killers outnumbered and outgunned the twins are in trouble mick and martin are the underdogs but they have a reputation to fight to their last breath the hunters become the hunted as the game takes a deadly turn the world champion kickboxing twins leap into action in dragon hunt uh i suppose like the the big question for me is how are they going to up the ante because we saw lots of fighting we saw a little bit of guns and a fair bit of three wheeling i'm gonna say they didn't film the action in ultra slow motion remember the fights in the first one they lasted about a second and they were awkward and so they they went back and they slowed everything down yeah i'm going to guess that they may be improved on the cinematic uh uh execution of the fights because that was the the big fail of the first one they had a camera and they locked it down and then they went and then some people fell down and then they said the the fight scene lasted four seconds right this is not real we'll slow it down then the fight scene will last 25 seconds right yeah and that's not such a good experience for the audience and i you know i'm going to give them points here because they did find a clever way to shoot at night yeah and boy oh boy are these fight scenes much better than the first film even if they're not so great i i think they learned a little bit about like a real fight versus what a movie fight yeah there's there's camera cuts there's different handles yeah it's not just one wide shot right we have a bad filmmaker that actually learned a lesson oh look at that oh my god it's too much cut cut [Laughter] i feel i feel like that's fair i think they're gonna have a bazooka okay is there one on the back of the box there's not one on the back of the box but that's my guess is they're gonna have a bazooka and they will bazooka something each other is that a sex act there's no one here oh it's just me and you today jack is that is that a sex act yeah nice uh my other guest the name bazooka joe comes from yeah let's go around the corner give you a bazooka joe i like it i like it it came from world war ii that's what all the like the the prostitutes in japan would call the u.s sailors bazooka joes because they'll blast them in the face bazookas that's true or with that with their bazookas that's true and then they called the chewing gum that and little did they know thousands millions of little kids were putting bazooka joes in their mouth oh but that was like sailor seaman yeah that's true history seaman seaman look it up on wikipedia the internet database for perverts that was that was a long setup let's go watch dragon hunt i should be called twin dragon hunt for just dragon hunt yeah they they're ignoring the twin the twin aspect they're not they're right here i mean it says the twin dragons are back or whatever but it should be called twin dragon encounter twin dragon hunt this was before this was before the before the era of colons okay all right hello well not for them [Laughter] hey [Music] [Music] i i think this is supposed to be funny so mike we're back what's next what's next is juan fernandez in i can't read it tartar sauce tartarus tartarus [Music] oh this is more legible okay tartarus tartarus is a tartarus a thing but this is a film by dave waskovich oh no the director of one of the most famous movies ever suburban sasquatch oh no yes we have quite a collection of dave waskovich films probably four or five of them do we yeah wow i don't know if it's going to be as good as suburban sasquatch what is but we can at least give it a shot great [Music] oh my god it really is on a spacecraft [Music] yes he escaped it was all just on an alien spacecraft cosmic justice is served tortured by evil haunted by demons tartarus has been opened walk the line between heaven and hell [Applause] oh my god [Applause] [Music] [Applause] but like eventually we need a plot right no remember where you are [Music] this is jello oh the old brain in a pie tin it's just jello tartarus is the infernal regions of ancient greek mythology oh okay so it's like greek hell like hades okay all the all the under the infernal region so now i feel so uncultured john is on the run escaping the ellipses but to where demons and evil surround him aliens torturing him well he's getting it from all ends taunting him but his only allies are those that he does not believe he can trust trying to escape his past was his biggest mistake wow this is really vague where madness and death live great let's go to the dental chair and remove that tartarus it's like in the plaque turns to tartar what is it [Music] [Laughter] oh no guys it's a ufo it can presumably go faster than the speed of light jack [Music] what the fools have there tartarus so we just watched tartarus wow what an amazing film it ran away with all of my accolades right i'm surprised i never heard of it it should have won a war it's the year that it came out you know you know what film did win tons of awards the last vampire on earth by vitaly versace have you seen this i have seen this were you there on this episode i don't remember i was not there on this episode but we watched that beforehand uh that's the movie about the aids vampire right right it's heartbreaking if i am too remembered correctly right who's in love with a girl who is a jehovah's witness yeah and then they eat a lot of fried chicken yeah and there's a little fat brother yeah yes oh so good so beautiful well we happen to have another film of vitaly versace's it's called born into mafia oh oh oh no [Music] that's the actual cover yeah this is not something that you made as a joke in photoshop no and uh people online said it's the best crime film it's that quote is attributed to people online people online not probably not people magazine no no just people people online have said it's the best crime film commenter has once said this movie is so awesome can you refute it no no i guess it has to be more than one person several people could only find one person who said best crime movie or best crime film also like the four stars that it is given is not in quotes and so i think those are just random four stars that happen to be next to the pull quote it could be four stars out of 50 for all we know oh good we got the widescreen edition oh thank god it's proper aspect ratio i was the only one on the plane i'm walking away from baggage nice to meet you so how's the l.a it's awesome look at the weather so should we get your luggage i don't have a luggage a russian with no luggage what are the chances of that hold on what it was a slow down shot you just didn't have a reaction nope i i'm so sold already once in the mafia always in the mafia it's prove some truth to that statement i'm sure vitali versace knows all about oh this is restricted oh is rich okay to watch this uh rich are you okay with the restricted film it's not technically r-rated by the mpaa it is just restricted restricted say who is restricted no no no then i don't know well if you feel uncomfortable let us know do you have any restrictions i guess is the better question right do you have any versace restrictions no i you know i think i'm gonna risk it do you have mob ties that might put you in danger for making fun of this movie no this is what the back of the box says this film is a concentrated study of a russian mafia family ivan runs to america to escape the organized crime curse and start a new life oh hi ivan welcome to america thank you i know you're going to enjoy staying in our home let's all have some tea i'll get the teeth there we go there we go just wanted to make sure the couch still worked it still works a concentrated study of a russian mafia family they can't make that font any bigger without pixelating it they have nothing to say about this movie uh uh is three or shooting star productions the the logo for shooting star production is mostly cut off the s the mark of quality shooting the production company can't get their logo right on the back of the box i think we are going to see stock footage of a helicopter okay and they're gonna say hey we gotta go to new jersey hey now we're in new jersey that was a good helicopter ride hey that's the exact thing where is this tony danza on this or tony danza yeah the what's this ladies and monica hey angeler we're going to new jersey born in the mafia over here like a mama used to born [ __ ] yeah i think right now becomes english first language in the world so most of the i was in private school my dad has a lot of a lot of money and connections so i was just i got tired of that but i i was in private school you might say i was born into mafia i had the best uh education basically it's just not about that it's just uh so as my mom died i missed love when i was 10. the last vampire is clearly the superior film clearly [Music] well here we are everybody the discussionary phase of best of the worst this was an exciting gimmick no it was before we watched the movies and conceptually it was an interesting gimmick but ultimately a failure and a disaster uh we should call this episode second bests or maybe third best fourth bests although we should have known what we were getting into the first one since the last time we did the mcnamara brothers movie we did destroy the tape yeah yeah yeah well just as a reminder obviously uh this one what is this called dragon hun dragon hunt dragon the first film is called twin dragon encounter this one is tartarus it's of course made by dave waskovich the creator of suburban sasquatch and born into mafia vitaly versace the one and only the one and only directorial auteur tour de force of filmmaking he made the last vampire on earth which all three of those films were great this is their inbred stepsons yes this is their less than let's talk about i can't remember dragon [ __ ] i can never remember the name of this movie i'm gonna pass this off to jay because jay has extensive knowledge and a good memory of these kinds of of movies where people shoot guns in the forest it does get hard to keep track i don't even know how many we've watched at this point but this is this movie uh dragon hunt it picks up right where twin dragon encounter left off uh the main bad guy jake uh who got a spear in his hand or something in the last movie i guess that was enough where they had to amputate his hand and now he's got a plastic hand that's spray painted silver oh well it's a metal hand it's a metal hand sure wait we got a metal hand but he's very very upset that he got ousted by the famous and talented and ripped and manly mcnamara brothers those twin dragons those twin dragons curses [Music] we're rocking your ship [Music] in case you're wondering ladies and gentlemen this is a stick up considering everything else that happened in the movie the ie the entire