LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
HAVE A SEAT. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS, WITH OUR COUNTRY MORE
DIVIDED MORE THAN EVER, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THE
ONE THING THAT UNITES US ALL, THE CREDO WE LIVE BY: GIMME MORE
STUFF. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT NOW, THAT GIMME-GIMME LIFESTYLE IS THREATENED, BECAUSE
AMERICA IS FACING AN UNPRECEDENTED SUPPLY CHAIN
CRISIS, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEW SEGMENT:
"CARGO UNCHAINED." >> WE'RE IN DEEP SHIP! >> Stephen: BECAUSE OF COVID
LOCKDOWNS AND LABOR SHORTAGES, AND A LACK OF SHIPPING
CONTAINERS, EVERYTHING YOU WANT IS EITHER NOT MADE YET, STUCK ON
A BOAT, OR WAITING FOR A TRUCKER WHO CAN'T DRIVE BECAUSE THE
GATORADE BOTTLE HE NEEDS TO PEE IN IS STUCK ON A BOAT OR HASN'T
BEEN MADE YET. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> AND NOW-- THIS IS TRUE. NOW, GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAIN
PROBLEMS ARE LEADING TO EMPTY SHELVES AT GROCERY STORES. IT'S SO BAD THAT WHOLE FOODS HAS
HAD TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO "PART FOODS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> OVERON THE-- OVER ON THE FROZEN
FOOD AISLE, THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF FISH STICKS, FROZEN MEALS
AND MARIE CALLENDER'S POT PIES. IT'S A HUGE BLOW TO DIVORCED
DADS: "ALL RIGHT, KIDS, WHAT ELSE CAN
DAD MAKE? WHAT CAN I WHIP UP WITH MILLER
LITE, AND A TUB OF CORN STARCH. WHO'S READY FOR LUMPY BEER
PANCAKES?" IT'S NOT JUST FOOD. IT'S ALSO DRINK, BECAUSE A
GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF CO2 IS HAVING AN EFFECT ON THE SUPPLY OF
CARBONATED DRINKS. SO GET READY FOR THIS SEASON'S
HOT NEW BEVERAGE: COKE FLAT: NONE OF THE FIZZ, ALL OF THE
BROWN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THERE'S ALSO-- DO THEY SPONSOR,
COKE FLAT? STILL GOOD. STILL-- STILL--
THERE'S ALSO LIMITED AVAILABILITY OF SOUR PATCH KIDS,
SWEDISH FISH, AND TOBLERONE. NO, NOT TOBLERONE! WHAT AM I GOING TO BUY AT THE
DUTY-FREE SHOP TO GO WITH MY GALLON OF BOMBAY SAPPHIRE AND
BUCKET OF PACO RABBEN. AND BRACE YOURSELVES, BECAUSE
AMERICA IS RUNNING LOW ON BEN & JERRY'S. I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL
SCREAM: WHERE THE ( BLEEP ) ICE CREAM? THIS IS NOT A JOKE. JUST, EVERYONE, CALM DOWN! DON'T PANIC! IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. BEN AND JERRY, OUR TWO ICE
CREAM ZADDIES, HAVE PROMISED THE COMPANY WILL FOCUS ON
PRODUCING ITS MOST POPULAR FLAVORS, WHICH, ACCORDING TO
THEIR WEBSITE, INCLUDE PHISH FOOD, CHERRY GARCIA,
HALF BAKED AND, AMERICONE DREAM, BABY. BOOM! THAT'S RIGHT! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING
AT? IT'S TRUE. TAKE THAT, I'M POPULAR! EVERYONE I KNEW IN MIDDLE
SCHOOL! BUT YOU MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE IF
YOU PREFER ONE OF BEN & JERRY'S LESS POPULAR FLAVORS LIKE
CHUNKS OF REAL MONKEY, CHERRY ORBACH, AND
INATTENTIVE HUBBY. WE'RE ALSO FACING A WINE
