WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i><font color="#FF00FF">
ADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S 4/20.</font> AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. THAT'S RIFHT, IT'S NATIONAL LIMA
BEAN RESPECT DAY! THAT'S RIGHT! THE WORLD'S MOST RESPECTABLE
EDIBLE! TODAY'S ALL ABOUT GETTING
BAKED... BEANS. REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE
LIMA BEANS TODAY. BUT YOU DAMN SURE BETTER RESPECT
THEM. YOU TAKE OFF YOUR HAT WHEN YOU
EAT THAT BEAN, MISTER! BEANS, BEANS THE MAGICAL FRUIT,
THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU SALUTE! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW... I'M SERIOUS. AS WE ALWAYS DO ON THIS SOLEMN
DAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE OFFICIAL LIMA BEAN RESPECT DAY
TIMELINE. AS YOU CAN SEE, IN THE 1500s,
LIMA BEANS ARE DISCOVERED. NEXT MAJOR EVENT--
2000s: NATIONAL LIMA BEAN RESPECT DAY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
JUST THOSE TWO. JUST THOSE TWO. THEY SPENT THE 500 YEARS IN
BETWEEN GETTING SHOVED UNDER THE MASHED POTATOES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, FOR THOSE LESS RESPECTFUL OF BEAN, 4/20 IS ALSO THE
UNOFFICIAL HOLIDAY FOR MARIJUANA. NOW--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i> OKAY. TIME FOR ALL YOU DOOBIE-LOVIN'
POTHEADS TO GET UP TO YOUR USUAL SMOKEY HIJINKS: FOLDING LAUNDRY
AND HOPING HALF A GUMMY WILL HELP YOU FALL ASLEEP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> PARTY! THIS YEAR IS A A BIG ONE FOR
4/20, BECAUSE NEW POLLING SHOWS 37% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY USE
WEED, WHILE THE REMAINING 63% SAY THEY WERE JUST HOLDING IT
FOR A FRIEND. AND THE TIDE SEEMS TO BE TURNING
ON LEGALIZATION. TWO-THIRDS OF AMERICANS WANT
RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA USE TO BE LEGAL UNDER FEDERAL LAW AND IN
THEIR OWN STATE. NOW--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> IF YOU SMOKE, OBVIOUSLY, YOU
WANT IT TO BE LEGAL. BUT EVEN AMONG THOSE WHO SAY
THEY NEVER USE MARIJUANA, A MAJORITY FAVOR LEGALIZATION. WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE. MARIJUANA IS TAME COMPARED TO
OTHER CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES. ITS MOST DANGEROUS SIDE EFFECT
IS MAKING HACKY SACK SEEM LIKE A SPORT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
LEGALIZING MARIJUANA COULD ALSO HELP FIGHT RACISM, BECAUSE BLACK
PEOPLE ARE 264% MORE LIKELY THAN WHITE PEOPLE TO BE ARRESTED FOR
CANNABIS POSSESSION, EVEN THOUGH THEY USE AT SIMILAR RATES. OKAY, THAT STAT COMES FROM A
TRUE AUTHORITY ON RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA: THE TWITTER FEED OF
BEN & JERRY'S. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOU CAN TRUST-- YOU CAN TRUST THAT INFORMATION, BECAUSE NO ONE
KNOWS CANNABIS LIKE THE GUYS WHO INVENTED PHISH FOOD, CHERRY
GARCIA AND STEPHEN COLBERT'S AMERICONE DREAM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). THERE YOU GO. OH, YEAH. THERE YOU GO. MMM. MMM. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
MY GLAUCOMA IS GETTING BETTER ALREADY. ALL PROCEEDS TO CHARITY. OF COURSE, THE TRIPPIEST TRUTH
ABOUT MARIJUANA IS THAT EVEN THOUGH IT'S LEGAL IN 37 STATES,
RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA USE REMAINS ILLEGAL AT THE FEDERAL
