9 Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Avoid

if you struggle with feeling good about yourself or feeling just solid in who you are then you're gonna get a lot out of this talk today i talk a lot about becoming more emotionally intelligent and becoming more emotionally secure because of how important this is because of how much it changes our daily human experience while we are here on this planet when we are feeling good about ourselves it changes how we show up it changes how we feel it changes our relationships it changes the experiences that we have we do different things we act in different ways we go for different things we create different things when we are coming from a solid secure sense of who we are that so much of our human experience comes back to what is going on inside of us and so today i want to talk about some just common phrases that people who have worked on their emotional intelligence who have become more emotionally secure things that they make a habit of not saying and it's not because they were just born this way and they automatically just never occurred to them to think these things and to say these things it's because for most of them for the majority of them they've done the work because they've intentionally looked at these thoughts that are coming up that caused them to say these things and they've learned to challenge those thoughts and turn those around and think different and when we think different we feel different and when we feel different we do different and when we do different we have different and so learning how to catch these phrases how to catch these words these statements that so many of us make learning how to catch them on the outside and then changing the way we are thinking on the inside i think you're going to get a lot out of this one learning to do these ones differently think these and say these differently has completely changed my life and i hope they really help you as well if you are new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second introduce yourself in the comments if you're back say hello i love getting to connect with you oh subscribe to the channel if you haven't already like the video i appreciate so many of you for liking the videos for sharing them out for getting them in front of more people this allows me to keep showing up and to be able to provide this these teachings for you so thank you for those of you who are so incredibly supportive um either way my name is julia christina i'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of my incredible community that i am just so proud of and so grateful to be a part of and to be leading the shift society it is full of incredible men and women here to do this work to take this to the next level to go deeper and they are having big shifts in there they're having big transformations so come and join us the information is in the description i have a master's degree in counseling psychology and i work to help heart center go-getter men and women break through the crap that is holding the back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day and breaking through and not saying these crappy phrases that are not healthy or helpful will help you to like yourself and your life more every day and the first phrase is i'm a terrible person how many of you have ever said that if you've had a mistake or if you've messed up or if you've done something you're not proud of that automatically you go you go into self-shaming and tell yourself that you are a terrible person because you made a mistake that is not helpful because what happens when we are shaming ourselves is that we just feel terrible and when we feel terrible we are more more likely to do things that are not healthy or helpful when we are feeling this tension inside all of the shame and all this anger and all of this self-hatred then we usually act those things out in not healthy ways we we are less patient we we yell at people more we take things more personally we get more reactive and so self-shaming when we have made a mistake gives us the opposite outcome of what i think we want like we think like oh if i tell myself i'm a bad person then i'll be motivated to do better but the opposite is true when i tell myself i'm a bad person my brain is almost like resolves itself and resigns itself to say well you're a terrible person there's nothing you can do so why bother trying let's just feel terrible instead of being able to say you know if i make a mistake i'm not a terrible person but i made a mistake and i need to do something i need to change something i need to deal with this in some way but it doesn't mean that i'm a terrible person means i'm a human being like every human being who is imperfect and i can learn from my mistake i can you know do what i can to fix the mistake i can resolve what needs to be resolved and just deal with it but shaming myself is not a healthy way it's a habit for many of us we don't even realize it but watch that one catch that one so the next thing that emotionally intelligent people do not say is when someone has done or said something to them that hurts them or that they don't like or that doesn't feel good for them they don't automatically say well that person is a terrible person because they are able to take a step back and see that that person is dealing with their own stuff and they are offsetting that emotion onto the other person or on to them that that person is dealing with their own pain and their own shame and that's where these words and these behaviors that they are doing is coming from now just set an aside here showing understanding for why someone else acts in ways that are hurtful or harmful showing understanding for that isn't about excusing it it