How To Restore Your Marriage After Infidelity - Gary & Mona Shriver Part 1

I had not a clue you know a lot of people say that wives know and we've not found that a lot in the couples we work with I had not a clue he walked in he'd been at a meeting and I thought someone had died and I didn't know it was our marriage and so when he sat down and made his confession I was absolutely shell-shocked welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive well sadly surveys show that over one-third of marriages have one or both partners admitted to having been involved in extramarital affairs and we're gonna talk about that today this is focus on the family your host is focus president and author Jim Daly I'm John fuller and today a couple who overcame infidelity and found healing and they're gonna offer ways that you can thrive in your marriage let me say welcome back to focus on the family well thank you for thank you this is a story that in a situation that is always prevalent in the culture and certainly in the church - now how long into your marriage before you became a Christian who became a Christian first well I did I was yeah so we were living life and we were in our 20s and just kind of traveling down that path and like we said the intimacy in our relationship was always best friends it was it was that was one of those things that and that was kind of almost uncommon in that era it was more physical back then you know I think was what started it we were best friends and then getting married out of that so here I was you know I started a small studio and then I got a call one day from a guy that I was in a band with back in Stockton said he'd been writing some songs and hey how about I come up when we catch up and play us some tunes that I that I had written he pulls out his guitar and he starts to play these songs about his new love in for his Lord Jesus Christ yeah and that wasn't a part now I had always known there was a God I was kind of raised in a in a home that we went to church every now and then but it wasn't you know a relationship wasn't a commitment it wasn't a commitment our relationship that you had with Christ so this was something that I was kind of searching for I was knew something was missing in my life and so I knew there was a god but I just didn't have a relationship anyway he starts singing about Jesus and I'm wow you know so the sessions kind of became more of talk sessions and then after about the second day he he led me to Christ Wow yeah and that was that was a real pivotal point in my life now Mona wasn't a Christian at that point I'm gonna let her pick what they say yeah you come home you say Mona you that's what happened to me and Mona said well my background was that our fate my family went to church when things were good and when things were not good Church was left on the back burner the opposite I know why do you think that was I don't know I never heard anything about grace it was all works based and if you weren't good enough then you lost your salvation and you were going to hell and so it didn't take very long for me to figure out as a junior high or that I wasn't good enough and I was going to hell and so I figured they'd convinced me how bad that was so I figured I might as well have fun here because I knew what was coming so I had really pretty much rejected anything to do with faith moanin let me let me make sure because some people again they may not be there yet yeah do you feel like it was unattainable yes the bar was just simply too far was too high and I couldn't be good enough and guess what for everybody that's true bars to our backs right yeah that's exactly why we need Jesus Christ he's the one that lifts us up to the bar he's like that adult that put you as a child up to the pull-up bar right he's the one that gets you there yes I just remember in those early stages when I came home as a Christian going well and she's going oh how can you continue you know because you know you don't yeah you can't do that you're gonna and I said why now I understand this is a relationship that I have with my Savior this isn't about what everybody else thinks so in my infancy I had a vague understanding of what grace was this is something she and I did not know I decided it was so this probably three or four years later I decided okay fine I'm tired of everybody telling me how wrong I am from both sides I'm just gonna read the Bible and if it doesn't come through then I'm done and so I did read the Bible when I got to Romans seven where Paul says what I do I do what I don't want to do and I went oh that's me and so I said okay okay I will choose to believe this but you'll have to prove it to me and he did and he did very faithfully and that's how our spiritual journey began now tonight synched up yeah and let me emphasize that because that happened to me when I was 21 I had made a commitment to Christ at 15 I wobbled along you know I was living without boundaries but then at 21 it dawned on me no one challenged me I wish somebody would have but I'm in college I'm reading business books I'm you know all these things to prepare for my career and I remember thinking to myself I should really read the Bible because if it's a good read if it's a book of truth absolutely and I go through all the way in college and read all these other books yeah Plato I had the philosophy class Plato and Aristotle but it really grabbed me that I can't be a believer without reading the word so I better read it and I appreciate the truth of what you just shared right for the skeptics out there listening read it first before you attack read that New Testament understand the heart of God for you and what Mona was sharing there then you know what Paul who was the apostle of the Apostles the brilliant one he himself said he can't live to the standard that's right and that's the truth of it I think we've laid that groundwork sufficiently for people to hear your love for each other even today even though you went through a dark dark Valley speak to the the lead up to those failures that Gary you had when you think back on it how many years after you both accepted Christ you're in