[Nostalgia Critic Theme] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to. A Warner Bros. animated film that isn't The Iron Giant? Pfft! Sold! [whimsical orchestral music plays] I honestly think from Day 1,
I've been getting requests to review this movie. While I don't know anyone that sees the 1994
adaptation of Swan Lake as the worst thing ever, it does carry this awkwardness that just enough people saw it to make four more direct-to-DVD awkwardnesseses. It also helped that the movie,
at the time, was very well advertised. Every other kid show had a
commercial for this playing in between. But also keep in mind that at the time,
the only animation studio making any kind of profit back then was Disney. And just the same way Disney
re-released The Little Mermaid for a limited time when Anastasia posed a threat, guess what movie, only five months after its premiere, they decided to re-release on the exact same day-- D'oh! Highest-grossing movie
Disney's ever made at the time! What lousy luck! What are the chances we just happened to re-release this film on the exact same weekend? "That company's a monster." But after it went to video, kids were still kinda curious whether or not there was anything worth watching in it. The answer? Well, let's take a look for ourselves;
this is the long-requested Swan Princess. The film opens up once upon every fairy tale backwash as an old king awaits the birth of his first child. Narrator: "He was growing old
and had no child to inherit the throne." "Then, happily, a daughter was born,
and she was given the name Odette." Nostalgia Critic: "Here's to the assumption
that her mother died in birth!" Crowd: "Yayyyyy!" Nostalgia Critic: Many come from
across the land to visit the newborn... ...3-year-old. and the king forms a plan with a queen from another kingdom to play matchmaker with their kids. But an evil sorcerer named Rothbart, whose name is so strange, I need
more time to think of a proper joke for it, apparently has other plans. Narrator: "For he was preparing
to take William's kingdom, by means of the Forbidden Arts" Nostalgia Critic: "Through the evil leprechaun magic of pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, and blue diamonds." "They're magically diabolical." Nostalgia Critic: Though his scheme is stopped,
our villain - played by the late Jack Palance, swears his life to get revenge. "Someday, I'll get my power back...and when I do," "Everything you love will be mine!" "You were my Number One Guy!" So a young Odette and a young Derek
are forced to hang out with each other. But as is typical of any 90's romance, they, of course, have to hate each other
through out the majority of the process. Derek: ♪I can't believe I'm stuck with her all summer♪ ♪I'll bet she doesn't wrestle, hunt, or box♪ Now to its credit, the fact that they're bitter
kids does make this scene work a little better. And... yeah, it's actually kind of a cute number. That is when they're not obviously
ripping off other Disney trademarks. Bromley: ♪I think you really sorta like her, 'fess up♪ [Coughing] Beauty and the Beast. [Coughing] Pinocchio. [romantic music plays] [Coughing] So obviously Sleeping Beauty, I can't believe you're ripping off Sleeping Beauty, have you no shame? [clears throat] Odette: ♪This is not my idea♪
Derek: ♪This isn't my idea♪ ♪Of fun♪ But then, quite literally out of nowhere,
they suddenly love each other. Again, I guess like most 90's romances. Derek: ♪She started out as such an ugly duckling♪ ♪and somehow suddenly became a swan♪ Oh, now isn't that a charming lesson? Years of hate and abuse are fine in a relationship as long as your sexual urges
deem your partner a sweet piece of ass. Hey, it worked in Meg Ryan films
and she turned out just fine-- Don't do what they do in Meg Ryan films! Derek: "Arrange the marriage!" [excited chatter] Arrange the marriage? They've been arranging it
practically since you were a sperm! "Wait." [music stops abruptly] "What? You're all I ever wanted." "You're beautiful!" "But what else?" "What else?" "What else is there?" Nostalgia Critic: "Wait, wait! I know this one!" "Um...I can put my dick in you--uh,
you're sizzling arm candy, uh--" "You're a means to my incredibly shallow end!" King William: "We tried, Uberta." "No one can say we didn't try." Queen Uberta: "All of these years of planning..." "WASTED!!" Yes, the parents should be very upset that a couple who hated each other and yet were forced to be together still end up hating each other. Clearly, this is all the children's fault! "You must see something other than Odette's beauty." "Ha! Of course I do, Rogers." "She's like...you know..." "How about...?" "And then... I mean, right?" "Look, she makes my hose jump, okay?" "It's the Middle Ages, love is like an appetizer.