isn't about saying well you know because that person is i understand that person's struggling or suffering and that's why they acted like an a-hole that that means it's okay no absolutely not but understanding helps us it helps us to be able to heal from it faster it helps us to be able to move through it pat faster because we are not taking it personally we understand it's because it's an offset of what they have going on that they are offsetting that energy to try and get rid of the tension they are trying to get it out and it ends up we get we are getting caught in the crossfire of that battle that they are having with themselves so emotionally intelligent people are able to recognize that and see it and not get caught up in it full transparency a little while ago i had a pretty big conflict with someone that i'm close with it was a pretty intense conflict one of the more intense ones that i've had in my life and um afterwards i was reflecting on it i was thinking about it and i was thinking about how this person said some pretty nasty things they fought dirty and kind of hit below the belt and i was like wow that was really that really hurt and that didn't feel good obviously but then i was also thinking about it and i was like you know what this fight came because i was feeling stressed and they were feeling stressed and two stressed people together is not a great combination and also understanding that this person is dealing with a lot of their own emotional turmoil which then kind of the more shame someone has the nastier they get in a fight because the more turmoil they have the more they need to kind of offset that stuff and so just being under able to understand that so i didn't vilify this person be like oh my gosh they're a terrible person i'm like no they're a hurting person they're a person who is in pain and this is how they are acting out from that pain this is not about me this is not personal the next thing that emotionally intelligent people make a habit of not saying is i can't do it we have a rule in our house with my kids if they are ever struggling with something they're not allowed to say i can't do it they can say i'm feeling frustrated they can say i'm having a tough time with this they can say i need some help but they're not allowed to say i can't do it i think often we just we kind of use that phrase as this like offset of our own frustrations be like oh it doesn't work and i can't do it and not really realizing that what that does is it kind of creates this learned helplessness in our brain that we start to tell ourselves that if something is tough if something is challenging well then it automatically means that we can't do it instead of being able to take a step back and be able to say okay this is hard what can i do to figure this out what more what tools do i need what support do i need who can i ask for help i've definitely done this when it comes to technology i'll be sitting on my computer trying to figure something out i'll just sit there i'll say to my husband who's sitting across the room at his computer and be like oh this is so stupid i can't do it i can't figure this out this is dumb and i'm never gonna be able to do it and he's like to say wait a second let me come there and i'm going to show you and instead of getting myself all in a sit about it i could have just said i don't know how to do this can you help me i can't figure this out i'm struggling right now and letting ourselves just acknowledge that we are having a struggle that we are feeling uncertain that something is hard and then getting the help and support we need for it instead of shooting ourselves in the foot and just sort of claiming that we can't do something when most human beings can do a lot of things i'm not going to say most things i don't know but most human beings we can do a lot more than we think we can we can figure things out we can get support we can get help so not claiming that sort of self-defeat right off the bat the next thing similarly to the i can't do it is i'm stuck i hear so many people saying this i'm stuck what stuck often means is i don't feel good i don't like where i'm at but i don't really want to put the effort and energy in to making a change i want it to be easy i want it to be straightforward i don't want to expend any energy or effort i want everything to just be okay but i don't really want to have to do anything about it i know this can be a tough one and i don't want you to think that i'm calling you out i want to be calling you in to be taking more charge of your own life to be able to recognize and realize that you are in charge of your life and your choices and what you make of it and what you do with it we don't always have control over our circumstances but we always have choices within them and claiming for ourselves that i'm stuck often comes to something that i call results entitlement that we feel entitled to have a certain result in our lives in whatever it it is if it's in the work that we're doing if it's in um you know if it's in our relationships if it's at our jobs saying i'm stuffed it's a project that we're taking on we tell ourselves well i'm stuck if it's about making a decision about pursuing a goal or a dream we say i'm stuck often it's because we don't really want to put in the effort we don't want to have to put in the effort we want it to come easier when it comes to our health right when we want to be feeling healthier and taking better care of our body and eating healthy and moving our bodies because we want to feel just good we say i'm stuck because often we're finding it hard and our human brain doesn't like things that are hard and so instead of saying okay what do i need to do get to get unstuck we just sort of claim this defeat