church what was that time gap and what were the shortcomings what began to happen okay that caused a derailment of your commitment I'm a me chronologic I don't know it was it was 20 years married that's where we are okay that's helpful to know so we're both in church were both going 10 years yeah and both very active in our own ministries and and that's when it began and I'll tell you it was a 1993 that I came home and then that's when I confessed to Mona that I had had an affair and I need to kind of back up because that start that was a bomb that was just dropped well absolutely of our of our relationship and this was a an affair with a co-worker but it was also you know one of them ona's best friends so there was just you know just a bomb it was crazy how you know what what happened in our relationship well and I think that the question I really want to drive and Gary is what pushed you there what left what was then holing in the morgue okay let me back up just a little bit what ended up happening was this was a person that that I had met in church so we had I served and like I said we both were going a million miles an hour Mona and I and and very busy with both of our ministries but not ministries together we were separated that way and I served in a in a worship team and this was a person that I met in the worship team and it was there was nothing there was no intention to this at all we were both solid Christians this was not anything that we were ever you know it wasn't there that wasn't there but what I didn't know was I truly believed at that point that I was not vulnerable to anything like this this was never going to happen to me there's the first yells permit that is absolutely unlife all that's that's exactly because you know and maybe as arrogant as this might sound is you know I used to just joke about it I would just say you know nobody ever you know it was flirty with me or you know in my life and so it was it was like one of those things that I used to joke say you know I'll start resisting temptation the day it stops resisting me you know and because it was never gonna be an issue well that was absolutely left me so vulnerable and then I and then with Mona and I doing life just a million miles an hour and her busy in her ministry as well as the kids and the family and the management of all that and then me building the business and everything else we didn't take time to prioritize ourselves you know that us factor that was us we always just kind of took each other for granted you know and so but not in a bad way it was just it was just we were doing like yeah but again is it let me keep it in there on the rails yeah because I think for people to follow this it's really critical because many people listening right now it's possible literally thousands might be in this same game exactly Thanks so I want to speak with that tenderness and with that insight coming from you experiencing it yeah a tool for them to help so this affair went on for three years let me live okay so I'm gonna back up to that point where we were going down the path and what happened was when someone came along and that was that was a friend and started you know could be hanging on my every word and but see that we I have messed messed up I don't want to leave out a part because we served together in church and then what ended up happening was she was really well-suited for a position that opened up at my company and Mona and I talked about it and she applied for the job and so then she became she came to work with us and so that was before that was oh yeah absolutely long before they fair long before anything so so what happened at that point was you know now that that we you know spent maybe an hour together in preparation for the worship team a week now it was eight hours a day you know and so that friendship just continued to grow and continue to grow and continue to grow and that was one of those things that you just don't see out there because we became closer and closer friends and and when that person comes along that listens to you and likes you for who you are and hangs on your every word and the whole thing it starts feeding you emotionally and I got to be honest I like that that was attractive it was very attractive to me now I'm playing this justification game in my head about all well you know there's nothing going on and there wasn't there was nothing going on inappropriate outside of mamie of my heart because I liked being in the presence of this other person she was feeding me that way and so and that was a dangerous place to be but I didn't believe it was because there was nothing ever going to happen Mona we're gonna come back to you in a moment and get that emotional response when Gary told you what was happening but let's let's go back so okay she's feeding this appetite having your heart exactly she's affirming you which every man awakens up to she really likes me that's right she affirms me she thinks I'm something yeah exactly and so and so when you're sitting there and you think that this is never gonna happen and you start to convince yourself it you are so vulnerable at that point and if I can speak to the pull out there that are at this point that you are in a very dangerous position because what ends up happening is you start to justify putting yourself in this person's path and oh I'll get my coffee this morning but I'm gonna go down that path because they'll give that I'm gonna be going by her office just to say hey how's it going or whatever and so and that what happens is it's just one baby bad step after another it just becomes a just you did not wake up one day and say gee I think I'll go out have an affair absolutely not it was just one baby step after another leading into that then what was the big rock that fell I mean you're doing all these baby stuff yes what was the moment when it all came up to say that there was a moment is all just I think shrouded in this justification and stuff that's going on in your head you're just being so deceived by the enemy at this point and it's very very subtle and I think this song says it best you know it's a slow fade because