Best Comebacks Ever

what is the best comeback you ever said or heard this might be a little late but anyways this actually happened last week at a family christmas party so i got a gift card from my uncle to shoppers it was ten dollars worth he starts laughing like a madman saying loudly how many condoms can you buy with that and i quickly responded with enough to last you a lifetime my family starts bursting out laughing and my uncle was laughing even harder a guy i knew was using a dirty pickup line on this really hot girl and her father overheard and told him to move on my friend quickly said sorry dude but your daughter is freaking hot the girl's dad replied well bring your mom over and i'll make you one just like her in a fight over the use of a do-it-yourself car wash booth punk kid to my grandad freak you old man you're not my dad granddad well i don't know let me see a picture of your mom same thing happened with my grandpa take into consideration my grandpa had just moved to this apartment from armenia so he was old-fashioned and the kid was armenian it went like this grandpa stop making noise kid you can't tell me what to do this is america grandpa slap i was once in a hotel elevator headed down to the lobby i took out my phone to get directions to the bar where i was meeting my friends a woman in the elevator who was part of a group of people i don't know snared at my phone and said a guy hate technology to which i replied then why aren't you taking the stairs her friends erupted in laughter and she was completely destroyed i pulled out my phone after stepping into the elevator ugh i hate how people just pull out their cell phones to avoid awkward situations in elevators quip some uppity girl who is clearly addressing me as we're the only two in the elevator well it's a lot better than talking to the buttholes here it was a quiet ride after that my proudest moment in comebacks me and my friend were in a movie theater bathroom taking a pee he always likes to try and make me feel uncomfortable in public places so he says what's wrong with your dong man it has a red ring around it you should get it checked out without missing a beat i go yeah it's your mother's lipstick dumb struck silence from my friend while the man next to us is shaking with laughter as we leave the bathroom we walk past the guy and he's telling his friends what i had said it was very rewarding my father a vietnam veteran marine in an armed robbery get on the floor no it's dirty i have a gun son i've been shot before it doesn't hurt that bad slightly baffled the gunman continued the robbery ignoring my father i can just imagine the robber continuing with the crime occasionally throwing a wtf look over his shoulder at your dad this guy i know was walking down the street wearing bright pink shorts as he walks by a homeless guy the homeless guy says nice shorts f without skipping a beat the guy i know says nice house and keeps walking so cruel but one of the quickest and sharpest comebacks i can think of i was late for class and my lecturer tried to embarrass me by saying nice of you to join us we were just defining female sexual pleasure and then i said so was i i've never felt so dapper my brother was a bit poorly in the sixth grade a popular girl was teasing him about his weight ha ha look he has boobs she said jealous he retorted stunned silence brother walks away into sunset like a victorious samurai that last sentence got me when i was younger my mother would take me grocery shopping weekly and there was this cart guy who was slightly mentally handicapped and my mother would always stop to talk to him for a bit one day after going this a woman approached us and said oh i guess today is when they let all the retards out very calmly my mother responded it's so nice that they let you all out once in a while it was awesome when i was a teenager my brother was being a dong at the dinner table about how i could hear him and his girlfriend banging every night so i retorted i take comfort in the fact it only lasts 30 seconds it was magical i was at a local sandwich shop on my lunch break one day and while i was eating a man in his twenties came up to me a male and said hello i kindly responded back with a hello to which he said you look really sharp i was wearing slacks a dress shirt and tie i thanked him for the compliment but he wasn't done he said i don't normally do this but i figured i might as well give it a shot would you like to ever go out to dinner with me sometime me being the heterosexual male i am just said thank you for the compliment but no thank you he said okay and walked out leaving me to finish my sandwich one thing about this sandwich shop is it's right next to a high school so high schoolers frequent it at lunch time and this day was no different as i finish my sandwich i proceed to walk out next to the exit is a group of three guys from the local school and as i pass one of them looks up at me snickers and says f now how do you react to a 15 year old punk calling uf you certainly can't lecture them because it will just go in one ear and out another you can't yell at them because it makes you look their age what should i do without even thinking i turned around looked at his sandwich grabbed it and took a huge bite i chewed it slowly put it back on his plate and walked away