6 Beliefs that Are Secretly Making You Unhappy

let's talk today about things that you're doing that are killing your happiness that are preventing you from being as joyful connected present at peace as you could be and these are unconscious habits that many of us have and so i want to bring them into the light today bring the unconscious to the conscious so that we can become aware of them so that we can work on breaking these habits and not only that also replacing them with other habits that are more healthy serving helpful and productive these are ones that we have been diving into a lot in the shift society in my membership program you can get more information about that in the description but i also wanted to share them with all of you because they are such big ones that when we start working on them make a huge difference in our lives and then again if you want to take this work deeper and be supported in working these ones through you can join us in the shift society the description i'm sorry the information is right down in the description you can learn more and get on the wait list there i think you're going to get a lot out of this today i know for me when i started breaking these habits my happiness meter in my life went up i just started feeling more joy and connection and peace and presence and again yeah the members of the shift society doing this work noticing big changes in their lives when they started to become aware of this and then started doing the work to turn them around if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second introduce yourself in the comment section below if you're back again always good to have you say hello um oh if you haven't already subscribe to the channel the button's about right down there turn on notifications so you do get notified when new videos come out either way my name is julia christina and i am a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of like i mentioned my amazing membership community the shift society that many of you here now are a part of so hey shifters [Laughter] where we are taking this work to a deeper level you can get more information in the description below and where you know doing this work and being supported the whole way through i help heart-centered humans break through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day and these habits really are crap that does hold us back that gets in our way and prevents us from liking ourselves and our lives so let's talk about it let's talk about these habits because according to research 40 of our capacity of of our capacity for happiness is within our own power to change forty percent we have say over forty percent of just sort of making a few tweaks and adjustments um a lot of it is in how we are thinking and approaching our lives forty percent is in our capacity that's a lot of percent and so we're going to work on that 40 today because many of these things that create unhappiness are taking away from that 40 percent the first one is well actually we're going to start by talking about um there's the three c's of illusional desires and these are three big ones that really do take away from our happiness and often make us unhappy we're going to go into depth and talking about what these are all about so the first sea of illusional desire is thinking that life should be comfortable so believe it or not people who struggle to be happy people who are often unhappy have a belief that life should always be comfortable and the reason why this is a problem is because life isn't always comfortable life is full of ups and downs for a lot of people and i think for everyone at certain points life is hard life is messy and the more we resist that and kind of get angry about the fact that there are times in our lives that are really hard and really messy the more suffering we create for ourselves understanding that pain as a human being is inevitable but suffering is optional because suffering is the resistance of the reality of pain that we go through as human beings and so this illusion that i need to get to this place and it's an illusion because there's no such thing and this is why it creates so much unhappiness because we think we need to get to this point in our life where we just coast where everything is comfortable everything is easy everything is good and then we're continuously frustrated because we can't seem to get to that place and that creates so much unhappiness because it doesn't exist there are moments there are periods there may be seasons where things are good but life is is is full of impermanence that's what life is every everything in life and everything about life is impermanent so our experiences are important we go through ups and downs in life and the other thing when it talking about trying to get to full comfort it often doesn't even wouldn't if we got there it wouldn't work well for us as human beings because we are wired to grow so getting to a point in your life where you've accomplished everything you've done everything you've controlled everything you've set everything up and now you're just going to coast you get kind of bored because we do well when we are growing and we are expanding when we are experimenting when we are experiencing and so even if there was such a place as full comfort like a free ride from here on out you still wouldn't be happy because that's not how human beings thrive and i'm not saying to just be fine with terrible things that might be happening in your life or that have happened absolutely not but also just acknowledging that life is full of ups and downs and the more we resist that doesn't mean that we have to like it but the more we resist that reality the greater suffering we create for ourselves i remember my grandpa my my dad's father saying one day who is just like such a lovely man i remember when he got cancer and you know one of my aunties said to him like dad this is so unfair why you and he looked at it and he said why not me why do i think you know in other words why do i think i'm exempt from being a human being who is vulnerable to the plights of being a human being why not me nobody deserves to get cancer but if nobody deserves it then why and people get it then why not me so this isn't to say that it's okay when bad things happen