- She goes, "OK, I'll
tell you what. If you want "we can try to do it without
the condom, but, we do it like, "you know, VIP entrance.
Like do it in the butt." And I was like, "Is that
something you want to do?" And she was, "I don't
know, maybe. I mean, "do you want to do it?" And I was like, "Yes." (rock music) (audience claps) Here is the show,
it's very simple. Just a bunch of funny people, we're all telling true stories. - [Announcer] Ladies and
gentleman, Ari Shaffir. (audience claps) - I'm gonna tell a story,
um, how shall I relate this? You know, Christmas is coming, (audience laughs) I don't know how to put this
nicely. I'm gonna tell a story about the worst anal
sex I've ever had. There's no real nice
way to say this. How are you? Thanks for coming. (audience laughs) It's not that graphic. So
if you're worried about it being graphic, the lady
with the tattoos is definitely not worried about
it being graphic. I love seeing somebody
with a sleeve of tattoos, because if you see that, there's one thing you can
guarantee, not a virgin. (audience laughs) Here's my thoughts
on anal sex. One, I'm not really a fan of it,
'cause my thought is only one out of like twelve girls
likes that, and the other 11 may or may not do it
to please their dude, but I don't want to have
sex with a girl whose face is like this the whole time. So, either you're
into it or you're not. We don't have to do it. So I was doing it with this
girl one time, regular sex, O.G. in the vagina.
You know, classic Coke. And we were doing it, and
after literally two minutes two minutes into it, she got
mad at me because I didn't finish yet. She took it
as some sort of commentary on her performance. Or she had
to watch some, I don't know, made-for-TV movie or
something. I don't know. Maybe Desperate
Housewives is coming on. But she was like, I'm
telling you, two minutes, she pulls me out, rolls over,
and just goes, "We're done." And I was like,
"What's this position? "Cause it's the worst position." And she goes, "You're not
attracted to me. If you haven't "finished yet, that means
you're not attracted to me." And I was like, "You know
who disagrees with that? "My god damn boner right now,
that's pointing at your vagina "and quivering, like
two sticks in the desert "pointing at water.
It's like that." (audience laughs) Not to mention, I almost
came in like 30 seconds. When I suddenly stopped
moving there for a while, what did you think
was happening? I don't want to blow it for
any dudes, but like when we just stop moving
in the middle of sex, there's a reason for that. I felt that moment where
it just feels way too good, and it hasn't been long
enough, so you're like, going strong, you're like,
"Yeah." Then all of a sudden it's like (grunts), and
that's how I was with her. It was like going strong,
it was like "Don't move, "don't move, don't move. I said "don't fucking move.
I'm serious right now. "It's game time." I was like, "What do I do?"
So I looked back at a clock to see how long it had
been, and it was 11:48, and I know I started at 11:47. So, best case scenario, it had
been a minute and 59 seconds. That's the most I
could have hoped for. So I just stopped moving.
But most women can tell if you go from like, (gestures) Unless you saw a bear, like
why are you acting that way? So I had to think of a
reason why I suddenly stopped moving, so I was just looking
at her, and I was like, "I just wanna, I just
wanna look in your eyes. "So romantic. It's like
two souls becoming one. We're intwine for all eternit-
oh we're back. We're back. "OK good. Forget whatever I
said, just forget all that, "because none of it matters." So don't tell me I'm
not attracted to you. That's ridiculous. So after
like 30 minutes of arguing, she was finally like, "OK fine.
Fine, we can do it again." But by then, my boner
was fucking gone. Arguing isn't great for a
hard on. So, it went from like a full boner, down to like... Do you guys know
what a chubby is? Are you familiar with all
the genus of hard ons? A chubby is like, it's not
any harder or any longer than a completely nothing
dick, but, it's just a little bit fatter. It's not not a hard
on, but it's also not a it just looks like a kid
whose parents don't trust him to swim alone. So, we can do it, but
there's no way we're gonna do it with a condom. It wasn't
going to work with a condom. And we were definitely
going to use a condom, 'cause she was
pro-life. And to me, there's no worse
STD than a baby. That's the worse one there is. There's a cure, but
it's pretty illegal. So it just wasn't going
to happen. You can still squeeze the base to get it
in, but it just doesn't work with a condom. So, she goes,
"OK, I'll tell you what. "If you want, we can try to
do it without the condom, "but, we do it like,
you know, VIP entrance, "Like do it in the
butt." And I was like, "Is that something you want
to do?" And she was like, "I don't know, maybe. I
mean, do you want to do it?" And I was like, "Yes. Yes,
I absolutely want to do it "to your butt. Look at my
face, big one noted here, "yes I want to do it." And she
was like, "OK, we can do it, "but don't jam it in there."
And I'm like, "I'm not gonna "jam it in. I'm not going to
line up like in a three-point "stance, and like (grunts)." Like I have some class, alright. Well, we're doing anal I guess, But, ah, so I got that one
bottle of lube that everybody keeps by their bed stand for
ten years, and it's still half full, and so
I put some on her, and I put some on myself.
And then I looked away, cause it's disgusting
what I'm about to do. It's true. The
Bible is very clear. It's not allowed. So I sort of looked away,
and I tried to feel for it, and it went "bloop"
it went right in. It did not make
the noise "bloop." It did go right in. And it
felt great, it felt amazing. What I didn't realize is that I was accidentally
inside of her vagina. Yeah, which I believe
is a first time any guy has even tried to go in
the wrong way to that way. It happens to the other way
all the time, or almost does and the only way you know is
by the woman ever so gently she's always gentle, they
lean back, and they go, "No! No! "No, I will not." It's like, "Alright, I'm
sorry. It's dark in here. "Why is your shit so
close together? It's like "that far apart. It
doesn't make any sense. "I can't be the first guy
to have this happen to you." So, anyway, no idea where
I was, no idea I was inside her vagina. And it came time,
I was doing it, and it came time to "bla" or whatever. And I just did it, I just went. No condom or anything.
And she just stopped, she looks up at me, and she
goes, "Did you just... "Did you just come inside me?
I don't want to get pregnant." And I didn't even know what
was going on. I was like, "Pregnant? What, are you
Mexican? You can't get pregnant from anal
sex. There's no way." Like I couldn't wrap my
head around it. I was like, "Yeah, I came inside you, I
thought that's the protocol. "I've never done this before.
I thought I was supposed to "do it inside your
butt, at which point, "it becomes your responsibly. (audience laughs) "And then, at your
earliest convenience "I guess you're supposed to
go shit it out, or something." It seems gross. I would never
choose that for my own butt, but that's the call she wanted
to make. So (speaks Hebrew) That's where the
Jews are sitting, That's the only way they
would get that joke. So, we realized what
had happened. It
was like, "Oh fuck." Like I did the exact wrong
thing that I did not want to do. And we realized it, and so
we got the Morning After Pill the next day. We
went halfies on it. (audience laughs) I'm a feminist, bro, it
means we're both responsible, we can both pay. So, but
the whole next week she was trying to make it seem
like it was all my fault. Like she wasn't to blame at all. She was like, "Idiot.
Stupid fucking stoner idiot. "Didn't you think you got
in there kind of easily? "Didn't that dawn on your
stupid fucking pothead brain? "You went right into my butt
with no problem whatsoever." And I was like, "Yes,
actually. I noticed it. "It registered. I just assumed
that you were a huge whore." It wasn't like I didn't
notice, as soon as I got in I remember thinking
like, "Oh yeah, "don't "jam it in" whatever. with your Hungry
Hungry Hippo ass. And that's it! Merry
Christmas everybody, that's my story. (rock music)
