NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it- Evilina: My Little Pony! I used to wonder what frendship could be! My Little- NC: We're not turning this video into another Brony message board! Now sit down! If you haven't noticed, I have been roped in to babysitting this week, and all because I owe a certain someone a certain favor. NC: Hey Mr. Zebub, you almost done? Devil: Almost. I'm finalizing the plans for my next movie deal. NC: That's what I get for trading my soul for a good Zod impression. So what do kids normally do? They make tofu or something? Evilina: Well, you could read me a story. Yeah. Okay. NC: Okay, this one's a classic. *clears throat* "We looked! Then we saw him step in on the mat! We looked! And we saw him! The Cat in the Hat!" Evilina: Wait. Why does he look like a cat? NC: Because he's a cat. Evilina: No, that's not what he looks like. He's supposed to be scary and weird and constantly out of breath. NC: What? Evilina: And, why is it all in rhyme? NC: Because it's Dr. Seuss; everything he does is in rhyme. Evilina: No, he's only supposed to rhyme once in a while, And where's all the subplots? And in-jokes? And advertisements? And forced morals? And penis innuendos? NC: What the fuck are you talking about? Evilina: This. NC: This isn't Dr. Seuss; it's not even close! NC: It's evil, corporate pandering with freaky imagery that's promoting everything that's wrong with humanity! NC: This was next to Son of the Mask, wasn't it? Evilina & NC: Yeah. NC: Who would think in any way this innocent little story would be connected to this big budget sellout? ???: I would! NC: Oh, no, it's Peter Soulless. Evilina: Who? NC: The Hollywood executive who bought all the film rights to Dr. Seuss. Call him "The Ass with the Cash." Peter Souless: I see you're young and impressionable, too. So I have a jiggy load of "crunk" here for you! With modern jokes, adult jokes, and poop jokes galore. References kids won't get, who could ask for more? It's totally "boss" and with the "in crowd," is there any "pwnage" this funkiness allows? NC: Stop it! Stop it! Stop trying to sound cool! Peter Soulless: Is my hizzy in a nizzy? NC: Look, you clearly have no idea how people talk and you clearly have no idea what made Dr. Seuss a great author. Peter Soulless: Whatever do you mean? NC: Alright, if I can take this chance to enlighten you on how Dr. Seuss is being butchered nowadays, maybe some good can come of this, What do you say, kiddo? You ready to take a trip into some awkward humor? Evilina: With Mike Myers? Of course! NC: Let us journey into "Dr. Seuss's" The Cat in the Hat. NC(vo): It's important to note that the director of this movie is Bo Welch, a world famous production designer on a lot of Tim Burton movies and Barry Sonnenfeld productions. NC:(vo): I say this because clearly he as much better at directing the set than he is at directing his actors. NC:(vo): Although as you can see, even that can get a little extreme. NC:(vo): I feel like I'm at the beginning of a "Doublemint Gum" commercial. (The Doublemint Gum commercial) We see the mother works at a hand sanitizer factory also known as "Howie Mandel's candy store" Where we see one of the many reoccurring themes in current Dr.Seuss productions : Weak suburban commentary Mr. Humberfloob : Tonight is our bi-monthly meet and greet party. Tonight's host is...! Joan Walden. Joan, if your house is as messy as last time... YOU'RE FIIIIRRRREED! NC :...So what level of "not caring" are actors at in this movie? Uh... Let's see, we passed Dennis Hopper from Super Mario Brothers Uh, passed Russell Crowe from anything he is in And we're right up to... *Ding sound* Jeremy Irons from Dungeons and Dragons! Together : Tatata! Joan : My kids will be on their best behavior Mr. Humberfloob : Great. NC (vo): We then see her two kids at home played by Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning Who's best known for playing a strange looking lifeless puppet. Oh, and Coraline. * Badum tss* They spend most of their time setting up their story arcs, that will obviously be changed by our thankfully neutered protagonist. He's a messy troublemaker, she's a control freak and neither of them puts any emotion into their performances. Conrad : This was all Sally's fault. Sally : I tried to tell him, Mom. Conrad : Why don't you go upstairs? Sally : This is just as much my fault. Conrad : I thought they always landed on their feet. Sally : Have to add this one to my list. Conrad : This is my fault. NC (vo) : Stephen Hawking's voice box emotes more than them! Conrad : Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to? [Computer generated voice] : God, put some fucking emotion into it. NC (vo) : And speaking of actors who just gave up Alec Baldwin plays the evil