WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND WE ARE COMING--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> YEAH. >> Jon: YEAH! >> Stephen: YOU CAN FEEL A LOT
OF ENERGY IN THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ARE COMING TO
WHAT MIGHT BE THE END OF DONALD TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL. REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO WRAP
IT ALL UP IN TIME TO NOT LEARN ANYTHING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IT'S ALL EXPLAINED IN THE NEW FILM:
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER." WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT. WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT. NOW-- COMING TO GET YOU! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
NOW, WE LEARNED A LOT. THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF
ARGUMENTS TODAY. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH." >> OH, NO! OH, MY GOODNESS. FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT,
NINE, TEN. ( BELL RINGS )
>> Stephen: TODAY, WE BEGAN A NEW PHASE OF THE TRIAL, WHERE
SENATORS CAN ASK QUESTIONS OF THE TWO SIDES. LAWYERS, SORT OF. BECAUSE UNDER THE TRIAL RULES,
SENATORS ARE TO SUBMIT WRITTEN QUERIES TO BE READ ALOUD BY
CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS. SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE SEX ED,
WHERE THEY LET STUDENTS SUBMIT UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS
ANONYMOUSLY. <i> ( AS ROBERTS )</i>
"LET'S SEE HERE, THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FROM
INDIANA INQUIRES... 'CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM HAND
STUFF'?" YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T. EVERYTHING IS FINE. THE STAR OF TODAY'S TRIAL WAS
TRUMP'S LAWYER AND AGING UNDERWEAR MODEL, ALAN
DERSHOWITZ. >> Audience: BOOOOO! >> Stephen: ENJOY RETIREMENT. HE WAS READY TO GO THE MOMENT HE
ARRIVED AT THE SENATE BUILDING, PROUDLY HOLDING UP A BAG OF UTZ
SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS. WHICH I PERSONALLY THINK THEY
SHOULD USE AS A NEW AD CAMPAIGN: "DEFENDING THIS PRESIDENT? THAT IS UTZ'D UP." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
LOVE IT. >> I COULD GO FOR A LITTLE UTZ. >> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR. >> Stephen: WHEN QUESTIONS
BEGAN, DERSHOWITZ LAUNCHED INTO A FREUDIAN DEFENSE. >> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I
KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST. EVERY PRESIDENT BELIEVES THAT. THAT IS WHY IT'S SO DANGEROUS TO
TRY TO PSYCHOANALYZE A PRESIDENT, TO TRY TO GET INTO
THE INTRICACIES OF THE HUMAN MIND! >> Stephen: YES, TRUMP'S
MIND IS SO INTRICATE, SO HARD TO PENETRATE. HE'S FULL OF COMPLEX IDEAS,
LIKE... <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"SHARKS BAD. BOOBS GOOD. WHERE'S FOOD?"
NOW, DERSHOWITZ PREVIOUSLY GAVE US THE CRAZY THEORY, "QUID PRO
QUO ISN'T IMPEACHABLE." TODAY, HE ROLLED OUT HIS SEQUEL:
IT MIGHT BE GOOD! >> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I
KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST. AND, MOSTLY, YOU ARE RIGHT. YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC
INTEREST. AND IF A PRESIDENT DOES
SOMETHING WHICH HE BELIEVES WILL HELP HIM GET ELECTED IN THE
PUBLIC INTEREST, THAT CANNOT BE THE KIND OF QUID PRO QUO THAT
RESULTS IN IMPEACHMENT! ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: HE'S SAYING THAT IF A
POLITICIAN BELIEVES THEIR REELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC
INTEREST-- AND HE JUST SAID ALL FOLLOWS THAT ANYTHING THEY DO TO
GET REELECTED IS FINE. THAT SEEMS LIKE A CRAZY, CORRUPT