thing was in the woods that opening was exquisite that's true there was lots of shots compared to the the way the action scenes in the first movie were executed versus one flat wide shot we're getting lots of cuts in this there was definite cinematic improvement in this way they learned lessons from the first film the first thing that happens is they rob the boat no the first thing that happens is they buy guns before they have stolen money to buy guns it doesn't matter yeah yeah they buy guns from like the mafia who insist on knowing why they're buying the guns that's right right who are you gonna use the weapons against i told you it was none of your business it is my business that's the only way i sell guns we have a policy here make something up that's all you got to do two karate dojo owners what who may or may not want to [ __ ] each other that was one of those like reinforcing the idea that the twin dragons were the most badass cause the mafia says who are you gonna shoot with these guns they say we're going after the twin dragons and they say oh good luck with that another important thing to note is that they totally have girlfriends like all the time oh yeah boobs and sex not not the same girlfriends for the first movie we're not sure different girlfriends before we get there i wanted to mention one of the exciting scenes in the opening is i guess the the bad guys they uh they robbed this boat and they leave behind a clue to frame the mcnamara brothers which is half of a necklace that the magna bear mare brothers also have so the cops arrest them just based on the fact that there was a necklace on the boat and then the the greatest scene happens where they just beat the [ __ ] out of them you are there you and your brother what about this medallion we found someone so so despite the fact that there are nine guys with machine guns because they found a medallion that's their medallion they just assumed that they yes that was the evil master plan is every cop knows these medallions i think it's the best scene in the movie because it's just so satisfying to see those guys get their asses kicked but the bigger question is why does this happen because then they let him go and it has nothing to do with the rest of the movie right it would have made for a much better movie like they're trying to clear their name yeah that's what i thought it was going to be but then it's just no we got to get them back in the woods so they can run around and throw spears just like the first movie because it's all about their ego because so they get saved by another cop who says no these are the twin dragons they're the coolest what did adam go for because ten years ago these guys saved my ass they're friends of mine i don't care if they're friends of yours i'll get broke a necklace that's the proof against them and you're not thinking like a cop anymore your personal feelings are getting in the way okay you're the one who's rescuing them because of your personal feelings that's true did they sink the boat and kill everyone on board why are these cops so angry that's the end of that you can go free so they instantly go on another vacation yeah to the exact same cabin in the exact same island where jake and all of his henchmen are well the most exciting thing that happens is the movie is that the the bad guys use the money that they robbed from the boat to uh to buy this evil compound from an actual realtor we have a scene where they negotiate the price with the realtor which means they had to do paperwork they had to have a closing how long did all this there was probably an inspection that needed to be done yeah closing costs it was i'm sure like a week's worth of work for those bad guys i'm the worst realtor ever how much four million three two million and we can offer you an excellent second mortgage plan jake is this supposed to be funny down the hill back there's a great place to build a training camp [Laughter] but here's the important part of of the movie is once again they go on vacation their girlfriends who do the do a double cross drug them and they are now in a cage in the middle of the bad guy camp after they swam to visit the bad guy camp the day before just to check on the bad guys this movie is a lot less homoerotic than the first yeah that's what made the first one so much fun yeah them on that atv and they just they was just oiling each other up and rolling around and climbing on yeah there's not as much of that in this movie unfortunately the pogo stick scene was incredibly awkward in the first one you think of what i'm thinking well for one the first film is identical to this one with mild differences they have two ladies who may or may not be the same ladies i'm gonna put them i'm gonna put some side by sides up here uh i think they're the same ones they might be they're canadian and i don't mean the same actresses they very well could be the same actresses whether or not they're supposed to be the same characters i don't know because they never say their names they don't even get introduced they just we just cut to a wide shot on of them on their like boat going to their cabin yeah it's like oh i guess that's their girlfriend just assume that ladies are always with them and they always have a lady each to go to their vacation cabin they once again go to this site of a horrible violin incident that occurred a month ago right maybe last summer i don't know it was last summer because the end credits to the first movie oh that's right say that jake will come to bother them again next summer okay so it's a yearly thing it's an annual thing but they show up at their cabin and they have their their twin dragon uh martial arts academy poster on the front door and there's a bloody arrow stuck in it and then they're just like eh uh that's what you pull a lawrence fish burn in event horizon and just say we're leaving we're leaving yeah they say well some guys uh oh gosh it's probably that that armed militia again i think someone's expecting us start on pack we'll be back we've got to get we've got to strip down and go swimming let's have our vacation you girls stay here alone while we run off together we're gonna we're gonna go swim and find out if they're on their island which would be a different island since they bought new property right so i don't know how they knew where to swim to but they did and when they're gone that's when the girlfriends poison them because they're working for the militia yes right they're going to drug them i guess these girls are up to no good why do you even need that whole army if you have girls that have infiltrated just wait till they're sleeping and have the girls stab him in the face maybe they're working on their own now boys look away they're just poisonous poison them you can't take out the mcnamara brothers that easily jay you need an army the theory is that the guys knew the whole time and they were playing along no i think what happened was the girls were working for the bad guys and over the course of being in in the camp with the bad guys they were like oh these guys are too bad now i feel bad for the mcnamara brothers so we're going to help them right because they were the jake and his crew were really mean to the girls you know remember but but the mcnamara brothers don't seem to give a [ __ ] that the girls betrayed them at the end of the movie oh and well there's reveals with the girls too they're cops one of them's a cop at least one of them is a cop and that's the twists and i don't it doesn't lead to anything the other one is like a horrible drug fiend that also doesn't lead to anything it doesn't lead there's just one scene where she's like i need my drugs and she's like chugging alcohol and she's snorting coke i guess and that's never brought up again jake has an army at a secret camp and the mcnamaras are there in a cage what is jake's plan for revenge what are his rules and what are the parameters what's this contest about i thought we'd play a little game well i'll say they they uh first thing he's gonna do is let the mcnamara brothers out of the cage and give them two hours get dressed got two hours i'm sick of looking at your big dicks oh they're so big in that time they could just jump in the water and swim away they don't do that wrong why can't they do that because anyone who leaves the island will be shot the people's private army will monitor the perimeter of the island once the heart starts anyone trying to leave the island will be shut and then see many scenes later everybody leaves the island and walks around and goes and votes well they start using guns too that's completely thrown out the window after the contestants are all killed what do the mcnamara brothers have to do um well they have to survive i guess oh no they they oh no there's a capture of the flag this movie is capture the flag this is a yes the rules are quite simple twins will be totally unarmed only you man will know exactly where the rotating flag will be is he talking like that twins will try to capture the flag your job is to kill them there's a 200 000 cast reward for the man who does the job oh they're literally playing cash for the 44 hours a day what happens if they get the most dangerous game apparently is capture the flag they win what do they win they get together i know what the bad guys win if they kill them whoever kills them gets two hundred thousand dollars two hundred thousand dollars see see jake he got all this money together so he could hire people to hunt down the mcnamara brothers but he also has two thousand two hundred thousand dollar prize for killing the mcnamara brothers but if you don't kill the mcnamara brothers you get shot or burned a lot or burned alive this is a great great plan it makes perfect sense who wouldn't sign up for this there's also a very specific and rigid schedule on who gets the hunt the mack number of brothers and when they get to hunt them the twins will be hunted 24 hours a day you hunters will be divided into three groups each group takes an eight hour shift beastmaster you take the first shift red skull you and your ninjas will be the second hunting party and fat man you take the third ship hunters take notice although the twins are vastly outnumbered they are masters of kung fu and kickboxing complete professionals they're also skilled woodsmen the twins can survive in the bush in the harshest of conditions don't underestimate [Laughter] there's there's group a who is the beast master who has to hunt down the mcnamara brothers with a happy fluffy dog there is group b the ninjas who are not allowed to hunt the magnifimira brothers at night there are group b the next scheduled after the beastmaster and then group c is bubba who has a crossbow and he's fat yeah that's it but even though he's