neighbour who wants to marry the mother and send her son Conrad off to military school. Why? I don't know! Something has to acount for this uncomfortably forced conflict here, though! Joan : Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school! I wish I could trust you! Conrad : I wish I had a different mom. Joan : Well, sometimes I wish the same thing. NC (vo) : Okay, Souless- Here's one of the big problems here. If you're going to show family dilemmas and conflicts, try actually showing it! The kid and mother snapping at each other; if you can even call it that it's so unemotional. Seems needlessly mean and unjustified. There's little to no build-up to such harshness being delivered from both of them. Souless: Well, we needed to add some extra morals. NC: Why? The one in the book is fine! As well as unique! Sometimes a little rule-breaking is ok as long as it doesn't go too far. That's a rare message for kids. And Seuss delivered it in a balanced way because the kids were normal kids! Here, the boy is already out of control, and the girl is the other extreme. So the message is already getting confused! Souless: Well, we needed to change it around for the longer running time! NC: Polar Express kept the message focused with a longer running time; Mary Poppins kept the message focused with a longer running time. Why couldn't this? Souless: Oh what good are those movies anyway! They don't even have pop cultural references! That! and we knew Mike Myers would only be funny for one more year and we had to cash in on him as quickly as possible, speaking of which NC: ...yeah it's just about that time isn't it? After a shockingly offensive stereotype comes to babysit they start watching TV [stock shouting and punching sounds] Conrad & Sally: Taiwanese Parliament. Racist Babysitter: You tell them, Qai Jung. No more big government. NC: Okay, movie, that was like five racist jokes at time. We are losing track of what qualities we are supposed to not like about them. Evilina: Am I suppose to hate how they talk different or how they look different? NC: As she falls asleep, we finally get the appearance of our geisha covered in pubes... Mike Myers. [children screaming] Mike Myers Nightmare "Cat": That could've gone better. Evilina: Mr. Critic, is that what happens when Pepe La Pew "makes whoopee" with Ronald McDonald? NC: Yes. Yes, it is. Evilina: [whispering] I'm afraid. NC: [also whispering] We all are. Cat: "Now what are we hiding from? nyuhuhuhu~"
Children: [screaming] NC: Now, for those who don't remember, there was a time when Mike Myers ruled the FUCKING world. He was a hit on Saturday Night Live, grew a cult following with Austin Powers, resulting in a monster hit with its sequel, landed another big hit with Shrek, killed as a host of the MTV Movie Awards... And I'm just gonna say it. He may not have been that funny. [gasp] [ringtone] Devil: WHAT?! NC: Alright, maybe not as funny as we built him up to be. He had some good characters, he had some good bits, and he seemed to have a likeable personality. But after a while, people started to catch on to the repetition of his humor. That, without proper support, couldn't keep everybody laughing for very long. And nowhere is that more PAINFULLY spotlighted than in this flick. Look at this scene, where he has to keep you entertained for a good solid minute just on his own. Cat: "Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat! There's no doubt about that! I'm a supah-fun-diferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..." "...me-line? Key lime?" "...Tur pen tine?" "I got nothin'. I'm not so good with the rhyming. Not really. No." NC: Yeah. The Cat in the Hat, the most famous Dr. Seuss character of all time, is not good at rhyming. Start to see what I'm talking about? His shtick seems to be acknowledging that what he's saying isn't funny, which at first IS funny. But then you realize constantly acknowledging what he's saying isn't funny suddenly results in thinking what he's saying isn't funny. Conrad: "Where did you come from?" Cat: "My place, whaddaya think?" [dying hyena breath] NC: On top of that, he doesn't really have much of a character. I mean, I guess it's trying to be Bugs Bunny... ...ish. But he never really seems to care about what his motivation is, or how to carry it out. He just seems more concerned about making bad jokes and winking to the camera than he does actually interacting with the kids. Half the time, he doesn't even look them in the face. Peter Soulless: Oh, but come on, Critic! He has this laugh! Cat: "nyuhuhuhu" NC: Okay, that doesn't create a three dimensional character. Peter: What if he did it again? "huhuhahahaha" NC: Doing it again isn't gonna change anything- Peter: What about again? "hyuhuauhahaha" NC: No!
