WELCOME! WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW"! I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LAST NIGHT WAS THE OSCARS. HOW DID YOU DO IN YOUR OSCAR
POOL, JON? >> Jon: I DIDN'T WIN MY OSCAR
POOL. >> Stephen: I THINK I WON
MINE. WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE VOTES IN
YET. I THINK I WON. I TELL YOU HOW I CLINCHED IT. I CLINCHED IT,
THANKS TO "FORD VERSUS FERRARI" FOR SOUND EDITING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DADDY -- BOOM! >> Jon: YEAH, SEE? >> Stephen: DADDY KNOWS HIS
DAD MOVIES. ( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS AN HISTORIC NIGHT. BONG JOON HO'S "PARASITE" BECAME
THE FIRST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM EVER TO WIN BEST PICTURE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNLESS YOU COUNT 2018'S "THE SHAPE OF WATER," WHICH WAS
FILMED IN THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF FISH SEX. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) NEVER ACTUALLY SAW IT. I DON'T KNOW. ( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER BIG WINNER WAS TAIKA WAITITI, WHO BECAME THE FIRST
PERSON OF INDIGENOUS DESCENT TO WIN AN OSCAR FOR WRITING. HE USED HIS PLATFORM TO
HIGHLIGHT AN ISSUE THAT AFFECTS US ALL:
>> APPLE NEEDS TO FIX THOSE KEYBOARDS. THEY ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO WRITE
ON. THEY'VE GOTTEN WORSE. IT MAKES ME WANT TO GO BACK TO
P.C.'S. >> Stephen: YES, THAT'S RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S RIGHT. APPLE KEYBOARDS HAVE GONE
DOWNHILL. HERE'S HOW BAD TAIKA WAITITI'S
KEYBOARD IS: WHEN HE STARTED HIS CAREER, HIS NAME WAS TONY
WILSON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I DON'T WANT IT NO MORE! GIVE ME ANOTHER KEYBOARD, SON! >> Stephen: THE MES MEMORABLE
SPEECH WAS FROM BEST ACTOR WINNER AND NOTED
VEGAN JOAQUIN PHOENIX, WHO SAID THIS ABOUT
WORKING IN MOVIES: >> I THINK THE GREATEST GIFT
THAT IT HAS GIVEN ME, AND MANY OF US IN THIS ROOM, IS THE
OPPORTUNITY TO USE OUR VOICE FOR THE VOICELESS. WHETHER WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
GENDER INEQUALITY OR RACISM OR QUEER RIGHTS OR INDIGENOUS
RIGHTS OR ANIMAL RIGHTS. >> STEPHEN: WELL SAID. ANYTHING ELSE? >> WE FEEL ENTITLED TO
ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE A COW. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, JOAQUIN, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE, BUT I NEVER
WENT TO ANY OF HARVEY'S PARTIES AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) OKAY? THAT'S NOT MY SCENE. >> Jon: WOW. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. THE PERSON WHO STOLE THE SHOW
WAS 18-YEAR-OLD GRAMMY-WINNER, BILLIE EILISH. THE CAMERA KEPT CUTTING TO HER
IN THE AUDIENCE FOR REACTION SHOTS TO WHATEVER THE OLDER
PEOPLE WERE DOING. LIKE HER REACTION TO A COMEDY
BIT FROM KRISTEN WIIG AND MAYA RUDOLPH:
♪ LADY IN RED ♪ >> Stephen: WOW! OW! OW! >> Jon: THAT'S COLD. >> STEPHEN: COME ON, BILLIE! THEY'RE COMEDY GIANTS! IF A COOL 18-YEAR-OLD DOESN'T
KNOW WHO MAYA RUDOLPH AND KRISTEN WIIG ARE, THEN-- OH. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I'M ON TV EVERY NIGHT. SURELY BILLIE EILISH KNOWS WHO I
AM. RIGHT, BILLIE? ( LAUGHTER )
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN COME TO MY SHOW, THEN? WHY STAND IN LINE? WHY STAND IN LINE TO COME TO MY
SHOW IF YOU CAN'T -- I DON'T -- MAKES NO SENSE. ANYWAY, I'M A FAN. I'M A FAN. >> STEPHEN: THE OSCARS WEREN'T
THE ONLY BIG RESULTS ANNOUNCED OVER THE WEEKEND. WE FINALLY HAVE THE RESULTS OF
THE IOWA CAUCUS... KINDA. THEY SAY THE WINNER WAS FORMER
SOUTH BEND MAYOR PETE BUTTIGEIG, BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME
IRREGULARITIES BEING WORKED OUT. SO IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY
CHAIRMAN TROY PRICE CALLED A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REASSURE
EVERYBODY THAT THEY'VE GOT THIS. >> IF THERE ARE MATHEMATICAL
ROUNDING ERRORS, WHY CAN'T THOSE BE ADJUSTED? >> THESE SHEETS ARE SIGNED NOT
