10 Things You Are Not Responsible For

things you are not responsible for we're gonna talk about ten of them today and the reason why we're talking about this because it comes on the heels of a post that I had put up on Instagram that I will put the link to below and several people asked me to expand on the posts that I had put up there and actually do a video on it to help a lot more of these things make a lot more sense so that's what we are going to do today and talk about 10 things that you may be taking responsibility for they are absolutely not responsible for and taking responsibility for them is likely and the root of a lot of your stress your anxiety your even anger or overwhelm so we're gonna clear these ones out and get you feeling better starting today if you're new here welcome to our amazing little corner on the internet if you haven't already make sure you do subscribe to the channel the subscribe button is right down there and that way you'll be sure to get notified when I release a new video which I do really regularly regardless my name is Julia Kristina and I am a registered clinical therapist a researcher a master coach and the creator of the breakthrough coaching program I have a master's degree in counseling psychology and I work to help heart center go-getter men and women break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day and these things that we are taking responsibility for that we do not need to take responsibility for and I'm gonna give you a little bit of a rule of thumb before we get right into these things but just if you're ever kind of confused and if you're ever not really sure about what you're responsible for and what you're not responsible for think of it like this you are responsible for the things that are in your control you are not responsible for the things that are not in your control which when we think about it like that it makes a lot of sense you can't be responsible for something that you don't have control over that is just a recipe for a whole lot of frustration and discouragement and feelings of helplessness because we have no control over it so let's get right into these ones and talk about these specific things that many of us take responsibility for that are not ours to take on and the first one is other people's thoughts we are not responsible for other people's thoughts because we cannot control other people's thoughts and so often we try to we try to control other people's thoughts we try to get them to think certain things my people pleasers you are really into this one trying to control other people's thought so that they will think about you a certain way and you know what it is costing you and then the next thing that we're not responsible for is other people's feelings and this is a really tough one because I think most of us believe that we can make someone feel bad or mad or sad or glad but do you know what creates an emotion in a human being their thoughts their thoughts create their feelings it's not the things around us that are creating our emotions it's our thoughts about the things around us that are creating our emotions and so if we go back to the first one back to number one and how we are not responsible for someone else's thoughts then by proxy we can also not be responsible for their feelings now this doesn't mean that we just run around being big jerks and treating people however we want and not caring about anyone else and being like that's their problem which yeah it is if they have a problem with something buy something with something that we're doing it is their problem but a couple things are gonna happen there it's not gonna feel good for us to be running around being jerks all the time that doesn't feel good in my experience it doesn't feel good to be a jerk and then the second thing is yet we are gonna find ourselves being really lonely if we have no regard for anyone else because yes it is their problem if they don't like it it'll become our problem if they don't want to be around us because we are treating them like crap so finding that middle ground finding that reasonable place where we are respectful of other people but not responsible for their thoughts or their feelings and then the next thing you're not responsible for is guessing someone else's needs and now those of you who struggle with people-pleasing this is going to be a big one for you because you're going to want to guess what someone else needs so that you can meet their needs and make them happy and do you see how from what we learned about how we can't make someone else happy how that whole logic that whole structure is really founded on some shaky ground trying to guess someone else's needs and the amount of stress and anxiety that it causes us trying to read their minds it's not a sustainable strategy if someone else has a need it's up to them to communicate that need and if they don't we are allowed to leave that with them but that also brings us on to the next one which is you're also not responsible for meeting all of anyone else's needs even if they do communicate their needs even if they tell you specifically what they need it is still not your job to meet their needs you have your own backpack to carry you cannot take on another one without it crushing you now that doesn't mean that you can't be there for someone that you can't help them out you can't be supportive of them but essentially their needs requirement is up to them to meet you can help out but you don't have to and you definitely don't have to do it for them I have had people say I have heard people say especially in like marriage relationships and partnerships it's my partner's job to meet my needs and oh and I hear that I almost want to spontaneously combust because it is oh not true that is Oh codependent and so unhealthy to put the responsibility for your happiness and the meaning of your needs and what what is important to you in your life to put that on somebody else do you see how unhealthy that is how unhelpful that is and the next thing that you're not responsible for is guessing someone else's needs and for those among you who struggle with people-pleasing this is gonna be a big one for you trying to guess someone else's needs so that you can meet their needs and make them happy and make them think certain things about you that you want them to think which brings us back again into they're not responsible for someone else's thoughts and feelings and so what we end up doing is stressing ourselves out making ourselves almost crazy trying to guess what someone else's needs it are so that we can make them happy so that we can feel good that we made someone else happy but do you see how the whole thing is just all a big mess if someone has a need it is up to them to communicate that need it is not up to you to guess what their need is because last time I checked most of us are not mind reader's most of us do not have the gift of telepathy yet and until we do we can't guess someone else's needs which then ties in very nicely to the next one even if someone does communicate their needs to you it's also not your job to meet all of their needs yes in relationships we are there for each other there is such there's a you know codependents not a good thing total disconnect not a good thing but interdependence where both people are looking out for each other but there shouldn't be stress and anxiety and walking on eggshells in a healthy relationship like that you shouldn't be wondering if something that you're gonna accidentally do is gonna set that person off or they're gonna be upset that you didn't do something that they were wanting you to do or thinking that you should do that's not healthy if that's going on in your relationships that is not a good sign and it's a really common thing I think I've heard people say especially in like marriage relationships it's my partner's job to meet my needs first of all they well they've also said it's my partner's job to guess my needs and then saying it's my partner's job to meet my needs and that is not true that is actually a load of crap it's their responsibility to meet their own needs and they can communicate those needs and you can decide whether or