It's good to start off with but not essential." But little do they know that Rothbart-- God, it's like the sound you make
when you hiccup and belch. [burping hiccup sound] --turns into an evil animal and takes Odette away. Derek arrives on the scene. "Who did this?" "A...great animal..." "It's not what it seems...it's not what it seems!" "We're not Disney!" "No matter how hard we try to make it look,
we'll never be Disney!" "Where is Odette?" "Odette...is..." "Odette..." "Well, I know she's Odette, but
that doesn't answer my question." [rimshot] "...gone..." Derek: [shouts] "ODETTE!!" Nostalgia Critic: "I will forever
miss your beauty and nothing else!" So we discover that the evil Rothbart, sounds like a gay porno with
the lead singer of Van Halen, has kidnapped Odette and has whisked
her away to the horrible...devastating... ...prettiest evil lair banishment can buy. Why the fuck does he want the king's land?
He's living in a resort by Thomas Kinkade! "Now, don't let my little spell make you sad, Odette.
It doesn't even last the whole day." So he turns her into a swan, but apparently the moonlight only on the lake can change her back to normal. He also reveals that the confession of one's true
love is the only thing that'll stop the transformation. "What I really want is your father's kingdom." "Take it then! You have enough power." "Once you steal something,
you spend your whole life fighting to keep it." "If I marry the only heir to the throne, we'll
rule your father's kingdom together-" "Never!" "Where are you going?" "As soon as moonlight leaves the lake,
you'll turn back into a swan." [sobbing] Wow. I mean...wow. You've been waiting over, what,
ten years to put this plan together and THAT'S...that's your big magnum opus
that you finally scrounged up? [sighs] Alright, come in here, come in here. I'm sorry, it's just, I need help to get
this out as quickly as possible because there are just too damn many to go through. So, without further ado: GO! If she did agree, what's to stop her from
changing her mind after the spell is broken? If Odette is a swan,
what's to stop her from flying away and communicating with someone by writing in the sand? If he wants to marry her legally,
why doesn't he just hypnotize her to say yes? The only thing to break the spell
is a person confessing their love. Why? It seems counterproductive to the plan. What's to stop her in human form from sneaking
up behind him and knocking the fucker out? Is there really no law to marrying banished people?
Kind of seems like a no-brainer. He disappears in the day doing nothing.
Why doesn't he do SOMETHING? Couldn't he threaten someone she loves to force
her to marry him? She doesn't really have an incentive. If he can change anyone into anything,
why doesn't he change anyone into anything? He can make himself look like the king!
He can make someone else look like Odette! There's a million other ways around this--! [loud buzz] Oh! That's it, but thank you guys so much.
Now back to the closet until I need you again. No, but it smells like dead armpit in there! GO! I'll use you next time I have a Sam & Max joke. Malcolm: He never makes enough of those. So Derek tests his skills by
having an arrow shoot at him. One could only hope this
leads to a Saint Sebastian homage. You don't even know who that is, do you? [click] Don't go to Google, your soul knows the truth! "Now!" Uh, yeah. Can we get the judges' take on that? That's what I thought. Even for a fantasy aimed at two-year-olds,
that's pretty fucking stupid. But he also practices his hunting
skills on some of his servants. And sadly, it's not as violent as you would think. [yelling] Ah, five episodes of Animaniacs
were given up to bring you this. Now we'll never see the episode
where Pinky and the Brain kiss! "Lord Rogers, I must object. We are musicians!" ♬We are a band and not a band of animals♬ ♬This masquerade...♬ ♬Is more than I can bear!♬ Um...is this really warranting of a song? Do these characters we've never
seen before and won't see again demand a musical interpretation
of their emotional struggle? Well, something you'll discover is, remember how even though it was kind of corny, the child characters were actually pretty distinct, memorable, and even surprisingly enjoyable? Well, that was before they remembered,
"Oh, yeah! We're diet Disney!" Anything that was different and unique
has to be tossed out for one calorie of the enjoyment. Because of this, Odette and Derek
have little to no personality from this point on. Yeah, see how expressive they are?
See how funny they are? See how different from every other
animated film out at the time they seem to be? Chuck it! Now watching our characters is like seeing an unsalted cracker propose to a sheet of sand paper. Nothing stands out about them at all and that
somehow is supposed to make you care about them. So, to make up for how incredibly boring they are, they give all the colorful songs to hastily rushed comic relief that serve little to no purpose in the story. Like the coach servant song. ♪Girls would walk around or even crawl♪ The women we know aren't going to marry Derek,
so there's no purpose to them at all song. ♪Princesses on parade♪ And, of course, a song so desperate to be popular
they named it after a dying 90's T-shirt franchise. ♪No fear♪ ♪Our backs are to the wall♪
♪No fear♪ Not that I'm complaining.