ONLY BY THE PRECINCT CHAIR AND PRECINT SECRETARY--
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: AFTER THAT, PRICE
GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN A FIVE GALLON CAN OF VAN CAMP'S PORK
AND BEANS AND THEN STUMBLED INTO A WHEAT THRESHER. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IOWA IS A CAUCUS. TOMORROW'S VOTE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
IS THE FIRST ACTUAL PRIMARY OF THE 2020 ELECTION. TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOT A
REPEAT OF IOWA, DEMOCRATS HAVE HIRED A NEW ELECTION CONSULTANT
TO TABULATE VOTES: >> ONE, TWO, THREE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YEAH. POPULAR. VERY POPULAR. BILLIE, DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT
WAS? ( LAUGHTER )
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE NEW HAMPSHIRE NEW HAMP-ENINGS IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: ♪
♪ >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. ( HONKING )
>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA. I THINK THEY WILL END UP
BEING THE LOSERS >> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: PEOPLE LOVE FURY ROAD! IT'S EXCITING, FURY ROAD! BOOM! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: GET INTO IT! >> Stephen: THE LATEST POLLS
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE ARE ALL OVER THE
MAP. MOST SHOW BERNIE SANDERS IN
FIRST, FOLLOWED BY PETE BUTTIGIEG. THERE WAS ONE SURPRISING RESULT,
A POLL THAT NEW HAMPSHIRE DEMOCRATS WOULD PREFER AN
EXTINCTION-CAUSING METEOR OVER TRUMP REELECTION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH! >> Stephen: HEY, NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEMOCRATS, YOU OKAY? ( LAUGHTER )
IT EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED THEIR STATE MOTTO FROM "LIVE
FREE OF DIE" TO "PLEASE LET US DIE." ( LAUGHTER )
WITH THE POLLS RELATIVELY TIGHT, THE CANDIDATES ARE GETTING NASTY
WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY JOE BIDEN AND PETE BUTTIGIEG, SEEN
HERE COSPLAYING AS FATHER TIME AND BABY NEW YEAR. ( LAUGHTER )
ON SATURDAY, BIDEN SAID THIS ABOUT BUTTIGIEG:
>> IS THIS A ACT OF DESPERATION ON YOUR CAMPAIGN TO BE MAKING
THIS ASSERTION RIGHT NOW ON MAYOR BUTTIGIEG? >> OH, COME ON, MAN, THIS GUY IS
NOT A BARACK OBAMA. >> STEPHEN: IS "BARACK OBAMA"
THE ONLY MEASURE OF THINGS THAT ARE GOOD? (AS BIDEN)
"OH MAN. THIS TURKEY REUBEN IS A REAL
BARACK OBAMA. BUT WHEN I'M DONE, LET'S HIT THE
ROAD. BECAUSE THE BATHROOM HERE IS NO
BARACK OBAMA." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THE STRANGEST MOMENT IN
BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN RESURRECTION TOUR CAME ON SUNDAY, WHEN A
VOTER ASKED HIM THIS: >> HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE
PERFORMANCE IN IOWA AND WHY SHOULD THE VOTERS BELIEVE THAT
YOU CAN WIN THE NATIONAL ELECTION? >> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. NUMBER ONE --
IOWA WAS A DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS. YOU EVER BEEN TO A CAUCUS? >> YES. >> NO, YOU HAVEN'T. YOU'RE A LYING, DOG-FACED PONY
SOLDIER. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE BIDEN'S HEAD WHEN HE
COMES UP WITH THESE INSULTS? (AS BIDEN)
"HMMM. LET'S SEE. WHAT SHOULD I CALL HER? DEVIOUS SQUIRREL-KNEED KANGAROO
MAILMAN? NO. TRICKY CAT-FINGERED PANTHER
CHEF? NO. LYING DOG FACED PONY SOLDIER? GOOD ONE, JOE. THAT INSULT WAS A REAL BARACK
OBAMA." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS WASN'T
THE FIRST TIME BIDEN HAS USED THIS WEIRD INSULT. HE HAD TO EXPLAIN IT A COUPLE
YEARS AGO AT A RALLY: >> AS MY BROTHER WHO LOVES TO
USE LINES FROM MOVIES, A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE, THERE'S A LINE IN A
MOVIE, A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE WHERE AN INDIAN CHIEF TURNS TO JOHN
WAYNE AND SAYS, "THIS IS A LYING, DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER." >> STEPHEN: SEE? THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE
