WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN
HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THANK YOU, FATHER. PLEASE. THANK YOU, PADRE. FOLKS, I GOTTA SAY, I FEEL YOUNG
TODAY. AS I DO EVERY DAY, BECAUSE I
WEAR MAKEUP. BUT EVEN MORE SO
BECAUSE, EARLIER TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN WELCOMED A
SPECIAL GUEST TO THE WHITE HOUSE: FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK
OBAMA, WHO GOT A STANDING OVATION. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THAT MUST BE NICE. WISH I KNEW WHAT THAT FELT LIKE. THEN, HOPEFULLY, THEY LOCKED THE
DOORS TO KEEP HIM IN. HE CAN COME OUT AFTER THE
MIDTERMS. THIS IS A PRETTY BIG MOMENT,
ACTUALLY, BECAUSE OBAMA WAS BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN FIVE YEARS. HE WAS THERE TO PROMOTE
OBAMACARE AND GET THAT PACK OF SMOKES HE FORGOT IN THE LINCOLN
BEDROOM. ( WHISPERING )
DON'T TELL MICHELLE. OBAMA OPENED HIS SPEECH
MEMORABLY: >> VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN-- VICE
PRESIDENT-- <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT WAS A JOKE! >> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY, I'M NOT
SURE IF I BUY THAT WAS A JOKE. I THINK HE WENT UP THERE, AND
THE FIRST THING HE SAID WAS A GAFFE. HE AND BIDEN HAVE MORE IN
COMMON THAN WE THOUGHT. OBAMA EXPLAINED THAT THIS WAS AN
UNUSUAL DAY FOR HIM: >> COMING BACK, EVEN IF I HAVE
TO WEAR A TIE, WHICH I VERY RARELY DO THESE DAYS. >> Stephen: YES, FROM WHAT I'VE
SEEN OF YOUR RETIREMENT, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU RARELY WEAR
A TIE, OR A SHIRT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEN-- THEN-- THEN HE THEN LOOKED BACK AT WHAT IT
TOOK TO GET THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT GOING. >> REPUBLICANS TRIED TO REPEAL
WHAT WE HAD DONE. THEY TRIED EXPLICITLY TO
MAKE IT HARDER FOR PEOPLE TO SIGN UP FOR COVERAGE. AND LET'S FACE IT, IT DIDN'T
HELP THAT WHEN WE FIRST ROLLED OUT THE A.C.A., THE WEBSITE
DIDN'T WORK. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT WAS NOT ONE OF MY HAPPIEST MOMENTS. ( LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: REMEMBER WHEN AMERICA'S BIGGEST PROBLEM WAS
THERE WAS A WEBSITE THAT TOOK A WHILE TO LOAD, BUT THEN WHEN IT
DID, YOU GOT HEALTH CARE? ( LAUGHS )<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YES, WE CAN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEN PRESIDENT BIDEN GOT HIS TURN TO REMINISCE. >> MR. PRESIDENT, WELCOME BACK
TO THE WHITE HOUSE, MAN. FEELS LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
BEING HERE WITH YOU BRINGS BACK SO MANY GOOD MEMORIES. WE JUST HAD LUNCH TOGETHER, AND
WE WEREN'T SURE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT WHERE. >> Stephen: HE'S JOKING,
OBVIOUSLY, BUT IT STILL MUST BE NICE THAT BIDEN NO LONGER HAS TO
SIT AT THE VICE PRESIDENT'S TABLE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> SUPPOSEDLY-- SUPPOSEDLY-- WORD
WAS OBAMA WAS THERE TO CELEBRATE PRESIDENT BIDEN'S SIGNING AN
EXECUTIVE ORDER TO EXPAND COVERAGE UNDER THE
AFFORDABLE CARE ACT. BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
SPECULATING THAT OBAMA REALLY WAS THERE BECAUSE BIDEN IS
FALLING IN THE POLLS AND DEMOCRATS ARE LOOKING FOR A
SPARK. I UNDERSTAND THAT THEORY, BUT
ISN'T THAT LIKE YOU TRYING TO GET THE SPARK GOING WITH YOUR
WIFE BY INVITING HER SEXY OLD BOYFRIEND THAT BROKE UP WITH HER
AT YOUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER? "LOOK WHO'S HERE, HONEY. LOOK WHO'S HERE. LOOK WHO I INVADED. IT'S--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> COME ON. IT'S BRAD! YOU LIKED HIM. I KNOW YOU LIKED HIM, BECAUSE
SOMETIMES YOU EVEN YELL HIS NAME OUT AT SURPRISING MOMENTS. IS THIS GETTING YOU GOING? SING SOME AL GREEN, BRAD. HE PADDLEBOARDS!"
