Adultery ... a Wife's Testimony

this is my story you guys are literally the first group of people that I've ever told my story to so feel very special but it takes a lot for me to share that with you so I hope that it's helpful in any way that it is a little bit about me growing up I'm the baby of three children I grew up in an all-female household I grew up just with my mom my parents divorced when I was three my dad I used to affectionately say he was a cheater and a beater and although that's factually correct my dad was a really broken person and my mom was a really broken person and so they divorced shortly thereafter having me and literally grew up just with myself my mom and my two sisters my mom and I became companions very quickly because of that I've been coined the chosen child and grew up as the quintessential good girl when I say good girl I really mean it even my difficult behaviors that I talked about earlier and that I share with you today are very nice to look at on the outside and they appear very affirming in a lot of ways I never really got into trouble I always say I used to play the game really well I'm known to be very talkative but I'll give you an example you know I'd be in elementary school and everyone knew I was talkative but I never got in trouble for teaching or for talking why you ask because I am that risk versus reward person I like the Goldstar way more than anyone else and I'll bling out that gold star if I could and so for me I knew the appropriate times to talk and so someone tried to engage me any time that was inappropriate I would be very clear with them that that was something I was not willing to do at that time they could see me on the playground and I would talk their ear off about unicorns in the color purple so for me I was highly concerned about rules regulations and performance I watched especially as my older sister stepped into the role of a very parental background because my mom was working three jobs she did a lot to provide for us from a financial perspective and even an outward perspective but I didn't grow up in a home where I heard I love you or anything like that until I was about 18 years old I went away to college so I always felt like I was placed in a leadership position and so I always thought I lived this great life I was reading to kids and the kindergarten age I started reading at two-and-a-half years old I don't know why my mom taught all of us to read it very early ages I think I was the earliest and so by kindergarten I was I mean literally reading to my classmates um I grew up being on different teams and sports and just always placed in a position where I was meant to lead others and so I thought that meant that I wordly I was doing really well I never considered my inner health I'm ashamed to say this but until about two years ago so that's a whole life of living a totally different affirmation cycle um I knew that I had a passion for excellence in everything that I did there was always this insatiable hunger to grow and to learn and to evolve even from a young age I mean I taught myself gymnastics before I ever started doing it in real life I practiced visualization to learn how to ride horses before I ever got on a horse and then was asked to compete after about a month of training um I think I've just always been that person in fact in journaling to prepare for this I came upon a phrase that I think is so formative and so true of myself my mindset has always been if I'm not given it I will earn it and that was true for everything in my life whether it was school grades teachers friendships certainly my relationships my careers I got older extracurricular I basically lived my whole life in a performance-based mode earning every piece of love that I desired but of course from all the wrong places so after quite a few years of dating a lot of different men who I thought never recognized my potential I met my ex-husband he was the exact opposite of who people saw me to be with you know they always see me with like a really strong businessman and someone who had all his stuff together and I meet this guy who's wildly out of control and just put me so high up on a pedestal that I thought he finally saw all the things that a lot of people didn't see in me including my own father so he told me he met me and knew that I was the one so just imagine a wildly in control girl meets a wildly out of control boy and there is our love story all wrapped up into one sentence he told me that I made him want to be a better person that he thought God led us to each other to become better versions of ourselves and I was totally in on that deal that sounded good that looked good I was in the right stage of life for that and so I wholeheartedly believe that God brought this man to me and I still believe that to this day it was a really pivotal time in my life I was very early in my career I started my career very early I progressed very early again always being the good little performance that I could produce so I was ready externally to get married I've had all my ducks in a row I had saved for retirement before I even needed to and so it worked out perfectly it was the perfect time people kept asking me you know when are you going to settle down when are you going to meet someone and so I meet this guy who thinks the world of me and I think well this is about right he gets it I'm fabulous so I literally had the makings of a really good life on the outside but I think deep down I lacked that male affirmation because there was no one in my life that had ever provided that to me in fact it's quite funny to share the story with you and realize that I had never even thought I had zero relationship with my father zero none never had a conversation with the guy until a couple of months ago I had no knowledge of him I had no knowledge of what a man should be like I didn't even know like what would happen