Keep it alive, people. Keep it alive. That last song, by the way, is sung
by diet Disney comic relief as well. One is a frog voiced by John Cleese
doing a god-awful Lumiere impression. "Ha! What a love dunce!" "I don't want zees flowers, I must 'ave zos." I don't know, I like his other French take better. "I fart in your general direction!" "Your mother was a hamster and
your father smelt of elderberries!" "Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!" And an upbeat old turtle voiced by-- "Why don't you just give her these flowers?
These are pretty." Oh, God, shit, are you serious? Steven Wright?! "Friends call me Speed." "Ready for action, sir." "Hey, batter, batter..." "Have a nice flight!" Okay, you dumbasses that put a Brit as a French man,
I'm not against this guy as an actor at all, far from it. I'm sure he can be great, but you have to
put a fitting voice with a fitting character! The turtle is usually smiling, always getting involved
and feels a constant need to help people. Would you choose THIS guy for that? "She said if you could know how and when
you were gonna die, would you wanna know?" "I said 'no', she said 'forget it then.'"
[audience laughing] He's the only actor who could completely not try for a role and you would never know the difference! Unless your character is called Depressy Duck or Suicidal Salamander, it's not gonna work! "I can only kiss the man I love... and then he--" "Must make a vow of everlasting love, I know!" "And prove it to the world." Prove it to the world? Wow. That's a pretty egotistical spell you got there. Don't a lot of Hollywood couples try that and
it doesn't usually turn out very good for them? ♬Derek, you and I were meant to be♬ But hey, that would be indicating
that this movie knows nothing about real love and hell, we all know that's not true! Take this scene, where our couple sings
about how much they love one another... even though they left on bad terms,
called off a wedding, 90% of what we saw of them convinces
us why they shouldn't be together and absolutely nothing about them has changed at all. Um...true love? Yeah, there's nothing in this movie outside of
one look where they ever share any chemistry. Remember when Odette wants Derek to say something else he likes about her aside from her beauty? "Is beauty all that matters to you?" "What else is there?" No, the more I think about it, I'm siding with him!
What else is there? Nothing stands out about you two
that makes you interesting at all! If this movie can't even explain what else about them
is supposed to be unique, why should the characters? Disney developed more onscreen charisma with characters that you only knew for a few days! You guys had a fucking childhood to develop their romance and you still ended up botching it! How is that possible?? ♪I'll never be alone♪ So Derek is bound to figure out what the King's last words meant by "the great animal, it's not what it seems." "An animal that can change its shape. A harmless creature approaches, then suddenly...it's too late!" "You mean...you mean it could be anything?" "Anything..." Okay, I guess that's a clue but...
what are you gonna do about it? Bromley: "How will you know
the Great Animal when you see it?" Derek: "I'll know." That's right! They go around to random animals, ANY fucking random animals and just start shooting at them! Heck, he even goes after Odette,
trying to avenge Odette! "A swan...of course." "This one's for Odette!" What the fuck is wrong with these people?!
This is both stupid AND insane! Even the McCarthy Trials weren't quite this ludicrous! Joseph McCarthy:
"Mr. Rooster, are you the Great Animal?" "Um...no?" McCarthy: "Yes you are." "GAAAH!"
[loud thud] McCarthy: "Miss Kitty, are you the Great Animal?" "Um..." "Yes?" McCarthy: "Nice try." [loud thud] McCarthy: "Mr. Mal, are you the Great Animal?" "ANIMAL ALWAYS GREAT!" McCarthy: "Wrong answer." "AAAAH!!" [loud thud] McCarthy: "Mr. Worm, are you the Great Animal?" "Well, my friends always call me great." McCarthy: "Whatever. Take this." "Ha! It'll take more than--" "That ought to do it!" [thud] I mean, do they have any brain cells in them?
Any logical thinking?! I mean, it makes no fucking sense!
Anyone could be the Great Animal! I could be the Great Animal! [screaming] Hey, chill, you fucking maniac! Hey, put the safety on that thing! [screaming] I'm sorry, we gotta take a break, we'll be right back! [cat screeching] You're just looking for an excuse to shoot things!
