WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> WE ARE COMING TO YOU JUST HOURS
AFTER THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE SHOCKED THE WORLD WITH A HEARING
THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS "COO-COO, AWOOGA, PSSHHHH,
WAWAWA, HATCHI MATCHI!" AND NOBODY, NOBODY SAW THIS
COMING. THEY WERE SCHEDULED TO BE IN
RECESS UNTIL THE WEEK OF JULY 11. THEY HAULED EVERYBODY BACK IN
FROM VACATION! CONGRESSMAN BENNIE THOMPSON
WAS STILL WEARING HIS FLOATIES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO WHY THE URGENCY? THE COMMITTEE COULD NOT WAIT TO
SHARE SOME HOT NEW DEETS ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THE WHITE
HOUSE ON JANUARY 6, COURTESY OF FORMER MARK MEADOWS TOP AIDE AND
FUTURE OSCAR-WINNING ROLE FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE, CASSIDY
HUTCHINSON. NOW, WE'VE SEEN HUTCHINSON
BEFORE IN VIDEO TESTIMONY FROM LAST THURSDAY'S HEARINGS, WHERE
SHE SPILLED THE TEA ON THE SEDITIONIST CONGRESSMEN WHO
ASKED FOR PARDONS. >> MR. GAETZ AND MR. BROOKS, I
KNOW BOTH ADVOCATED FOR THERE TO BE A BLANKET PARDON FOR MEMBERS
INVOLVED IN THAT MEETING. MR. GOHMERT ASKED FOR ONE AS
WELL. MR. PERRY ASKED FOR A
PARDON, TOO. MR. BIGGS DID. >> Stephen: WAIT, I THOUGHT
MR. BIGGS DIED ON THAT PELOTON! SOMEBODY TELL CARRIE! THESE HEARINGS ARE FULL OF
BOMBSHELLS. NOW, TODAY'S SURPRISE HEARING
DID NOT DISAPPOINT. IT WAS LOADED WITH SHOCKING
EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR ON JANUARY 6th OF
FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUDY KRUEGER <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HUTCHINSON MADE IT CLEAR THAT EVERYONE IN THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S INNER CIRCLE KNEW THAT BAD STUFF WAS GONNA GO DOWN
ON THE 6th. >> I WENT BACK UP TO OUR OFFICE
AND I FOUND MR. MEADOWS IN HIS OFFICE ON THE COUCH. HE WAS SCROLLING THROUGH HIS
PHONE. I REMEMBER LEANING AGAINST THE
DOORWAY AND SAYING, "I JUST HAD AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION WITH
RUDY, MARK. IT SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO GO
TO THE CAPITOL." HE DIDN'T LOOK UP FROM HIS PHONE
AND SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, "THERE'S A LOT GOING ON,
CASS. BUT I DON'T KNOW. THINGS MIGHT GET REAL, REAL BAD
ON JANUARY 6th." >> Stephen: SO THE PRESIDENT'S
CHIEF OF STAFF KNEW THERE COULD BE TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES AND
WENT AHEAD WITH IT ANYWAY? "HUH, WHAT? YEAH, I THINK THIS RASH MIGHT
BE AN S.T.D., BUT I DON'T KNOW, LET'S JUST PUT ON SOME MARVIN
GAYE AND JUST SEE WHERE THE EVENING TAKES US." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE PRESIDENT REALLY WANTED TO ACCOMPANY HIS MOB TO THE
CAPITOL, BUT WHITE HOUSE LAWYER PAT CIPOLLONE REALLY DID NOT
WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, FOR A DAMN GOOD REASON. >> I SAW MR. CIPOLLONE RIGHT
BEFORE I WALKED OUT ONTO WEST EXEC THAT MORNING. AND MR. CIPOLLONE SAID SOMETHING
TO THE EFFECT OF, "PLEASE MAKE SURE WE DON'T GO UP TO THE
CAPITOL, CASSIDY. KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ME. WE'RE GOING TO GET CHARGED WITH
EVERY CRIME IMAGINABLE IF WE MAKE THAT MOVEMENT HAPPEN." >> Stephen: "EVERY CRIME
