WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? THAT IS A WONDERFUL SOUND TO
HEAR HAPPINESS IN THIS ROOM BECAUSE
BECAUSE NEW YORK CITY HAS BEEN ON EDGE FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS
FOLLOWING YESTERDAY'S AWFUL SUBWAY SHOOTING. AT LEAST 29 PEOPLE WERE INJURED
BUT, THANKFULLY, ALL ARE IN STABLE CONDITION. AND ACCORDING TO THE N.Y.P.D.,
NO ONE HAS LIFE-THREATENING INJURIES AS A RESULT. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WE WISH THEM ALL A SPEEDY RECOVERY. KIND OF A MIRACLE NOBODY HAS A
LIFE-THREATENING INJURY. AND THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS:
THE BROOKLYN SUBWAY SHOOTING SUSPECT HAS BEEN ARRESTED. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THAT'S NICE. THAT'S FAST. THE SUSPECT'S NAME IS
FRANK R. JAMES. AUTHORITIES KNOW THIS BECAUSE
A CREDIT CARD WITH MR. JAMES' NAME ON IT HAD BEEN FOUND AT THE
SCENE OF THE SHOOTING, AS HAD A KEY TO A VAN THAT MR. JAMES
HAD RENTED. HE ALSO LEFT A CHEEK SWAB, A
FILLED-OUT TAX RETURN, AND HIS SOUL CYCLE EMERGENCY CONTACT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
VERY GENEROUS OF HIM. ONE OF THE UNUSUAL FACTS ABOUT
THIS SHOOTER IS THAT HE IS 62 YEARS OLD, WHICH MEANS
TECHNICALLY HE WASN'T ON THE RUN. HE WAS ON THE MALL WALK. AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE
ANNOUNCING FRANK JAMES' ARREST. >> FIRST, I'D LIKE TO GO TO THE
MAYOR, LIVE AT GRACIE MANSION. >> FIRST, I'D LIKE TO GO TO THE
MAYOR, LIVE AT GRACIE MANSION. >> MY FELLOW NEW YORKERS, WE GOT
HIM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: FOR MY REACTION TO THAT NEWS, LET'S GO LIVE TO
CAMERA ONE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> GREAT! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> DO YOU HAVE TIME? DO WE HAVE TIME FOR REST OF THE
SHOW? THE N.Y.P.D. DEPARTMENT CHIEF
EXPLAINED JUST HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN. >> CRIME STOPPER TIP COMES IN,
REPORTS THAT THE MALE IS IN THE McDONALD'S ON SIXTH STREET AND
FIRST AVENUE IN THE NINTH PRECINCT DOWN ON THE LOWER EAST
SIDE, IN THE EAST VILLAGE. >> Stephen: McDONALD'S? WELL, THEN I HOPE THEY TAKE
HIS PRISON SENTENCE AND THEY SUPERSIZE IT. IT'S FORTUNATE THAT JAMES LEFT
BEHIND PLENTY OF EVIDENCE BECAUSE NONE OF THE STATION'S
SECURITY CAMERAS WERE IN FULL OPERATION AT THE TIME OF THE
SHOOTING. WELL, THAT'S WHAT THE M.T.A. GETS FOR HIRING THE SAME GUY WHO
DID THE CAMERAS IN JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S CELL. AND IT DOES-- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. IT DOES EXPLAIN THE NEW SUBWAY
SAFETY POSTERS: "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, THAT'S
COOL! WE DIDN'T!"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( CHEERING )</i>
THE M.T.A. RESPONDED TO THIS REVELATION BY SAYING THAT NO
MORE THAN 1% OF THE SUBWAY SYSTEM'S CAMERAS ARE OUT OF