LEVEL, BECAUSE G.O.P. LAWMAKERS STILL OPPOSE LEGALIZING WEED. COME ON, MITCH McCONNELL! DON'T BE A SQUARE. OR WHATEVER SHAPE YOU ARE<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> I WANT TO SAY... DECORATIVE GOURD? <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ONE--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THERE YOU GO. ( BLEEP ). THERE YOU GO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). MY DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ONE OF THE
BEST SOURCES OF WAFFLE CONE CHUNK. ONE BRIGHT SPARK IN THIS WEEK'S
NEWS-BOWL IS THAT NEW JERSEY IS ABOUT TO BEGIN ADULT
RECREATIONAL CANNABIS SALES. THAT IS EXCITING NEWS, BUT IT
MEANS NEW YORKERS WILL HAVE TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE: DRIVE TO NEW
JERSEY ON PURPOSE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE MOVE IS OVERWHELMINGLY SUPPORTED BY STATE RESIDENTS,
WHO CAN NOW LOOK FORWARD TO JERSEY-SPECIFIC STRAINS LIKE:
JON BONG JOVI, BRUCE SPRINGSTRAIN,
JOINT STEWART, AND OF COURSE,
STONEY SOPRANO'S GANJAGOO <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE WEIRDEST PART--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE WEIRDEST PART OF THIS STORY
IS THAT JERSEY WILL START SALES TOMORROW, ON 4/21, THE DAY
AFTER 4/20! WHAT ARE THEY, HIGH? HAD<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> THAT'S NOT LEGAL 'TIL TOMORROW! BUT NOT EVERYBODY IN THE
HYDROPONIC GARDEN STATE MIGHT GET TO ENJOY THE MARY JANE,
BECAUSE AT A PRESS CONFERENCE, NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR PHIL MURPHY
SAID HE'S OPEN TO CHANGING THE RULES TO EFFECTIVELY BAR POLICE
OFFICERS FROM GETTING HIGH WHILE THEY'RE OFF DUTY. IT'S ALL PART OF GOVERNOR
MURPHY'S PLAN TO DEFUND THE POLICE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT, YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SURE. WHY NOT? I'M NOT SURE THAT WAS WORTH
THAT. NOT SURE THAT WAS WORTH THAT. BUT YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL IF
YOU'RE GETTING YOUR CANNABIS IN THE FORM OF EDIBLES, BECAUSE
EXPERTS SAY COPYCAT PACKAGING OF POPULAR SNACKS COULD LEAD TO
DANGEROUS MIX-UPS WITH YOUR EDIBLES. TAKE A LOOK AT ONE THESE
PACKAGES: THOSE AREN'T REGULAR DORITOS YOU
EAT WHEN YOU'RE HIGH. THEY'RE DORITOS YOU EAT WHEN
YOU WANT TO GET HIGH. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WENT
WITH "NACHO CHEESE" FLAVOR AND COMPLETELY MISSED THE OBVIOUS:
"ARE YOU COOL?... RANCH." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SNACK MAKERS ARE NOT HAPPY. ONE SPOKESPERSON FOR THE
NATIONAL CONFECTIONERS ASSOCIATION, WHICH IS A REAL
THING, SAID THIS: "MANY CANNABIS EDIBLES COMPANIES
ARE OVERSTEPPING ON MARKETING IN AN EGREGIOUS WAY." CAREFUL. WE'VE ALL SEEN WHAT HAPPENS TO
PEOPLE WHO PISS OFF CANDY MAKERS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).</i> I NEED A CUP OF COFFEE. I NEED--<i>
( CHEERING )</i> NOW, NOT ALL THE "NUGS" ARE
"DIGGITY-DANK," AS THE COOL KIDS DEFINITELY SAY. IN FACT, THE FOLKS AT "VICE
NEWS" DECIDED TO LOOK FOR THE WORST WEED IN THE WORLD, WHICH
IS EVIDENTALLY A PARAGUAYAN VARIETY CALLED "PARAGUAYO." IT'S COMPACTED INTO A BRICK TO
MAKE IT EASIER TO SMUGGLE, OFTEN MIXED WITH MARMALADE TO
HELP IT STICK TOGETHER AND COMPACT. MARMALADE MARIJUANA IS, OF
COURSE, THE KIND FAVORED BY "POTTINGTON BEAR." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AND IF JAMMY GANJA WASN'T GROSS ENOUGH, THE GANGS WHO PRESS THE
BRICKS REGULARLY LEAVE THE SEEDS INSIDE, WHICH RELEASE A
URINE-ISH SMELL INTO THE MARIJUANA, WHICH COULD BE TOUGH
TO EXPLAIN. <i> ( AS MOM, SNIFFING )</i>
"MATTHEW? ARE YOU SMOKING WEED IN THERE?"<i>
( AS KID )</i> "NO, MOM! IT'S FINE! ME AND MY BUDDIES ARE
PEEING ON EACH OTHER! IT'S FOR RAY SCHOOL PROJECT!"
