How to Stop Letting Others Guilt You

I've been getting a lot of messages from many of you asking me to talk about guilt this is a big topic something that a lot of us struggle with it's a complex topic and it can get muddled in between a lot of other things like remorse and shame and so we're gonna talk about all three of those today but mostly focusing on guilt in a couple different ways when it comes to things that we've done that we feel guilty about when it comes to how we play into other people's guilt and when it comes to us laying guilt trips ourselves we're gonna clean this up so that we can stop feeling guilty when it's not necessary and in the majority of the cases it's not if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the Internet take a second introduce yourself in the comments section below so that we can say hello subscribe to the channel if you haven't already and if you are back I am so glad to have you here again I love this community that we have built here together so thanks for coming back either way my name is Julia Kristina and I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of the shift society I have a master's degree in counseling psychology and I work to help heart center go-getter men and women break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day and if you are not in the shift' society you need to be in the shift' society this is where we are taking this work to the next level and doing it with teaching and training and deeper work and help and support and guidance every step of the way if registration isn't open when you click on the link in the description below make sure you get on the waitlist so let's talk about guilt let's talk about this piece of the crap that holds us back because it really does so we do need to clear up a little bit for the intents of this teaching about the difference between guilt and shame and remorse because we often use these terms intertwined and even in a lot of the information out there and a lot of the articles out there and a lot of the definitions out there it not really clear which one is which but I have sort of my own understanding of the difference between the three of them and so I'm going to tell you that now and that's we're gonna what we're gonna use here as we're talking about it today so if we can look at guilt as an acknowledgment that I did something wrong where we have this this barometer this this this this way of knowing that what we did wasn't good and so saying something like I did something wrong or I did something bad that would be guilt shame is different shame is not acknowledging the action as something that we did that was bad it's acknowledging ourselves as something that is bad it goes down to that identity piece and thinking that if I did something wrong I am something wrong and then remorse is what we feel when we have done something that we're feeling guilty about and we wish we hadn't done it so it's like regretting it and wishing it hadn't happened so I hope that that helps to clear things up a little bit about the difference between the three but first let's dive into and talk a little bit more about guilt because guilt is not always a bad thing when used properly guilt can be an actually helpful adaptive thing when it causes us to take a pause and take a step back and to question our behaviors to question our intentions to question our actions to question what the outcome could be if we do this thing or don't do this thing it can help keep us a little bit more in line if we have this barometer of like hey I don't want to do this because that wouldn't be a good thing and that would cause problems and I would feel really guilty if I created a bunch of problems if I was a really mean person if I did something really hateful and hurtful I would feel bad and I don't want to feel bad about doing that stuff and so I'm not going to do it it can also be a good thing when we have done something bad when we can take a step back and be like hey that wasn't cool I feel bad about having done and I don't want to do that again cuz I don't like this feeling of feeling bad about having done something that was hurtful or harmful or hateful so in that way it can be used as a barometer it's our it can be used well when it keeps us being being compassionate and being considerate when it makes us conscious of our choices guilt and empathy are often intertwined and that's a good thing we don't want to hurt other people empathy is about being able to feel with someone else to be able to understand what someone else is going through to be able to put ourselves in their shoes and then guilt comes in when we acknowledge that we have done something that was hurtful or harmful to someone else and not wanting to do that because knowing that we would want to have someone else do that to us so in that regard guilt is helpful when it's not helpful and there are a lot of ways that's not helpful when we use it as a form of self punishment when we use it to tell ourselves that were terrible people and then that crosses over into shame when we don't say I oh shoot like I made a mistake that wasn't cool I need to do something about this I need to make this right we tell ourselves I am a mistake I'm a terrible human being I am a waste of space I am a horrible person whatever that is when we turn that into shame that is not helpful it's not productive it