"WELCOME
TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> I'M GLAD YOU'RE FEELING GOOD. IT'S IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW, TO
STAY HOPEFUL. NO MATTER WHAT, AS BAD AS THE
LAST FIVE YEARS HAVE BEEN, AND AS ANXIOUS AS WE'RE ALWAYS ALL
FEELING, IT'S REASSURE TO KNOW AND I BELIEVE IMPORTANT TO
REMEMBER-- THAT AT ANY MOMENT, IT COULD GET MUCH, MUCH WORSE. TAKE CALIFORNIA, WHERE LAST
NIGHT, GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM SURVIVED A RECALL WITH ALMOST
64% OF THE VOTE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
SORRY, CALIFORNIA REPUBLICANS,
I KNOW YOU SPENT 20 MONTHS AND
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON THIS RECALL, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY: YOU WIN SOME, BUT NOT IN CALIFORNIA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> AND NEWSOM CELEBRATED HIS
NONREMOVAL IN A SPEECH TO SUPPORTERS, WHERE HE LAID OUT
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR
CALIFORNIANS >> I WANT TO FOCUS WHAT WE
SAID YES TO AS A STATE. WE SAID YES TO SCIENCE. WE SAID YES TO VACCINE. WE SAID YES TO ENDING THIS
PANDEMIC. WE SAID YES TO DIVERSITY. >> Stephen: AND NOTHING SAYS
DIVERSITY LIKE A RICH WHITE
GUY NAMED GAVIN. ALL THE COLORS OF THE
RAINBOW-- IVORY. HE ALSO HAD STRONG WORDS FOR
REPUBLICANS WHO FALSELY
CLAIMED THE RECALL ELECTION
WAS RIGGED. >> I THINK ABOUT JUST IN THE
LAST, YOU KNOW, FEW DAYS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT PUT OUT
SAYING THIS ELECTION WAS
RIGGED, DEMOCRACY IS NOT A FOOTBALL. YOU DON'T THROW IT AROUND. IT'S MORE LIKE A, I DON'T
KNOW, ANTIQUE VASE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: WAY TO BE
RELATABLE, GOV. <i> ( AS NEWSOM )</i>
"DEMOCRACY'S NOT A FOOTBALL. IT'S AN ANTIQUE VASE, OR A
BOTTLE OF '93 CHATEAU D'YQUEM, OR ORCHESTRA SEATS AT THE
METROPOLITAN OPERA. UNLESS THEY'RE DOING AIDA! I CANNOT TOLERATE VERDI. AM I RIGHT, FELLOW FOOTBALL
FANS?" COME ON! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WRITTEN TO CELEBRATE THE
OPENING OF THE SUEZ. ONE OF THE REPUBLICANS WHO
SAID THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED
WAS TALK RADIO HOST AND MAN STILL
WAITING FOR HIS MOM TO PICK
HIM UP, LARRY ELDER. EVEN BEFORE ELECTION DAY,
ELDER POSTED BASELESS
ACCUSATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD ON HIS WEBSITE. THAT IS CHUTZPAH. CASTING DOUBT ON THE INTEGRITY
OF OUR ELECTIONS WITHOUT FIRST INVENTING A PILLOW? <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> BUT AFTER THE RESULTS CAME IN,
ELDER STRUCK A FAR DIFFERENT TONE:
>> AS YOU KNOW, MY OPPONENT, GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM--<i>
( CROWD BOOING )</i> COME ON. LET'S-- LET'S-- LET'S BE
GRACIOUS. LET'S BE GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT. >> Stephen: "COME ON, ANGRY
MOB, THAT I WHIPPED UP WITH
FALSE CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD, LET'S
BE GRACIOUS AS WE CONCEDE
DEFEAT TO THE GEORGE SOROS-BACKED
LIZARD-MEN BANKERS WHO WANT TO SMOKE OUR CHILDREN'S ADRENAL
GLANDS IN THE BASEMENT OF A PIZZA PARLOR." COME ON. COME ON. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
IT'S... ♪ ♪ ♪
SPEAKING OF GRACIOUS IN