Peter: And again!
[cat laugh] NC: No!!
Peter: And again...
[cat laugh] NC: No.
Peter: And again!
[cat laugh] [Peter and NC fighting over Mike Myers' death rattle of a laugh] {i'm doing this for free and you couldn't pay me enough to hear Mike Myers "laugh" ever again} NC: STOP IT!!!!!! Having him laugh again and again does not give him an identity. I mean, he's not as good as... Peter: What? NC: Don't make me say it. Peter: Say what? NC: Please, don't. Peter: What were you going to say? NC: I can't. Peter: What is it? NC: Please don't make me say it. Peter: What is it? NC: He's not as good as Jim Carrey in "The Grinch." Soulless and Evilina: Ahhh! NC: Shut up! NC: (vo) It doesn't mean it was good, but Carrey had a clear character: an eccentric grump. And his face was expressive enough to work its way through all that make-up. Myers seems to have two expressions: "pedo smile" and "happy-I-shit-my-pants". On top of that, Carrey had enough energy to become one with the costume. He can work with it to show how fully animated his body could be. With Myers, it always looks like he's restrained by it like he's fighting against it. Every time he's done with a take, it looks like he's gonna pass out on Dakota Fanning. Even the costume just looks like a cheap cut out you stick your face into. Except it's being worn by one of the Wayans brothers from White Chicks. I don't necessarily blame Myers for this. It's just, it wasn't the right casting. And to be fair, how can anyone make a joke like this in a Dr. Seuss movie work? "Humina humina humina humina! Who is this?" [dying hyena breath] "Oooh!" [excited (?) gasp] Conrad: "That's my mom." *record scratch* "Awkward. Yeah." NC: Really, Soulless? A dick innuendo joke? Soulless: Well, that was just to throw in a little dirty humor for the adults. NC: Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film? Soulless: Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 and Analyst 2! NC: Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent. Analyst 2: Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material. Soulless: *AHEM!* Analyst 2: Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense. Analyst 1: You see, Critic, according to polls, or so we've been told, when kids hear adult jokes, A1: it makes them feel old. They feel more grown up to be in on the gag. A1: Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag. Analyst 2: The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too. A2: It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you. We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture. A 1: Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures. NC: But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them? And by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll just keep asking for the same crap? Analyst 1: Well, the chart says... NC: I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you! Analyst 1: Well, the chart says... NC: YOU ARE EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH ENTERTAINMENT! Analyst 1: But the chart says... Analyst 1: There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss! And that's... *BANG* Analyst 2: I'm coming with you! *BANG* Evilina: *adorable little giggle* That was funny! Soulless: Who turned off the charts?! Did you turn off the charts?! I didn't turn off the charts! NC (vo): So the Cat whips out a device called a "Phunometer", which you would think would shows how "phunominally" annoying he is, but instead restates what we already knew. Cat: "You're a control freak and you're a rule breaker. That'll be $700, who's your insurance carrier?" Fish: "Stop this right now!" [annoying Meyers sound] Conrad: "Who said that?" Fish: Me! Remember the fish? NC (vo): Actually, no! We don't remember because this is the first time you've been introduced. Kind of late in the game to bring this character in out of nowhere, isn't it? NC (vo): AAH! When did the Chiquita Banana become a mime? Cat: (singing) "There was this cat I knew back where I was bred/He never listened to a single thing his mother said..." NC (vo): You know, I sometimes wonder if this is all just a really wacky episode of To Catch A Predator. Cat: [still singing] "So have fun, fun, fun/Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun. Just look at me!" NC (vo): No, I got it. I know what this is: this is one of those fake trailers before Tropic Thunder. The one that looks real but is so goddamn stupid it couldn't possibly exist, except this one actually exists and you should cry because of it. Kids: THAT'S MOM'S DRESS!!!!!! Cat: This filthy thing? Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it. Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. *finger snaps* Mmm hmm, Yeah. *finger snaps* NC: ...You know, whenever I have too much hope, I'll just remember to play that scene to remind me that all is lost. NC: All is lost. Cat: These Things will not bite you, they wanna have fun. So without further ado, meet Thing 2 and Thing 1! [ominous electronic hum] Things: Ta-da! *screaming* NC (vo): When did Marge Simpson mutate with Alfred E. Neuman? Those are hideous! Soulless: What? They look like the Dr. Seuss book! NC: Alright, first of all, when did you start following anything from the Dr. Seuss book? NC (vo): Second, what makes something cute in a drawing doesn't necessarily make it cute in real life. In drawing, you can get away with leaving certain things out, like upper lips, per se. They would look like wrinkles if you put them in a drawing, but in real life, it looks fucking scary! NC (vo): The reason Cindy Lou was the only cute character in the Grinch was because she's the only one who was allowed to have an upper lip. Everyone else looked like a demon possessed Hungry Hungry Hippo! And these two look like the Shining girls if Bozo the Clown gave them Jager bombs! Conrad: Don't catch him! Aaah! NC (vo): But, uh-oh, the dog gets away and they have to get it back! Cat: (holds a hoe) Time to die. Conrad: Cat, you scared him away! Cat: Dirty hoe. Count: 8! That's 8 times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave. Ah ah ah ah! Conrad: Cat, get down! They're gonna see you! Hide! NC (vo): Oh, so they finally hanged him. That's nice. *WHACK* *CRUNCH* *CAT SCREAMS* (According to the script, this was the Cat's "happy place".) *YELLING* Evilina: Critic? (Borodin's Nocturne in D plays while NC contemplates the meaning of life.) We'll be right back after these messages. NC: Hello? Evilina: Hello, Critic? Are you coming back? NC: (sighs) I don't know, child... It's just... that last scene... what can somebody say to that? Evilina: I don't know... NC: I mean, does it make any sense at all? Cat gets hit in the balls, he's in a dress, and on a swing... Evilina: With a unicorn... NC: I have nothing for it... I have no jokes at all... Have I lost my mind, Evilina? Could it be that... I've lost my touch at making fun of scenes like this? Could it be that... "The Cat in the Hat" has broken me? Evilina: I don't know, but my dad will kill you if he knows that you left me alone instead of babysitting. NC: Yeah, I guess you're right... I'll be back soon. NC: So, after that scene... NC (vo): Baldwin chases after them, but they escape through a kiosk where a party is going on... Yeah, that's... never explained - in fact, it's forgotten just as quickly as it's discovered - as they make their way back home. Cat: Here she is, the "Super-Luxurious, Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger." Sally: S-L-O-W? Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last name we had. "Super-Hydraulic, Instantaneous Transporter." Conrad: Oh! You mean... Cat: OH! Quick to the S.L.O.W.! Hueahaha Count: 9! That's 9 times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave! Ah ah ah ah! NC (vo): Only to discover that the Cat's magic box has been left open and is spreading chaos everywhere. But, let's be really honest, it's just trying to look like one of the Seuss attractions at Universal Studios. Don't believe me? They literally say it. Conrad: THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S LIKE A RIDE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK!!! Cat: You mean like at... Universal Studios? Cha-ching. NC (vo): Yes, you just saw that: He literally directly advertised to you Universal Studios. I don't think the entire running time of "The Wizard" is as big a sellout as that mere couple of seconds of Mike Myers winking. In fact, I think every Dr. Seuss movie can be summed up in that one gesture. NC (vo): Painfully obvious references? [one cha-ching] Totally unneeded adult jokes? [two cha-ching] Appealing desperately to the lowest common denominator the same way Michael Bay appeals to penises and Stephanie Meyer appeals to vaginas? [Red cha-ching, blue cha-ching] In fact, why don't we just make this the new Dr. Seuss logo? NC (vo): Dr. Seuss! Lickboot: We've GOT to