which speaking of just a little bit of an aside here is this concept that's going to really help with this is the quality of our lives is often determined by the quality of the questions we are asking ourselves so often we are saying to ourselves like why isn't this working why am i not good enough why can't i do this right and we're not even actually answering the question we're just sort of qualifying it as like i'm stuck i'm not good enough it's not going to work for me instead of asking better questions what can i do to get unstuck what's one thing i can do to take one step forward what's who's one person i can reach out to for support what's one action that i can take that's going to help me learn how to get unstuck whatever that is ask better questions what haven't i tried that what else could i try what else could i do who else might be doing this thing that i want to do who else could i be looking to for guidance for that because obviously it's possible someone else is doing it what else could i do who else could i look to so this idea that there is no such thing as stuck the next thing that emotionally intelligent people don't say is similarly to this i'm stuck is i'm confused confusion is a lie confusion is often what we say to avoid failure yeah when you're like i'm confused i don't know what to do it's because you secretly think that there's a right decision and you don't want to make the wrong one because you don't want to fail and so you're like i'm confused about what the right decision is to make and so we stay stuck in that confusion that's perfectionist brain perfectionist brain telling you you have to get it right that you can't make a mistake that you can't do something you're going to regret but here's the thing when it comes to any decision that we're making nothing is guaranteed we never fully know what's going to happen we never can fully guarantee the outcome so insisting on full certainty before we make a decision is a losing battle because there is no such thing as full certainty we can have a general idea and we can have hope and we can plan and prepare and have an idea and sort of just a sense that something is going to go a certain way something's going to turn out a certain way but we can never be fully guaranteed so coming back to this one about confusion and asking yourself in any area of your life where you've told yourself i'm confused are you really confused or are you just afraid of regret and if you are afraid of regret why why are you afraid of making a mistake what are you going to do to yourself how are you going to treat yourself what are you going to make it mean about yourself if something doesn't turn out the way that you want it to turn out again this so much comes back to our relationships with ourselves if things don't go your way if you fail or if you get rejected or if it doesn't work out are you going to kick yourself or are you going to catch yourself if you fall the next thing that emotionally intelligent people do not say is i have no reason to struggle i hear this one a lot from people that will say to me like i've got this going on i'm you know i'm really struggling with this and i'm really feeling like bad about this and my job isn't going well my relationship isn't going well and i have a parent who is who is who's whose health is failing and i have kids that need me and i'm trying to do all this stuff and then we'll say well but i have no reason to struggle because there's so many people who have it so much worse so here's the thing with this there's always going to be somebody who has it worse absolutely there is going to be has someone who has it worse than someone else so ultimately kind of what we're saying with this one is unless i have it the worst out of every human being on the planet i am not allowed to struggle things are not allowed to feel hard i am not allowed to have my emotions and you absolutely are things are allowed to feel hard you're allowed to have your human experience now this doesn't mean we kind of get stuck in that and say well things are so hard and there's nothing i can do i'm stuck i'm confused right and we gotta kind of get stuck in that spiral but we are allowed to say things are feeling hard right now i'm struggling right now what do i want to do about that how do i want to approach that how do i want to deal with that because we can't actually deal with something or move through something or solve or resolve something if we're unwilling to acknowledge that it exists if we say well you know i shouldn't struggle i shouldn't be struggling because someone else has it worse well you are struggling so saying that someone else has it worse isn't stopping the struggle it's just making you feel terrible about struggling it's making you actually not want to deal with the struggling because now you feel bad for struggling so now you feel bad for feeling bad which makes you feel extra bad instead of saying this is my experience in this moment what do i want to do about it how do i want to deal with this how do i want to move through this and the next thing that emotionally intelligent people do not say i can't stand this feeling i can't handle this feeling the things that we as human beings do to numb avoid or repress our emotions because we don't think we can handle them the things we do are creating so many bigger problems for ourselves we are the most medicated addicted obese human beings on the planet in this time in history and so many of those things that we are doing are to avoid feeling our feelings because we think we can't handle our emotions because we've never been taught how to feel our feelings how to be with our feelings how to process our emotions that our feelings are sensations in our bodies that that's it