DEFEAT, WE'RE GETTING MORE DETAILS
ABOUT THE FINAL DAYS IN OFFICE
OF FORMER PRESIDENT
"SWAMPOPOTAMUS." THEY'RE COMING FROM BOB
WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA'S
NEW TELL-ALL "PERIL," WHICH SHEDS NEW LIGHT
ON THE ROLE OF MIKE PENCE,
WHOSE HEROIC REFUSAL TO THROW OUT
THE ELECTION RESULTS ON
JANUARY 6th IS HOW HISTORY WILL
REMEMBER HIM-- AS LONG AS
HISTORY DOESN'T READ THIS NEW BOOK, BECAUSE
THEN HISTORY WILL KNOW HE
SUCKS JUST AS MUCH AS YOU THOUGHT HE
DID. BECAUSE THIS BOOK REVEALS
THAT, RIGHT UP 'TILL THE END,
PENCE WAS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO DO HIS
BOSS'S EVIL BIDDING. AND TO GET SOME IDEAS, HE
CALLED UP FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT AND PAINTING WHOSE EYES FOLLOW YOU
NOWHERE, DAN QUAYLE. WOW, QUAYLE AND PENCE. ON A PHONE CALL! WHAT A CONVERSATION THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN. OH, TO BE A FLY ON THEIR HEAD. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ON THE CALL, PENCE ASKED
QUAYLE IF THERE WAS ANY WAY
FOR A VICE PRESIDENT TO FACILITATE A
COUP, BUT DAN SHUT HIM DOWN,
SAYING, "MIKE, YOU HAVE NO FLEXIBILITY
ON THIS-- NONE, ZERO. FORGET IT. PUT IT AWAY." ALSO WHAT PENCE SAYS TO
HIMSELF ANY TIME HE THINKS
ABOUT WEARING SHORTS:
"FORGET IT, MIKE. PUT IT AWAY. YOU CAN'T SHOW ANYONE YOUR
KNEES-- A.K.A. THE DEVIL'S ELBOWS! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOU KNOW WHERE KNEES LEAD-- TO THE THIGHS. AND THE THIGHS LEAD TO... THE BATHING SUIT AREA." PENCE-- AND SCENE. PENCE PUSHED BACK AT QUAYLE,
SAYING OF HIS BOSS, "BUT HE REALLY THINKS HE CAN. AND THERE ARE OTHER GUYS THERE
SAYING I'VE GOT THIS POWER." IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A CHILD:
"WELL, MIKE, IF ALL YOUR OTHER FRIENDS WERE JUMPING OFF A
THERE YOU GO. OKAY. GET ME A SHOVEL
AND A SHOP VAC." PENCE-- IT PAINT A PICTURE,
DOESN'T IT? PENCE DIDN'T GET IT, REPEATING
HIS BOSS'S FALSE ELECTION
FRAUD CLAIMS ABOUT ARIZONA, TO WHICH
QUAYLE REPLIED, "MIKE, I LIVE
IN ARIZONA. THERE'S NOTHING OUT HERE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> INCIDENTALLY, ALSO ARIZONA'S
TOURISM SLOGAN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
EVENTUALLY, PENCE DECIDED NOT
TO DESTROY OUR REPRESENTATIVE
GOVERNMENT, BUT THIS IS A CHILLING STORY THAT
ILLUSTRATES JUST HOW CLOSE WE
WERE TO DISASTER, WHICH LED SOME
PEOPLE TO CONCLUDE: "DAN
QUAYLE MAY HAVE SAVED AMERICAN
DEMOCRACY." >> Jon: WOW. >> Stephen: THAT IS A SHOCKER. YOU REALLY DON'T EXPECT
ANYTHING TO BE SAVED BY DAN
QUAYLE. IT'S LIKE SENDING UP THE BAT
SIGNAL, AND THE GUY WHO SHOWS
UP IS DAN QUAYLE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE ALSO HAVE AN UPDATE ON LAST NIGHT'S BIGGEST STORY BY FAR. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S
FRIEND'S BALLS. YOU GUYS KNOW THE STORY I'M
TALKING ABOUT? WE'VE MADE SOME JOKES AND
BITS, SOME GAGS ABOUT THESE
TESTICLES, AND WE'VE GOT A FEW MORE,
WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S: "STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALL GAGS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> FOR THOSE OF YOU-- THEY TOOK
THAT AWAY QUICKLY. THEY TOOK IT THAT LOWER THIRD