HEY, SPEAKING OF WASHINGTON, DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE SUPREME
COURT? TURNS OUT, KETANJI BROWN JACKSON
IS ON A CLEAR TRACK TO BE CONFIRMED LATER THIS WEEK AS THE
SUPREME COURT'S 116th JUSTICE <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
AND-- AND-- AND AND ITS FIRST BLACK WOMAN. THAT IS FANTASTIC! BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S OUT OF
COMMITTEE ALREADY. WE NEVER EVEN FOUND OUT IF SHE
LIKES BEER! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IT BECAME CLEAR THAT JACKSON WOULD BE CONFIRMED WHEN SHE GOT
PUBLIC ENDORSEMENTS FROM REPUBLICAN SENATORS
SUSAN COLLINS, MITT ROMNEY, AND LISA MURKOWSKI. AAAAAAND I'M BEING TOLD ALL
THREE OF THEM HAVE NOW BEEN CENSURED BY THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY, AND MURKOWSKI IS BEING PRIMARIED IN ALASKA BY THE QANON
POLAR BEAR. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ANOTHER-- KIND OF SILLY TO SEE A
BEAR-- A BEAR WITH A FUR HAT ON. KIND OF WEIRD TO SEE A BEAR WITH
A HAT ON. ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO HAS
FLIRTED WITH THE IDEA OF BEING REASONABLE IS MISSOURI SENATOR
AND OFF-DUTY JOKER, ROY BLUNT. ON THIS WEEK'S "THIS WEEK,"
BLUNT SAID THIS ABOUT JUDGE JACKSON:
>> SHE'S CERTAINLY QUALIFIED, SHE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY,
I THINK WILL BE A GOOD COLLEAGUE ON THE COURT. >> Stephen: OH, GREAT, SO SHE'S
GOT YOUR SUPPORT. >> I WON'T BE SUPPORTING HER. >> Stephen: WHAT? YOU JUST SAID SHE'S CERTAINLY
QUALIFIED. I'D HATE TO SEE HIS GUY'S YELP
REVIEWS: "GREAT FOOD, IMPECCABLE SERVICE,
WONDERFUL ATMOSPHERE. BURN IT TO THE GROUND." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THEN BLUNT DEMONSTRATED TRUE BIPARTISANSHIP BY TRYING TO HAVE
IT BOTH WAYS. >> SHE'S CERTAINLY GOING TO BE
CONFIRMED. I THINK IT WILL BE A HIGH POINT
FOR THE COUNTRY TO SEE HER GO ON THE COURT AND TAKE HER UNIQUE
PERSPECTIVE TO THE COURT. I WON'T BE SUPPORTING HER, BUT
I'LL BE JOINING OTHERS IN UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF
THIS MOMENT. >> Stephen: NO! NO, NO! YOU DON'T GET TO SAY YOU
UNDERSTAND ANYTHING IF YOU'RE ACTIVELY FIGHTING AGAINST THAT
THING. THERE IS A REASON-- THERE IS A
REASON-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THERE IS A REASON "AVENGERS: ENDGAME" DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THIS:
>> I UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MOMEEEENT! IRON MAN WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE
TIME! BYEEEE"
>> Stephen: WHILE SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE BROKEN RANKS
TO SUPPORT SOON-TO-BE-JUSTICE JACKSON, THEY ARE FULLY UNITED
AGAINST WHAT THEY SAY IS THE REAL THREAT TO AMERICA: CARTOON
RODENTS MAKING YOUR CHILDREN GAY. YOU SEE, DISNEY SPOKE OUT
AGAINST FLORIDA'S STUPID AND HATEFUL "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL, SO
SO NOW-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SO NOW, WHAT'S HAPPENING IS, IN RESPONSE FLORIDA REPUBLICANS
HAVE PUT DISNEY IN THEIR SIGHTS, LIKE IT WAS BAMBI'S MOM. I KNOW, IT'S SAD, ISN'T IT? DID YOU NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
IN THAT MOVIE? SPOILER. THIS WEEKEND, THE DISNEY
CORPORATION GOT A THREAT FROM FLORIDA G.O.P. LAWMAKER AND
STANDUP, SAYING, "THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT" TO A
GUY WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT, ANTHONY SABITINI. SABITINI WARNED DISNEY THAT,
THANKS TO THEIR OPPOSITION TO THE "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL, THEY
SHOULD GET READY TO EXPERIENCE "LIVING HELL." OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE LINE FOR
"BELLE'S CASTLE." AND EVEN ONCE YOU'RE IN THERE,
YOU GOTTA SIT IN THE LIBRARY FOR 20 MINUTES BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE A
PICTURE WITH HER! THEY SAID, "BE OUR GUEST!"