CONGRESS, CONGRESS-- THIS WOULD BE A GREAT YEAR TO LEGALIZE
CANNABIS NATIONALLY. BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL NEED A
LITTLE SOMETHING TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF. SO FAR, THIS YEAR'S ALL EDGE. FOR INSTANCE, WE ARE ALMOST
EIGHT WEEKS INTO PUTIN'S ATTACK ON UKRAINE. AFTER A BRIEF LULL, RUSSIA
LAUNCHED A MASSIVE ASSAULT ON THE EASTERN DONBAS REGION THAT
THE KREMLIN CALLS "ANOTHER PHASE" OF ITS UKRAINE INVASION. OH, SURE, JUST ANOTHER PHASE
PUTIN IS GOING THROUGH. THIS YEAR IT'S WAR CRIMES. LAST YEAR IT WAS GOTH. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SINCE INVADING, RUSSIA HAS TAKEN HEAVY LOSSES, BOTH MILITARILY
AND ECONOMICALLY AND, REPORTEDLY, KREMLIN INSIDERS ARE
NOW ALARMED OVER THE GROWING TOLL OF PUTIN'S WAR IN UKRAINE. CAREFUL. KREMLIN INSIDERS HAVE A WAY OF
BECOMING KREMLIN OUTSIDERS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE SITTING
NEAR A WINDOW. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, TO AVOID HEARING FROM A BUNCH OF DIMITRI DOWNERS, PUTIN
HAS ISOLATED HIMSELF FURTHER, RELYING ON A NARROWING CIRCLE OF
HARDLINE ADVISERS. ONLY THE MOST FEARED AND
DESPISED REMAIN AROUND PUTIN'S GIANT TABLE: JOSEPH STALIN'S
MUSTACHE, THE GUY WHO KILLED JOHN WICK'S DOG, SHAKE FROM
"LOVE IS BLIND," "BRIDGERTON'S LORD
FEATHERINGTON, THE MYPILLOW GUY,
BUT, OF COURSE, PUTIN'S CRUELEST ADVISER... IS POTATO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SPEAKING-- LONG WALK. LONG WALK. >> Jon:
♪ I'M WALKING, YES INDEED. >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF COUCH
POTATOES: NETFLIX. TODAY, THEIR STOCK PRICE DROPPED
OVER 35% AFTER THEY ANNOUNCED THEY HAD LOST 200,000
SUBSCRIBERS. THAT'S A LOT! EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED
THEIR POP-UP MESSAGE FROM "ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?"
TO "COME BACK! PLEASE! I CAN CHANGE! DO YOU WANT DVDs AGAIN?!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> NETFLIX IS BLAMING THE LOSS OF
SUBSCRIBERS ON A COMBINATION OF FACTORS, LIKE THE GROWTH OF
COMPETITIVE SERVICES. YEAH, THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY GAME
IN TOWN ANYMORE. IT USED TO BE JUST "NETFLIX AND
CHILL." NOW YOU CAN "HBO MAX AND RELAX,"
"HULU AND WOO-HOO," AND "PEACOCK." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NETFLIX, USED TO-- USED TO GO--
REALLY? REALLY? I'M SURPRISED. SLIGHTLY SURPRISED. NETFLIX USED TO BE THE GO-TO
SPOT FOR BIG TV AND FILM, BUT NOW, OTHER STREAMERS HAVE TAKEN
BACK A LOT OF STUFF THAT USED TO RUN ON NETFLIX AND PUT IT ON
THEIR OWN SERVICES. YEAH, LIKE "STAR TREK." THAT USED TO BE ON NETFLIX, AND
NOW IT'S EXCLUSIVELY ON PARAMOUNT+
PARAMOUNT+, A MOUNTAIN OF RERUNS WE NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D PAY FOR. NETFLIX IS ALSO BLAMING THE
SUBSCRIBER SLOWDOWN ON PASSWORD SHARING AND VOWING TO
CRACK DOWN. WHAT?! ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU HAVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO USE
YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND'S PASSWORD UNTIL SHE GETS MARRIED. THEN YOU RETURN IT TO HER AS A
WEDDING GIFT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT,
MY GUESTS ARE ALEXANDER SKARSGARD AND MUSICIAN JACK
WHITE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE
HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH IS SAD THANKS TO RON DeSANTIS. STICK AROUND, FRIENDS.
