John Branyan (Christian Comedian) - Full Show LIVE 2022

I have uh I I have a philosophy that I'll I'll share with you guys um because I get this question a lot Jason and I travel around uh not always together but we we go do comedy in lots of different places uh I do comedy with cruise ships um comedy clubs college campuses and church I go to church sometimes and church people uh we got any church people here by the way [Applause] okay not 100 of the room which is cool um but uh church people ask me questions after shows they'll say seriously church people will say do you think God has a sense of humor well you think John you think God has a sense of humor he made church people oh come on there's more church people here than admitted just a second ago of course God has a sense of humor where'd we get it from laughter laughter is a gift from God laugh there's a weapon that you use to get through the tough times the things that beat you down the things that give you heart that's it's a gift and that gift that gift is Manifest through all of you through every every one of you God put something stupid in every single one of you that the rest of the world is supposed to laugh at and when you cover up that stupidity you are robbing people of a blessing from God and that's a sin Jacksonville I say embrace it because it's everywhere comedy is everywhere laughter is everywhere the problem is in our culture we can't laugh at ourselves anymore everybody just gets offended you know church people don't be offended Christian people set the bar for the rest of the world you know we should show the rest of the world how to laugh because everything that happens to us down here on the planet doesn't matter in the scope of Eternity it's all kind of a joke you know you get to heaven you're a doctor down here on Earth there's no sickness there's no disease in heaven if you're a lawyer down here you probably won't get to heaven [Applause] there's no there's no crime there's no Judicial System right even if you're a minister I got any ministers here anybody not a one a date night comedy that's a test you minister where uh what's your name Alina Selena well think about it Selena with Moses and the Patriarchs all the apostles and Jesus up there do you think they're ever going to ask you to preach sit down Isaiah Selena wants to share [Applause] there's going to be stand-up comedy I'm sure flighting up you know and notice the funny things that we say Christian people we say funny things all the time and we're not paying attention to it that's the problem we miss it we get offended because we're not paying attention we say stuff that's hilarious we say stuff like we're just here to introduce people to Jesus we just want to introduce people to Jesus Jesus already knows everybody [Applause] I know how many hairs you have on your head but I'm not good with names [Applause] I heard a preacher say God is moving here God is moving here I thought wow this must be a nice neighborhood he lives in heaven he's moving here [Applause] sensational uh fun of course God has a sense of humor you look at look at the way he made us look at the way he made you as individuals you know he could have done anything he could have made people any way he wanted to and he did this look at him look at your spouse you see what I mean could have done anything we are fantastically funny creatures without even trying it's built into us we do things like sneeze sneezes are incredible they fall into three categories there's people like me and you always know when I'm about to sneeze because it's a big Crescendo performance that precedes it I'm like thank you and then it's gone it just disappears I feel a little ripped off and I got a friend of mine that there's no warning when he sneezes you're in the middle of a conversation and my sister my sister body when she sneezes she goes and it's usually girls that do this when she sees this there's a big performance she she goes [Music] that cannot be good for you ladies you can't have ah without you that has to go somewhere it's going to wind up on your thighs I should not cellulite that's unreleased shoe [Applause] let that go you ever done this um at church maybe on Sunday morning you don't have time for breakfast you race out the door you settle down in your seat about the time the minister gets up to preach it's dead quiet in the room you're sitting there you [Music] I think that's the Holy Spirit moving have you ever done this any place where you have to be quiet at church maybe during a test to school you ever choke on your own spit foreign [Laughter] [Applause] yeah you ever you ever sneeze we should talk about sneezing you ever sneeze when you're driving and you have to keep your eyes open you're like in heavy traffic you ever done that the person sitting next to you this is what they see yeah he yeah [Applause] that's automatic you don't have to work at it farts are funny [Applause] I know I know some of you in the room are no they're not [Applause] and with all due respect to you you're wrong you are dead wrong they're not only funny they're proof that God has a sense of humor they are divinely funny they are Supernatural funny it is the mind of God that thought up that Universal punchline it's brilliant it requires no setup [Applause] you don't have to speak the language and no matter how many times you've heard it before you still laugh I picture God up in heaven after he made man he's pretty proud of himself right brings the Angels over come here look at this I made this it's man now the way I designed his digestive system to work gas builds up instead of having it float out through his pores like I did with the plants check this out [Applause] that is hysterical what's that smell I know I thought that up too [Applause] and so deaf people can appreciate them [Applause] Jesus went around with 12 fishermen fishermen ladies and gentlemen you think they were sitting around campfires oh excuse me no James and John were called the sons of thunder [Applause] in the Bible let's see yeah the problem is we just miss it we're so busy being offended we're so busy being angry that we miss all of the laughter that God sprinkles around us I was in uh or I was on