not saying a word his face was priceless just a blank stare at his plate with a gaping mouth all his two friends could muster out through their wheezing laughs were oshie the kid never said a word i never turned around just walked back to my car and left don't know if it's true but definitely worth posting arthur wellesley first duke of wellington 1769 to 1852 undefeated general most notably victor of waterloo once when a hostess at the congress of vienna apologized when a group of french officers turned their backs on him he replied i have seen their backs before madam girl one i can drink a lot i'm french canadian girl too i'm irish i can drink more than you girl one yeah but i can stop only come back i'd ever had the pleasure of making myself was at a walgreens i was behind somebody in line who was generally trying to make the cashies job a living nightmare berating the girl insisting she'd been given the incorrect amount of change etc the poor girl behind the counter was just trying to be nice and get through a single bad customer after she said something about the worst help i've ever had i just replied hey give the lady a break not overtly hostile but she hardly turned to me and sneered why don't you mind your own business with all the quick thinking i could muster i just responded lady i'm a veterinarian b are my business the few amassed customers and the cashier looked like they were gonna lose it the lady gave me a glare that could chill bones but she decided to just ignore me for the rest of her transaction but she hightailed it out of that freaking walgreens in hindsight i'm pretty lucky she didn't escalate the conflict as a cashier i wish more veterinarians passed through my lane colon i hope this doesn't get buried my brother is two years older than me when i was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior we played on the varsity soccer team together he was easily the best player in the league hands down every team game planned around stopping him and they still couldn't he was easily going to be mvp of the league the best part is he never ran his mouth he never talked trash we're in a tight game and there's this huge butthole who plays for one of our rivals and he's talking crap to my brother the whole time the kid gets called for fouling my brother and we get a free kick as the kids tracking back on defense he says taylor you freaking suck you don't deserve mvp you piece of crap my brother just looks at him and has the coolest reply in the world in his calmest voice he says no what's funny you know who i am and i have no idea who you are my brother proceeded to score from the free kick eight is cookers you're the worst pirate i've ever heard of ah but you've heard of me i had a math teacher in high school who was well known for his outstanding ability to compute fairly complex calculations in his head he rarely made errors when he did he usually caught it before the rest of the class did one day he didn't and this girl pipes up in the back of the class and tells him he made an error naturally he checks his work and she is correct he thanks her and tries to move on with the lesson for the next minute the girl said some of the most hurtful things i imagine a teacher could hear i don't remember the details but i remember her last sentence was i can't believe you made such a huge mistake he took a moment thought about what she said turned his back to her and said now your parents and i have something in common she got up quietly and dropped the class that day just gold philip of macedonia father of alexander sent a message to sparta you are advised to submit without further delay for if i bring my army into your land i will destroy your farms slay your people and raise your city the spartan reply if philip and alexander avoided sparta entirely philip ii is one of the most underrated dudes in history he set everything up for alexander's conquests my own towering achievement drunk at a dinner party my sister and i were drawing mustaches on each other with a burnt cork a rather fat man walked by and said something snippy about the mustaches so i said if you can have tea i can have a moustache his wife still hates me some fat girl at school came up to me and said you remind of this [ __ ] kid on my bus then i said you remind me of my bus busted in my high school years i was a pretty good kid but my parents always were accusing me of doing ridiculous things one time they thought i was stealing my mom's birth control and giving it to my girlfriend they woke me up 10 minutes before my alarm went off to interrogate me here is how it went down in my half sleeping stupor mom good morning we need to talk to you me i don't even have to get up yet mom dad and i have noticed my birth control keeps disappearing me gross mom mom have you been taking my birth control me yes i have mom i've been taking it for two months but she still got pregnant my mom gave me a look that was one part angry two parts concerned and a final part that was funny but i better not laugh they dropped it and never brought it up again now i'm really curious about where the birth control really went and your dad is my number one suspect dorothy parker mr coolidge i've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you calvin coolidge you lose don't look at me in that tone of voice