RAMBLING EXPLANATION: JOHN WAYNE AND "INDIAN CHIEF." THE ONLY PROBLEM YOU COULD
POSSIBLY HAVE WITH HIS PLAYFUL DOG-FACED PONY LANGUAGE, IS
THAT JOHN WAYNE'S WESTERNS DON'T INCLUDE THAT QUOTE. ( LAUGHTER )
DOESN'T MATTER. DOESN'T MATTER, SIR. IF SOMEONE CHALLENGES YOU OVER
THIS QUOTE, JUST REMEMBER WHAT BRANDO SAID IN "THE GODFATHER." "I'M GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER
WITH A BOX OF CHOCOLATES, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE." ( LAUGHTER )
BILLIE, YOU EVER SEE THE GODFATHER? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TAKE SOME WRAPPER OFF THIS. THERE YOU GO. SO YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH BEFORE
YOU ATE THE HOAGIE! YEAH. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT, SINCE TRUMP GOT
ACQUITTED IN HIS IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, AND NOW HE'S READY FOR
REVENGE ON ANYONE HE BELIEVES --
( BOOING ) >> Stephen: SORRY -- TOO LATE! ( LAUGHTER )
HE'S READY FOR REVENGE ON ANYONE HE BELIEVES WRONGED HIM. I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN OUR
NEW SEGMENT "THE TRUMP IRE STRIKES BACK." ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ON FRIDAY, TRUMP PROVED THAT
HE'S MORE SPITE THAN MAN WHEN HE FIRED IMPEACHMENT WITNESSES
GORDON SONDLAND AND ALEXANDER VINDMAN IN A POST-ACQUITTAL
PURGE. YES, TRUMP HAS GONE FULL
STRONGMAN. HE'S MAKING A LIST OF ENEMIES
AND CHANGED THE NAME OF HIS RESORT TO "MAR-A-GULAGO." ( LAUGHTER )
THEN TRUMP PROVED THAT REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED STUPID,
BECAUSE HE ALSO FIRED VINDMAN'S TWIN BROTHER, AN ARMY LIEUTENANT
COLONEL WHO WORKED AS A LAWYER ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL
STAFF. (AS TRUMP)
"IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY FANTASY TO FIRE TWINS... BUT THEN YOU GET
-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY FANTASIZES
ABOUT FIRING TWINS, BUT THEN YOU GET IN THERE AND THEY'RE JUST
FIRING EACH OTHER. THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? SIT IN THE CORNER AND FURIOUSLY
FIRE MYSELF?" ( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT IMAGE. >> Jon: I DON'T WANT THAT. >> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO FIRED
AMBASSADOR TO THE E.U. GORDON SONDLAND,
DESPITE BEING ASKED NOT TO BY A HANDFUL OF REPUBLICAN
SENATORS. HOW DUMB ARE THESE SENATORS? YOU VOTED NOT TO DO THE ONE
THING THAT COULD HAVE TAKEN HIM DOWN! THAT'S LIKE SAYING "NOW THAT
WE'VE GOTTEN RID OF ALL OF THE TOWN'S SILVER BULLETS, THAT
WEREWOLF WILL REALLY LISTEN TO US. SIT, WEREWOLF, SIT. AAAAAAAAH!"
AAAAAAAAH!" KILL ME! KILL ME! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) OKAY. I'M OKAY. IN TIMES LIKE THIS, SOME PEOPLE
MIGHT GET DEPRESSED. BUT NOT ME. 'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THERE WAS
ONE BRIGHT ORANGE SPOT. THIS ACTUAL PHOTO OF DONALD
TRUMP'S FACE, SEEN HERE, I'M GOING TO GUESS, AFTER BOBBING
FOR FRENCH FRIES? ( LAUGHTER )
THE PHOTO SHOWS A CLEAR BORDER BETWEEN TRUMP'S BRONZER AND THE
STOLEN CADAVER SKIN THAT ENSHROUDS THE REMAINDER OF HIS
HEAD. ( LAUGHTER )
HE LOOKS LIKE HANNIBAL LECTER WHEN HE STOLE A DIFFERENT
PERSON'S FACE TO ESCAPE FROM PRISON. (AS LECTER)
"HELLO, CLARISE. I'M A VERY STABLE GENIUS." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT, HEY, I'M IN ENTERTAINMENT,
I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TAKE A BAD HEAD SHOT. MAYBE IT'S BETTER IN BLACK AND
WHITE? OH, GOD! ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S LIKE HE MOTOR BOATED A FRESHLY PRINTED NEWSPAPER. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) "COME HERE, MARMADUKE." ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WHOA. >> Stephen: NOW, FOR SOME
REASON TRUMP WAS UPSET ABOUT THIS
PHOTO. SO HE TWEETED, "MORE FAKE NEWS. THIS WAS PHOTOSHOPPED,
OBVIOUSLY, BUT THE WIND WAS STRONG AND THE HAIR LOOKS GOOD? ANYTHING TO DEMEAN!"