living in a home with a man the first time you get out of the shower do you cover up do you close the door I mean all these questions that I never even had to I never had to experience that as a child I didn't have a dad walking around the house and so there are things I was really sheltered to looking back I just never thought that would affect me I never even considered it and it's really quite funny to me now because I married my father just like people always say that they do a man that I had know nothing about I chose and married so he and I met and we were engaged in six weeks of dating he says again that I was the one and we both knew that person would meet our innermost needs looking back I see it as we had these really deep rooted core issues and we saw that other person being able to fix them in the way that we already knew how very unhealthily and much like a parent that we both could identify with you may say after six weeks that was fast but I'll tell you I am two and a half years post-divorce and I can tell you the love I feel in my heart is the same as I did the day I met my ex-husband so how do you make that story a success when you know I'm here for a divorce testimony I'll tell you we've had a lot of similar common interests we had a lot of surface needs that were met by each other that guy is my best friend and was my best friend and I really believe that every night I used to wake up thinking like this is a dream it was like a sleepover every night we would hang out together eat together enjoy life together I just never saw anything coming so we decided before we ever got married though that we do everything right so let me give you this picture of me the good girl I set the stage perfectly we had two premarital courses we had a premarital counselor we read several books including of course saving your marriage before it starts we did work books we read quotes out of the Bible we had biblical counseling on top of the premarital counseling I checked every box I possibly could because I knew one I didn't want to marry my father and two I didn't want to be divorced so he played that game with me and really did try to do everything he could to make me happy including trying to honor God by waiting to have sex before marriage that was really important to me and there were a number of really large obstacles that came in our way very early on before we even got married and I thought that meant once again Lord you placed this man in my life for a reason I will marry him and I will honor you unfortunately not long after our marriage started our trouble also started he had a habit of seeking attention from other women it spiraled into a cheating episode or eight several and a longtime porn addiction that came out very shortly thereafter and what came out in me is that wounded little girl who had been waiting for an excuse to rage so we struggled with a lot of things here are some themes that you may identify with and each one of these I can tell you I personally struggled with with him addiction of course sexual addiction pornography addiction workaholism control issues separation outside attractions unmet needs anger emotional abuse miscarriage guilt fear shame family stress and pressure to move forward without ever dealing with the past before we eventually divorced if you ask me now and you asked me then I would tell you the same answer divorce is not what I wanted but I ended up being the one to follow through with it and at the end of the day my marriage ended not because of a lack of love or desire to be together but a lack of desire to change and a lack of desire to honor God's Word my ex didn't want help for his issues and truthfully I didn't want the risk of being 4 or 40 more years with someone who wasn't going to get a help and who was abusing me and lacked respect for me at least through his actions so to be honest with you my heart was broken my worst nightmare had come true and we struggled after divorce with the desire to reconcile what's so funny about that is that's how I found my life group so we decided we were trying to make things work I knew like a good little fixer that he had a lot of issues he needed to work on at this point I was pretty clear on the fact that it was an addiction and we entered a life group each of us separately and counseling together and I think if I could summarize that number of months together divorced going to life group going to counseling we even went to a marriage conference as a divorced couple I'm exhausted just thinking about it whew but I can tell you that I know that God needed to change both of our hearts and this is certainly not the life that my ex wanted to live and it wasn't the one I wanted to live either even though I wanted to be with him so even if it meant losing me he took his path and I took mine and I know that there's someone in the room there's probably several in the room knowing the statistics of divorce and a pornography addiction and divorce that may be at a interesting crossroads that I found myself at that path I took was not the initial path that I thought I would take because what you're told is that you divorced the problem instantly right the judge declares you divorce you take off your ring you change your name and all the issues are still there still with you still with me and so I had two choices to make I could either affirm what my culture was telling me which is that the problem was gone I was free and I was free to go live a great life again and just start over or I could take a different path I could look within myself and find all the ugly that was there all the hurt that was there that little girl who raged who was probably needing to rage for a really long time and heal her and that was probably the easiest decision I ever had to make because my wound was so big so let me be clear at this point I was like a little Martha Stewart of our home I took