SHORTAGE. NO! NO! FROZEN FOODS, FINE. CANDY, WHO NEEDS IT. BUT A WINE SHORTAGE? ME AD MY BOOK CLUB ARE BUYING
ZIP TIES AND STORMING THE CAPITOL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ONE REASON-- WHO'S WITH ME? <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YOU DON'T SEEM ENTIRELY WITH ME ON THAT ONE. ONE REASON IS THERE'S NO PLACE
TO PUT THE WINE WE DO HAVE IS BECAUSE OF A GLASS BOTTLE
CRUNCH. INCIDENTALLY, "GLASS BOTTLE
CRUNCH" IS ALSO ONE OF BEN & JERRY'S LEAST POPULAR FLAVORS. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
IN VACCINE NEWS, TODAY WE LEARNED THAT THE F.D.A. PLANS
TO ALLOW A MIX-AND-MATCH APPROACH FOR COVID BOOSTER
SHOTS. YES, MIXING DIFFERENT KINDS OF
PROTECTION IS SMART. THAT'S WHY WHEN I GO OUT IN THE
SUN, I WEAR A BIG FLOPPY HAT, SUNSCREEN, AND A CONDOM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL. CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL. THE GOVERNMENT IS CAREFUL TO SAY
THEY WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ONE SHOT OVER ANOTHER. THEY'RE LIKE PARENTS TALKING TO
THEIR KIDS ABOUT COLLEGE: "HEY, PICK WHATEVER MAJOR MAKES YOU
HAPPY, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT POETRY OR JOHNSON & JOHNSON." AND DESPITE-- AND DID SPITE--
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THIS TIE. DESPITE ALL THE BENEFITS OF
VACCINATION, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE STILL REFUSING TO GET THE SHOT,
LIKE WASHINGTON STATE FOOTBALL COACH AND MAN WHO EITHER HAS A
VERY LARGE HEAD OR A VERY TINY FACE, NICK ROLOVICH. WASHINGTON STATE RECENTLY
INSTITUTED A VACCINE MANDATE FOR MOST STATE EMPLOYEES, BUT
DESPITE THAT, ROLOVICH SAID HE WOULDN'T GET VACCINATED, SO
WASHINGTON STATE FIRED HIM. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
AND BECAUSE IT'S SPORTS, THEY FIRED HIM OUT OF A TEE SHIRT
CANNON. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THERE'S ALSO VAX TROUBLE FOR HOCKEY PLAYER FOR THE SAN JOSE
SHARKS, EVANDER KANE, SEEN HERE SKATING INTO THE CORNER OF A
COFFEE TABLE. YESTERDAY, THE NATIONAL HOCKEY
LEAGUE SUSPENDED KANE AFTER AN INVESTIGATION FOUND THAT HE
SUBMITTED A FORGED VACCINATION CARD. ( BOOING )
HOW DARE HE THREATEN THE LIVES OF MEN WHO USE GIANT STICKS TO
SLAM EACH AT HIGH SPEEDS INTO WALLS WITH BLADES STRAPPED TO
THEIR FEET. THIS AIN'T A SLAP SHOT ON THE
WRIST. THE LEAGUE SUSPENDED EVANDER FOR
21 GAMES. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
OKAY, HE'S OUT. HE CAN'T-- HE CAN'T-- HE'S GONE. 21 GAMES. BUT KEEP IN MIND, HE'S A SHARK. IF HE STOPS MOVING, HE'LL DIE... IS ALL I KNOW ABOUT HOCKEY. HERE'S THE MOST SURPRISING PART
THOUGH: THE N.H.L. DOES NOT HAVE A VACCINE MANDATE. WHAT? THEN WHY SUBMIT THE FORGED CARD? "LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON'T REQUIRE
A DRUG TEST, BUT HERE'S A CUP OF MY COUSIN'S URINE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OKAY. ANTI-VAXXERS MIGHT EVEN AFFECT
HOLIDAY TRAVEL, BECAUSE THE DEADLINE FOR BIDEN'S FEDERAL
VACCINE MANDATE IS ONE MONTH AWAY, AND SO FAR, ONLY ABOUT 60%
OF THE T.S.A.'s WORKFORCE HAS BEEN VACCINATED. WHY DOESN'T THE T.S.A> WANT TO
