WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S MONDAY, UNLESS YOU'RE CHRIS ROCK, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE HE
GOT SLAPPED INTO NEXT WEEK. ( RIM SHOT )
>> Stephen: EARLY IN THE MONOLOGUE FOR A RIM SHOT. THANK YOU. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT,
LAST NIGHT CHRIS WAS PRESENTING THE OSCAR FOR BEST DOCUMENTARY,
AND HE MADE AN UNFLATTERING JOKE ABOUT JADA PINKETT SMITH THAT
HER HUSBAND, WILL, APPARENTLY DID NOT LIKE. WHAT MAKES ME THINK THAT? THIS. >> WOW. WOW. WILL SMITH JUST SMACKED THE
( BLEEP ) OUT OF ME. >> STEPHEN: WOW, INDEED. THAT'S THE WORST THING WILL
SMITH HAS EVER DONE. WAIT, I FORGOT ABOUT "WILD, WILD
WEST." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) HE'S NOT HERE, IS HE? ( LAUGHTER )
I'M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY. THE WORST THING HE'S EVER DONE
IS "GEMINI MAN." ( LAUGHTER )
SOMEONE SHOULD SLAP BOTH OF THE GUYS IN THAT MOVIE. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS GOING TO GO DOWN IN OSCAR HISTORY AS ONE OF THE MOST
CHAOTIC MOMENTS. UP THERE WITH THE STREAKER
BEHIND DAVID NIVEN IN '74, BRANDO SENDING UP SACHEEN
LITTLEFEATHER IN '73, AND 1959 WHEN TONY CURTIS SACK-TAPPED BOB
HOPE. ( LAUGHTER )
LET ME SAY SOMETHING AS AN OBJECTIVE OBSERVER: IT'S NEVER
OK TO PUNCH A COMEDIAN. ( APPLAUSE )
WHERE DO I FIND THE COURAGE? I'VE GOT TO SAY, WILL SMITH WAS
OFFENDED BY THE JOKE AND WANTED TO STAND UP TO HIS WIFE. FINE. CHALLENGE CHRIS TO A DUEL OR, IF
YOU REALLY WANT TO HIT HIM: DON'T LAUGH. IT HURTS MORE THAN A PUNCH. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THIS DOES PROVE ONE THING. CHRIS ROCK CAN TAKE A PUNCH. WE'RE THE SAME AGE. HE'S A 57 YEAR OLD COMEDIAN. LOOK AT THIS:
POW! CHRIS SHAKES IT OFF WITH ONE
STEP! WILL SMITH TRAINED FOR MONTHS TO
PLAY MOHAMMED ALI. I HAVE MET WILL SMITH. I HAVE SPOKEN TO HIM RIGHT OVER
THERE. HE'S GOT A HAND LIKE A FLANK
STEAK. IF WILL WANTED TO HIT SOMEBODY,
HE SHOULD HAVE PICKED SOMEBODY MORE APPROPRIATE, LIKE
JASON MOMOA OR LIZA MINNELLI. ( LAUGHTER )
AT THIS POINT, SHE'S CLEARLY UNKILLABLE. SHE'S GOING TO LIVE FOREVER. ( LAUGHTER )
TODAY WE LEARNED THAT CHRIS ISN'T PRESSING CHARGES. THAT'S BIG OF HIM. BUT OF COURSE, THIS IS
HOLLYWOOD, AND THERE ARE RULES. YOU CAN'T JUST STORM A STAGE,
PHYSICALLY ASSAULT SOMEONE ON CAMERA, AND THEN GO BACK TO YOUR
SEAT. THERE HAVE TO BE CONSEQUENCES --
LIKE WINNING THE OSCAR FOR BEST ACTOR AND RECEIVING A STANDING
OVATION, THEN PARTYING ALL NIGHT. WHO SAYS HOLLYWOOD SENDS A BAD
TO OUR KIDS? (AS PARENT)
"YOU SEE THAT JOHNNY. YOU SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS WITH
VIOLENCE, EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU AND GIVE YOU GOLDEN STATUES. NOW, OFF TO THE AFTER-PARTY
MISTER -- YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF YOUR OWN MUSIC TO DANCE TO YOU
GO GET JIGGY WITH IT." GO GET JIGGY! GO, GO! HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS CARS. EVERYBODY GOT 'EM! WANT TO SEE CLEAR STRAIGHT TO
THE BOTTOM! YOU ARE GOING TO MIAMI! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT CELEBRITY-ON CELEBRITY VIOLENCE,
APPARENTLY YOU LOVE IT, BECAUSE THE OSCAR'S RATINGS SHOWED A
56% IMPROVEMENT. SO GET READY FOR NEXT YEAR'S
95TH ACADEMY AWARD OSCAR SLAPTACULAR DEATH MATCH. FIVE NOMINEES ENTER, ONE EXITS. RIDICULOUS! RIDICULOUS! RIDICULOUS! ACROSS THE GLOBE IN UKRAINE,
PUTIN'S CRIMINAL WAR CONTINUES TO GRIND AHEAD, BUT FOR RUSSIA,
IT HASN'T BEEN A CAKEWALK. OR AS THEY CALL IT, A TURNIP
JOG. ( LAUGHTER )
OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS RUSSIAN FORCES HAVE SUFFERED
HEAVY LOSSES AND HAVE BEEN THWARTED IN THEIR PRIMARY
OBJECTIVES: TO CONTROL THE COUNTRY'S MAIN CITIES, INCLUDING
KYIV. SO, THE RUSSIAN MILITARY
ANNOUNCED A CHANGE OF STRATEGY. OVER THE WEEKEND, RUSSIA SAID
THE FIRST PHASE OF THE WAR IS OVER. YES! OVER! EVERYTHING'S GOING ACCORDING TO
PLAN. THAT PLAN? (RUSSIAN)
"PHASE ONE: WE LOSE. PHASE TWO: WAR IS OVER." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE WIN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I DON'T HAVE THE KNEES FOR IT. INSTEAD OF TOPPLING KYIV,
EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT RUSSIA'S NEW OBJECTIVE IS TO SPLIT THE
COUNTRY BETWEEN REGIONS IT CONTROLS AND REGIONS IT DOES
NOT. YOU KNOW YOU'RE STARTING TO
SCARE THE SCHOOL BULLY WHEN HE GOES FROM
(AS BULLY) "GIMMIE YOUR LUNCH MONEY" TO
(AS BULLY, WINCING) "TELL YA WHAT, YOU KEEP YOUR
LUNCH MONEY, I'LL KEEP MY LUNCH MONEY, AND I'LL LIMIT MY WEDGIES
TO YOUR BUTT'S EASTERN REGIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BIDEN TRAVELED TO EUROPE TO SHOW
SUPPORT FOR UKRAINE AND RALLY WORLD ALLIES. THE PRESIDENT GAVE A STIRRING
SPEECH IN WARSAW, THEN ENDED IT WITH A LITTLE AD-LIB, A
FREE-BALL, A LIL' MAKE 'EM UP THAT WAS 100% PURE SCRAPPY
SCRANTON: >> UKRAINE WILL NEVER BE A
VICTORY FOR RUSSIA -- FOR FREE PEOPLE REFUSE TO LIVE IN A WORLD
OF HOPELESSNESS AND DARKNESS. FOR GOD'S SAKE, THIS MAN CANNOT
REMAIN IN POWER. (AS BIDEN)
"C'MON JACK, I KNOW I'M NOT S'POSED TO SAY IT, BUT PUTIN'S
-- LET'S JUST -- LET'S JUST -- I'M JUST -- I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO
SAY IT, BUT PUTIN'S GOTTA HOP THE NEXT CHOO-CHOO TO
GOODBYE JUNCTION I'M SHOOTIN' STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP
REPLACEMENT, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY OTHER STUFF. WE'RE ALL THINKIN' CHRIS ROCK
WAS OUTTA LINE. IF HE MADE A CRACK ABOUT DOCTOR
JILL, I'D HAVE JUMPED UP ON THAT STAGE AND GIVEN HIS FINGER A
GOOD CHOMP DOWN TO KNUCKLE NUMBER 2, THEN I'D WIN THE OSCAR
FOR MOST TEETH. C'MON, WANDA!"
NOW, OFFICIALLY, AMERICAN POLICY IS NOT TO CALL FOR REGIME
CHANGE, SO THIS WAS A BIT OF A GAFFE. BUT WHEN YOU'VE ALREADY CALLED
SOMEONE A WAR CRIMINAL, IT WOULD SEEM WEIRD IF YOU ALSO THOUGHT
THEY SHOULD KEEP THEIR JOB. THERE'S A REASON WINSTON
CHURCHILL DIDN'T SAY THIS: >> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE
BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE LANDING GROUNDS, BUT LET'S
PUMP THE BRAKES ON REPLACING HITLER AS CHANCELLOR. EVERYONE DESERVES A MULLIGAN
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: ON SUNDAY, SECRETARY
OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN TRIED TO WALK BACK THE PRESIDENT'S
REMARKS. >> AS YOU KNOW AND YOU'VE HEARD
US SAY REPEATEDLY, WE DO NOT HAVE A STRATEGY OF REGIME CHANGE
IN RUSSIA OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. >> STEPHEN: INTERESTING POINT. HERE WITH A REBUTTAL IS
-- WE DO NOT HAVE A STRATEGY OF REGIME CHANGE IN RUSSIA OR
ANYWHERE ELSE. INTERESTING POINT. HERE WITH A REBUTTAL IS SADDAM
HUSSEIN'S HEAD IN A BOX. PRESIDENT HUSSEIN, IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE THE SAY? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THERE ARE SOME EXCEPTIONS. WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE OFFICIALLY
TRYING TO REPLACE PUTIN, AMERICA AND ITS ALLIES CONTINUE TO
SANCTION HIS NIPPLES DOWN TO THE NUB. AND HE'S PUSHING BACK. OVER THE WEEKEND, HE GAVE A
SPEECH IN WHICH HE TOOK UP THE CONSERVATIVE TALKING POINT THAT
OPPOSING HIS WAR IS CANCEL CULTURE. (AS PUTIN)