a group c and the ninjas are group b wait no because the ninjas are originally grouped c they know that i'm sorry i don't know the ninjas are originally scheduled to go last after bubba but for some reason they send out the ninja so it went a c b one b two c could we clarify our fat men though there's a many fat man because there there's there's a country music star with with the chains the beast master that's the beast that's the beast master who has the dog bees by the way there is a fat guy in overalls with crossbow who can't run who they taunt him with heart attacks that's the fat man that's the fat man but then there's also the the heavy guy the mentally challenged one the dim weighted guy who's like seven feet tall and six hundred you say he's too dumb to feel pain or something he's like a brute like you could punch him in the head a hundred times and he'll just keep fighting yeah and and so what group all three of these guys belong to i'm not sure well i mean it goes without saying because it's the mcnamara brothers they they just kill everybody which means we get to see the mcnamaras kill a fluffy cute dog oh mr fluffy our heroes have now killed a friendly fluffy duck um and that's yeah so like immediately you're like oh i hope that the mcnamara brothers don't win right i don't like them anymore then they not only murder but taunt and murder someone who is severely overweight they keep like wishing for him to have a heart attack and yes the fat man is hunting them but after the fat man misses his shot the mcnamara brothers are like jogging after him going run fat man run like poking him with sharp sticks they just stab him in the back they do eventually they they play with their food [Laughter] his foot gets caught in a bear trap or whatever and then they just stab him in the back that's very honorable these are like like the basic rules of the hero right the hero never like murders well i mean they kill people in defense they will kill people but only if they have to even in situations like this if the fat guy they've eluded him and he's walking away leave it be don't run up and stab him in the back unless your life is in mortal danger that's that's rule number one yeah and then to put all this in context which is the baffling part is i get that these guys aren't big fans of the canadian government and their whole shtick is we're we're like i don't know not mountain men we're real men we're tough men we're manly men they're the manliest men demanding they're naturist they they they often flaunt how like how much prowess they have with like building things and chopping wood i mean they get down to speedos they're not quite naturist but they get close but my point is you're going you're going back to your cabin with your ladies right and there's a bloody uh arrow in your door and and your old nemesis is there with an army on a neighboring island with machine guns and explosives and there's never ever a thought that crosses their mind of can they go in their cabin and find a phone and pick it up and dial the canadian equivalent of 911 which is 916834765897 and call the canadian government and say we're in trouble well and i think but the important point that you made there mike was the mcnamaras after getting their two-hour head start immediately are in the water outside of the radius of the island they have already escaped they have chosen them to come back and murder everyone it's just a poorly executed story they wanted to have an action movie with with martial arts fighting explosions gun fights and they did not know how to properly frame it and tell it yeah they don't understand story structure motivation motivation they did though uh and when it comes to the execution of the action it's like they watched our previous episode and they took notes because yes the things that we complained about they greatly improved on in this movie but the the fight scene with the ninjas at night we get some fire which is motivation for there being light at night and it's it's not the worst it's not the worst it's not the worst that's the best compliment i can give it it's just illogical it's just a bad story like they at one point we laughed because they stole the 200 000 in a briefcase they steal the prize money which i think at this point everyone's either dead or has forgotten about the prize money and they're running around with the prize money and at this point guns are okay see that was that was so potentially clever i'm stealing the prize money like i think a clever writer could have done something with that where that was like a tool they used to throw a monkey wrench into the whole game and now and now the mercenaries they hired aren't getting their money and then the mercenaries turn on jake's men and they're fighting each other now and the mcnamara brothers are using that confusion to their advantage to rescue people we care about something but what ends up happening is they end up like on a sand hill and a helicopter shoots at them with a machine gun but they shoot at the helicopter and they win fred pull up fred holy [ __ ] [Music] they did their best and then there is a cacophony of violence an absolute mad house of fists it's just a montage of close-ups of of punches and kicks the payoff though to the stealing the money plot is they just drop the money that's the end of that oh there goes the money plot bye wow that's the payoff to that they steal the money and then like a scene later oh they they dropped the suitcase they just ran out into the middle of an open area when they know they're surrounded by men with machine guns which is the dumbest thing you can do if you're surrounded by men with machine guns i think they did that just because well one you can it was a nice open area where they can set off explosions seemed like they i mean they really must have liked the look of those explosions in the sand and it just got really self-indulgent i mean they look cool but you do it two three times and you got it but it went on for like 10 minutes so if they could just stand back and if their third film would have had like a script writer come in someone with knowledge of film pacing and plotting and and said no wait guys let's do this and they could have discussed it and said well but we're so awesome but you need a moment where you know you guys are you're kicked and you're down and you have to fight your way back and you have to be clever and you have to do something heroic and you know you have to all the beats that a movie needs to satisfy an audience all completely lacking in this well i think another problem is that even if it had all that stuff the mcnamaras themselves are horribly uncharismatic yeah but jade they have awesome mustaches that's true i don't think you could make them likable no no i think that's a that's a difficult task but if you're gonna make a movie with them anyway at least you could take a stab at it they could do some cute things with their girlfriends and you know maybe they have a funny a funny uh date scene they go out to a nice restaurant and then uh one of the girls go up to the powder room right and then you know they come back and they accidentally sit at the wrong table and you have and and you have some kind of funny stuff and which makes like them that's another thing that they never play up is the fact that they're twins really one's a world famous maestro the other [Music] a martial arts master there's stuff you could do with that remember the barbarian twins they were in a series of movies in the late 80s into the early 90s there's so many jokes about the fact that they're twins you could do something with that this unlikely bear will have to switch gears swap places and kick twice the butt but but they they would never want to make fun of themselves that's true yeah they would never be awesome comfortable making you know would be amazing amazing sequel bait at the end because these two are like they're shot up they're on the ground you think jake has won the day yeah and then we hear helicopter blades two ropes drop two more mcnamaras drop [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] marco and mitchell mcnamara the long lost other twins we thought you died in nam no my my death was faked i was in the super secret service oh that's great it's really nice to see it two black ops you wanna help us fight this guy they just uh they just liberated the p.o.w canadian camp we were set free a while ago but we wanted to help clean up because canadians are very nice oh yeah they cleaned up their cells they washed their cell we felt bad for leaving they seemed to have a good time kidnapping us viet cong let us go but you know we just didn't want to say anything didn't want to make him feel bad we wanted to tidy up a bit but we're back we're back and we brought some bazookas with us and we're ready to kick some ass oh yeah kicks them behind and then they leave with the girls who i guess they're friends with now i'm sure and that's dragon hunt but wait and that's it and they went home with the mcnamara so they're just okay with them betraying them they never wait this film was in no way assisted by telefilm canada or the ontario film department man they got a grudge against a lot of different people wow [Laughter] [Music] well everyone justice was served to jake and his nasty army and cosmic justice is served in tartarus um i'm gonna hand this one off to jack oh not you no because i know you hate this dribble yeah and jack did say it was an a plus idea executed in a d-minus way okay so i did say a-plus for idea and i un-ironically mean that i am into arty farty [ __ ] and this is some arty farty [ __ ] and i love it when filmmakers attempt to get across a big dumb idea in a meaningful way i'm not i'm not saying that david waskovich has reached green levels of art in cinema but he's reaching towards breen with tartarus complete with rooms covered in garbage bags and everything i like what he's trying for here i like the garbage bags it's off to an average start [Laughter] i get i think the moral of the story is after you make your set uh look in your camera and see what it looks like well it's hard to do that when you're also in front of the camera wearing an awkward alien mask you can't really monitor your shot so tartarus is the story of john and john is um john is abducted and tortured by aliens who actually aren't aliens they are kind of celestial beings who are trying to help john make good moral decisions it sounds like it sounds like i'm giving away the plot but we find out all this information within five minutes of starting the movement well at first we think he is actually abducted by aliens that's true the reveal halfway through is that oh it's not really an alien sure it's just a guy in a cheap dollar store