this isn't to just justify and be like well it's all good because you know bad things happen to all people not at all but this is about just acknowledging that they do that we create so much more suffering when we insist that bad things shouldn't happen of course they shouldn't happen but they do and so the more we kind of resist that the more suffering we create for ourselves like we've talked about before we don't always have control over our circumstances but we do have choices within them and like victor frankel who is a holocaust survivor said you know they can take everything from from me except the freedom in my own mind to be able to think how i want to think to be able to perceive things how i want to perceive things to be able to experience in my mind the way that i want to experience things and then the next sea of illusional desire that creates a lot of unhappiness for us is our insistence on full certainty without even realizing it so many of us are going through life trying to get certainty i need to know how this is going to go i need to know what's coming i need to know exactly what's happening i need to know what this looks like i need to know how it's going to turn out i need to know what's going to happen in one year three years five years 10 minutes and the reason why this creates so much unhappiness is because there's no such thing ever as full certainty we can have an illusion of certainty we can kind of have an idea of how things are going to play out but we know that it's not guaranteed which can create this angst for us if we resist that and i think most of us have kind of you know had to come to grips with this illusion uh in this past you know year eight or 14 months of the global pandemic where we're like we thought we knew how the year was going to go more or less we had plans you know before the pandemic hit were like we had plans we have things we had kind of had this idea of the trajectory of the year maybe we had vacation plans maybe we had um birthday plans maybe we had you know just sort of an idea i mean we had like how our jobs were gonna go and what it was gonna look like and then that was all just completely thrown on its head and realizing how vulnerable we are as human beings and how much certainty how much of certainty is an illusion and that's you know maybe bad news because it's like man nothing is certain but it's also good news because nothing is certain so i don't have to rely on that for my happiness understanding that yep i am just gonna i'm going to go through life and i'm going to continue to show up knowing that things are uncertain but what i can do right because nothing you know in 10 minutes or in 10 10 weeks or 10 months is certain what i can be certain of is how i'm going to show up right now and as soon as we kind of release this clinging to certainty in order to be happy we actually become happier because we there is no such thing as certainty it's that illusion that kind of cloud up in the sky where you can see it and so you get close and think you can touch it but you reach out as you get there to the white fluffiness and you reach out to grab it you realize that your hand just goes right through because the the solidity of it is an illusion which brings us to our third sea of illusional desire and that is full control there's no such thing of no such thing as full control of anything ever similar to certainty but it's interesting how much we sort of align and and and try to orchestrate our lives around trying to get control we think that control is going to give us a sense of safety but again because in the back of our minds we know that full control is not possible we are always feeling insecure or it's something that we always need more of right i need more control more control more control and it's interesting how our desire for control our push for control often stresses us out and makes us really anxious but the reason why we want control is because we want to feel less stressed out and anxious because we think if we have full control over everything then we don't then nothing is uncertain nothing is unpredictable you know nothing bad is going to happen and then i can feel safe and secure which is kind of ironic we stress ourselves out trying to get something that doesn't exist in order to get this thing that doesn't exist to prevent us from feeling really stressed out there's no such thing as full control ever we think that control is going to be the antidote to anxiety the more control i can get the less anxiety i can feel but it's actually the opposite is true the more control i try to get the more anxious i feel so what is the solution the antidote to anxiety is not control the antidote to anxiety is trust trust is scary and it's vulnerable because it's not certain but the more we build trust the more secure we feel because when we believe that we can trust ourselves and even trust that whatever happens in life not that everything is going to go perfectly fine and easy and breezy all the time but building that trust within ourselves that no matter what happens i will be able to handle it if building that self-trust is something that you would like to do and learn how to do i have a guide it's the simple steps to self-trust it's in the description below you can grab that it's going to walk you through exactly how to build it the the key steps that you need in order to build that self trust so make sure you grab that it's in the description below so those are our three c's of illusional desires that really do impact our happiness that lead to a lot of unhappiness so now we're going to go to the next three and we're just going to talk about three other things that make people unhappy that may be making you unhappy without even really realizing this habit and the first one we're going to talk about here is the habit of focusing on what's going wrong versus what's going right and i'm not talking about being kind of this delusional like you know everything is rainbows and butterflies and sunshine and it's all good and there are no problems right i'm not talking about that kind of obnoxious positivity but i am talking about letting our mind look for the good look for the things that are going right because the truth is in most circumstances there is both there are