You're like the NRA! AH! So, Odette tries to outrun Derek while
her cuddly friends try to help her out. Puffin: "He can't even see us anymore, let alone--" [whooshing sound] "AAH! Speed up, girl..." Ah, the always popular "smoke
from arrow makes beard" gag... ...Classic? But she leads him into the pond
where she shows her true colors. "No one believed me...but I knew!" "You can't stay!" "Can't stay?" "No, I'll never let you out of my sight again!" Nostalgia Critic:
"You're just so beautiful and nothing else!" Derek: "There must be some way to break the spell!" "You must make a vow of everlasting love." "You must prove it to the world!" "The ball..." "Tomorrow night! Before the whole world,
I will make a vow of everlasting love!" Nostalgia Critic: "And by the whole world, I mean the small number of people I could crowd into one room inside my castle!" Nostalgia Critic:
"I hope the spell is not a number cruncher..." So, he takes Odette with her as a swan
as he's promised never to lose her again-- OR he just leaves her in the
hands of a psychotic monster... ...as most loved ones do. But it turns out our villain has heard the whole thing. "Come to the ball..." "I will make a vow..." [chuckle] "Thought you could fool Rothbart...Did you?" Nostalgia Critic: "Why can't you just get Stockholm Syndrome like everyone else I've brought here?!" Nostalgia Critic:
"I had the turtle ready to marry me in a week!" [sobbing] So he develops a new plan. Now, he's gonna change his helper
into Odette and have her go in her place, which was, what, plan number five we discussed earlier? And he announces this, of course, in song. ♪Up till now, I've pulled my punches♪ ♪I intend to eat their lunches♪ My GOD, there's nothing more terrifying than a tap dancing sorcerer who plans on eating people's lunches! This diabolical baddie has entered the realms of rude. RUUUUUDE!! ♪--bad guy I was born to be♪ [zapping sounds] "One more time!" Really? You...think this song is good
enough to warrant a "one more time?" I know you gotta fill up that 90 minutes somehow, but... Couldn't you have put that extra effort into hiding
the obvious frame cell at the edge of the screen? Oh! I mean, the, uh, magical bar of hollowness! That...seems to make an appearance
quite a bit in this movie actually. You know, this film's empty enough
without uncompleted backgrounds. So, while the Queen prepares the ball
to match up Derek with another princess, Derek prepares to use the ball
as a chance to confess his love. But everything, apparently, needs to be quite specific. "I don't want RED roses! I want white...like a swan." "Would you feed this to a swan?" "I..." "Take it back!" Derek: "No, no, no, no, no! Rogers, hold it!" "Tonight, the music must be played soft and graceful." "Like a swan." "This bowls, they must be made bigger so people can dip their heads in them while eating." "Like a swan!" "These floors, they must be prepared for people
to shit all over them whenever they please." "Like a swan!" "These clothes, we must find
something more fitting, like--" "No, that's just stupid." So, Odette is locked away by Rothbart-- sounds like an IRA plan involving the Simpsons... While an imposter goes in her place. "I was so worried! I almost thought--" "Nothing could keep me away." [finger snaps] [graceful orchestral music plays] [coughs] Little Mermaid, you
unoriginal fucktard bastards who couldn't come up with an original
idea if everybody on the Earth was dead and there was nobody around to steal
ideas from for the rest of your days! Allergies. "Rogers, who is it?" "Do you know her?!" "I don't know..." "Come now, Rogers! I know he confides in you!" Wait a minute...why don't they recognize her? Is Odette really so bland that watching
her grow up throughout her entire childhood honestly left no impact on them whatsoever? [scoffs] She really is beautiful and nothing else! Puffin: "GO!" So Odette's friends help her escape by fighting the ripped-off designs from All Dogs Go to Heaven. But arrives at the castle just a moment too late. Derek: "I make a vow of everlasting love..." Odette: "DEREK!" "...to Odette." "NOOO!" Oh, no! Instead of confessing his love to Odette,
he confessed his love to Odette! Wait...this...makes no sense. He still said, "Odette," but nothing in the
spell said she had to be in the same room. It's not like he said "I confess my love to
this person on my left," he clearly said "Odette." You know, this is really why spells
need to be looked over by lawyers first! [electrical zapping] [loud banging] Nostalgia Critic: "I greet you with Cheeto lightning!" [magical zapping] [high-pitched evil laughter] "You should have left her to me!" "Now, Odette will die." Derek: "Odette!" Wait, why will Odette die? Okay, even if she did, doesn't he still need to marry her? Wasn't that the whole idea behind the plan to begin with? How is he going to rule the land