alien costume tortured repeatedly in like obscene and vulgar ways [Music] that's draining his balls of blood i don't like this and you know you think it's like the classic alien you know anal probe type stuff but it's just the body horror version of that and that's what you think the movie is for a while except it's kind of completely obvious what the twist is going to be which jack thinks is an a plus idea and it's it's the laziest it's like what a stupid person would do when he's trying to be pretentious he was dead and in hell the whole time oh no and like the alien's just punching him but that that wasn't the only twist i'm with jack a little bit on this okay that wasn't the only twist it's like oh he was dead the whole time you know blah blah blah it was it was it was a roller coaster ride um but we should establish the framework of it the friend okay is he's he's on the alien ship he starts to get tortured and we get a little flashback uh to it's very told very in a fractured way but a flashback to him doing something horrible who doesn't want a slimy vacuum up their butt so his his terms were but it really goes in oh crack only smoking crack smoking crap oh my god he does it all oh because of butt crack it all makes sense and as it goes along then we go back to the alien him being tortured and then another scene of him on earth doing something horrible he's basically the worst person ever and he's done all the horrible things that is the construction of the film the back and forth the different scenes but the overall john is a terrible person who's dead and he's in a place called tartarus which is so not a sort of limbo not quite heaven or hell it's the afterlife and dave waskovich himself is in an alien mask as as a eternal is wonko the eternal preparer who are you i am the preparer prepare for what for what comes next i'm the preparer for the transition from life to death what are you talking about this is a house of preparation preparation for what and he's preparing john to either go to heaven or hell based on his decision preparing him to be judged but they're giving him he's give what he's doing is he's giving john the best possible chance of making it to heaven yes it's like here you've you've been a [ __ ] up your whole life here are examples here are your examples we're gonna torture the [ __ ] out of you and maybe you'll [ __ ] learn your lesson before we make our final judgment on you right and john is thick as a brick [Laughter] in the brain area yes look i don't mean any disrespect but i have no idea what you're talking about i suppose some things do need to be spoon fed to you you do know where you are don't you ah good so you've gotten something after all these years and just a reminder this this heady esoteric concept is from the director of suburban sasquatch yes that's the important part [Music] he wanted to make a leap into something arty and he tried he tried and and you know what the these special effects are god-awful the set is not awful yes the acting is is pretty bad the garbage can is awful the garbage the the weird snake monster that attaches itself to his penis and sucks blood from his balls the best performance in the movie is from the anal probe yes there is an anal probe yeah john never he never realizes what exactly is going on and he never takes the opportunity to change to become a better person because the fun part here is let's list john's atrocities possibly in sequential order okay let's go let's go around robin and see robin who can't think of one first so we'll start with this shady business dealings that's like the first one it's kind of mild explain it i don't remember the details he's just on the phone and he's doing this to me listen go for it shady business dealing one he is on the phone with a guy who runs an orphanage oh right yes and he says i need 40 000 to invest in a sketchy penny stock and or a ponzi scheme come on trust me the money i'll come through okay i'm wiring it now and he calls his broker or been approved for a forty thousand dollar transfer from the better times orphanage great thanks man sounds like you made a good deal here today yeah john you're a real smart oh wow orphanage shouldn't be investing in penny stocks with their orphaned money that's that guy's fault too smooth kind of should be president can you get off my property well the next one after that is i guess it's just he's a shitty husband there's not much more to it than that it's just a scene of him arguing with his his homely wife and then that's kind of it you cut out my heart you bastard goodbye john um you're gonna get the good one aren't you no because i believe the next one is just going to be in order oh i thought we were going in order we don't have to well i would have given a much better one no no and i won't give that one either we'll save that one for rich because that one's fun um the next one is is the ball blood sucking which is he just goes to a prostitute and and is a little rough with the prostitute obviously like prostitution is its own thing but then he's extra rough it's worth pointing out that that scene takes place in his driveway which is probably dave wazkovich's driveway and i'm just picturing all the neighbors like looking out their windows what are you doing dave is at it again no stop oh no no stop no butt stuff [Music] is he farting [Laughter] oh okay okay all right we've got some connectivity here [Music] what are you up to now wascovich you asked leeway starts off in like an alleyway or something and then once she gets into the car then it cuts to a safer spot and it's very the police won't come then the next thing he does is he sells widows uh scam ufo afterlife videos to save your soul which is very ironic considering the situation he's in trust me i have seen these alien ships i know what these aliens look like have you seen inside the ships oh no only those captured and tortured seeing them but my video will show you what the ships look like how to avoid them you'll learn about the evil things they do to you the heart he's just every scumbag he's a whole lot of scumbag he's a very busy man [Laughter] oh what can you do just buy this video it will tell you all you need to know i'm not sure look it's only fifty dollars and we'll tell you what prayers you need to do to help keep your husband safe now he's scamming widows you see these aliens these ufos they take people away torture them they keep their souls the only way we can prevent that is that we pray and pray hard pray that the camera gets back in focus that's where the alien comes i think rich is forgetting the dvd one was amazing because i think we're gonna win this one uh what what a bizarre scam oh some old poor old lady that my husband died well you know he's not going to heaven with jesus if you want him to go to heaven you got to pay me 50 to watch this ufo video aliens will scoop him up unless you watch this video which tells you all the exact prayers to say so that your husband on his way to meet jesus won't get snatched up by aliens and it's like i think one out of maybe a billion people might fall for that it's not the best scam in the world so here's my question is his is his tardis that he's in is that his own personal tardis that that the eternal pick based on that yeah or was he just coincidentally right about what happens after you die it is not his own personal tardis because we see the hundreds of bodies see what's coincidentally right about the afterlife being a ufo that scoops up and tortures yourself ironically it's uh he was not coincidentally right that was also a construct to try to get him to change his ways i think the other people that they show laying on the beds probably didn't also be alien okay they saw the the the dave waskovich character in a different form perhaps appearing as something oh so he appeared as an alien because of this connection to his alien scam that makes sense that's why he's a very smart film that's why the tree started a plus effort he loved her efforts that's why the tree stump tried to suck his balls off to get back at him for for raping the prostitute okay okay mike's next mike's you're next for atrocities what's the fun what i'm forgetting then oh my god i can't believe we're gonna oh god okay i think i know what you guys are gonna say so i won't steal it i'm gonna go with crack pipe oh yeah crack pie um because i know they're gonna ran over the guy in the wheelchair oh my god how could i forget that's forgetful how could i forget that so i'm gonna let them happen how could i forget that they were so excited so um i mean i don't care who says it i just can't believe rich forgot it i there's so much tonight it's true it is a very dense film uh so our friend john in addition to being a a uh selling penny stocks that he knows will fail two orphanages uh selling old ladies dvds to pray to aliens so that they don't scoop up the soul of her dead husband he also enjoys a little crack rock who doesn't and so he needs a refill on his crack pipe and so he stops in at dave waskovich's house which might be why the eternal looks like dave waskoven that makes sense sure so he goes into this like really nice suburban house which apparently is a drug dealer's house has the same couch that we've seen multiple times this is the famous couch as cameo from the couch from the suburban sasquatch behind the scenes footage there's a scene in suburban sasquatch in this house is there yeah it's grandma's house remember he fights the monster in the living room yeah i just recognized that couch it's his house that's where the the sasquatch knocks the door into pieces yes yeah but it's still there right right yeah what a great film he sits down it is a great film let's have a drink drug addict you need crack and he's like i've got the best he takes out a plastic baggie i've got aryan not bavarian bolivia that's in germany he says would it surprise you he wants he has a crack pipe right which you smoke crack rock out of it not cocaine would you snort so he says i've got the best bag of bolivian rock it comes from the south pure oblivion rock straight from the south [Music] [Music] so then john immediately starts snorting it up his nose [Music] i don't snort crack i don't think they knew what drugs were no no david waskovich has never drugged you know it's good for dave velasquez this is not a slight against him but maybe do a little research though i'd love to see his movies if he actually did use drugs you know like a little google search what do you call drug dave wazkovich pulls a gun out he's like i'm a cop then he's demands to know who his supplier is yeah and then he's the buyer so he's like i don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about you're my supplier and so again they didn't know how drugs worked