ARGUMENT. I MEAN, NO ONE HAS EVER ARGUED
THAT THAT QUID PRO QUO ISN'T ILLEGAL. >> WHEN THE PRESIDENT DOES IT,
THAT MEANS IT IS NOT ILLEGAL. >> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> I STAND CORRECTED<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Jon: WHOA, WHOA! >> Stephen: BY YET ANOTHER
DICK. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW, SIFTING THROUGH THE LOGICAL
TURD DERSHOWITZ JUST PINCHED OUT IN THE SENATE WELL THERE,
IT'S HARD TO FIND THE LARGEST CORN KERNEL OF
LOGICAL FALLACY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT I THINK IT'S THIS-- HIS JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY ANY
QUID PRO QUO WITH A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT TO MANIPULATE OUR
ELECTIONS WOULD BE FINE. WHY IS THAT AGAIN, ALAN? >> YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE
PUBLIC INTEREST. >> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT. ONLY THE PUBLIC GETS TO DECIDE
WHAT'S IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST, NOT THE POLITICIAN. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
IT'S-- IT'S "WE THE PEOPLE" NOT YOU THE DOUCHE BAG. THAT'S WHY ON ELECTION DAY, YOU
DON'T SEE A POLITICIAN WEARING A STICKER THAT SAYS, "YOU VOTED. TRUST ME." OF COURSE, ESTEEMED COUNSELOR
TIGHTY WHITEY DOES THINK SOME QUID QUO PRO MIGHT BE POSSIBLY
BAD. >> IT WOULD BE A MUCH HARDER
CASE IF A HYPOTHETICAL PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SAID TO A
HYPOTHETICAL LEADER OF A FOREIGN COUNTRY, "UNLESS YOU
BUILD A HOTEL WITH MY NAME ON IT AND UNLESS YOU GIVE ME A
MILLION-DOLLAR KICKBACK, I WILL WITHHOLD THE FUNDS." >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"SLOW DOWN, DERSH. THESE ARE GREAT IDEAS. ERIC, START TAKING NOTES. WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN? WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?"
HE CONTINUED WITH HIS BLUEPRINT FOR A BANANA REPUBLIC:
>> A COMPLEX MIDDLE CASE IS. "I WANT TO BE ELECTED BECAUSE I
THINK I'M A GREAT PRESIDENT. I THINK I'M THE GREATEST
PRESIDENT THERE EVER WAS, AND IF I'M NOT ELECTED, THE NATIONAL
INTEREST WILL SUFFER GREATLY." THAT CANNOT BE AN IMPEACHABLE
OFFENSE. >> Stephen: "THAT CAN'T BE AN
IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE"? YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WHAT SORT OF INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS ARE HANGING IN
DERSHOWITZ'S OFFICE? "CONFIDENCE: WHEN YOU BELIEVE
YOU CAN FLY, YOU'RE ALWAYS ABOVE THE LAW." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
SO-- SO-- >> Jon: OOOOH! >> Stephen: SO WHAT WOULD MAKE A
QUID QUO PRO ILLEGAL, ALAN DERSHOWITZ? >> THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD
MAKE A QUID PRO QUO UNLAWFUL IS IF THE QUO WERE, IN SOME WAY,
ILLEGAL. >> Stephen: SO THE ONLY WAY IT
WOULD BE ILLEGAL IS IF IT'S ILLEGAL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOUR LOGIC IS LIKE A SNAKE EATING ITS OWN TAIL. OR A HEAD EATING ITS OWN ASS,
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE YOU PULLED THAT ARGUMENT RIGHT OUT
OF THE OLD DERSHY HIGHWAY <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, EARLIER TODAY-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Jon: GET IT OFF. >> Stephen: EARLIER TODAY, TRUMP
HELD A SIGNING CEREMONY FOR HIS U.S.M.C.A. TRADE DEAL, AND HE
GOT SOME OF HIS SENATE BUDDIES PUMPED UP TO ASK THEIR
QUESTIONS. >> TED CRUZ. BOY, HAS HE BEEN-- WHERE IS TED? BOY, OH, BOY, HE'S DYING TO GET
BACK THERE AND ASK THOSE QUESTIONS, I KNOW. HE'S SITTING THERE, "LET ME OUT
OF THERE, PRESIDENT! I WANT TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS!"