dorothy parker oh man i have a good one it was in my us history class in high school there were those students who were always noisy and obnoxious they'd also pick on the teacher he was a light-hearted 60-something old man with neat white hair he had a great sense of humor so he never gave it much thought one day one of loud dudes was like hey mr morgan you know you look exactly like colonel sanders to which he quickly responded is that why your mom says i'm so finger looking good my dad who's a teacher was asked by a student sir i think i saw you coming out of a brothel last night to which he replied well i have to see your mum sometime she never comes to parents evening during a dispute with some neighbors mrs neighbor says to me you'll have to take that up with mr neighbor he's the head of my household oddly enough i had the presence of mind to answer your household doesn't have a head it just has two buttholes on an nyc subway car my grandma's friend was sitting with her and as they were talking her friend absent-mindedly started staring at a young group of men trying to be tough one of them called over to her saying hey old woman what the heck are you looking at and without missing a beachy replied i'm not sure but when i figure it out i'll let you know the rare grandma burn while walking to a halloween party dressed as tigger as guy across the street yells hey tigger suck my dong no thanks i prefer a full mouthful his friends laughed at him and he blusters frick you with your small dong no thanks again his friends laughed at him again he shut up was out one time with a very good friend of mine some friends and their friends anyway i just happened that these two very nice looking girls were left with me and my mate while rest of the others were getting drinks or food we all just did the usual small talk and then it died off those hot girls were really not interested in us regular looking blokes so after about five minutes of uncomfortable silence and ho humming one of the girls looking around says out loud to the other girl making sure we hear it as well i wonder where all the good looking guys are at i instantly thought you lost gumby as if that was not directed at us and my mate who had some self-esteem issues as it was just started to hang his head slowly and slouch without missing a beat i retorted they are all probably with all the good looking girls my mate wore the widest grin i had ever seen and i obviously had a smirk on my face i could not hide so the two hot girls made hump sound and excuse themselves never to be seen again i don't get offended at the things that come out of your mouth they're not nearly as bad as the things that go into it bro you did not just insult my mother's cooking this won't even get seen but i was playing halo a couple of years back and there was a young boy playing amongst a group of adults by the sound of his voice i'd put him at about eight ish he was doing nothing wrong relatively quiet and not obnoxious when he actually spoke naturally there was some ashat adult who was riding him for a good 10 minutes about him being a kid how much he sucked on and on finally he asked the kid who had obviously had enough yo how old are you squirt have your balls even dropped yeah and your mom was there to catch them my godfather was visiting our family and he noticed the little strands of silver hair in my ten or six-year-old brother and he said to my little brother that gray hair means a part of your brain is leaking my brother sensed the opportunity and said to the very white-haired man can't be good for you i know it's nowhere near as good as some others here but considering he was relatively young he's 13 now how quick he spat it back was what made it great i'm proud of this moment in time was a senior in high school enjoying free time at some area-wide meeting deco i think when i walk by a group of kids from another school out of the blue some guy in the group calls over to me guy tossing a nickel in front of me hey dude give that to your mom for me me huh guy don't worry about it just tell her it was for last night a few chuckles from his group i reply with an o of recognition smile and pick up the nickel i then reach into my pocket pull out two pennies and toss them at his feet me there you go guy sarcastically oh is this for my mom me nah that's your change my mom charges by the inch there's no way this happened still upvote not too late to the party am i overheard the bullying of a kid by someone probably a grade or two ahead of him standard homosexual bullying bulls the poor kid is trying to shake it all off and be left alone and the bully was just going on and on kid come on man leave me alone bully no way what are you gonna do about it you little f i think in a stroke of bravery and wit the kid stares the bully right in the eyes straight faced and says kid don't freaking test me i will suck your dong right off the bully was so awestruck he just shook his head and walked away what do you even say to that kind of thing my boss was showing a co-worker some programming related thing on the computer and apparently he did it quite fast because my co-worker said wow that was quick to which he responded with an arrogant smirk yes i'm the quickest of them all hearing this i simply asked is that why you're single rest of the co-workers exploded