and then he gets shot in the head and dies hold it this is a bust what the you have a right to remain no no no don't do anything rash all right this is [ __ ] [ __ ] man what the [ __ ] is going uh it's pretty clear help you what the [ __ ] you want my help for we're not looking for you okay we want your supplier no you wait you're the one giving him drugs jay well he loves to uh drive around while chugging censored bottles of wild turkey and this one time he's doing that he hits a poor innocent person in a wheelchair with his car and crushes their head like a melon it's noon the best time for this is it gonna be a kid pancakes [Applause] what what person in a wheelchair crosses in the middle of the street with no crosswalk in the mean streets they were also blind mike the point is he was drunk driving he runs over an innocent pile of clothes basically we watch 90 minutes of a guy just being an [ __ ] that's kind of the movie [Laughter] jay weird masks yeah i guess if you don't have a dslr camera and you can't get shallow depth of field just make really shitty masks around things and blur out the background there's a lot of that in this and it was really confusing well and was he trying to imitate an arty depth of field look or was he trying to cover up the garbage bags it could have been either the fact that we don't know yeah this is this is the weirdest discussion we've ever had of a paul thomas anderson film i would have thought dave waskovich would make a weird decision when it comes to a visual effect i never would have expected the sasquatch picking up the cop card you know it's a balance you want to find that balance of practical and visual effects and that's what he's going for here you know i feel like i'm in a sarcasm sandwich meat he had a real garbage can that he painted yeah he had a real thing that he stuck on some guy's dick yeah that was a little oh god we probably don't want to gloss over that right that's the most disturbing part of the movie yeah i i wouldn't okay i'm gonna delve into the why i give this a plus for the idea go for it i'm only listen i'm willing to hear you out i'm not a complete [ __ ] you're my friend jack and i want to hear why you think this terrible terrible idea is actually secretly good so if this were presented in a slightly different manner as if we were just going through john's life uh for example in the movie uh we see him uh talking to his wife and he's he's being a [ __ ] husband and blowing her off this relationship doesn't mean anything to him and then all of the sudden blood starts showing up on him and it is a kind of disturbing visual uh similarly when he is having rough sex with the prostitute blood starts pouring out of his crotch and then she has like a weird tongue thing that was very jacob slattery too yes yes and so there is this like melding of reality and what is real and what do what consequences do my actions have that sort of and if the reveal that he was on an alien spaceship was pushed back a little bit and we just kept seeing this disturbing imagery and it cut back to his normal life as if he was imagining it what is [Music] if they went that route i think you could have had a really interesting and atmospheric horror film that dealt with yes a simple subject but it could have been very fun instead in the first five minutes we get dave waskovich in an alien mask i'm gonna say this this is a personal thing for me i i can't stand movies to play around with what is real and you never know what's real and is this the dream i i hate that it's just disorienting to watch it's not that's not point though it's not my jam it's what i'm saying that's fine my gem what i i think this could have used just narratively to make this more of a story his memories in the sequence should have told some kind of story like how did he become an [ __ ] what were the things that happened that made him become more and more depraved would have been nice something like that yeah well you're here and you're going to shut the [ __ ] up okay that's it [Music] your mother's out there holding around getting pumped full of drugs is that where you want to be yeah [Laughter] hopefully hopefully we're all talking about what could have been or what you could have done differently which applies to all three of these films with just the it happens a lot on this show with just the basic level of common sense like we were talking the mcnamara brothers you could just add this this move this around try to give them this obstacle give them this even this well maybe not that this is my tartarus i think the red letter media is tartarus yeah yeah like the same thing over and over again right like he keeps going through the loop where he he escapes the aliens he gets caught they torture him he escapes he gets caught he just repeats there's like every episode every episode best of the worst i i keep getting you know caught forced to watch bad movies miserable night rinse and repeat i learned nothing where did the anal probes come in that's after we finished shooting oh yeah okay you told me it was mandatory i told you a plus for idea a plus i am on board with this so much jack you're full of [ __ ] i am so on board with this rich yes why don't you tell us all about vitale versace's other film born into mafia one of his other okay yeah so this is uh you know vitaly versace famously we had a spotlight episode you know last vampire on earth fantastic all-time great favorites and this is presumably one of his early movies where vitelli versace actually stars in this one i just have a dad who's too busy killing people not hug his son or love his family he's ivan the son of a mob boss he wants to go to america and not be a part of the mob so then he goes to america [Music] i hate how dummy looks like what an idiot i just don't like looking at him with his stupid pants this audition for frodo went real bad did not get part i make such a good habit i look like elijah wood but i am too tall [Laughter] and my acting is [ __ ] i guess i had to make my own movie contemplation in the backyard i'm taking a dump on the ground i made movie called the habit about none who must return rings [Laughter] what is he supposed to be contemplating yeah what is happening he goes to america he has friends that he met on the internet they let him stay at their at his house at their house and then he like his first day in the country he meets a girl they go on a date and they get engaged and then he has sex with her and has a dream where all of his friends die and he wakes up and none of his friends are dead but people who are going to murder him that were actually going to murder him in real life murder each other and then he has baby who murders who and the mob his uncle killed his father so he could take over the family business now he wants ivan dead too the uncle of the dad or the brother of the dad murders the dad this oh no [Music] this is embarrassing stupid guy so i'm in charge here now to take over the mafia the dad really got killed yes dad really got the brother really flew to l.a well first he flies to la in the dream well no he really flew to l.a no he never has a dream that's all dream that's why we see him leave the area see him leave the airport [ __ ] yes this movie is that stupid half of the movie doesn't happen 75 of the movie is fake yeah yeah i don't understand what's going on any drama or conflict or murder is all a dream since everyone seems to have understood this but me can i have some some questions please yeah um okay remember worst actor in the world yeah well no no no it's about the other worst actor in the world yes a man who should get this thing trademarked man who definitely can't read the the bald white guy who may or may not have rosacea he gets very flush in the face i think that's just him like blood rushing to his head because he's acting so hard california heat yeah that's true yeah yeah ivan's problem could become your problem real quick batali's father uh before he gets murdered by his own brother sends this guy i think his name was tom to the the us to los angeles to watch over vitaly aka ivan and he's like your father sent me to find you here keys to car hello ivan my name is tom your father called me and asked me to help you out for a few days i'm sorry i couldn't get you a card such short notice here's the keys to my car you can use it for a few days there's more than enough money to trump cover all your expenses i give you money and take care of you watch over you now we don't see him again for 40 minutes then we see him when he finds vitale's internet friends playing basketball and says look out vitaly's in trouble but that's in the dream that's in the dream that turns out to be in the dream that turns out to be in the dream hey it's that guy from the airport guys where's ivan at he's out on a date or something oh [ __ ] what's going on his uncle killed his father so he could take over the family business now he wants ivan dead too oh no he never mentioned it to you his father's the head of the russian mob [Laughter] look we ain't got time for this we need to find ivan we need to find him now he's in trouble what kind of trouble i'd that's the worst acting we've ever seen ever bar none in the show i made a promise to his father a while back i'd watch out for him that's what i'm going to do well i don't see how that involves me so you'll find it yourself yeah ivan's problem could become your problem real quick [Applause] oh no someone got shot get out keep them busy [Laughter] should we should we start at the beginning now because we got the overview yes because we're forgetting some important things we're forgetting the uh the very nice uh restaurant that the movie opens in yeah absolutely a nice gritty nightclub it's a gritty russian bar because we start in russia well it's not it's it let's try to be accurate to the movie it is not a gritty russian bar it is the fanciest restaurant in moscow because the singer who is definitely singing says i can't believe i'm singing in the fanciest restaurant in moscow i never thought in all my wildest dreams that i would be singing in one of the most expensive restaurants it's my pleasure which is actually a banquet hall that someone's going to get married there later that day batali showed up an hour before the the wedding party was supposed to get there for the reception and they shot these scenes you know it's a really fancy restaurant because they can afford those fancy microphone cables that are completely clear and i mean it's it's such a simple thing it's such a dumb thing like you know just the microphone that is very clearly unplugged but it is one of the first things you see when the movie starts i'm gonna i'm gonna give the movie the benefit of the doubt here is this an us problem