WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO
"LATE SHOW"." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SOME OF YOU MAY NOT HAVE
NOTICED, BUT I'M A COMEDIAN. AND IT'S RIGHT THERE ON MY
TAXES. AND AS SUCH, I'VE GOT A LOT OF
COMEDY IDOLS, MANY OF WHOM I'VE HAD THE HONOR TO MEET, THANKS TO
THIS JOB RIGHT OVER THERE: STEVE MARTIN, JOHN CLEESE, ELMO. HE JUST TICKLES ME. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT I'VE GOT A NEW COMEDY IDOL-- THANK YOU. AND MY NEW COMEDY IDOL IS
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY. HE WAS A COMEDIAN, VERY
SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN FOR MANY YEARS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). NORMALLY, I'M AGAINST ELECTING
COMEDIANS TO POLITICAL OFFICE-- AND KEEP IN MIND, I RAN FOR
PRESIDENT TWICE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT THIS GUY IS INSPIRING THE WORLD WITH HIS COURAGE IN THE
FACE OF THE RUSSIAN INVASION, AND LAST NIGHT, HE TOOK HIS
BRAVERY TO A BRAND-NEW LEVEL OF BAD-ASSERY. IN A SPEECH TO THE UKRAINIAN
PEOPLE, HE DECLARED THAT, DESPITE NUMEROUS ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPTS AGAINST HIM IN JUST THE LAST TWO WEEKS, HE'S NOT GOING
ANYWHERE. >> NOW I WILL SAY ONE THING:
I STAY HERE. I STAY IN KYIV. ON BANKOVA STREET. I'M NOT HIDING. AND I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE. >> Stephen: THAT IS SO BRAVE. I AM PERSONALLY INSPIRED BY HIS
EXAMPLE. AND I WANT TO SAY, VLADIMIR
PUTIN, I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU, EITHER. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THIS
COMEDIAN, I'M IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON BROADWAY
IN MANHATTAN... <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
FIVE HOURS AGO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE PRETAPE THE SHOW. MY NAME, SIR-- AND WRITE THIS
DOWN-- IS JAMES CORDEN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME-- I
DON'T CARE! I'LL PUT IT OUT THERE! >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: THIS WAS THE FIRST
TIME SINCE THE INVASION THAT ZELENSKY ADDRESSED THE NATION
FROM HIS PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE, BUT HE STARTED WITH A "WEST
WING"-STYLE WALK AND TALK: >> HERE IS THE EVENING, KYIV. OUR OFFICE, MONDAY EVENING. YOU KNOW, WE USED TO SAY,
"MONDAY IS A HARD DAY." THERE IS A WAR IN THE COUNTRY,
SO EVERY DAY IS MONDAY. >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL AND
RELATABLE WORDS. OF COURSE, ZELENSKY DIDN'T
WRITE THAT HIMSELF. HE'S QUOTING FAMED UKRAINIAN
POET, GARFIELDOMIR DECATSKY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ZELENSKY---- BIG GARFIELDOMIR
FANS ZELENSKY HAS BEGGED THE WESTERN
POWERS TO RAMP UP THE ECONOMIC PAIN ON RUSSIA, AND THIS
MORNING, JOE BIDEN DISHED OUT THE BIGGEST DOSE YET:
>> TODAY, I'M ANNOUNCING THE UNITED STATES IS TARGETING THE
MAN ARTERY OF RUSSIA'S ECONOMY. WE'RE BANNING ALL IMPORTS OF
RUSSIAN OIL AND GAS AND ENERGY. >> Stephen: TAKE THAT, VLAD! AMERICA DOESN'T NEED YOUR
KLEPTO CRUDE! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
AMERICA-- AMERICA IS PERFECTLY HAPPY TO STAY HOME AND
AND FRACK OURSELVES BLIND. THIS IS ANOTHER MASSIVE BLOW TO
THE RUSSIAN ECONOMY, AND BIDEN REMINDED AMERICANS JUST HOW MUCH
DAMAGE WE'VE ALREADY DONE. >> THE RUSSIAN RUBLE IS NOW
DOWN TO 50%, BY 50% SINCE PUTIN ANNOUNCED HIS WAR. ONE RUBLE IS NOW WORTH LESS THAN
ONE AMERICAN PENNY. ONE RUBLE IS LESS THAN ONE
AMERICAN PENNY. >> Stephen: "AND LET ME TELL YA,