the internet a couple weeks ago I found this town online the name of the town is spelled f-l-i-p-p-i-n I would move there because everything was funny at that point hey I'm John and I'm from flipping Arkansas family and I are at the flipping Church of Christ every Sunday morning I graduated from Flippin High School there's my flipping diploma on the wall go Birds [Applause] I don't know what they're called I have no idea I hope it's Birds that's a missed opportunity if it's not the reason I bring it up is it's a real place you can go to their website they're flipping website you will discover that they have no idea that they're hilarious serious about the Board of Education their Chamber of Commerce there's a picture of a squad car on the website it says on the side of the car flipping police [Applause] what's that how do they keep a straight face in an emergency somebody call them flipping cops [Applause] don't miss it just embrace the stupidity it's all around us you get you ever been doing this you ever done this driving down the road you ever passed a semi truck lean towards the window and going that's fairly stupid you ever had a semi truck past you and go [Applause] foreign it's your life a couple of weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard the sound in my house you know how you hear a sound you're not sure the source of that sound it's a little unnerving it's like 2 30 in the morning and I hear a whistling coming from somewhere in the house so I nudged my wife to ask her to go look for it sleeping because she's selfish and so I had to go myself so I'm trying to zero in on this just using auditory cues I know I get close it sounds like it's moving so I'm chasing it around in the dark for like 10 minutes and then I finally realized it's this nostril [Applause] thank you [Applause] it's just everywhere just open your eyes it's everywhere hopefully everywhere uh true story today today I was flying out of Indianapolis and I stopped at a coffee place to get coffee there was a couple in front of me and uh they ordered a uh a bagel he ordered a bagel she had a banana muffin and the guy the little Barista guy behind the counter said do you want those can I just put those in the same bag and the husband said no two bags would be better I don't know what kind of problems you have in your marriage but if your pastries can't share a bag [Applause] it's a good thing you're here well then then this is a true story then he took coffee and he puts the two bags up on the countertop and he says I think the the Barista says I think the the bagels in that bag but I'm not sure he says you can just open it up and check like would anybody not think to do that walking away from the counter it's like he didn't tell us which bag it was a bag how are we gonna know where the muffin is let's go back and ask him [Applause] does God have a sense of humor come on he invented marriage the whole idea is preposterous marriage is a hysterical idea at face value God said I'm going to take two different people a man and a woman entirely different creatures with different sensibilities different emotions different different ways and processes and I'm going to make them one foreign he started with man first he made man then he took a rib from that man and made woman and clearly that was the rib that we used to use to read minds [Applause] right she can we can't there's a separation of power it's God ordained we each have a function a different function but we each have a function that's what makes it whole and that's what makes the whole that's what makes the marriage work is the fact that we're different I've got friends I've got friends who are going through divorce they've been divorced ripped their family apart we were just two different people John problem was we were just two entirely different people yeah that's kind of the point isn't it if you were exactly the same one of you would be unnecessary and guys it would be you two entirely different people marriage is hard of course it's hard you know God it goes all the way back to Genesis you know God was making things he made the Earth and it was good he made the sky it was good he made the ocean it was good everything was good good good good good good and then he made man and he went oh that's not good that this is not I can't leave him down there all by himself he'll cover the whole planet and socks and beer cans I don't I gotta make man a helper he can't do this by himself I got to make him a helper so he did God made man a helper I don't know why he thought giving her a mind of her own would be helpful [Applause] but that's his wacky sense of humor Embrace that for what it is marriage is hard it is hard of course it's hard if it was easy you wouldn't have to take a vow to keep doing it until one of you died [Applause] but learn to enjoy the ride and embrace the differences that's what that's what gives it color that's what makes it so interesting yes it's frustrating but look at it with the right perspective this is a unique human being that has been placed into your life are they frustrating yes they are but have the right perspective you know when you order bagels or whatever it is that you do understand it's a it's a beautiful hysterical person you know we have a my wife and I are too entirely different people my wife um has a she can strike up a conversation communication is like her thing it's like she can she talks she and me no I don't I don't I don't want to um but she can strike up a conversation with anyone anywhere you know I'm talking about for any on any subject we're out to eat a couple of weeks ago and this couple walks by our table we have never seen them before in our lives and my wife goes I love that jacket that's Neiman Marcus isn't it it isn't even Marcus how'd you know I saw in the catalog where'd you get it we got New York what you got in New York in New York do they have kids yes they did you have pictures pictures [Applause] the phone will ring at our house phone rings Lori Scoops it up hello mm-hmm yep hey it's no problem I understand sweetie sure hey you want to get together next week to have lunch okay I'll call you all right I love you too bye-bye who's that wrong number