because we've worked with actual microphones is joe schlub watching this movie not the movie's any good anyway but are they gonna notice that detail or is that just something that stands out like bright bold red letters to us i mean it is dead center in the frame it's almost like the camera's focusing on that more than the singer so it is kind of a problem i'm going to say 60 40. make it nice and easy i think a common person their bigger problem with the scene might be they're watching it and they say why are there no people in this bar that's the thing that would stand out on the subconscious level why is it dressed for a wedding reception it's the quintessential example of this played better in the director's mind and a general audience might not get that they'll watch and go this looks cheap yeah but in our minds we know he's interior night dingy nightclub a haze of cigarette smoke sultry sultry singer all eyes in the crowd are on her i mean i guess technically that's true because there's only one set of eyes right you picture that jazz night club in in moscow and some kind of dingy district but but when when reality hits like oh i want to film in your restaurant well not a night that's a you could film after 2 30 in the morning when we're closed well no one wants to show up then well you could come in sunday at noon and we'll be here then but a wedding party is coming in at 2. [Laughter] and don't bring too many people because all the seats are covered in those seat things in the the white wedding covering that you cover your cheap ass seats and to make it look like a wedding class and the band hasn't shown up you can go on the stage we have a microphone but we don't have a cord and then there's even like so they filmed all the ladies parts when she's singing a bunch of angles you know and then they got her out of there and then they went and filmed their their shots the father and the son talking or whoever was talking i think it was battalion the father right yeah tell me and the father they're having the conversation they're gonna have for the next 20 minutes oh god yeah well then they continue that conversation in the car but we'll talk about the next thing but i wanted to point out at that point we think we suspect that the dj for the wedding had arrived because we see red green blue kind of flashing lights that weren't there before they weren't there before so he's he's got there he set his gear up hey i gotta start testing my equipment wedding parties showing up in like 30 minutes so then we go to the library and we meet sergio oh what was his name sir james i'm tired of this mafia it's not for me so what are you gonna do how are you gonna get out of this okay i haven't seen this before and i'm into it are you crazy your father won't let you do this in a million years if he's not gonna lock me i'm just gonna run i wonder if you can experience sedona arizona from russia [Laughter] he meets his friend sergio to again talk about how he wants to go to america when they're in the american library when they're in the well you know it's like a theme library in moscow where they have all these american things like you know visit arizona arizona yeah everything's in english it's like a gimmick it's like a little fun thing i won't do it yes you are our opening scene is ivan telling his father how much he wants to go to his uh do america i don't want to be in the mob i want to go to america and his father the information we get from the father is this is the family business i only trust you to run it then we cut to the american themed library in which ivan says mafia it's not for me i really want to go to america but my father really wants me to run the business i'm moving to united states and then the plot can really kick off and we get a a really intense scene of ivan and his father in the back of a car i built up this whole business my whole life for you what are they talking about i didn't ask for because of your business mom is dead died i don't have a mom guys i hate it when people dead died well ivan takes the position that he would really like to go to america but his father is really insistent and and i think true to his character that ivan is the only one he can trust to continue running his mafia business but then but then ivan makes the point that he really really wants to go to america and he doesn't want to kill people i asked you to take care of that situation for you and you let me down i'm not like you i can't just pull the trigger and kill somebody for all for he wants to become a doctor or a lawyer a doctor or a lawyer or something that people used to you know and not kill people very specifically not life i can't just go and shoot somebody it's it's just crazy i'm you know and you know to not kill people then his father follows up with though you know it's family business i only trust you to run the business right you were groomed to take over the family business i don't have anybody else i can count on i can't count on my brother i think the important thing to recognize though is that ivan then responds with i don't want to kill people and i would really like to go to america you don't you don't need somebody like me who can't even shoot a guy then bible and god said don't kill i'm not going to kill anybody and and not being a mob why you want me to kill somebody this is crazy that's that's a fantastic counter counter counterpoint but his dad brings up an interesting point an interesting point that you know ivan this is it this is your life this is what you were born into this is what i groomed you for all these years i can't i can't deal with this you know he built up the business for a son and that he only trusts his son to run the family business you're the only one i can trust that's why i don't want to jump in because if i jump in there is no way out i want normal family i want a normal life i want to have wife children drive safe not thinking somebody's going to kill me got it ivan this is what you call a circular conversation this is what i it's like a tart tartarus all over again i need you like do you think that the driver is just up there like going please tell me you [ __ ] you the driver just thinks i'm doing multiple takes oh you're keeping this all in that was take one sick of this i don't want to do this wait we're forgetting a scene what vitali is sent to the mob shrink oh my god that's where we learned deep inner secrets about what's going on in ivan's mind about how about how he really wants to go to america doesn't want to kill people but rich the shrink being the official mob shrink takes a medical position that the father who hired the shrink really only trusts ivan to run the family business yeah that was a shocking revelation oh the godfather poster a godfather poster at the shrinks office good thank you ivan i have where i borrow your copy of heat oh come on you're a big fan of mafia movies and the shrink is also a fan of american crime movies yeah the shrink for some reason she has the like uh her office looks like the apartment of like a 20 year old dude bro like a filmmaker yeah like a film dude i think it adds to her character that she has movie posters all over her office crime movies crime movie posters about the mom she's a pro crime therapist did you notice the training day poster was signed by somebody no i wonder who that was i'm just picturing vitali going to some sort of signing probably i make movie too i make crime moves hanging out outside of lax just waiting for like uh i see martin scorsese he signed my poster vitaly martin scorsese didn't make training day ivan your father was telling me you believe in god and you're talking to god you want to tell me a little bit about it whoa drinking a full gallon of coffee now that needs to be a thing where every time they come back to her she has a bigger mug we have 30 minutes of a movie in which two pieces of information are given to us because they got us he has to stretch it to 70 minutes worth of movie and he probably all said and done has does he even have 20 minutes worth of material here no no no no well it also doesn't feel like this is a script like it it feels like it's improv like it feels like he's just some of the later scenes too even more so it feels like vitelli is just kind of like rambling oh yeah he's just saying things that he thinks that you know sound like what the character is supposed to say and it just goes on and on it's very ad libby like the scene when his internet friend brings him to his home where his mother lives oh that [ __ ] scene and then his other friend is there and she makes them tea and they all just kind of chitchat and he talks about how his father is a successful yeah important man he never says mob but he does let them know that he didn't want to be part of the family business so he came to america so how was your flight that was pretty long huh yeah it was 14 hour long is it cold out there all the time no man it's just not like in the movies i think it's always known it's the same thing like united states you know we had winter we had four seasons basically yeah what's the temperature well right now it's cold man it's i'm i think 20 degrees below but but because it's january it's something like in new york city basically where i grew up it's same thing like a new york city who killed sergey was it the dad oh that's a good question yeah his friend sergey he goes uh vitelli goes to the gym yeah and [ __ ] he's like the gym in an apartment complex it's not like a gym yeah it's like someone's garage with some equipment in it but uh his friend is hanging yeah and there's a note that says don't leave for america you belong here or something this is your home it's okay [Laughter] yeah who left that does dad do that he doesn't seem to mind i mean it's never brought up again yeah anyway so it doesn't matter nothing because nothing matters everything goes ivan's way yeah including meeting a woman first woman he meets in america he goes up to her in the mall but we don't hear it because it was very noisy at the mall that day oh and we don't even get to hear the first conversation because you're shooting in a mall and you probably just heard uh echoey mall noise right the audio is probably terrible so just don't include the audio that's how you make a movie slap some generic music over it you're done we just kind of have to imagine what they're saying what else do we have to say about the love interest he meets her at the mall he talks to her and then well i mean their relationship progresses rather quickly well they have they have an amazingly romantic time where they walk down sidewalks and drive in the car and they just fall head over heels for each other to the point where he engages he proposes to her the next day i hope this