care of the home like a housewife but I had the earning and the providing potential of the career-driven mail that's the honest truth I was able to leave my marriage because I was financially also able to leave my marriage and I know that's a struggle that a lot of women have when we divorced I was blessed with a vibrant and growing career and that almost led me to even more destruction I think than my husband I could have easily gone back and struggled with going back into workaholism for quite a while I remember even thinking like now you have no excuse screen you've got to go being successful that's your best revenge you can't beat him but you can show him how great you are again earning all the love that he couldn't give me so I joke that I make divorce look really good um but the truth is I'd rather share with you this I believe my divorce helped me to have God show me what was within me that needed change once I lost my ex and I made that decision that decision to focus on me that decision that I I surpassed for so long that never even came to mind for me or any counselor I had met with until I started life group and counseling with Jonna was what's with you that caused you to attract someone like this stay with someone like this behave the way that you did with someone like this so I poured into my own personal recovery I had an amazing group of women in my life group that showed me that I could be vulnerable that I could stand here today and tell you my story and feel really proud and not feel ashamed they've helped me so much to grow emotionally from that little robot that I was and I was a really good robot crying in public is not what we do mostly because it ruins your makeup and so I'm not that control obsessed little girl anymore who is screaming to be affirmed now I'm still a strong woman but I have a heart and a desire for truth and authenticity in my life that I'll never let go of and so guys if it took me losing my marriage the thing I coveted more than anything and my best friend who I still love I would do it all again to feel this free I really would so I want to conclude by sharing with you three really important learnings because you know someone who's been through divorce you've been through divorce and it's really important to hear my heart yes my ex messed up but I did too I own my piece as someone who struggles and struggles with emotional and intimacy anorexia is something that's very typical for men but with women it's so much harder for a man to receive I'm a highly self-reliant I'm codependent and so it's such a hybrid personality you can imagine I attract people with major intimacy issues and they both draw near me and push away from me at the same time and I own that I own that because I have to to get freedom from it it has nothing to do with who I chose it has to do with Who I am or who I was and I've learned that I have feelings desires and fears whoa that drives my every behavior and that's positive and negative that's really important for me to have discovered I'm aware of it but now I know how to meet those in healthy ways and I have a true desire to be different and I did it well I'm doing it and I just don't want to make excuses for who I am in my life anymore I want to be exactly who God meant me to be my second learning is because of this desire and knowledge I've been able to go really deep into my core issues I have a strong passion for that and change management I now have a relationship with the father I told you guys I knew nothing about that alone in and of itself is like a hallelujah a little crazy I have boundaries with my mother that overbearing / attached mother that I mentioned to you guys we now have a true mother-daughter relationship including like fights where I slam the door in her face like totally normal but I've been able to look past my feelings of inadequacy and still work through them and find a way to love myself and you know what feels really cool today and I'm so glad that this was mentioned earlier I could give a rip what you know about my bio it has to do with my professional life I care that you hear about my personal struggle and my personal story I have the shortest bio in that packet that you have and there's a reason for it I don't care what I do in my professional life I care Who I am as a person and if that can enrich you then that's who I was meant to be so I've healed my inner child and I'm healing my inner child and I'm growing into this human being that I really believe I was meant to be 31 years ago and that's all because I focused on my issues and not my X's so here's my last learning for you and it may shock you I believe in marriage I think it's the most amazing thing in the world and if I could have done all this if I could have grown like this with my partner you better believe I would still be married and you'd be sitting right there but I think God knew I needed something major to get my attention because as a good girl remember my behaviors look really good on the outside and although I wish every day that my marriage would have worked out I believe that I'm strong enough for God's plan for my life and I have no idea what that is which is petrifying so I believe that deep within me is that same passion for excellence and that's what I'll leave you with today but this time that passion for excellence is not based on the love of another person it's not based on my career but it's to challenge myself this question are you living the very best life that you can be today so friends I can answer that with a resounding yes for the first time in my entire life and I'm so honored to share my story with you thank you great job Corrine

Channel: Captives Free

Views: 131,556

Rating: 4.5187969 out of 5

Keywords: adultery, porn addiction, addiction recovery, divorce

Id: cm_XaT1bTXA

Length: 20min 22sec (1222 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 18 2016