you know that glance turns into an extended glance turns into maybe just a touch and then it wasn't an acknowledgement that you desire each that's right then anything it's and let me tell you that that's a huge red flag if you have a relationship with somebody and saying you know and this happened with this relationship I have to be careful around you because if this were different circumstances and you're saying this and I feel like I should confess this sin that I'm having about maybe being attracted to this person what if you had your senses at that moment what would you have done differently flee flee which is exactly what the text says the scripture says there's no question about it it was and that was even after the first when we fell into the affair we both knew we were both Christian people we both knew that God is very specific about so this continued now for three years well what happened was is we fell and then we would both we both knew that this would just absolutely torpedo both of our lives completely you know I I would lose my wife I would lose my family I would lose my business and ministry everything there wasn't anything that wouldn't be touched by this as with her and so in our infinite wisdom you know because God is very specific about sexual immorality you know you flee or to flee this well we didn't flee we just decided that we would resolve to not do this anymore and so we would just we'll it out we wouldn't do this and then we wouldn't for a long time and then the season would come when we'd get weak and then we would fall again and then it would be all we have to stop because we have to stop but this started this cycle that went on for them to be gutwrench it was terrible because what happens is you just end up so distanced from God you're holding God that's where all the excuses start to pile up oh I don't get that kind of attention from mown yeah her blamed her that way now I've heard that with other people but it was that was never the case this was just a selfish decision on my part but I was battling with this I didn't want to do this anymore I think a lot of people who Christian guys are I do remember you being a little angry which is very common when someone's in an affair they'll either be extremely loving or mean yeah here omona I want to pull you into the story because the women listening or going Mona come on why weren't you observing something what happened for you it was like you did not know I did not know they were very good at keeping the relationship separate I I thought it was cool that they were good friends we were all good friends we were doing life together and here's where I made some mistakes because I thought Gary was better than that too huh and the reality is no one is adultery is an equal-opportunity sin it transcends even spiritual maturity and so the the point was I to say I'd have to catch him literally to ever believe he'd do anything and and I forgot what God said in Jeremiah about our hearts being desperately wicked see I believe that about everybody else but not my husband and certainly not me and certainly not somebody famous or really spiritual and so we did not protect ourselves I want to be careful though because that what I'm hearing you say is that you can be bitten if you trust too much and I I don't I don't think that's what you want say how do you trust but verify I guess I said yeah I mean how do you have that trust in your spouse but you still keep your eyes open to the possibility so your communication is open okay so what Gary and I do different now is we do not put ourselves in situations where we spend a great deal of time alone with someone of the opposite sex we don't put ourselves in a position to spend time not because we think we'll fall in the next 30 minutes but because that begins an intimate relation or it can begin an emotionally intimate relationship which can then follow through into a full-blown affair some call that building hedges around your relationship that's what you're referring to that's so don't it's not that you'd necessarily don't trust your spouse it's let's let's honor each other by putting these hedges in place that's to make sure we don't fall and that knows that weakness it falls back to that what I was saying originally about being so vulnerable you know it's like it's like don't don't be thinking that you can't fall and I think that's one of the best hedges that there can ever be is don't believe that lie everybody is capable of this I think so so Gary to be forthright now you there was a cohort a colleague yeah who kind of came to you and had observed the behaviors yeah yes I'll go back to the story chronologically it had been going on for like three years and and but still you know here's Gary and just in his terror not not confessing knowing that it needed to get it in the cycle sort of cycle sort of speak and after three years there's so calluses are so deep on your heart and and you just become just just hard-hearted in the whole thing and and then I mean I hate this part but I have to I have to say it another woman that came along it was a one-night stand but it was the two-by-four - Gary's forehead that God used to just beat some sense into you how could it go so low you know I was kind of stuck in a loop and that in that thing and and this just was one of those oh my goodness how can i wow I was just this Costin would it be fair to say it was revealing who you were yeah because that was scary and it was absolutely er human appetite yeah well you start yeah you start to just convince yourself that I must be okay back in this terrible behavior and it was just God cleaning me out just BAM and I mean it was a and so at that point and even though at that point I knew something had to be done and I knew I needed to confess and get this into the light so the enemy would lose his power in all right yes and so what ended up happening was this that you're telling me about this gentleman young man worked for us as well very spiritually wise beyond his years and he caught me coming in to work one morning and said hey I need to talk to you and pulled me into the studio pulled the door closed