JACKOV-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THAT ONE PENNY-- NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS. I'M NOT JEKING HERE. THAT PENNY AIN'T WORTH WHAT IT
USED TO BE. BACK IN SCRANTON IN
19-AUGHT-FORGET-ABOUT-IT, A SHINY LINCOLN WOULD GETCHA TWO
TICKETS TO THE RIALTO TO SEE A TALKIE OF OL' CHUCKY CHAPLIN
GIVIN' THE KAISER THE WHAT-FOR YOU'D STILL HAVE--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> YOU'D STILL HAVE ENOUGH LEFT
OVER TO GO TO THE LUNCHEONETTE FOR A HEARTY BOWL OF TWINE
SOUP. MORE AND MORE COMPANIES ARE
SAYING NYET TO DOING BUSINESS IN RUSSIA. THE LATEST IS McDONALD'S, WHICH
EARLIER TODAY ANNOUNCED THEY'RE TEMPORARILY CLOSING RESTAURANTS
AND PAUSING ALL OPERATIONS IN RUSSIA. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YEAH. YES. RUSSIA JUST BECAME A "NO FRY
ZONE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW-- OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. HITIN THEM HARD. NOW RUSSIANS WILL BE FORCED TO
DO THE UNTHINKABLE: DINE AT THE RUSSIAN ARBY'S-- "WE HAVE THE
BEETS!" <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> TO LASH OUT-- CRISPY CURLS AND
COKE. TO LASH OUT AT A REASONABLE
WORLD THAT HATES PUTIN'S GROTESQUE WAR CRIMES, YESTERDAY,
RUSSIA RELEASED A LIST OF UNFRIENDLY COUNTRIES, INCLUDING
AUSTRALIA, GREAT BRITAIN, CANADA, SOUTH KOREA, AND
THE UNITED STATES. OH, NO! OH, NO! NOT AN UNFRIENDLY LIST! THIS IS THE MOST DEVASTATING
ATTACK SINCE FIDEL CASTRO PUT J.F.K. IN HIS BURN BOOK. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> MEOW. >> Jon: WOW! >> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE
MAJOR POWERS. PUTIN'S LIST ALSO INCLUDES TINY
COUNTRIES LIKE ANDORRA, SAN MARINO, AND MICRONESIA. IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY: THE
ENEMY OF MY ENEMY, IS MY... CRONESIA. IN ADDITION-- THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH. >> Jon: THAT'S FANTASTIC. I LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WE WON A PEABODY. IN ADDITION TO BEING AWESOME,
CLASSIFYING A COUNTRY AS "UNFRIENDLY" IS ALSO AN ECONOMIC
MANEUVER, ALLOWING THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT, COMPANIES, AND
CITIZENS TO TEMPORARILY PAY FOREIGN DEBTS IN RUBLES. NOOOOO! NOT RUBLES! RUBLES ARE WORTHLESS NOW! THIS IS LIKE WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR
BREAKS YOUR LAWNMOWER AND TRIES "DAVE-BUCKS." IT'S NOT MONEY IF
I CAN ONLY USE IT IN YOUR HOUSE, DAVE. ZELENSKY IS NOT THE ONLY
INSPIRING UKRAINIAN. ORDINARY PEOPLE THERE HAVE GIVEN
US SO MANY IMAGES OF HOPE AMID THE HARDSHIP, LIKE THIS VIDEO OF
A LITTLE GIRL IN A BOMB SHELTER IN KYIV SINGING THE RUSSIAN
VERSION OF "LET IT GO." IN KYIV SINGING THE RUSSIAN
VERSION OF "LET IT GO." >> Stephen: THAT LITTLE GIRL IS
AMAZING. <i> ( APPLAUSE ).</i> SHE IS-- THAT'S INCREDIBLE. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON ON THE
PLANET WHO CAN MAKE EVERY PARENT I KNOW SAY, "LET'S LISTEN
TO 'LET IT GO' AGAIN." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SHE'S ALSO INCREDIBLY BRAVE. SHE IS RISKING THE ANGER OF THE
ONLY FORCE SCARIER THAN THE RUSSIAN ARMY: DISNEY LAWYERS. THEY WILL FIND YOU. THEY WILL FIND YOU. THE POLICY IN UKRAINE IS THAT
WHILE MEN AGED 18 TO 60 NEED TO STAY AND FIGHT, WOMEN AND
CHILDREN CAN LEAVE. BUT AS THE WAR ESCALATES, MORE
WOMEN ARE RETURNING, LIKE THIS GROUP OF MOMS, WHO HAD A VERY
TOUGH MESSAGE FOR RUSSIA. >> ( translated ): WE ARE WOMEN
OF UKRAINE. WE HAVE BLESSED OUR MEN TO
PROTECT OUR LAND. WE HAVE ALREADY TAKEN OUR
CHILDREN TO SAFETY. WE JOIN THE MEN AND THE
UKRAINIAN ARMY. >> Stephen: PUTIN, YOU DONE