if he still has no position? Look, I know I shouldn't nitpick in a fairytale
because it's a fairytale, that's just stupid, but half the dialogue in this is about how
the ownership of this kingdom works! Narrator:
"He was sad, for he had no child to inherit the throne." King William:
♪We'll join our lands if this arrangement clicks♪ Rothbart: "If I marry the only heir--" "We'll rule your father's kingdom together, legally." I'm only putting so much damn focus on it
because THEY put so much damn focus on it! Fuck these guys! The politics in
Game of Thrones is easier to follow than this! Odette: "I love you, Derek..." "Odette..." Nostalgia Critic:
"I can't lose your beauty and nothing else!" "Odette..." "I made the vow for her..." "Do you hear?!" [snorts] "I make my Napoleon Dynamite face in your honor!" "Idiot!" Derek: "Don't let her die!!" [grunts] "Only if you defeat..." "ME!" [magical zapping] [screeching] "The Great Animal...!" Nostalgia Critic: My God, the King was right! The Great Animal wasn't at all what it seemed! It was an evil creature of darkness who
consumed anything that was in its way! Actually, that is exactly what it would seem! Y-you were chasing a mouse... A FUCKING MOUSE! "Curse overused non-specifically vague dying words!!" [branches snapping] Derek: [grunts] Nostalgia Critic: "Good Lord!" "I'm shocked that all my years of shooting people in bunny outfits has in no way prepared me for this!" Derek: [screams] But diet Lefou comes in, they pull that arrow bullshit again, and the
entire climax is only under two minutes long. I...I guess I shouldn't be complaining,
it is mercifully short, but... Yeah, fuck it. I'm not complaining.
It was mercifully short. [magical zapping] That, of course, somehow breaks the spell. They get married the next day because obviously,
they've learned SO much more about each other, And their future sequels fly overhead. "The prince wants a fighting airforce!" "And it's my job to get you birds in shape!" "Now which one of you will be
hand-drawn straight to DVD" "and which one of you will be
computer generated straight to DVD?" Jean-bob: "Well, I'm ready, Odette." "Voilà!" "I've got some schmoozing to do." Alright, let's just decree that somehow
the Princess and the Frog probably ripped this off and we can all go back to making original content again. Okay? OKAY? Because there's not much
more of this diet Disney I can take! This film feels like the movie that
Enchanted was satirizing in the first third. It doesn't feel like someone wanted
to tell a story out of passion, it feels like it was told because someone else
was making money with this other formula and now they're gonna try that formula. The leads are a bore, the comedy's weak, the animation is much better at being wild
and energized rather than soothing and romantic. But even then, a lot of the timing and characters are so poorly executed that even that doesn't hold much water. The only thing close to enjoyable
is that opening number. Heck, if the movie was just about these kids growing up, I think we might have had a stronger movie. But as is, it's phoned in,
unimaginative and just a dull waste. I can tell you right now, that is the last time
I ever subject myself to diet Disney! I'm the Nostalgia Critic,
I remember it so you don't have to! Malcolm: An anvil or a safe... Hey, guys! How did you get out of the closet? Oh, we've had a way out for a while, we've just
been making you think we're always stuck in there. Yes, and we've been using our time growing bitter against you and working out a way to seek our revenge. That's great. You know, I gotta tell ya,
I am so sick of these diet Disney spinoffs. I'm so in the mood for something new! Well, why not try this? It's diet Dreamworks. Nostalgia Critic: Oh, no kidding! What's in it? Oh, everything. From the Nut Job,
Hoodwinked, and all the Rio and Ice Age sequels. God, that's twice now that I've
been so mean to Blue Sky Studios. I should probably stop if they
ever made something good. Well, if you need more variety,
you can always try diet Pixar. Nostalgia Critic: Oh, no shit! And what's in that one? Oh, it's a very simple recipe. It's all the Pixar sequels. Excluding Toy Story of course. Of course, I mean every diet product gets lucky
and has some substance every once in a while. Oh! And here's one you can use in your next review. [pop sound]
Ah...Suess Zero! Oh, hey! I love Dr. Seuss! No, no, Critic. This is Seuss Zero.
It doesn't have ANY of the Dr. Suess genius in it at all. Wow, that would be great for a review. But uh...what's in it? And why is it all orange? OH NO! [insane laughing] [Nostalgia Critic Theme] Derek: "Would you feed this to a swan?"