actually creates more unhealthy unhelpful behavior because shame baguettes shame when I feel like a terrible person then my emotions are right up here at the surface because I mean all of this shame right now and I feel just like awful then I'm likely to either lash out right because we've got if something happens that triggers us or that upsets us we've got nowhere for it to go because we are filled to the brim with shame we've got nowhere for it to go we can't process it we can't take a step back we can't look at it we can't understand it we react and then we end up doing or saying something hurtful or harmful again which creates more shame you see how that works or we turn to really unhealthy coping methods to try to numb the shame so turn to food or alcohol or in incessant social media scrolling or shopping compulsive shopping any kind of destructive unhelpful compulsive behavior it's a form of self soothing because we feel so awful it's a form of avoiding it's not the healthy self soothing it is the numbing part of it and that creates even more shame because now we're like now I've done this thing to help to try and help myself feel better but now afterwards it's made me feel worse so now I haven't even more shame so that is when guilt is not healthy or helpful when we are using it to make ourselves feel worse and sometimes we think that it's a good thing right in our brain somewhere it's kind of twisted up we're like well maybe if I feel like a bad person that'll make me a better person but that's just not true when we feel like a bad person we feel like we've got nothing to lose and nothing to gain this is just the way that we are and there's nothing we can do so that's when guilt is not healthy not helpful when we turn it into shame another way that guilt is not healthy or helpful is when we are playing into it to try to control other people's feelings so we don't have to feel bad and let me take this one back because I was poor like what did she just say but let's look at this so when someone is saying something and you are feeling guilty they are we call it they're laying a guilt trip on us but oftentimes it's just them saying things that we are allowing ourselves to believe certain things about ourselves that's gonna take that's going to dictate our behavior so that we don't have to think those things about ourselves right so let's give an example let's say your mom says to you oh you never call me you used to call me all the time we call it a guilt trip right we're saying that she's laying a guilt trip on us because we're thinking that we've done something wrong by not calling her instead of just saying like that is my choice to not call and I don't have to feel like a bad person for not calling my mom whenever she wants me to call her I am allowed to decide what I want to do with my time and my choices and my life and she's allowed to not like it she's allowed to feel bad about it she's allowed to have expectations of me that I don't fulfill but we use and we take those messages in and we say oh I feel like I feel like I've done something wrong because someone didn't like what I did or didn't do and so we feel guilty because we think that if we are doing something or not doing something that someone wanted us to do then we are somehow doing something wrong instead of just letting them have their expectations without us thinking that we need to fulfill them but then what we do is we think oh I'm doing something wrong because they're unhappy and we're going to talk we talk all about this and the people-pleasing video I'm gonna put the link to that here about people pleasing and trying to make other people happy and how that's just all completely backwards but we are trying to do this stuff because we want them to feel better we play into their their thing that they've got oh and we call it they're laying a guilt trip on us and so we play into it so that we can try to make them happy so that we don't have to feel like we're doing something wrong so that we don't have to feel like a bad person so we play right into it because we don't want to feel like a bad person because we're making it mean if they don't like it there's something we've done something wrong do you see how that works and I'm not talking about becoming a narcissist and being like I don't care about anyone else I'm just gonna do whatever I want and your feelings are up to you and I'm not responsible for them because that's just not gonna go well we're gonna find ourselves really lonely and really disconnected from everyone and everything around us but that you know what I'm talking about here there is a difference between trying to always make people happy and just being considerate and kind towards other people there is a difference and you are allowed to do things that are important to you even if it's not fulfilling somebody else's idea or expectation of you it's gonna depend on the relationship if you are in a marriage or in a really close relationship with someone there is gonna be more negotiation that goes on around who's in charge of what and what the expectations are and who's willing to meet what what expectation but that's a whole other topic for a whole other day and we're not going to go into that but really looking at guilt and getting curious what am feeling guilty about if I did something wrong then I can take responsibility for that and I can apologize