MESSED UP NOW. YOU MADE THE MOMS MAD. YOU MADE MOM MAD! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YOU CAN'T MAKE MOM MAD. NOBODY-- EVERYBODY-- EVERYBODY
BE KNOWS DON'T MAKE MOMS MAD. MOMS WERE BUILT FOR CONFLICT! THEY CAN FIND ANYTHING, EAT
DINNER IN UNDER 20 SECONDS, AND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
DOING, EVEN IF YOU'RE UPSTAIRS AND COMPLETELY SILENT. IF THEY USE PUTIN'S MIDDLE NAME,
IT IS OVER: "VLADIMIR VLADIMIROVICH PUTIN,
GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN, 'CAUSE I HAVE AN AK-46 AND
WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE." IT'S FITTING TO WATCH THAT VIDEO
ON INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. AND INVASION OR NOT--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> AND INVASION OR NOT, THE MEN OF
UKRAINE ARE STILL MARKING THE OCCASION. >> TODAY, BY THE WAY, IS THE 8th
OF MARCH, AND THIS IS THE WOMEN'S DAY. THE DAY IS PRETTY MUCH-- A LOT
CELEBRATED IN UKRAINE. AND TODAY IS SOME MAN FROM THE
TERRITORIAL DEFENSE UNIT, THEY CAME TO THE BOMB SHELTER
WITH A LOT OF FLOWERS. THE GUYS JUST BROUGHT IT TO US. >> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL--
FLOWERS IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR ZONE. AMERICAN MEN--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> AMERICAN MEN, YOU GOTTA STEP IT
UP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE WILL NO LONGER BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR
TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY,
SAYING, "HEY, TURNS OUT THERE'S AN INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY! ARE YOU INTERNATIONAL? YOU'RE NATIONAL, RIGHT? YOU'RE NOT INTERNATIONAL. I DIDN'T MISS, ANY RIGHT,
BECAUSE YOU LIVE HERE." SO MANY UKRAINIAN CITIZENS ARE
DOING THEIR PART TO RESIST PUTIN'S AGGRESSION. CASE IN POINT: OVER THE WEEKEND,
WHEN AN ADVISOR TO THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT TWEETED, "IN KYIV A
WOMAN KNOCKED DOWN A RUSSIAN DRONE FROM A BALCONY WITH A JAR
OF CUCUMBERS. HOW DID THEY EXPECT TO OCCUPY
THIS COUNTRY?" THAT'S RIGHT! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
UKRAINIAN-- UKRAINIAN GRANDMOTHERS HAVE
WEAPONIZED PICKLES! AND THEY'RE NOT GHERKIN AROUND. HERE'S THE DILL-EO: MESS WITH
UKRAINE, AND THEY'LL RELISH THE OPPORTUNITY TO HIT YOU WITH A
PICKLE SPEAR, OR EVEN WORSE, DROP A TACTICAL CUKE. <i> ( APPLAUSE ).</i> >> Jon: AAAH! YEAH! >> Stephen: CORNICHON. ONE WRINKLE: NOBODY WAS ABLE TO
VERIFY THE PICKLE STORY, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WROTE IT OFF AS AN
URBAN LEGEND. BUT THEN THE UKRAINIAN NEWS SITE
liga.net DID THE PULITZER- AND PICKLE-WORTHY JOURNALISM AND
TRACKED THE WOMAN DOWN. AND IT TURNS OUT, SADLY, THE
STORY WAS NOT TRUE. THE WOMAN WANTS TO SET THE
RECORD STRAIGHT: THOSE WERE NOT PICKLED CUCUMBERS. SHE ACTUALLY KNOCKED DOWN THE
RUSSIAN DRONE WITH A JAR OF PICKLED TOMATOES. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>>Jon: WITH TOMATOES. >> Stephen: WHICH MEANS I'VE
GOTTA UPDATE MY JOKES: PUTIN'S NEVER GOING TO KETCHUP
WHEN THE BEEFSTEAKS ARE THIS HIGH. THERE'S MARI-NARY A CHANCE HE
CAN STOP THE HEIR-LOOMING INSURGENCY. IT'S TIME TO SHOW HIM THE
POMODOOR-O SO HE CAN BRUSCHETT-OUTTA THERE. TOMATO, TOMAHTO, INVADO,
INVAHDO, HE SHOULD JUST CALL THE WHOLE WAR OFF. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JOHN C. REILLY
AND BROADWAY STAR KRISTIN CHENOWETH. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE"! JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