your feeling is just a sensation in your body and i'm not saying that it's not uncomfortable i'm not saying that those feelings feel good but we often make them so much bigger than they actually are instead of being able to take a step back and to be able to process our feelings instead of numb avoid or repress our feelings we do this a lot in the shift society the first section of the core lessons in the program are about learning how to process your emotions learning how to be with your emotions and for a lot of people they've said they've just gone through that first part of the teaching and they're like oh my gosh that was life-changing in and of itself but learning how to be with our feelings learning how to not run or avoid our emotions and actually recognizing and realizing how many problems we are creating for ourselves by doing that i'm not saying it's easy [Music] but the alternative is making things worse and the next thing emotionally intelligent people do not say is i shouldn't be having this feeling hands up if you ever judge yourself for your emotions and say oh there's something wrong with me for feeling this way i'm weak or flawed or broken or weird for having this feeling in this moment that we judge and shame and blame ourselves for our emotions we either judge ourselves for having them or we run as fast as we can from them get getting rid of them numbing avoiding repressing them neither is helpful so instead of telling yourself i shouldn't be feeling this way there's something wrong with me for feeling this way using your feelings as information using your feelings as a sign that there's something to go get curious about and check out what's going on why am i feeling this way instead of saying to myself i shouldn't be feeling this way get curious what's going on what's happening what's creating this feeling getting curious instead of critical of ourselves for being human beings who have human feelings and the next thing that emotionally intelligent people do not say is my thoughts are truths they do not say to themselves that they are having the thought i'm not good enough i don't have what it takes i'm not worthy enough i'm not lovable enough i'm not smart enough i'm not successful enough um you know what that person said about me is true and i really am a terrible human being whatever that is they don't believe their thoughts as truth they are allowed they are able to see like this is a thought this is a thought that's coming up right now let's look into this let's explore this let's put this thought on trial let's see how true it really is let's reflect on this thought instead of just believing this thought they know that our thoughts are in our mind not because it's some kind of divine wisdom from above that's like this is who you truly are and this is what you truly deserve this is your lot in life they know that that's just not true that our thoughts are created by what we were taught what we were told what we observed what we absorbed what we learned what we experienced our interpretations our socialization that that is where our thoughts came from so many of us are going through life we're just believing whatever thought comes in my head right we're saying like well i had a failure so i am a failure and that's just that i'm a failure and that's just the way that it is or we're like you know what i'm really struggling right now so it's like i'm a mess and i can't handle life and that's just the way that it is we are believing our thoughts as truths instead of actually taking a step back and looking at them and getting curious about them and actually allowing ourselves to consciously choose whether or not we want to believe that thought whether or not we want that thought whether or not that thought is going to be healthy helpful or productive and if not what would be learning how to unattach from our thoughts is something that you can just kind of get started on with my free 10-minute guided mindfulness exercise there's a download in the description below if you want to just sort of get started on that and just start to learn how to take a step back from your thoughts and this also is such a key part in developing our emotional intelligence and becoming more emotionally secure when we're not getting caught up in everything that's just happening here in our minds when we're able to take a step back and become more conscious and aware and take charge of our minds and emotions and setting instead of letting them always control us that that exercise is going to be a good introduction to that and if you want to take this work deeper and want to get the support and want to have the big shifts and the big transformations if you're ready to commit to this then come and join us in the shift society the description or sorry the link to that is in the description below we'd love to have you there good things are happening with the people who are in there right now like the video subscribe to the channel let me know which one of these connected with you let me know your thoughts until next time take good care you

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 52,460

Rating: 4.9390106 out of 5

Keywords: emotional intelligence, emotionally intelligence, amy morin, mentally strong, mental toughness, EQ, The Art of Improvement, how to build emotional intelligence, improve emotional, improve emotional intelligence, The School of Life, test emotional maturity, things secure people do, what secure people don't do, be secure in yourself, things confident people do, things confident people don't do, julia kristina counselling, emotionally secure, boost self esteem, raise self esteem

Id: yc8cp2xkP3w

Length: 24min 20sec (1460 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 23 2020