HE'S GOT SOME BEAUTIES, I'LL BET. >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE. IN FACT, WE HAVE A COPY OF
TED CRUZ'S FIRST QUESTION TODAY, "WHY DO PEOPLE OF EARTH RECOIL
WHEN VIEWING TED CRUZ'S HUMAN SMILE?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> THE BIG DECISION HANGING OVER
THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS WHETHER OR NOT THE SENATE IS GOING TO
ALLOW ANY WITNESSES. SPECIFICIALLY, FORMER NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR JOHN BOLTON, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING TOLD HE
CAN'T HAVE A BALLOON OR A WAR WITH IRAN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, REPORTEDLY, IN BOLTON'S UPCOMING BOOK, HE SAYS TRUMP
TOLD HIM PERSONALLY THAT MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE WAS
BEING HELD UP UNLESS ZELENSKY LAUNCHED AN
INVESTIGATION OF THE BIDENS. THERE IT IS. THAT'S NOT JUST A SMOKING GUN. THAT IS A FLAMETHROWER THAT IS
ON FIRE. TODAY--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> TODAY, NATURALLY, IN RESPONSE TO
THIS REVELATION, TODAY TRUMP ATTACKED BOLTON'S CHARACTER
TWEETING: <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"FOR A GUY WHO COULDN'T GET APPROVED FOR THE AMBASSADOR
TO THE U.N. YEARS AGO, COULDN'T GET APPROVED FOR ANYTHING SINCE,
BEGGED ME FOR A NONSENATE-APPROVED JOB-- WHICH I
GAVE HIM DESPITE MANY SAYING "DON'T DO IT, SIR"-- TAKES THE
JOB, MISTAKENLY SAYS 'LIBYAN MODEL' ON TV, AND DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, MANY MORE MISTAKES OF JUDGEMENT, GETS
FIRED BECAUSE FRANKLY, IF I LISTENED TO HIM, WE WOULD BE IN
WORLD WAR SIX BY NOW, AND GOES OUT AND IMMEDIATELY WRITES A
NASTY AND UNTRUE BOOK, ALL CLASSIFIED. NATIONAL SECURITY. WHO WOULD DO THIS?"
FIRST OF ALL, WORLD WAR SIX? "OPERATION TOKYO DRIFT"? ALSO, IF EVERYTHING BOLTON SAID
IS "NASTY AND UNTRUE," HOW CAN IT ALSO BE CLASSIFIED? THAT WOULD CERTAINLY CHANGE
"MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE." >> YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU
CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS NASTY AND UNTRUE. THIS TAPE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN
FIVE SECONDS. I LIED. IT'S TWO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO TWEETED, "WHY DIDN'T JOHN BOLTON COMPLAIN
ABOUT THIS 'NONSENSE' A LONG TIME AGO, WHEN HE WAS VERY
PUBLICLY TERMINATED? HE SAID-- NOT THAT IT MATTERS--
NOTHING!" <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"HE SAID NOTHING! NOT THAT IT MATTERS! BECAUSE JOHN BOLTON'S BETRAYAL
DEFINITELY DIDN'T HURT MY FEELINGS! I DON'T SPEND MY NIGHTS
CLUTCHING THE PRINGLES CAN WITH HIS FACE ON IT, CRYING AND
EATING HIS DELICIOUS CRISPY INNARDS. NO. ME AND DERSHOWITZ ARE MOVING ON
TO UTZ." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
TODAY-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
"IT'S A CALL-BACK, GUYS. IT'S A CALL-BACK. UTZ. UTZ. >> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR STILL
THE ONE. >> Stephen: TODAY WE LEARNED
THAT THE WHITE HOUSE ISSUED A FORMAL THREAT TO BOLTON TO KEEP
HIM FROM PUBLISHING HIS BOOK. WOW. WOW, SO RARE FOR TRUMP TO ISSUE
A FORMAL THREAT. <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"DEAREST ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE, IT IS MY SINCEREST RECOMMENDATION
THAT YOU KEEP ONE EYE OPEN WHILE YOU SLEEP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BEST REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR TEMPORARILY UNCUT
BRAKE CABLES, DONALD J. TRUMP." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE THREAT CAME IN THE FORM OF A LETTER TO BOLTON'S LAWYER,
SAYING THE BOOK CONTAINED INFORMATION AT THE TOP SECRET