for that and we can work that out but if it's just that I'm not meeting somebody else's arbitrary expectation yeah maybe we need to have a conversation but feeling guilty and then doing what they want to try and make them feel good so that we can feel like good people is just not a good strategy because what it does is it actually doesn't make us feel good and makes us feel resentful because we feel like we are being manipulated and coerced into doing something and not taking responsibility for our own choices our own lives our own time and then the third way guilt just isn't helpful is when we use it ourselves to try to manipulate other people to fulfill our wants or meet our needs when we are not being authentic and open and honest with what we want or think or feel when we're using it as a backdoor method to communicate it doesn't work and it doesn't feel good and it ends up creating a bunch of issues in relationships it creates a bunch of tension it creates a bunch of anger and resentment within that relationship and maybe you're doing it because you grew up in a home where it wasn't safe that we weren't allowed to be open and honest and clear and communicate in open ways in honest ways and so you learned these backdoor methods these roundabout kind of sneaky ways of communicating because that was the only way that you could get your needs met that you could have your wants heard that people would be there for you is if you were able to guilt them into doing it but now as an adult we do better because we know better we know it's not healthy or helpful even though in our brain in the back of our brain we still have that childhood fear that we're going to be rejected that we're going to be criticized that we're going to be punished that something bad is going to happen if we ever speak up in a clear and honest way and so we're letting that fear dictate that fear from our past dictate our present we can learn better and we can do better now being open and honest and clear and I'm gonna tell you I came from a family where there is a lot a lot of enmeshment a lot of codependence and a lot of guilt trips and so I grew up using guilt as a really just sort of normal way of communicating my wants and needs but the thing is for better or worse and at a time it felt for worse but now I know it was for better I married someone who does not play into guilt that stuff does not fly with him he is not coerced or convinced by guilt in any way and I learned this really early on when he wasn't feeding into my guilt he wasn't taking my hint even how obvious I thought I was making my hint he would call me out on it he maybe say what are you trying to say what do you want right now what do you need right now what's going on and he would call me out on it or else he'd just ignore it altogether and wait until I grew up and communicated like a grown-up so he didn't feed into it I couldn't use this as a way to get what I wanted which is great now because it taught me that this was not healthy and it's was not helpful and it's one of the reasons why our relationship is healthy and strong and we've been together my husband have been together for almost 17 years but it's because we communicate we are honest with each other we have tough conversations even if it's hard even if it's uncomfortable we ask for what we want and we don't wait for the person to guess and then get angry and resentful when they don't do it or we lay hints or we try to guilt them into doing it and then that creates all of this drama and all this upset and all this frustration guilt doesn't feel good for anyone it doesn't actually feel good for us either when we are not being honest we use it because that's what we learn and we feel like that's our only option but it's not so guilt can be helpful when we are using it as a barometer for something that we've done that wasn't helpful or kind or good and we are can take responsibility for that and apologize for that and deal with it it is not helpful when we use it as a way to punish ourselves to manipulate other people or to feed into someone else's attempts at manipulation learning how to speak up learning how to say no learning how to own our voice is something a lot of us struggle with and so I have a free download for you it's called 25 ways to say no you can get it in the description below it's gonna help you get started and if you want to do this deeper work if you want to go to the next level come and join the shift society if registration isn't open get on the wait list so that you are the first to notes you can get up and get in there as soon as possible it's a life changing place you're gonna love it like the video share it out subscribe to the channel and until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 25,718

Rating: 4.9670658 out of 5

Keywords: let go of guilt, how to let go of guilt, guilt vs shame, guilt, feeling guilty, understanding guilt, how to understand guilt, how to deal with guilt, guilt tripping parents, guilt and shame, how to not be manipulated by others, guilt and manipulation, Paul McGregor, Evan Carmichael, julia kristina, julia kristina guilt, regret and remorse, mel robbins, stop being manipulated in a relationship, stop being controlled by guilt, guilt trip, How to Stop Letting Others Guilt You

Id: EhSViJWnFR8

Length: 16min 35sec (995 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 11 2020