IMAGINABLE." WE'RE TALKIN' TREASON, SEDITION <i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> CONSPIRACY... OBSTRUCTING A FEDERAL PROCESS,
ATTEMPTED MURDER, FISH FONDLING, GRAND THEFT CENTAUR, ASSAULT AND
PEPPERY, RIPPING THE TAF OFF A MATTRESS TAG AND REBROADCASTING
A GAME WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE
QUIDDITCH. BY THE WAY, WE ALSO LEARNED,
ACCORDING TO DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF TONY ORNATO, THAT WHAT
THE LAST ADMINISTRATION KEPT CALLING A "PEACEFUL CROWD" ON
JANUARY 6th WAS IN FACT ARMED TO THE TEETS. >> I REMEMBER TONY MENTIONING
KNIVES, GUNS-- IN THE FORM OF PISTOLS AND RIFLES-- BEAR SPRAY,
BODY ARMOR, SPEARS, AND FLAGPOLES. TONY HAD RELAYED TO ME SOMETHING
TO THE EFFECT OF, "THESE F'ING PEOPLE ARE FASTENING SPEARS ONTO
THE END OF FLAGPOLES." >> Stephen: THEY HAD SPEARS ON
THE END OF FLAGPOLES? WELL, AT LEAST THOSE FLAGS WILL
BE ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES WHEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT GROPES
THEM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO THIS MOB SHOWED UP TO HIS RALLY READY FOR VIOLENCE, BUT
BECAUSE OF THE WEAPONS, THEY WERE BEING STOPPED AT THE
MAGNETIC METAL DETECTORS, OR "MAGS," SO THE CROWD WASN'T AS
BIG AS IT COULD BE. AND HERE'S WHAT HUTCHINSON HEARD
THE ANGRY EX-PRESIDENT SAY ABOUT THAT. >> I WAS IN THE VICINITY OF A
CONVERSATION WHERE I OVERHEARD THE PRESIDENT SAY SOMETHING TO
THE EFFECT OF, "I DON'T F'ING CARE THAT THEY HAVE WEAPONS. THEY ARE NOT HERE TO HURT ME. TAKE THE F'ING MAGS AWAY. LET MY PEOPLE IN. THEY CAN MARCH TO THE CAPITOL
FROM HERE." >> Stephen: SO, HE WAS COOL WITH
HIS MOB BEING ARMED BECAUSE HE KNEW HE WASN'T THE ONE THEY
WANTED TO ATTACK. THAT'S LIKE HEARING, "HELLO,
9-1-1, STATE YOUR EMERGENCY. UH-HUH. UH-HUH. WELL, ALL I KNOW IS I'M NOT THE
ONE BEING STABBED. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A YOU PROBLEM." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE'VE HEARD HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED TO GO WITH THE
MARCHERS ALONG TO THE CAPITOL, FOR THE ATTACK, PRESUMABLY TO
BATTER HIS WAY INTO THE SENATE CHAMBER WITH A MEATBALL SUB. BUT HUTCHINSON TOLD US TODAY
JUST HOW DESPERATE HE WAS TO JOIN HIS MOB. AFTER THE SECRET SERVICE REFUSED
TO LET HIM WALK TO THE CAPITOL AND ESCORTED HIM TO HIS CAR,
DRIVEN BY THE HEAD OF HIS SECURITY DETAIL, BOBBY ENGLE,
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID THIS:
>> THE PRESIDENT SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, "I AM THE
F'ING PRESIDENT. TAKE ME UP TO THE CAPITOL NOW". TO WHICH BOBBY RESPONDED, "SIR,
WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE WEST WING." THE PRESIDENT REACHED UP TOWARD
THE FRONT OF THE VEHICLE TO GRAB AT THE STEERING WHEEL. MR. ENGEL GRABBED HIS ARM, SAID,
"SIR, YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR HAND OFF THE STEERING WHEEL." >> Stephen: THAT IS INSANE. BUT IT IS GOING TO MAKE A GREAT
SEASON PREMIERE OF "KLEPTOCRATS IN CARS SEIZING
POWER." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> AND--
♪ ♪ ♪ <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
TRUE STORY. AND HE DIDN'T GIVE UP. >> MR. TRUMP THEN USED HIS FREE
HAND TO LUNGE TOWARD BOBBY ENGEL, AND WHEN MR. ORNATO HAD