in laughter and my boss looked at me with a strange face that looked like screw you but well played these two ladies are going back and forth jokingly when the question of possibly fighting comes up lady a replies you're not worth the skin off my knuckles and without missing a beat lady b replies stop dragging them across the floor and maybe you'll have some left that sounds like a line straight out of the insult sword fighting in the secret of monkey island blue collar comedy some lady yells to larry the cable guy from the balcony i love you larry and he looks up in her direction and goes i told you to wait in the truck aliens hudson male and vasquez a somewhat butch female are both members of the rescue team that is the focus of the movie hudson mockingly hey vasquez have you ever been mistaken for a man vasquez number have you game over man game over heard this from my brother who witnessed this after a night out a couple of years ago on typical saturday night a drunk guy was standing in a long taxi line talking trash and generally being a total douche to everyone around him to impress his lady friend for the evening the people in line tried to ignore him for good amount of time but eventually they were pretty fed up with this ginger-faced [ __ ] the douchebag eventually started talking to a bald guy in front him saying something like i see you weren't the first guy in line when they handed out hair to which the bald guy perfectly answered you're quite right about that but when i finally reached the end of the line they only had ginger hair left so i didn't even bother laughter then proceeded and the douchebag kept his mouth shut this is why as a ginger i keep my mouth freaking shut too much ammo to use against me in a hair argument i'll be buried but it's a good one and maybe one person will read it a guy from my building is sort of special and he talks to himself a lot but not much to other people one day a co-worker of mine asked talking you yourself again kenny hahaha stupid laughing without skipping a beat kenny replied better than talking to you mark and just kept walking down the hallway with no other response this one's perfect totally unexpected and subtle i could see this being in a movie i am a cashier a safe way one time i was helping a lady who did not speak english well at all she had a very convoluted transaction food stamps expired coupons non-food items and she didn't understand a whole lot of it and had plenty of questions the entire transaction probably took five ten minutes and when it was finally the next person's turn he was obviously disgruntled he said this country would be so much better without the foreigners to which i replied i bet that's what the native americans said he turned bright red and was silent the rest of the transaction he turned bright red he was trying to save face by convincing you that he was a native american saw the jimmy carr show he told the following story when i was first starting off in comedy i was doing a late night gig which wasn't going great and this guy pipes up with my mum died of cancer i replied with well i'm sorry about that but we were not talking about mums or cancer he shouted back yeah well that was funnier than this demi lovato well some people work very hard for their dreams but it's just not cut out for them x factor contestant that's why you use auto tune and i don't shoot him agavin you're in big trouble though pal i eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast happy gilma you eat pieces of crap for breakfast no not sure if this counts as a comeback but given the context it was pretty epic my old secondary school in belfast was essentially run by catholic priests most of the teachers were regular people and my a biology teacher was a staunch homosexual atheist but there were still priests everywhere mostly teaching things like english religion and music one day our regular music teacher doesn't show up for class our music rooms were filled with all sorts of equipment keyboards drums etc so we couldn't be left alone one of the priests was watching us and as we didn't have much to do was mostly chatting with us now there was one kid there called daniel who was a bit of a tea anyway that was busy chewing some gum the priest ordered him to remove it immediately against the school rules daniel obliged by pulling it out of his mouth then sticking it under the desk i guess as an act of defiance before licking his fingers the priest in question marched over to the desk leaned down and said something i never expected a catholic priest to say finger-licking good just like your sister at burger king voice and kitchen where dat ashy cashier cashier n i ain't ashy you ashy voice b you mount vesuvius oh no he died benson your brain is so small it could fit in the belly button of a barbie doll with room left over for three races and a list of your greatest accomplishments if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video bye for now

Channel: On Tap Studios

Views: 19,419

Rating: 4.9432988 out of 5

Keywords: best comebacks, best comebacks ever, best comebacks in sports, best comeback in history, comebacks, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap, reddit stories 2021

Id: AGR0K66nFtY

Length: 23min 28sec (1408 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 02 2021