AWAY QUICKLY, DIDN'T THEY? FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN
LIVING UNDER A ROCK OR A PARTICULARLY LARGE PAIR OF
BALLS, NICKI MINAJ CAUSED A CONTROVERSY WHEN SHE TWEETED,
"MY COUSIN IN TRINIDAD WON'T
GET THE VACCINE CUZ HIS FRIEND GOT
IT AND BECAME IMPOTENT. HIS TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN." OF COURSE, "YOUR COUSIN'S
FRIEND" IS A MUCH MORE TRUSTED SOURCE THAN ALL OF THE WORLD'S
DOCTORS. THAT'S WHY IN AN EMERGENCY,
YOU ALWAYS HEAR PEOPLE YELL, "THIS MAN IS HAVING A HEART
ATTACK! QUICK! IS ANYONE HERE SOMEONE'S
COUSIN'S FRIEND?" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
LAST NIGHT, WE HAD SOME FUN
WITH MINAJ'S TWEET IN
OUR COLD OPEN. >> Stephen: WILL IT WILL GET
YOU. IT WILL GET YOU. >> Jon: THAT WILL MAKE YOU
MOVE. >> Stephen: IT WILL GET YOU. >> Stephen: NOW, NICKI'S A
FRIEND OF THE SHOW-- OR AT
LEAST A COUSIN'S FRIEND-- SO IT'S NO
SURPRISE SHE SAW THE BIT AND RETWEETED IT, ADDING, "I NEVER
CITED THAT AS A REASON I
DIDN'T GET VACCINATED. THE LIE IS SO FUNNY
/ENTERTAINING THO. I'D SAY SMTHNG MEAN TO THIS
LADY BUT I "RLLY" LIKE STEPHEN COLBERT. #SUPERBALLS." NIKI, NIKI, DARLING NICKI,
NICK, FOR THE RECORD, I "RLLY" LIKE YOU, TOO! THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO GET
VACCINATED.SO YOU CAN COME ON THE SHOW AGAIN, BECAUSE
WITHOUT A SHOT, THE NETWORK "RLLY" WON'T LET YOU IN. NOW YESTERDAY-- THIS IS TRUE--
TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO'S MINISTRY OF HEALTH WAS INUNDATED WITH
REQUESTS TO FACT CHECK THIS CLAIM, SO TODAY, THEIR PUBLIC
HEALTH MINISTER MADE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT:
>> ONE OF THE REASONS WE COULD NOT RESPOND YESTERDAY IN REAL
TIME TO MS. MINAJ IS THAT WE
HAD TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE THAT
WHAT SHE WAS CLAIMING WAS
EITHER TRUE OR FALSE. WE DID. UNFORTUNATELY, WE WASTED SO
MUCH TIME YESTERDAY RUNNING
DOWN THIS FALSE CLAIM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AS WE STAND NOW, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REPORTED SUCH
SIDE EFFECT OR ADVERSE EVENT
OF TESTICULAR SWELLING IN
TRINIDAD-- OR, I DARESAY, DR. HINES, ANYWHERE ELSE, NONE
THAT WE KNOW OF ANYWHERE ELSE
IN THE
WORLD. >> Stephen: WOW, WOW. >> Jon: THAT REALLY HAPPENED. >> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND. SIR, ARE YOU CALLING NICKI
MINAJ A LIAR? BECAUSE TO DO THAT TAKES SOME
REALLY BIG-- WAIT A SECOND! NOW I KNOW WHY HE'S SITTING
BEHIND THAT GIANT TABLE! LAST NIGHT, MINAJ WAS ALSO A
SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION FOR TUCKER CARLSON, SEEN HERE
DISCUSSING THE SIZE OF HIS OWN BALLS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ( APPLAUSE )
TUCKER-- TUCKER WAS ONE OF THE FIRST TO
JUMP ON THIS STORY MONDAY
NIGHT, BUT HE HAD GOTTEN A CRUCIAL
DETAIL WRONG, WHICH LED HIM TO ISSUE THIS RARE CORRECTION:
>> LAST NIGHT, WE READ IT, WE PUT THE GRAPHIC ON THE SCREEN,
AND WE SUGGESTED THAT NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN IS THE ONE WITH
THE SWOLLEN TESTICLES IN TRINIDAD. AND WE WERE WRONG, AND WE WANT
TO ADMIT IT. WE HENCEFORTH CORRECT THE
RECORD. NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S
TESTICLES ARE NOT SWOLLEN. AS FAR AS WE KNOW, HE'S FINE.