RECOUNTED THE STORY TO ME, HE HAD MOTIONED TOWARD HIS
CLAVICLES. >> Stephen: HE WENT FOR THE
THROAT! WHEN YOU GET INTO THE SECRET
SERVICE, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE ONE FOR THE PRESIDENT, BUT
YOU NEVER EXPECT TO TAKE ONE FROM THE PRESIDENT. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. LET'S KEEP THIS PART SECRET." THE LIMO WASN'T THE ONLY PLACE
THE PRESIDENT GOT VIOLENT. HUTCHINSON TALKED ABOUT THE
DAY BILL BARR WENT ON THE RECORD SAYING THERE WASN'T ANY FRAUD IN
THE ELECTION. >> I NOTICED THE DOOR WAS
PROPPED OPEN, AND THE VALET WAS INSIDE THE DINING ROOM
CHANGING THE TABLECLOTH OFF OF THE DINING ROOM TABLE. HE MOTIONED FOR ME TO COME IN
AND THEN POINTED TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE ROOM NEAR THE
FIREPLACE MANTEL AND THE TV, WHERE I FIRST NOTICED THERE WAS
KETCHUP DRIPPING DOWN THE WALL, AND THERE'S A SHATTERED
PORCELAIN PLATE ON THE FLOOR. THE VALET HAD ARTICULATED THAT
THE PRESIDENT WAS EXTREMELY ANGRY AT THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S
AP INTERVIEW AND HAD THROWN HIS LUNCH AGAINST THE WALL. <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> Stephen: I MEAN, HER
DESCRIPTION IS SO DETAILED, I THINK YOU COULD GO IN AND FIND
WHERE THAT KETCHUP STAIN WAS. I MEAN, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON
THE WHITE HOUSE TOUR, HAVE A LITTLE PLAQUE ON THE WALL, "HERE
THE 45th PRESIDENT LOST HIS LUNCH." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
APPARENTLY, THIS WAS NOT AN ISOLATED INCIDENT. >> WAS THIS THE ONLY INSTANCE
THAT YOU ARE AWARE OF WHERE THE PRESIDENT THREW DISHES? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> IT'S NOT. >> Stephen: THE GREATEST QUOTE
IN THE HISTORY OF CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS. EVIDENTLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
BREAKS A LOT OF DISHES, WHICH IS WHY HIS HANDLERS MAKE SURE HIS
MEALS ARE SERVED ONLY IN BUCKET OR EDIBLE BOWL. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WE LEARNED THIS TODAY. AND HERE'S MORE HISTORY:
>> THERE WERE SEVERAL TIMES THROUGHOUT MY TENURE WITH THE
CHIEF OF STAFF THAT I WAS AWARE OF HIM EITHER THROWING DISHES OR
FLIPPING THE TABLECLOTH, TO LET ALL THE CONTENTS OF THE TABLE GO
ONTO THE FLOOR AND LIKELY BREAK OR GO EVERYWHERE. >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS
BAD, BUT MAYBE HE JUST TRYING TO DO THAT MAGIC TRICK WHERE YOU
GRAB THE TABLECLOTH AND YANK AWAY DEMOCRACY. BACK ON<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> GOING BACK TO JANUARY 6, CAPITOL
HILL, POKEY FLAG, VIOLENCE, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW-- IT'S ALL ON
TV AT THIS POINT IN HER STORY TELLING. AND HUTCHINSON SAYS THAT WHITE
HOUSE LAWYER PAT CIPOLLONE CHARGES DOWN TO THEIR OFFICE TO
DEMAND MARK MEADOWS TELL THE PRESIDENT TO STOP THE ATTACK. >> AND I REMEMBER PAT SAYING TO
HIM SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF "THE RIOTERS HAVE GOTTEN TO THE
CAPITOL, MARK. WE NEED TO GO DOWN AND SEE THE
PRESIDENT NOW." AND MARK LOOKED UP AND SAID,
"HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING, PAT." AND PAT SAID SOMETHING TO THE
EFFECT OF-- AND VERY CLEARLY SAID THIS TO MARK-- SOMETHING TO