there's only been one male that I have known in my 50 years on the planet who could sort of keep up with the woman in his life and that was my great grandfather great grandpa Frank now Great Grandpa Frank and my great-grandmother Mamie were married for 70 years 70 years together with the same person yeah so by the time you know that rolled around that 70th Anniversary they knew each other he knew her pretty well you know and she was finishing his sentences and she was starting his sentences and he figured out what her breathing Cadence was so he could get a word in edgewise it was like a like a little performance like she she would be lecturing us but the boy she'd say stuff like you boy Steve boys don't put your finger in your nose don't put your finger in your nose and he'd be behind her and say if you're not supposed to put your finger in your nose why does it fit so that's the goal the goal is to go 70 or 80 years together and work out your own little Burns and Allen routine that's the goal of marriage and there's so many opportunities because the differences are everywhere you know my wife have we've been married for 30 years um that's all and I thought that after 30 years I would know stuff you know I thought I would have some information and I don't know anything I'm worse off than I was after the first year because now there's expectations my wife uh after after 30 years she still asked me questions she still asked me questions questions that are impossible questions that I don't know the answers to because there are questions that no man on Earth has ever known the answers to deep probing philosophical impossible questions like what are you thinking of a guy I'm thinking nothing zero zilch zip nothing but women don't believe that you women don't believe that because you women that never happens you cannot think nothing that is an impossible State of Mind for you when your minds are blank there's still billions of calculations flying through it ankles being considered thoughts being processed organized colors being coordinated school lunches being packed she's like a four gigahertz 256 terabyte file serving computer I'm like the little solar calculator that comes free with cigarettes [Applause] I still spend time with other men right me and the guys go out we have coffee we talk never once have I ever said hey Al what you thinking [Applause] because I don't care [Applause] has this ever happened to any of you guys you guys Saturday morning I'm minding my own business on my way out to mow the yard or something and she'll stop me are you gonna wear that outside I'm just gonna mow what's the big deal look at your shirt look at your picture Sunday I come out the same door on the way to church she stops me again for an appraisal of her outfit okay sweetheart how do I look why are you asking me I'm not qualified to dress myself [Applause] there's a lot of things that we men are supposed to know how to do just automatically or or organically you know things but we don't know how to do them you know supposed to be handy men are supposed to be handy know how to fix all the electronics all this all this stuff all this stuff throughout our house John it's broken [Applause] all of our stuff [Applause] it's all busted so fix it [Applause] I know one electronic repair maneuver DVD player doesn't work dishwasher's broken [Applause] I'm certain the first semester of medical school all they do is teach male doctors not to walk into a room and say how do you feel Mr Smith is still sick foreign things from me that I never have things like tissue clean I need a tissue John you have a tissue I need a tissue Mendo carry Kleenex [Applause] to a guy carrying Kleenex and wearing long sleeves is redundant [Applause] if men carry Kleenex this have never been invented thank you [Applause] can't take my own temperature when I don't feel well I was trying to read that glass thermometer when I'm sick it's like looking into a crystal ball I handed it to her and she said this is the baby thermometer [Applause] uh so I've started doing my own uh my my own sick diagnosis because we live you know we live in an age now the internet you can go internet if I don't feel well a few months ago I had some scratchy throat wasn't feeling well so I went to WebMD online it's amazing you type in your symptoms it'll tell you exactly what's wrong with you turns out I had a cyst on my ovaries [Applause] so uh just embrace it embrace the differences that's the that's it that's the I don't get super deep um you know recognize that there's things that are wrong with you and there's certainly things that are wrong with your spouse and uh and just enjoy that you know enjoy the fact that neither one of you are perfect um I don't know where you're at you know some of you are some of you maybe have great marriages whatever that means um some of you it's a church term you know we have a great marriage I don't know exactly what that means and some of you are some of you are here and you maybe don't have a great marriage maybe you don't maybe you don't have your pastries in the same bag and but uh what I want to do real quick is uh is I want to I want to lift up the people who don't have great marriages and I mean I mean the people who you're maybe just barely hanging on and it's no fun for you because honestly I'm honestly I have a lot of respect for that I mean it's it's wonderful if you're married to your best friend and every day you know rainbows and unicorns come out and jump over your bed and uh that's that's fantastic but if it's not rainbows and unicorn if it's something else jumps over your bed and and maybe it's not house broken and it jumps over if that describes your marriage you know and you're still doing it that's valid you know that's what marriage is marriage is marriage is wonderful when it's when it's best friends and getting along marriage is is even better sometimes when it's no fun at all and you're sacrificing and you're sticking with it because that's when selflessness comes in you know I'm not having any fun but I'm going to stick with it I'm going to keep doing this because I'm giving myself to this other person I'm giving myself to the family even though I'm not personally