SERVICE AT ANY GIVEN TIME. OKAY, I CALL B.S.! EVERYTHING IN THE SUBWAY IS
ALWAYS BROKEN-- THE ESCALATORS, THE TICKET SWIPER, THE METRO
CARD VENDING MACHINES. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO CASH OR
CARD ACCEPTED?" HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY? IS THIS A BARTER SYSTEM? I CAN'T JAM A CHICKEN IN THAT
SLOT! THE OFLET ONLY THING IN THE
WHOLE DAMN SUBWAY THAT WORKING IS THE CEILING JUICE DRIPPER. YOU CAN ALWAYS GET FRESH CEILING
JUICE. IT'S BEEN A TOUGH WEEK FOR
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN. FIRST, WE LEARNED THAT INFLATION
IS AT A NEW 40-YEAR HIGH. AND WHEN HE WENT TO IOWA TO TALK
ABOUT WAYS TO LOWER GAS PRICES, TO TRY TO HELP, HE WAS UPSTAGED
BY HIS LAPEL, BECAUSE DURING THE SPEECH, A BIRD APPEARED TO POOP
ON JOE BIDEN. LOOK, FOLKS, THIS IS THE KIND OF
STORY LATE NIGHT WAS MADE FOR. IN FACT, STEVE ALLEN STARTED
"THE TONIGHT SHOW" IN THE 1950s TO TALK ABOUT A PELICAN
GUANO-BOMBING IKE. SO COVERING THIS RECENT INCIDENT
IS "THE LATE SHOW'S" DUTY. WELL, IT'S THE BIRD'S DOODY. BUT IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY. HERE'S--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> WAY AHEAD OF ME. THEY'RE WAY AHEAD. >> Jon: YEAH, THEY HEARD IT. >> Stephen: HERE'S THE MOMENT IT
HAPPENED. KEEP AN EYE ON THE PRESIDENT'S
JACKET, JUST ABOVE HIS FLAG PIN: >> IT'S ABOUT BEING MADE IN
AMERICA. A LOT OF THAT HAS TO DO WITH
THIS INDUSTRY. >> Stephen: AND THAT BIRD IS NOW
THE REPUBLICAN FRONT-RUNNER IN 2024. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
YES. IT'S ALREADY PICKED ITS
NUMBER TWO. HOLD ON! HOLD ON! WAIT! I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE HAVE AN
IMPORTANT BIRD POOP FACT CHECK. ACCORDING TO AN NBC POLITICAL
REPORTER, WHAT FELL ON THE PRESIDENT WASN'T BIRD POOP AT
ALL, BECAUSE, AS HE TWEETED: "I WAS IN THE ROOM. THIS IS AN ACTIVE FACTORY, AND
PIPES FULL OF CORN POWDER FILLED THE CEILING OF THIS EVENT SPACE. CORN POWDER PARTICLES WERE
DRIPPING ON ALL OF US PERIODICALLY THROUGHOUT THE
EVENT." BOOOOO! BOO ON YOUR FACT CHECK! WHAT A PARTY
NOT-ACTUALLY-POOPER! THIS GUY SURE SEEMS EAGER TO
CONVINCE US IT WASN'T BIRD POOP. CAN WE SEE A PHOTO OF THAT
REPORTER? AH-HAH! AH-HAH! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT, FINE. FACT CHECK GRUDGINGLY ACCEPTED. IT WASN'T BIRD POOP. IT WAS JUST A GENTLE RAIN OF
INDUSTRIAL CORN DOOKIE. YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF,
BECAUSE CAMERAS CAPTURED WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THE ROOM ABOVE
THE PRESIDENT THE MOMENT IT HAPPENED:
>> HEY, I'M IN HERE! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> SPEAKING OF-- THAT'S AN
EXCLUSIVE! THAT'S AN EXCLUSIVE, IS WHAT WE
CALL THAT IN THE BUSINESS. SPEAKING OF EMBARRASSMENT, IT
SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE WHO CAME WITHIN BURGER- SPITTLE DISTANCE
OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS UNDER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION. AND THAT INCLUDES DISGRACED
FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND POP-UP HALLOWEEN LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI. FEDERAL PROSECUTORS ARE
CURRENTLY LOOKING INTO RUDY'S LOBBYING EFFORTS IN UKRAINE, AND
BACK IN APRIL OF LAST YEAR, INVESTIGATORS SEIZED 18 DEVICES
DURING HIGH-PROFILE RAIDS ON HIS HOME. 18 DEVICES? MAN, THAT'S A LOT OF PORN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT THIS WEEK, RUDY GENEROUSLY OFFERED TO ASSIST THE FEDS IN
FINDING REASONS TO CHARGE HIM WHEN HE HELPED INVESTIGATORS
UNLOCK SEVERAL ELECTRONIC DEVICES BY PROVIDING A LIST OF
POSSIBLE PASSWORDS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
A REAL BAD SIGN WHEN YOU HAVE TO CARRY AROUND A PIECE OF PAPER
WITH A LIST OF POSSIBLE PASSWORDS. I'M HAPPY TO SAY "THE LATE
SHOW" HAS ACQUIRED A COPY OF THE LIST. THERE'S "LEAKY HEAD JUICE 21,"
"SEX WITH COUSIN 69," AND "FOUR SEASONS TOTAL MANSCAPING." SPEAKING--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> SPEAKING OF MANSCAPING, THERE'S
A SCANDAL BREWING FOR BRAZILIAN PRESIDENT AND GRANDPA ON
VACATION WHO'S DRIVING GRANDMA CRAZY WITH HIS STUPID NEW HAT,
JAIR BOLSONARO. BOLSONARO'S OPPONENS ARE
ATTACKING HIM AFTER FINDING OUT THAT THE COUNTRY'S ARMED FORCES
HAD BOUGHT TENS OF THOUSANDS OF IMPOTENCE PILLS. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, BRAZILIAN
SOLDIERS NO LONGER NEED THEIR BAYONETS, AND THEY'RE PITCHING
TENTS FASTER THAN EVER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE ARMED FORCES CLAIM THE DRUG THE DRUG WAS BEING USED TO TREAT
PULMONARY HYPERTENSION, BUT A REPORTER IN ONE NEWSPAPER
SUGGESTED THE DOSAGES THAT HAD BEEN BOUGHT WERE GENERALLY USED
TO TREAT PENISES, NOT BLOOD PRESSURE. WELL, EITHER WAY, YOU MIGHT WANT
YOUR PENIS TO CUT BACK ON FRIED FOODS. PLUS, THE OFFICIAL WHO EXPOSED
THE VIAGRA SPENDING ALSO CLAIMED THAT THE DEFENSE MINISTRY HAD
APPROVED THE PURCHASE OF 60 INFLATABLE SILICONE PENILE
IMPLANTS, COSTING BETWEEN INFLATABLE SILICONE PENILE
IMPLANTS, COSTING BETWEEN $10,600 AND $12,800 APIECE. WOW, HOW HIGH TECH ARE THESE
THINGS? IN THE OLD DAYS, IF YOU WANTED
AN INFLATABLE PENILE IMPLANT, YOU JUST MADE DO WITH ONE OF
THOSE NOODLE GUYS. DIDN'T WORK VERY WELL, BUT YOUR
PENIS DID SELL A LOT OF USED HONDAS. NOW, THIS IS ESPECIALLY
EMBARRASSING FOR BOLSONARO, WHO FREQUENTLY BOASTS ABOUT HIS
VIRILITY, REFERRING TO HIMSELF AS "IMBROCHAVEL." THE PORTUGUESE WORD ROUGHLY
TRANSLATES INTO ENGLISH AS "UNFLOPPABLE" OR
"FLACCID-PROOF." WELL, THIS WILL TEACH HIM TO BE
SO COCKY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE CLAIRE FOY AND
PAUL BETTANY. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE HOUSING
MARKET IS ON FIRE. BUT IS IT YOUNG PEOPLE OR OLD
PEOPLE WHO ARE THE ARSONISTS? STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