THE EFFECT OF, "MARK, SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE, OR PEOPLE ARE
GOING TO DIE, AND THE BLOOD IS GOING TO BE ON YOUR F'ING HANDS. >> Stephen: THAT IS DAMNING
TESTIMONY. IN RESPONSE, TODAY, MARK MEADOWS
RELEASED THIS STATEMENT: "NO COMMENT." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, COMPARE MARK MEADOWS' BREATHTAKING COWARDICE TO THAT
OF HIS ASSISTANT TESTIFYING TODAY, CASSIDY HUTCHINSON, AGE
25. WHO'S TESTIFYING BESPITE
MULTIPLE THREATS OF VIOLENCE TO TELL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THE
TRUTH. LAWYER
TO TELL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THE TRUTH. WELL, SHE CAN ADD ALL THIS TO
HER RESUME: "CRISIS MANAGEMENT, EXCELLENT
RECALL, BIGGER BALLS THAN MARK MEADOWS." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
MEADOWS MAY NOT HAVE ANY BALLS, BUT HE'S GOT SOME NERVE. >> MS. HUTCHINSON, DID WHITE
HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF, MARK MEADOWS, EVER INDICATE THAT
HE WAS INTERESTED IN RECEIVING A PRESIDENTIAL PARDON RELATED TO
JANUARY 6th? >> MR. MEADOWS DID SEEK THAT
PARDON, YES MA'AM. >> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT'S OWN
CHIEF OF STAFF WANTED A "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" CARD. BUT HE DIDN'T GET IT, SO
HOPEFULLY SOON, HE WILL NOT PASS "GO," NOT COLLECT $200, AND GO
DIRECTLY TO JAIL. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
ALSO-- ALSO-- ALSO, IN COMPARISON TO
MS. HUTCHINSON'S COURAGE, THE COMMITTEE PLAYED SOME FOOTAGE
OF THEIR INTERVIEW WITH DISGRACED FORMER NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, GENERAL MICHAEL FLYNN, WHO SEEMED
DISINCLINED TO BE FORTHCOMING. >> GENERAL FLYNN, DO YOU BELIEVE
THE VIOLENCE ON JANUARY 6th WAS JUSTIFIED? >> I SAID-- I SAID THE FIFTH. >> DO YOU BELIEVE THE VIOLENCE
ON JANUARY 6th WAS JUSTIFIED MORALLY? >> TAKE THE FIFTH. >> DO YOU BELIEVE THE VIOLENCE
ON JANUARY 6th WAS JUSTIFIED LEGALLY? >> FIFTH. >> GENERAL FLYNN, DO YOU BELIEVE
IN THE PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER IN THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA? >> THE FIFTH. >> Stephen: YOU WERE A GENERAL
IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY! YOU SWORE AN OATH TO UPHOLD THE
CONSTITUTION, NOT DENY ITS BEDROCK PRINCIPLES. HOW DOES MICHAEL FLYNN SING THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM? ♪ OH, SAY CAN YOU FIFTH! FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH
FIFTH-FIFTH! EVERYBODY! ♪ WHAT SO PROUDLY WE FIFTHED,
BY THE TWILIGHT'S FIFTH-FIFTH FIFTH! ♪ WHO'S BROAD STRIPES AND FIFTH
FIFTH ♪ O'ER THE LAND FIFTH-FIFTH
FIFTH ♪
FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FI FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FI
FTH ♪ FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTHI
FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FH ♪ FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTHI
FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FH ♪ OH, SAYS DOES THAT MIFFING,
FIFTH, FIFTH, FIFTH O'ER, THE FIFTH, FIFTH, FIFTH
♪ AND THE HOME OF THE FIFTH ♪ NO BALLS! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS CONGRESSWOMAN
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, RUDY
GIULIANI SURVIVES A BRUSH WITH BEING BRUSHED! STICK AROUND