things that are not great and they're things that are great and we often think that by focusing on the things that are going wrong or that are difficult or that are hard or they're bad right we're being realistic but the truth is why is focusing on this one part of this hole more realistic than focusing on this part of the hole they're all part of the whole and now maybe even it's you know helpful to focus on both parts of it to have a balanced perspective i talk about you know in the shift society we're not taught we don't work on like positive thinking we're working on responsible thinking because so many of us just let our brains run rogue into whatever thoughts that it automatically goes through and we don't take responsibility for those thoughts we just let our brain do what it does we go along with it we feed into it and then we get stuck in it and so responsible thinking is about noticing that there is both and we also get to choose where we want to direct our thoughts let's give an example of someone in your life who you maybe this you maybe it's several people in your life maybe you have a habit of finding the flaws in other people picking them apart noticing what they're doing wrong what's wrong with them what you irritate you about them what you find annoying and so you're focusing on all of those things but then missing out on the rest of them the things that you do appreciate and recognize and respect and like about them and this can just be a habit right i used to have this habit i used to have this habit of just sort of like picking people apart until i realized that it was just you know a projection of my own insecurities where i was trying to um you know put other people down in order to make myself feel better and you know really realizing that that's just not helpful and that i had to do my own work to be able to get over that but part of getting over it was breaking the habit and stopping like just stopping myself for looking for the things that were wrong even like with other people in my own life in my pro you know in the work that i was doing i was always sort of picking apart everything that was wrong everything that wasn't good enough and again came from my own insecurities and not feeling good enough but we can also you know be mindful of that be mindful of stopping the habit as we're doing the inner work to trust ourselves more to feel better about ourselves from the inside we can also break those habits on the outside which is going to stop feeding the beast sort of this chicken or the egg kind of thing where we can break habits on the outside that are feeding our insecurities and that will help you know reduce our insecurities and then as we feel less insecure we stop kind of finding everything that's wrong we stop kind of seeing the world in these kind of pick apart um you know not good enough uh inferior kind of negative ways and so creating a more balanced view or even giving yourself opportunities to look at instead of always thinking about what's wrong focusing on what's right the next habit that a lot of people have that leads to a lot of discontent and unhappiness is we've talked about it here before comparison and really how destructive this one is for us how we look around at what other people are doing and often feel terrible about ourselves because we assume that if someone is doing something that we're not or that we think we should be doing that whether somehow something you know means something about us that we are less than that we're not good enough that we don't have what it takes right whatever that is you can even be going on in your life just feeling fine and feeling like you're doing well and things are you know going pretty good and you're showing up and you're moving forward and you're making strides and then all of a sudden you'll start to look around and see what other people are doing and you're like oh my gosh other people are further ahead other people have done more other people are more successful other people have it more together and then just by that comparison alone the thought that beca that what somebody else is doing can somehow threaten or take away from what you're doing you make yourself feel terrible whereas a minute ago you were feeling okay maybe even you were feeling good so putting those blinders on like in horse races the horses have those blinders on so they're not distracted with everything that go that's going on around them or whoever is going on around them that they stay focused on their forward momentum on what they're doing in the way that they know how to do it and they don't let the things around them distract them and that's what comparison is it's a distraction that throws us off usually makes us feel pretty terrible and limits us and holds us back because we then we start to say well i can't do this like they do or i'm not good enough so why do i even bother instead of being like why i'm bothering is for me because this is something that's important to me i want to build this i want to grow this i want to accomplish this i want to have this i want to learn this i want to experience this because it's important to me regardless what what anyone else has going on my journey is my journey and their journey has nothing to do with my journey other than in my thoughts the only way someone else's journey can impact yours can take away from yours is if you think it can keeping your eyes on your own trajectory on your own path on your own journey and only using others as inspiration to see what's possible and then our next often unconscious habit of people who struggle to be happy is the assumption that things are going to turn out badly or not work out if you have a relationship a presentation at work a project that you're taking on a business that you're starting whatever that is in your life that you have this thing and you just assume that it's going to turn out badly that it's not going to work out that it's going to fail and then you feel really unhappy because if you're going to assume all those things then chances are you're gonna feel really unhappy and the truth is again you don't know right there's there's there's options for both it could not go exactly how you want it to go it could maybe not work out or it actually also could and it's interesting