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN TRUMP IS THANKING THE WIND. ( LAUGHTER )
HIS HAIR AND THE WIND DON'T HAVE GREAT HISTORY. AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? AND "HAIR LOOKS GOOD?"
THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF NARCISSISM. (AS TRUMP)
"MY FACE LOOKS LIKE I GOT A CHEMICAL PEEL AT JIFFY LUBE, BUT
HAIR LOOKS GOOD." ( LAUGHTER )
AS USUAL, TRUMP'S LYING. THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. I'VE MET HIM. SOME NIGHTS I WAKE UP SCREAMING. ( LAUGHTER )
EARLIER TODAY, THE PRESIDENT MET WITH GOVERNORS FROM ACROSS THE
COUNTRY. AND HE PREVIEWED THE EVENT WITH
THIS TWEET: "MEETING WITH U.S. GOVERNORS IN
A SHORT WHILE. ALL STATES ARE DOING WELL. 'THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT.'"
WAIT, IF YOU ARE MEETING WITH THEM IN A SHORT WHILE, HOW CAN
YOU ALREADY QUOTE THEM? (AS TRUMP)
"'THANK YOU, MR PRESIDENT' IS WHAT THE GOVERNORS WILL SAY, AND
THEN GO ON TO 'YOU LOOK SO FIT, HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT? ALSO, I TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT'S
YOUR FACE.'" ( LAUGHTER )
WHEN HE FINALLY DID TALK TO THE GOVERNORS, HE WENT AFTER NATO. >> WITH NATO, AS YOU KNOW, I'VE
GOTTEN, $130 BILLION MORE, THEY WILL PAY. BECAUSE NATO WAS GOING DOWN LIKE
A ROCKET SHIP. >> STEPHEN: OH, YEAH, THAT THING
THAT FAMOUSLY GOES DOWN, A ROCKETSHIP. THIS IS THE MAN WHO WANTS TO
START "SPACE FORCE." BEFORE WE LAUNCH ANY OF THOSE
ROCKETS INTO SPACE, LET'S MAKE SURE THEY'RE POINTED THE RIGHT
WAY. ( LAUGHTER )
SPACE FORCE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) EVEN A LYING CLOCK TELLS THE
TRUTH TWICE A DAY. >> WE'RE DOING A LOT OF THINGS
THAT ARE GOOD INCLUDING WASTE AND FRAUD. TREMENDOUS WASTE AND TREMENDOUS
FRAUD. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TRUE, TRUE. THAT IS HAPPENING. COINCIDENTALLY, "TREMENDOUS
WASTE" AND "TREMENDOUS FRAUD" ARE TRUMP'S
NICKNAMES FOR ERIC AND DON JR. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TREMENDOUS, WHAT A WASTE. TREMENDOUS WASTE, TREMENDOUS
FRAUD. TRUMP AND THE GOVERNORS HAD AN
EVENT LAST NIGHT WHERE THE MILITARY BAND PERFORMED. AND OF COURSE, TRUMP TURNED A
COMPLIMENT ABOUT THEM INTO A BRAG ABOUT HIMSELF. >> I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HERE
HAS AN EAR FOR MUSIC. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, A LONG TIME
AGO I WAS TOLD I HAVE A GREAT EAR FOR MUSIC BY SOMEBODY. I TOOK A TEST. THEY SAID, "HE HAS A WONDERFUL
APTITUDE FOR MUSIC." >> STEPHEN: OH, LET'S SEE SOME
OF HIS APTITUDE FOR MUSIC. >> GREEN ACRES IS THE PLACE TO
BE. FARM LIVIN' IS THE LIFE FOR ME. LAND SPREADIN' OUT SO FAR AND
WIDE. KEEP MANHATTAN, JUST GIVE ME
THAT COUNTRYSIDE. >> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE REALLY
GOT AN EAR. HE REALLY
CAPTURED THAT FARM FEELING. HE SOUNDED JUST LIKE A COW BEING
ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED. ( LAUGHTER )
BILLIE, YOU LIKE THAT JOKE? ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. JOHN OLIVER IS HERE. STICK AROUND!