IT IS NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S TESTICLES WHO ARE
SWOLLEN FROM TAKING THE VAX. >> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO SEE
FOX NEWS IS FINALLY COMING TO
TERMS WITH SOME OF ITS DANGEROUS
MISSTATEMENTS. AND THIS TIME-- THIS TIME--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Jon: YOU HAVE TO TELL THE
TRUTH. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. >> Stephen: THIS TIME, IT'S
NOT TRIVIAL STUFF LIKE "WAS
THE ELECTION STOLEN?"
OR, "SHOULD I HUFF HORSE MEDICINE?"
NO, FOX VIEWERS. YOU GOTTA SQUIRT IT STRAIGHT
UP YOUR BUTT. CARLSON HAS BEEN REPORTING ON
MINAJ'S TWEET BECAUSE HE'S DESPERATE FOR ANY PROOF THAT
THE VACCINE IS NOT SAFE, WHICH LED TO THIS APPEAL:
>> WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER THIS SHOW
IS BROADCAST IN TRINIDAD, BUT
IF NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND
IS WATCHING, OR HIS FORMER FIANCEE IS WATCHING, WE WANT
TO HEAR YOUR STORY. WE'LL COME TO PORT OF SPAIN TO
SEE YOU. LET US KNOW. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. TUCKER'S WILLING TO GO
ANYWHERE TO GET THE IMPORTANT
STORIES. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN CRONKITE
WENT TO VIETNAM TO INTERVIEW JIMI HENDRIX'S COUSIN'S FRIEND
WHO CLAIMED THE POLIO VACCINE GAVE HIM A MICRO-TAINT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WELL... <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE DON'T HAVE ANY IMAGES? THIS IS CBS? WE DON'T HAVE IMAGES OF
CRONKITE INTERVIEWING A MICRO
-TAINT? I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT. WELL, WE HERE AT "THE LATE
SHOW" ALSO WANT THE TRUTH, BUT
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON
NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND OR THE EX-FIANCEE. I WANT TO INTERVIEW THE
BALLS-- WHICH, AT THIS POINT,
ONE ASSUMES, ARE NOW SO LARGE THEY
HAVE BECOME SELF-AWARE AND
HAVE ACQUIRED THE POWER OF SPEECH. ALSO, AND THIS IS TRUE, WE
CHECKED, AND MY SHOW IS BROADCAST IN TRINIDAD. SO NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S
FRIEND'S GIANT BALLS, IF
YOU'RE WATCHING, I'LL COME DOWN TO
PORT OF SPAIN OR THE FRENCH
RIVIERA, OR THE ROLLING
HILLS OF TUSCANY. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE, I
JUST WANT US TO HANG. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).</i> >> Jon: AAAH! AAAH! COME ON, JAZZ COWBOY! >> Stephen: THE POINT IS, I
WILL GO ANYWHERE FOR A SIT
-DOWN WITH THESE GIANT BALLS. HOWEVER, I DRAW THE LINE AT
INTERVIEWING A TALKING DICK. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JESSICA CHASTAIN
AND STEPHEN SONDHEIM. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MY NEW
FASHION UPDATE IS THE LATE
NIGHT FASHION SEGMENT FOR THE FALL. CHECK IT Y'ALL. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