"THEY WILL CANCEL MOTHER RUSSIA JUST LIKE THEY DID MR. POTATO
HEAD'S BEAUTIFUL PENIS. HIS PENIS -- IS POTATO. ( LAUGHTER )
GET THAT OUT THERE. DISTURBING TO LOOK AT THAT BOX
FOR TOO LONG. ( LAUGHTER )
PUTIN ALSO COMPARED HIMSELF TO HARRY POTTER AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING, WHO'S COME UNDER FIRE
FOR REPEATEDLY TWEETING ANTI-TRANS SENTIMENTS. VLAD SAID:
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) "NOT SO LONG AGO, THEY CANCELED
CHILDREN'S AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING WHOSE BOOKS WERE SPREAD ALL OVER
THE WORLD IN THE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF COPIES, BECAUSE SHE
DID NOT PLEASE FANS OF SO-CALLED GENDER FREEDOMS. TODAY THEY ARE TRYING TO ABOLISH
AN ENTIRE 1,000-YEAR-OLD COUNTRY, OUR PEOPLE." NO SURPRISE PUTIN LIKES J.K. ROWLING. HE'S INDEBTED TO HER EVER SINCE
SHE GAVE HIM THE SOCK THAT SET HIM FREE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APLAUSE ) THAT WAS A LONG WALK, RIGHT? BUT WORTH IT. >> Jon: THAT'S A LONG WALK. WOTH THE WAIT. WORTH THE WALK. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BACK CLOSER TO HOME, THERE'S MORE
DUMB STUFF COMING OUT OF THE MOUTH OF NORTH CAROLINA
REPUBLICAN AND FRAT BRO TELLING THE PLEDGES WHERE TO SHOVE THAT
WRIGGLING GOLDFISH, MADISON CAWTHORN. CAWTHORN RECENTLY APPEARED ON
SOMETHING CALLED, "THE WARRIOR POET SOCIETY." SOUNDS RIDICULOUS, BUT I HAVE A
LOT OF RESPECT FOR WARRIOR POETS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT
TAKES TO WRITE A SONNET WITH AN AR-15? GU GU GU GU GU -- GU GU GU GU G-
COMPARE THEE -- GU GU GU GU GU GU GU GU GU -- GU GU GU GU G-
COMPARE THEE -- GU GU GU GU GU --
( APPLAUSE ) ON THE SOCIETY, CAWTHORN
EXPLAINED WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER MEET YOUR HEROES. >> THE SEXUAL PERVERSION THAT
GOES ON IN WASHINGTON, I MEAN BEING IT KIND OF A YOUNG GUY IN
WASHINGTON WITH THE AVERAGE AGE PROBABLY 60 OR 70 - AND I LOOK
AT ALL THESE PEOPLE AND A LOT OF THEM THAT I'VE LOOKED UP TO
THROUGH MY LIFE, ALWAYS PAID ATTENTION TO POLITICS, GUYS
THAT- THEN ALL THE SUDDEN YOU GET INVITED TO, LIKE, WELL HEY,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL GET TOGETHER AT ONE OF
OUR HOMES, YOU SHOULD COME AND I'M, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK
ME TO COME TO? AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE
ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY. >> STEPHEN: YEAH, IT TOOK HIM A
SECOND TO REALIZE IT WAS AN ORGY BECAUSE SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER IS
SO SUBTLE. ( LAUGHTER )
COME (WINKS)
NAKED AND READY FOR (WINKS)
SEX WITH YOUR (WINKS)
PENIS. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, CAWTHORN DOESN'T NAME NAMES. BUT HE'S A STAUNCH MAGA
REPUBLICAN, SO I DOUBT HE'S GETTING INVITED TO THE
DEMOCRATIC ORGIES. AND THE STRANGELY FOLKSY NATURE
OF SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER MEANS HE MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THE FAMED
REPUBLICAN FLESH PIT: CHUCK GRASSLEY'S ASS JAMBOREE. (AS GRASSLEY)
"WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER. THERE'LL BE SOME SCREWING AND
CHEWING, SOME POKING AND STROKING; SOME YANKING AND
SPANKING. THERE'S GONNA BE VARIOUS JELLIES
ON VARIOUS BELLIES. AND FISHSTICKS. SO GRAB A NAME TAG AND SOME
NIPPLE CLAMPS AND GO RIGHT IN. I'M CHUCK GRASSLEY, AND I
APPROVE THIS MASSAGE." ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE CHRIS WALLACE AND
NCIS' WILMER VALDERRAMA. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