again how those are both possibilities right they're both equal possibilities and maybe even a lot of cases it turning out good is a lot more likely but your brain is just kind of grabbing on to the possibility of bad and that's what you're going to decide to go with but there are both possibilities and you're letting your brain go with the one that is making you feel miserable instead of redirecting into the one that isn't now even coming back to the pandemic where i live at this time and place in history um there are still like a lot of like restrictions in place there's still a lot of measures being taken to kind of you know still things haven't opened up there's not kind of full freedom to just like go about our regular lives and you know no one's really booking travel people are kind of needing to stay close to home um yeah like that life has not gone back to at least some semblance of normal yet and nobody actually knows you know we haven't been told when it will and so optional thoughts i could think oh my gosh this is awful it's never going to end something else is going to come up just when things start to get better you know some other thing is going to come up that's going to make things terrible again and we're never getting out of this and i could think that and i could probably feel pretty terrible but we don't know that there's no certainty around that it's not guaranteed and yeah we just don't know or i could think yep it's kind of looking at how other parts in the world other parts of the world are doing and kind of what's been going on i think it's pretty safe to assume that in the next couple months things are going to start opening up again we're going to be able to travel again in a few months you know i'm going to i've actually booked travel for a few months from now it's all fully refundable if i need to but i've booked it i've booked a trip to hawaii because i'm like you know what i want to look forward to that i want to just assume that that's going to be possible i'm going to just i'm going to choose to think that if we keep going in this direction that things are going to get better that we're going to have more freedom that we're going to be able to do a lot of the things that we used to do and that there's going to be a sense of normalcy that it's coming both are optional thoughts everything is terrible it's never getting better versus you know it's coming and it's going to get better soon both of them are optional thoughts no one knows for sure but which thoughts are going to give me the feelings that i want to have now so neither of them i mean we could say that neither of them are delusional thoughts and both of them are delusional thoughts because we don't know because we don't have certainty right and so i'm going to choose to think the thoughts that are going to give me the feelings that i want to have and thinking that things are getting better and i'm going to be able to go to hawaii in a few months that is giving me feelings that i like having it's giving me an experience of life that i enjoy having so that is what i am going to choose to think so looking at habits a lot of these thought habits that we might not even be aware of but how when we continue to let them go go on sort of on their own the more we struggle with our happiness which one of these were you like oh wow i totally do that without even realizing it okay i'm gonna start working on that i'm gonna start working on not only breaking that habit but also creating a different habit habit that is going to lead to more of my happiness going to help me feel more present and connected and joyful and and content understanding that forty percent of our capacity for our own happiness is within our pa our own power to change and that comes from our thoughts our perspectives our interpretations how we are seeing things how we are thinking about things this is the core of what we do in the shift society we don't just go in there and learn how to think positive we learn how to see what thoughts and beliefs and perspectives and assumptions are holding us back and then we undo them kind of dismantle them and then redo recreate and rebuild them into ones that are more healthy helpful serving productive and allow us to feel how we want to feel create what we want to create and live how we want to live this is what we do in the shift society taking this work into a deeper level step-by-step process on how to change our brains how to shift our brains if you want to get more information about that get it in the description below in the meantime get that simple steps to self-trust that is huge for building more of that sense of kind of solid security and kind of sense of groundedness in your life regardless of whatever or whoever is going on around you if you found this helpful can i ask you to like the video that just helps to get it out in front of more people the youtube algorithm likes that that would be super helpful to me um and then also yeah if you want to share it out if there's someone in your life that you think would benefit from this then please do share this with them get this information into as many brains as possible so that we can together make the world a better place one at least half manage mind at a time we're going for learning how to manage our minds better and knowing how much that changes not only our own lives but changes how we're showing up in life which then impacts the entire world if more people are showing up with managed minds it makes the entire world a better place subscribe to the channel if you haven't already turn on notifications um always good to have you here and until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 35,222

Keywords: beliefs that make you feel hopeless, why am I unhappy, I want to be happy, how to be happy, why am I so unhappy, unhappy, feel unhappy, feeling unhappy, julia kristina unhappy, julia counsellor, psych2go, why am I always unhappy, boost happiness, be happier, things that make you unhappy, beliefs that make you unahppy, CBT for happiness, youtube therapist, CBT for depression, habits that make you unhappy, more happy, happiness, happiness habits, julia kristina, brene brown

Id: US3e9IhB1Ss

Length: 28min 30sec (1710 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 03 2021