is not going to be in shock for you but would you marry me what [Laughter] all right i'm back in i don't know what to say i mean i love you too but i hardly met you i'll take that as a yes she definitely did not say yes she said i just met you i'm not sure about this all right did he buy the ring like when she wasn't looking at the mall yeah where did that come from where the [ __ ] did the ring come from also in movie speak it's a clear obvious setup for something bad to happen to her yes she gets kidnapped by the bad guy or she turns out to be the daughter of a rival yes she has a russian accent yeah yeah she's also russians they're like why don't they do something she might be french i think they say something about paris no she's from russia they say they say she's from russia okay then why don't you follow up with any of these obviously that would that would make like for like a story though i mean it's like there were like a twist where she's been hiding the fact that she was also born into mafia that's what i was waiting for they have a shared past they didn't even know about it she's she's the daughter of a different rival mafia king like it's like romeo and juliet yeah yes exactly that's what i'm saying how about this she's kidnapped and he has to decide whether he's going to lean on the mafia his old way the family he was born into or if he was going to figure out a new strategy to rescue her that didn't have anything to do with being born into mafia are you talking about choices i'm talking about a conflict in forming character decisions oh my god i spent the first 20 minutes of the movie talking about not wanting to kill people but now i might have to kill people it's almost like it writes itself and vidalia versace couldn't figure this [ __ ] out he said what about if instead of things happening nothing happens everything worked out perfect for vitaly no problem what a great story for us to watch well that's the conflict in the movie not conflict but the the drama in the movie is then after while he's off you know having his good times with his new girlfriend uh his dad's brother shows up in america kills his internet friends he'd already killed the father the brother the brother's trying to take over yeah he killed the father he's come to america and he kills vitaly's friends wait i i thought you thought you were gonna let me go oh no oh my god oh my god his head was full of ketchup oh that's embarrassing so you know where to find his jacob kid right oh we should ask who jacob is someone look in the phone book for jacob although his black friend is now someone else they couldn't get that actor back so they just shoot him from the back of the head in the most shocking and lazy uh piece of filmmaking we've ever seen they shoot him from the back of the head then he gets shot in the back of that that yes he had to get shot in the back of the head i'm not even the same character you tried to run for me i got you now jacob [Laughter] original black guy was much darker skinned yeah that's much lighter i love it but then it turns out that this entire last 30 minutes is just a dream because vitali wakes up and all of that was pointless that could excuse so much [ __ ] too what like being a dream it's a different guy oh it's a dream that's true yeah they interrogated the friend and never gave him an opportunity to answer any of the questions it's a dream keep yelling at him and he never gets to say anything so vitaly's two friends have been murdered and then uh the uncle has found the friend's house and murdered the mother oh yeah yeah and after right after he murders the mother vitaly just happens to come back to the apartment and in probably one of my favorite scenes uh uh he he notices the dead body so he says oh i gotta use the bathroom and then he just runs away he jogs away from the scene of the crime he fast walks away he's sauna like an elderly person at the mall he's just like [Applause] he outsmarted me what are you doing come back just want to talk to you with my gun i mean you could also jump over that thing yeah run faster and and then we get we get a lovely another awkward scene in which our main actress does not want to be near vitaly um she's you know wrapped in a towel and it's supposed to be this kind of like loving confession of like i was so worried i had a dream all my friends died i thought you died and she's like great i love you too don't touch me well this is this is vitale's oscar scene this is when he finds out his father dies and he stumbles over his lines and it's just in the movie hello what she's so annoyed with the towel what happened somebody called me from moscow one of my uncles and said that my dad got shot two days ago right what do you say so someone just called me from moscow they say my dad died he got shot or something two days ago he died i got the news that my father died i felt like my dream became alive [Music] what's happening he's dead and he's so bored he sounds bored all of his dialogue he sounds bored he's making the movie this is supposed to be a passion project of his he's like i just found out my dad died it was killed i don't know i think what he needs to make is sequel to born into mafia because we're nothing we have we have ivan and he's you know he was born into mafia and we talked about his girlfriend how she might also be born into mafia they had a kid together we can make a sequel born in two mafia about the child they they raised their son to be you know an american and he's 12 13 14 years old by now and then he discovers through the internet their parents his parents passed that they both were into mafia okay okay he wants to be born into mafia oh he wants to be in the mafia okay okay flies back to moscow on his own he doesn't know anything about russian culture or the mafia yeah and and get some fish out of water stuff yes and he eventually he becomes his own little mob boss and vitali and his wife have to stop him [Music] he like starts gathering up homeless people to try and make his own little gang a part of the versace clan like super old lobster because everyone's dead at that point right no really it's it's the story about how um vitaly versace was born into wealth and is doing just fine yeah like that's the personal story he told it's like oh yeah my dad gave me a bunch of money i'm fine yeah it's drug it's blood money but i did not make it who cares i'm doing all right everything seemed to work out for vitaly and that's the thing with all three films is is we're just we're just salivating over ways to fix them and they are what they are and that that is that is where we're at and picking the best of the worst and this is this is [ __ ] difficult oh i'm so excited for this part yeah well you go first then jack guys it's tartarus it's so tartarus tartarus is the best of the worst because you can tell that david waskovic really put his heart into it it had the most weird props it had the thing that was the vacuum that sucked that guy's dick and then there was blood coming out of his dick he gets his hand chopped off at one point we didn't mention that oh you got it on his alien road and then the little stump remember when they ran over the guy in the wheelchair that was hilarious okay uh jay i'm also gonna go with tartarus yes it's the most ambitious and i mean these two they're barely trying and tartarus it's like there's absolutely no story there's a concept but it's just like weird visuals after weird visuals bad effects uh a terrible story no character growth it's got it all and nothing at the same time it sounds like all three of these films rich i'm going to agree with you even though it is not a [ __ ] a plus idea it is c minus idea at best i would agree with that it is the most entertaining thing we watch tonight into born into mafia i i love the i love the behind the head actor change i adore that but it's anemic it's an anemic experience and the mcnamara brothers are boring so i'm giving it to tartarus see i'm not i don't want to be i'm not doing the contrarian on purpose thing but i i picked born into mafia no that's fine you know what i think all of these movies are okay none of the i don't hate any of these yeah sure i i think i had more fun watching this and the rules are always what's there are no rules it's whatever you personally choose i i get the the badness of this the attempt the all the weird things going on in it and to me it wasn't as much fun to watch as it was to watch the just the sheer inept failure of trying to make a movie there's like a non-charisma of fatality in his performance yeah that goes a long way he sounds like tommy why so he's stumbling through his lines yeah there's the awkward camera all those like those wonderful little like we're trying to make a movie but we have seven dollars in a camcorder and we're you know i i just think that's hilarious sometimes especially when you deal with a big subject like the mob it just makes it hilarious and it was it was fun funner to watch it's close it's close well i guess we realize now in hindsight that twin dragon encounter is better than dragon hunt and we destroyed twin dragon encounter we're not going to destroy dragon hunt so it feels uh irresponsible to have destroyed twin dragon encounters something we wish we could take back and you know colin in canada he has the two halves of the tape so maybe he can help us with that i don't know maybe cullen we just watched dragon hunt we need your help i currently possess two halves of the only existing copy of twin dragon encounter in the world somewhere in toronto i keep the halves preserved in a tank filled with human amniotic fluid just waiting on the day to be called to reassemble the tape and believe me it's no easy process i remove a few drops of the world's most expensive maple syrup canada's own bucket drop syrup squeeze from maple trees in the nether regions of saskatoon an area so remote few men dare to travel there a mystical place filled with trees rumored to have magical properties this small bottle costs 15 000 canada dollars and is filled with syrup so thick dark and exotic justin trudeau himself used it as blackface makeup it is also rumored that keith richards once poured an entire bottle up his nose nothing happened though i used just one drop of the syrup injecting it into the tank of amniotic fluid this magical concoction initiates a process called retapification where old trashy embarrassing cinema once destroyed by a rusty tree saw can come alive again to be enjoyed by a new generation of film fans see this amazing and elusive process happen right before your eyes [Music] i must now mail the tape back to the united states where the rlm gang can enjoy this film they all regret destroying so long ago [Music] ew what the [ __ ] is [Music] my this you