THAT TALKING CANDLE IS A LIAR! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE CUP'S NAME IS CHIP. SABITINI HAS A SPECIFIC TYPE OF
HELL IN MIND. HE WANTS TO TAKE AWAY DISNEY'S
SPECIAL TAX PRIVILEGES, AS WELL AS THE COMPANY'S ABILITY TO ACT
WITH THE SAME AUTHORITY AND RESPONSIBILITY AS A COUNTY
GOVERNMENT. NOW WAIT A SECOND. DISNEY HAS TO HAVE THE SAME
AUTHORITY AS A GOVERNMENT. HOW ELSE CAN THEY ARREST AND
JAIL THE LITTLE-KNOWN EIGHTH DWARF, STABBY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO THIS-- IT'S FLORIDA. YOU KNOW THERE'S A STABY. THERE'S A STABY. THERE'S A METHY. THERE'S AN ARSONY. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SO, THIS FLORIDA GUY IS THREATENING TO PUNISH DISNEY FOR
SUPPORTING L.G.B.T.Q. RIGHTS. REPUBLICANS SAY THEY'RE AGAINST
CANCEL CULTURE, BUT NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO CANCEL WHAT THEY CALL
A "WOKE" COMPANY, WHOSE CORE MESSAGE, I WILL REMIND YOU, IS
"IT'S OKAY TO KISS WOMEN WHILE THEY'RE IN A DRUG-INDUCED
STUPOR." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THE FLORIDA-- FINE! IT'S FINE! SHOW IT TO THE KIDS! LET THE KIDS WATCH! IF THE FLORIDA WAR ON DISNEY HAS
REACHED ALL THE WAY UP TO CONGRESS-- IT HAS REACHED UP
THERE, NOT "IF. THE. IT HAS. WITH MATT GAETZ
TWEETING: "THINGS THAT SCARE DISNEY: MUNICIPAL DISSOLUTIO<u> &-D</u>
REPORTING." ANOTHER THING THAT SCARES
DISNEY? MATT GAETZ WITHIN 50 YARDS OF
THE TEACUP RIDE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> SPEAKING--
SPEAKING OF FIGHTING BEHEMOTH CORPORATIONS, AMAZON. THIS PAST FRIDAY, AMAZON WORKERS
IN NEW YORK CITY VOTED TO FORM THE FIRST U.S. UNION. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THAT IS-- HELL, YES! THIS IS GREAT NEWS. THAT IS FANTASTIC. AND AMAZON IS NOW GOING ALL OUT
TO MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN. LEAKED DOCUMENTS SHOW THEY'RE
PLANNING A NEW MESSAGING APP FOR THEIR EMPLOYEES WHICH WOULD BAN
WORDS THAT PERTAIN TO ORGANIZING A UNION, INCLUDING "UNFAIR,
INJUSTICE, ETHICS, DIVERSITY, FAIRNESS, PAY RAISE," AND
PHRASES LIKE "THIS IS DUMB" OR "THIS IS CONCERNING." BUT IF YOU CAN'T SAY "THIS IS
DUMB," HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DESCRIBE THIS HAT? <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE APP-- IT PA-CHEW! THE APP ESSENTIALLY CENSORS
ANYTHING THAT'S CONTROVERSIAL AT AMAZON, INCLUDING THE WORD
"RESTROOM." WHICH, YOU KNOW, MAY NOT BE
MISSED. MANY AMAZON WORKERS ARE MORE
FAMILIAR WITH THE PHRASES, "EMPTY POWERADE BOTTLE" AND "ON
BEZOS'S GRAVE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> IF THIS APP-- PA-CHEW-CHEW. IF THIS APP DOES LAUNCH, IT
WOULD BE HARD FOR AMAZON EMPLOYEES TO OPENLY CRITICIZE
THEIR CONDITIONS. BUT AS A SOUTH CAROLINIAN, I'VE
GOT A WORKAROUND: IT'S CALLED BEING SOUTHERN. MEET ME OVER AT THE "SOUTHERN
HOSPITALITY" CAM. AMAZON, AMAZON, YOU'RE TRYING TO
KEEP WORKERS FROM TALKING TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THINGS LIKE
RESTROOMS, ETHICS, AND PAY RAISES? WELL, BLESS YOUR HEART. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> IT'S-- IT'S NOT-- NO, NO. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU WEREN'T
RAISED RIGHT. WHAT YOU'RE DOING ISN'T WRONG. IT'S JUST SO UNIQUE. AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE SIZE
OF YOUR SPACESHIP. SOME PEOPLE LIKE SMALL ROCKETS. OKAY? OKAY? HEY, I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS IS OSCAR ISAAC. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MR. JON
BATISTE WILL TELL US ALL ABOUT THE GRAMMIES.