enjoying it so can we give a round of applause to the people who are here with bad marriages yeah yeah good for you hang in there and uh and find the laughter and uh and it will get better you know because we've just got what we have to do is in this culture we have to understand that we are not perfect we've all got things to work on and that's not just me talking to you that's me talking to me I've got lots of things I need to work on uh I've been working on my vocabulary because I don't feel like I know words for things so I thought the best way to learn words would be to read stuff because there's a lot of words in literature so I started reading classic literature some of the classic you know English literature and American literature Treasure Island was my first book I was five pages into Treasure Island right and I'm going okay wow now this this is really hard to understand and it's in English I kind of speak this language why is this hard I did some research and I discovered that Shakespeare William Shakespeare wrote in the 16th century had an active vocabulary 54 000 words today me you all of us in the United States we have an active vocabulary of 3 000 words I know that's why when we read Shakespeare we're going what light wherefore through younger [Applause] put in a DVD I don't pay that cable bill so you kids can sit there and read [Applause] it made me feel bad I started thinking about little kids in the 16th century all those years ago those little kids probably had a bigger vocabulary than I have now because they were exposed to that language right that was how they learned to talk which means I don't think I'm even capable simpleton that I am of reading fairy tales to 16th century children kids books in the 16th century would be Beyond me you imagine what their literature would be like kids books it'd be like mm-hmm in time past though not long ago there lived pigs in stature little and number three who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their Fortune did set about to do thusly when they had traveled the distance pigna but first spake saying Hawken Brethren he this temp Le's realm Terry we long from Hearth and Home we shall fare I fear not well and so being collectively agreed but individually impelled the diminutive swine set about each to erect for himself and abode Pig number first had construct his house from straw picked up at second did likewise though rather not from straw instead from sticks meanwhile unique in his imagining Pig number three the directors his domicile stalwart and garish a structure made from brick entirely [Applause] ah but soon there happened along as is frequently the scenario in classic tale of protagonist Pig all red hooded child a wolf carnivorous nature in full season he called out to the straw in Scott's wine saying Brady little pig grant me entrance but Pig one recalled with sage foreboding that he is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly pinched wolf and responded immediately nay it Shout shall not be indeed [Music] with jowl to this most expected response to Wolf replied immediately then steal thyself little pig forth with shall I Endeavor employing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle yawn flipping flaxen Fortress [Applause] whereupon that issued forth from the wolf and exhale of Gale proportions that quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross and carried Aloft piglets and shattered quarters both now to claw and Fang piglet one made haste wolf in pursuit to the stick festoon sanctum of peccary secondary [Applause] causing Pig 2 to cry out in dismay well this not my knickers the marshalling of feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those Endeavors amenable or congenial a thousand pardons begged one it would seem the best painful breath hath purged me of home and sound judgment alike the malevolent blast of the Wolves exhale splattered second swine jacket shot his sanctimolia scolding simultaneously [Applause] [Music] won't squealed too stand we now amid wooden wreckage tremulous and vulnerable with Nary a strategy for eschewing the canine devour a looming and deadly proximity strategy exclaimed one what is Noble the contemplation of tactical particularities prestas we are with time restraints forbidding detailed strategical conversation I would urge we run [Music] whether by their own fleet-footed competence or the wolf's windless attitude the Bantam porkers arrived at their ultimate Kindred neighbors inexpectable brick Ingress unscathed upon the third Pig's door with urgent Hooves they pounded calling out above this pig hailed from the American colonies and possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors replied say what we Sanctuary they implored on the verge of Hysteria lest we forth with to the ravenous appetency of Yonder approaching carnivore a little confounded by their important words Pig three did render ajaw his portal whereupon one and two spilled through and collapsed Beyond his threshold innervated so you all just wanted to come in you could have said that Sinister hiss of the wolf could be heard the entrance the wolf said one and two wolves and three what you suppose he wants ugh he seeks to gain purchase within indeed he would occupy this very Alcove for he but afforded the most meager of opportunity right right I'm just going to go ask him what he wants squealed two flinging self against portal there is not not tossing external opponents save our own immediate demise what did you say about my mama [Applause] house and occupants were again engulfed in a malevolent blast of wolfish wind the foundation shook the frame rattled and low to the astonished eyes of piglets and encroaching scoundrel alike stood the third pigs lodging undaunted aghast and befuddled two queried of three how does against such Relentless and torrential Onslaught myths don't missile endure Pick 3 puffed out chest tapped a hoof to the Hearth and responded it's American made [Applause] thanks you guys God bless [Music]

Channel: Lukhanyiso

Views: 148,141

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Id: hHlHyyWs1IU

Length: 36min 13sec (2173 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 14 2022