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 1,622,163

Keywords: redlettermedia, red letter media, red, letter, media, plinkett, half in the bag, mike stoklasa, jay bauman, rich evans

Id: -40wXsVTcjc

Length: 100min 24sec (6024 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 15 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Havoksixteen]

Born Into Mafia! Holy shit it's about time

[u/count_frightenstein]

Ok, so I'm of age and lived in the area of Toronto where the Twin Dragons had their dojo so I came across a lot of their little cultists "badasses". They would always take every opportunity to remind people, whether it was appropriate or not, that they were trained by the great Twin Dragons. There was many a "who could kick whose ass" in the playground with their cultists believing the Twin Dragons were always the baddest of the bad. So glad others are seeing this. It was hilarious when I was 12 and it's still funny.

[u/bluMarmalade]

i love that Jack is back. He brings up the energy. the McNamara brothers are not gay

[u/thehindujesus]

This is the All-Star BOTW panel imo

[u/atropos77]

Vitaliy Versace makes Dave Wascally Wascavage look like Stanley Kubrick. Holy fuck he cannot make one shot look decent.

[u/AvalancheMKII]

I absolutely give Versace credit for staying behind the camera for Last Vampire on Earth, his performance in Born Into Mafia is genuinely shocking even for BOTW standards.

[u/Sakytwd]

1 hr 40 minutes?! Oh boy, we're fast approaching the day we get a 2-hour BoTW video!

[u/ruttinator]

I laughed so hard at Colin's ending that I saw little floating lights. Or I had a stroke.

[u/Jay_Roskell]

100 minutes. Completely insane edit.