4 Things Too Gross To Put In Pregnancy Books

hi I'm Soren buoy and I'm getting a baby we're making one my wife is making one my wife is pregnant with a baby we think it's just I had a stream where she gave birth to a bunch of kittens instead and it was just horrifying probably doesn't mean anything anyway throughout her pregnancy I've been reading a lot of books on the subject and I noticed that all of them share a common theme their terrible every single one of them is written in the same cutesy clawing voice spewing half-truths that generally paint pregnancy as an enchanting and beautiful adventure like riding bikes across Ireland and while I agree the process is magical it's it's really more of a dark magic even aside from all the unique and surprising parallels between pregnancy and say a witch is cursed there's also a whole casserole of visceral terrors happening in the uterus that are for reasons I don't understand shrouded in secrecy so in the interest of knowledge I like to make a few amendments to the pregnancy books I've read please know that I'm not doing this to scare anyone but to raise each of you up because we all come from the same place and make no mistake about it being a baby in the uterus is more metal than anything you will ever do in the rest of your life here's why number one books like What to Expect When You're Expecting give you a helpful diagram of what a fetus looks like at each month even if you haven't read the books you've probably seen these illustrations and regardless of the stage of development you'll always see the same cute little nose little mouths just the face of a newborn but here's the thing the majority of those pictures are perpetuating one very literal bald-faced lie thanks to 3d imagery you can actually see what a baby looks like in the uterus oh oh [ __ ] I knew it was coming it still it got me that cute little face you're accustomed seeing doesn't actually have any fat on it for the first twenty three weeks so it's really just skin draped over a skull why the books opted to pass on an extraordinary opportunity to draw tiny skeletor's and the bellies of moms rattling their bilkul cords like a scepter I don't know and as for that cute fleshy body well it's actually transparent throughout the first half of the pregnancy so it's essentially just like one of those see-through fish where all the guts are just right on display and speaking of guts number two if you've ever seen an ultrasound you probably knows that the baby stomach is full weird right considering that when they're born a bunch of snack wrappers and soda cans don't come pouring out - that's because the baby stomach is filled with his own urine which he will drink and then pee out again and then drink again for months in fact the amniotic fluid in which a fetus floats is really just a nice way of saying baby piss and the baby isn't actually getting any nutrients from that pee he's only practicing how to swallow and also expanding his stomach in the most disturbing way imaginable well the the second most disturbing number three at about five months each fetus develops lanugo all over its body which is essentially just a tiny fur coat to keep her warm over the long winter then just like you at the end of three months she takes that coat off and eats it eats all that hair in fact just about every baby's first bowel movement sometimes while still in the womb is just a result of eating a whole body's worth of human hair and if the baby does poop in utero then yes your assumptions are correct right back down the old gullet until the day your water breaks your baby finally escapes the eight circle of hell number four they cry they cry a lot now you may be asking with a perpetual mouthful of piss and hair how could a baby cry in there to which I would say stop stop rapping first of all just ask a question like an adult and second it's not the same kind of crying wear costume to a baby's lungs are still filled with fluids so he's not actually making any noise but thanks to ultrasound technology we know that by the 20th week his little chin Quivers his tongue depresses all followed by these regular gasps as he wails in complete silence this is immediately followed by three old men to dress with chin quiver and head tilt all the same motions without any breath just crying in there and there's nothing you can do about it but Soren you might be thinking how do you know for sure that that's a cry babies practice faces maybe he's given this a try just cut it out and what kind of little game you're playing but I let you take it a little more seriously for me also it's not the same thing at all that baby in the test you just saw only responded to crying after they scared her with a loud auditory stimulus or in humans speak they scared [ __ ] of that little sleeping girl with loud noise and then she cried because unhappiness is just instinctual it's everything else that has to be learned chapter four of my new pregnancy book great now you're pregnant the good news of course and all of this is that you don't actually remember any of it and neither will your child it's only gross and sad now that it's happening right in front of you so if you think you can get past all the weird details then trust me the prize at the end is totally worth it a chance to live vicariously through your own sex trophy or if that all sounds like too much maybe maybe looking to bike tours in Ireland hi thank you for watching that video on the horrors of being in utero I concentrated on that instead of the actual horrors that happened to women during pregnancy because I didn't feel well-equipped to discuss that but if you have any horror stories about your gums bleeding or your hair falling out or your limbs swelling to twice their size when you're pregnant please put them in the comments I'm sure everyone else would be horrified to know

Channel: Cracked

Views: 1,037,750

Rating: 4.9195809 out of 5

Keywords: Medicine (Field Of Study), Pregnancy (Disease Or Medical Condition), pregnancy books, Pregnancy (Film Subject), babies, health, soren bowie, giving birth, sketch, comedy, funny, spoof, parody, cracked, cracked.com, Humor, pregnancy

Id: 9hzWpsLR4Xc

Length: 5min 28sec (328 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 29 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/mooncycleprincess]

Oh god, crying in utero? That's horrifying and really sad. :(

[u/TaffyMama]

The sappy, girly, cutesy baby sites are why I come here for brain bleach.

Yes, I'm having a baby. Yes, it's exciting. But for the love of all that is good, I am a grown-ass nerd!

[u/Clanrathigan]

Hahaha "sex trophy", I can see my husband calling our baby that.

[u/LadyFaye]

Haha haha. Sex trophy. How am I going to refrain from saying that in front of people?

[u/Lady_Texas]

So funny I cried (and then continued to cry, because that's a totally normal thing these days).