and said Gary I I know that there's something going on here and and you really need to do something about this Wow and and then one step further and if you don't I will and and I and I need to say that because so many people hear my testimony and they in there and the offended spouse will go home and say well at least Gary came home and and you know he repented it but you were forced to I was fasting you have still been inside for something in terror you know of this ever coming out so yeah Mona I mean we have loaded the situation for you to speak to the pain in your heart the day that Gary comes home or wherever it was described that we heard it in the opening that something you knew you had that intuition that something was wrong I saw it on his face I saw it and how he stood in the doorway and I knew he met with the pastor and I thought oh my goodness our pastors drop dead but then he confessed and I remember other names going through my head and because when I asked who but I when he said her name I knew it I also knew that this was the end of a part of my life as I'd known it that this was something huge I I didn't have words for it I do now I didn't realize what a trauma the revelation of infidelity is and so I was certainly in that traumatized state the pain was overwhelming and in you know maybe we can talk about that a little bit more later but at that point I was pretty numb didn't know what I wanted to do when he told me about the one-night stand it at that moment and this was a Holy Spirit thing in my opinion at the moment he told me I knew that God had allowed that so he could see how deeply into sin he'd fallen now that that's incredible I mean what you're saying there takes an incredible maturity that that you saw that as a tool that God used in a yeah horrible I mean I I just knew that Mona I need to press you though for that emotion I mean you're giving a great place account of what was going on but my goodness how did you feel I overwhelmed pain shock I was incapacitated with pain for several months actually Gary asked me if I wanted a divorce I didn't know what I wanted he asked me if I wanted to go to counseling I said whatever for the only answer to this I said it never happened I mean no counselor can do that I was absolutely hopeless there was not one part of me that thought we could save our marriage it was over it was done I was gonna lose my best friend but while Gary was in the affair I had spent those three years growing in my relationship with the Lord and so I knew I would face the Lord and he would say what'd you do with this Mona and I didn't like I said I didn't think we'd heal but I knew I would have to say Lord I tried check-the-box I would have to check the box and so I hung around to try because I knew that's what God wanted me to do Mona we have a program called hope restored for couples that were right in your situation and it has an incredible post to year 81 percent success rate I'm really pleased with dr. Bob Paul's who runs the program there he just does a fantastic job and what I want to say about this right now though is here's the question for the intake mm-hmm and it's critical and I want your response to it they'll ask couples that are struggling like you were do you believe God can work a miracle in your marriage and it's the critical question because if the spouse is if they can say yes you don't you know the Lord he's the only one if you knew my husband but just that little crack of hope is what's needed is that where you were at you had that little bit of hope that maybe perhaps I I really don't have an honest answer to that because you have to realize in that traumatized state nothing's working right even in your brain you can't think straight it's like the widow in the ER who has just told her husband drop dead that's the depth of this wound I have had some little glimmer of hope I believe God could do a miracle no problem did I believe he would do it in me and Gary biggest question Baker Creek yeah we were at the end of the program today but we have had we've got to stick with it and you know I think people like me we're appreciating the openness this is how the church heals yes by hearing stories like this some of you might be mad at Gary I get that some you're pulling to come back tomorrow please but but we need to hear the rest of that story because it's not about either one of you in the big picture it's about God's work in your life and I think that's the reason that we need to come back and give God the glory for repairing a brokenness that only he could repair and I am grateful for the way you've approached this let me again mention hope restored that is a program if you are hearing this and you're in tears right now and you're feeling the pain because you're living the pain maybe not all the exact details would you invest in your marriage would you honor the Lord by doing what needs to be done to save it call us here at focus on the family literally this is happening hundreds of times this year couples are going to come to help restored and be restored in the name of Christ and we are grateful to you when you say yes I will try and for those who are supporting the ministry this is it if you want to stand up and be counted and be a part of helping couples especially it Christians to say I believe in God I think God can do that miracle be a part of the team I mean let's get this done let's reduce the divorce rate within the church by fifteen twenty twenty five percent maybe more that's a worthy goal and I would encourage you to consider helping us financially and praying for us and the work of Focus on the Family hey I'm John fuller and thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well

Channel: Focus on the Family

Views: 47,486

Rating: 4.8791947 out of 5

Keywords: focus on the family, focus on the family broadcast, focus on the family marriage, marriage, marriage help, marriage advice, life, love, faith, affair, how to restore marriage after affair, healing, unfaithful spouse, adultery, infidelity, hope restored

Id: eqcoY5GnqtE

Length: 25min 18sec (1518 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 21 2018