have... MONEY! NC (vo): So they find the crate and finally close it. All's awful that ends awful. But, wait! The place is still a mess! Conrad: You need to get out. Cat: But I thought you two wanted to have fun today. Conrad: Look around, Cat. You were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. And you don't know when enough is enough. Cat: Please. Kids: OUT! NC (vo): Finally! The only justified moment in this film! I just wish it happened an hour and a half ago. NC (vo): But, if you know the story - oh, let's face it, it doesn't matter if you do; they follow it so rarely - the Cat comes in and fixes everything. And it wouldn't be a shitty Dr. Seuss movie if we didn't have a shitty pop song for the soundtrack. ("Getting Better" by Smash Mouth) NC (vo): And you're not gonna believe it...but, they literally reference that selling point, too Cat: We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack. That's important. NC: Oh, for God's sake... Soulless, why are you being so obvious with how evil you are?! Soulless: Well, it's Hit Writing Fact #1: "If you say you're doing something painful and stupid, it's immediately no longer painful and stupid." Evilina: Oh, I see. Critic, I'm going to hit you. NC: OW! Evilina: You can't scream. It's no longer painful and stupid. NC: YES, IT IS! This whole movie is! (Evilina is on the verge of crying) SHUT UP! NC (vo): Even with its dumbass ending of Mom happily returning, Baldwin being dumped, and the party going great! Soulless: But... by having grown-up humor, we make it more adult. By modernizing the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better. NC: No. Every single thing you said, you got backwards. NC (vo): By having grown-up humor, you make it more childish. By modernizing the dialogue, you make it more dated. And by changing the source material, you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect. I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated. They don't need to be fixed. They don't even really need to have movies made about them! NC: But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material. Soulless: Well, of course I understand the source material! (scoffs) They're just simple kid's books! NC: No. They're NOT just simple kid's books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories we will never forget - and for good reason! They're stories that helped shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings and endearing morals. And the idea of this... shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach! Maybe these "simple kids books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books" while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness - also for good reason! Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way. Evilina: Critic? I think I like your book better than I like the movie. NC: So do I, kiddo. So do I. Soulless: No. No, you're wrong! YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm going to show you ALL the Seuss movies until you appreciate them! "The Grinch" with dog butt-kissing... NC and Evilina: NO! Soulless: "Horton Hears a Who" with anime references! NC and Evilina: NO! Soulless: "THE LORAX" WITH TAYLOR SWIFT! AND ZAC EFRON!!!!! NC and Evilina: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Satan: Did somebody miss her daddy? How's my little-? Hey...I know you. You're that executive that sold his soul to make those horrible Dr. Seuss movies! NC: What?! Satan: Oh, yeah... I rigged it so that each of them would be a hit. No person in their logical mind would willingly go see that shit. Evilina: That almost rhymes! Soulless: It's not true. It's simply not true! Satan: And now, it's time to return the favor. Soulless: Wha-?! AAAAAAH!!!! NC: Hey, uh... I know it's not my place or anything, but, uh, could I throw in a suggestion torture? Satan: Sure. What? Satan: You want me to do what with the fork? Satan: Buddy, I like the way you think. NC: Well, you gave me a lot to work with. Satan: Come, my little hellspawn! NC: Enjoy that book! Well, maybe there's some hope after all. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it-- Soulless: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FORK?! AAAAAAH!! AH! AAAAH! AH!!! NC: While others would like to forget. Cat: Cha-ching.
Borodin String Quartet #2, Third movement (Nocturne), starting at bar 24.
Complete Quartet.
Sorry for the kind of graphic thumbnail - couldn't get it to go away.