LEVEL THAT COULD "CAUSE EXCEPTIONALLY GRAVE HARM TO THE
NATIONAL SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES." WELL, GIVEN EVERYTHING TRUMP'S
DONE TO HARM THE NATIONAL SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES,
AT THIS POINT, I THINK WE CAN HANDLE A BOOK. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THIS IS LIKE-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THIS IS-- THIS IS-- THIS IS LIKE REPEATEDLY GETTING RUN OVER BY A
BUS, AND THEN THE PARAMEDIC SAYS, "OKAY, THIS
COTTON SWAB MIGHT STING A BIT." THE MAN CHARGED WITH KEEPING
BOLTON FROM TESTIFYING IS SENATE MAJORITY LEADER, AND EMPEROR
PALPATINE'S FUN BROTHER, MITCH McCONNELL. >> Audience: BOOOO! >> Stephen: A LITTLE LATE WITH
THAT. NOW, YESTERDAY, AS THE
"WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT, McCONNELL TOLD REPUBLICAN
SENATORS HE DOES NOT YET HAVE THE VOTES YET TO BLOCK. WITNESSES. NICE EDITING, WAPO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO: GRAMMAR DIES IN DARKNESS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT IT IS NEWS THAT McCONNELL DOES NOT YET HAVE ENOUGH VOTES
YET. IT'S PROBABLY WHY HE WENT UP
TO CAPITOL HILL BRIGHT AND EARLY TO LOBBY SENATORS AND SACRIFICE
A GOAT. McCONNELL DOES NOT HAVE THE
OFFICIAL VOTE COUNT, BUT HE'S BEEN TALLYING GOP SUPPORT FOR
WITNESSES BY USING A CARD WITH "YES," "NO," AND "MAYBES" MARKED
ON IT. HE'S TREATING IMPEACHMENT LIKE A
SEVENTH GRADER WHO HAS A CRUSH. PASSING NOTES THAT SAY "DO YOU
LIKE DEMOCRACY? YES, NO, MAYBE. ALSO, MITT ROMNEY EATS BOOGERS,
PASS IT ON." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO WE DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE. I HAVE NO IDEA. >> Jon: ALLEGEDLY. WE NEVER KNEW. >> StepheN: SO WE DON'T KNOW IF
WITNESSES ARE GOING TO BE CALLED. BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR HOPE. MAYBE DON'T GO ASKING CHUCK
SCHUMER. >> I THINK IT'S UP IN THE AIR. IS THERE A CHANCE WE MIGHT GET A
VOTE TO ALLOW WITNESSES AND. DOCUMENTS? YES. BUT IT IS ALSO AN UPHILL FIGHT,
AND I WOULDN'T DO ANY DANCES-- JOY DANCES NOW. YES, I WOULD NOT. >> Stephen: (AS SCHUMER)
"I WOULD NOT BE DOING ANY DANCES, JOY DANCES. NOR AM I PREPARED TO EXPEL ANY
MIRTH LAUGHTER OR EXCHANGE ANY LEVITY HIGH-FIVES. I AM CHUCK SCHUMER, AND I AM THE
PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF DESPAIR." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
♪ ♪ ♪ LAST NIGHT, TRUMP GOT AWAY FROM. IMPEACHMENT AND MADE A VISIT TO
THE WILDWOOD BOARDWALK DOWN IN NEW JERSEY. TRUMP PLAYED A SONG IN HIS
SPEECH I THOUGHT I'D NEVER HEAR AGAIN. >> WE ARE NOW BUILDING THAT
BEAUTIFUL WALL. MEXICO IS IN FACT, YOU WILL SOON
FIND OUT, PAYING FOR THE WALL. I'LL HIT YOU WITH THAT. NOW, THE WALL IS ULTIMATELY AND
VERY NICELY BEING PAID FOR BY MEXICO. >> Stephen: DUDE, YOU DON'T NEED
TO KEEP LYING ABOUT MEXICO PAYING FOR THE WALL. THE GIG IS UP. WHEN PARENTS TELL THEIR KIDS
THEY'RE TAKING THEM TO DISNEYLAND AND IT TURNS OUT TO
BE A TRIP TO THE DENTIST, THEY DON'T KEEP TRYING TO CONVINCE
THEM THEY'RE AT DISNEYLAND. "HEY, GOOFY IS REPEATEDLY
JABBING YOU IN THE GUMS WITH A SICKLE PROBE. YOU LOVE GOOFY!"
BLOOD IN THE SINK. ♪ IT'S A ROOT CANAL AFTER ALL
♪ IT'S A ROOT CANAL AFTER ALL ♪ <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. STEVE MARTIN IS HERE. WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!"
I PROMISE. STICK AROUND.
Not the first time they've used music from the game, either. I'd really love to hear full versions of their covers.
https://youtu.be/greLCKTRYm0
John Baptiste loves himself some gamemusic
That's so badass.
I love the show, and it feels like about once every two weeks you can hear something game related when they go to break or play someone in. It's awesome!