GET VACCINATED? THEY'VE GOT MORE EXPOSURES THAN
ANYONE-- ESPECIALLY TO WHATEVER YOU CAN CATCH FROM PATTING DOWN
AMERICA'S AMPLE FRONT BUTTS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> IF MORE T.S.A. WORKERS DON'T GET
THEIR SHOTS, HOLIDAYS AT THE AIRPORT WILL BE GUMMED UP WITH
SHORT STAFFING AND LONGER LINES. SO PASSENGERS MAY HAVE TO WAIT
HOURS BEFORE BOARDING THE PLANE BEFORE BITING A FLIGHT
ATTENDANT. IF THE T.S.A. CAN'T FIND ENOUGH
WORKERS, THEY'RE CONSIDERING K9 TEAMS FOR STAFFING AND
SECURITY. THAT'S RIGHT-- SECURITY DOGS! FIRST, YOU PAT ME, THEN I PAT
YOU. SORRY, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY, AGENT, PLEASE STEP
OUT OF LINE, YOU'VE BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED
FOR A TUMMY RUB. WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHO'S A
GOOD BOY. PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO GET THE
SHOT IN PART BECAUSE ON THE INTERNET, COVID CONSPIRACIES
ARE STILL HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. AND WE'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S "DISINFORMATION STATION." >> I WAS MADE IN A LAB BY
TIMOTHEE CHALAMET! >> Stephen: I BELIEVE IT. THROUGHOUT THE PAST SIX MONTHS,
WE'VE BEEN RACING TO GET KIDS VACCINATED SO THEY CAN BE SAFE
IN SCHOOL. BUT ONE PRIVATE SCHOOL IN
FLORIDA IS DOING IT BACKWARDS, SAYING THAT VACCINATED STUDENTS
MUST STAY HOME FOR 30 DAYS TO PROTECT OTHERS. THAT'S RIGHT. THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE
DANGERS OF VACCINATED KIDS, WHILE LEAVING THE KIDS WITHOUT
SHOTS IN SCHOOL. HOW DO THEY DO FIRE SAFETY? "KIDS, IF YOU CATCH FIRE,
REMEMBER THE THREE STEPS: RUN, FLAME, AND HUG." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE SCHOOL'S NEW POLICY--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. THE SCHOOL'S NEW POLICY IS BASED
ON THE POPULAR AND STUPID COVID CONSPIRACY CALLED "SHEDDING,"
WHERE VACCINATED PEOPLE SUPPOSEDLY WALK AROUND CROP
DUSTING POISON, OR SOME MADE-UP THING. WHICH IS WHY THE SCHOOL'S
ANNOUNCEMENT EMAIL REPEATED FALSE CLAIMS THAT VACCINATED
PEOPLE COULD PASS ON SO-CALLED HARMFUL EFFECTS OF THE SHOT. YEAH, HARMFUL EFFECTS. THAT'S WHY I DON'T WEAR HELMETS:
HOW DARE YOU CONFINE MY BRAIN TO MY SKULL! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE SCHOOL'S LEADERSHIP DOUBLED DOWN ON NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY
WERE TALKING ABOUT, SAYING, "THE SCHOOL IS NOT OPINING AS TO
WHETHER UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA HAVE A BASIS IN FACT. HOWEVER, WE PREFER TO ERR ON THE
SIDE OF CAUTION." YES, FACTS HAVE NO PLACE IN
SCHOOL! SO, KIDS, GET READY FOR SEX ED
101: HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON THE STORK BEFORE IT DELIVERS YOUR
BABY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE NICK OFFERMAN AND
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" JOIN US. YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT.
You showed a Jets player for Kane. The Sharks have a shark logo on their jersey and wear teal.