not you want to help them with that but it's not your responsibility the next one is you're not responsible for other people's opinion about you and this is a really hard one I think for many of us we want everyone to like us and we stress and obsess about things that we did our things that we said or how how we're going to show up in a certain situation what people are going to think about us what people are thinking about us because we want everyone to think good things about us and I'm curious why do we need everyone else to think good things about us why do we need other people's approval or permission to feel good about ourselves to believe in ourselves and I think that's so much of where it comes from is that we are looking for that permission if everyone likes me then maybe I can feel good about myself as a person if everyone approves of me then maybe I'm doing all right but that is also not a sustainable strategy because then our happiness and well-being in our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth is going to be in the hands of other people instead of allowing other people to not like us and the same thing is true in the reverse like there's people that you don't like there's people that are not your cup of tea it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with them it just means that you don't have a connection with them so allow other people to not feel connected to us it's not personal it's it can't be personal especially if they don't even know you it can't be personal because they are making a judgement based on something on the surface and so just allowing other people to have their own opinion and we're going to talk about this more in the next video and we talk about things that you are responsible for but in this vein you are only responsible for your intentions you're responsible for how you are showing up but you're not responsible for how people take that and it was actually really interesting is one of on one of my recent videos there was someone in the comments section who at that point the video had had about 10 thumbs down and this person in the comment section said it was really like sweet and lovely of them they were like that you know whoever those 10 people are that gave the thumbs down they need to re-watch this video and just really listen because there's no reason why there should ever be a thumbs down in this video and I replied to the guy and I said you know what it's actually it's okay people are allowed to not agree with me they're allowed to not like me they're allowed to not want this information they're allowed to not be ready for this information and that's okay that's actually none of my business what is my business is being sure that I am being cure with how I am showing up that I'm showing up to help and to serve and to give people tools to make them feel better to make their lives better and that's my intention and how somebody else receives that is absolutely up to them so letting how people receive you be absolutely up to them the next thing that you are not responsible for is making other people happy as we talked about before you're not responsible for their feelings you're also not responsible to make them happy if it's your parents if it's your partner if it's your local paleontologist I don't care who it is and for a lot of us who are still sort of intertwined with our parents even as grown-ups for a lot of us we're still trying to make our parents happy we're still trying to get their approval we're still trying to fulfill their expectations and so many of us are kind of pushing our own selves in our own lives aside because we are going so after trying to make them happy but as we talked about before we can't and for a lot of you who have tried to make your parents happy and I'm guessing that you've probably even had this exact same conversation with someone thinking you know I'm doing everything in and I did this and my parents expected that and I thought it would make them happy and they they weren't even that happy they didn't even really say anything about it or they just looked for the flaws and the areas that I fell short and the bar went up and their expectations went higher no matter what I do I can't make them happy and if you have ever said that sentence no matter what I do I can't make them happy this is gonna be the case with every single person in your life no matter what you do you cannot make them happy because you can't make someone else happy and then the next thing you're not responsible for is fixing other people's problems and this is an issue for two reasons because first of all if you try to fix their problems and try to give them all the advice and all the suggestions and do all the things for them often you're gonna be met with resistance they are gonna come back with ya but or that's not gonna work or I've tried that and that's no good and then you're gonna end up feeling frustrated and discouraged ah has that ever happened to you where you've tried to fix something for someone and you they keep giving you push back they keep giving excuses and you're like what is going on I'm trying so hard to fix this for them and they're not interested and usually yeah that is the way it works so allowing other people to take responsibility for their own lives being supportive being encouraging listening to them helping them come up with solution to their problems is usually a lot better strategy but we also don't even have to do that for everyone we don't have to take anything on that we don't want to take on or that we don't have the capacity to take on oftentimes you're dealing with it where our own stuff and trying to figure out our own stuff and don't always have the space to be taking on other people's stuff and so no when were available for that and when we're not available for that and respecting that and then the second thing that happens when we try to fix other people's problems is that we end up kind of feeding the beast and so if someone is always doing the same behavior the same unhelpful unhealthy behavior and we keep coming in and we fix it for them then they they are actually not the ones with the problem we are the ones with the problem because we are the ones who are taking on all the stress and all the burden and all the stuff of trying to fix their problem they're like I am great I can do whatever I want and someone else is gonna come and clean it up for me I don't have a problem and I think about this and this is just a really sort of superficial example but my parents are notorious for being over Packers they pack so I don't even know what they have and I do kind of know what they have in there but it is a lot of stuff and I remember about 10 years ago we were all traveling in Europe together and if you've ever been to Europe and unless you have your own kind of personal chauffeur or valet service for wherever you're going it's typically not a great strategy to pack a lot of stuff because everything there is small its compact there's not elevators everywhere everything is just kind of cramped especially in cities like like Paris and Rome and my parents packed a lot of stuff and I could tell in a lot of situations they were kind of struggling to take their own bags to kind of maneuver through the cobblestone and up the curbs and carrying their suitcases up the staircases into the apartment that we are staying at and as much as I wanted to be able to help them and I could see that they were struggling yeah I did help them somewhat but to drop everything to take on the responsibility for their packing was not mine to take on I had my own suitcase to carry I had my own stuff to manage and I had enough I had mindfully packed enough that I could manage on my own and yes in that situation I did help them out somewhat I didn't take it all on I didn't feel responsible for taking it on but so then talk to them afterwards and said hey do you think that next time you travel somewhere like this it might be a better idea to pack more mindfully and they have they've actually done a lot better every time we travel I basically put it out there and said I've got my own stuff to carry I'm not available to carry yours so I need you to only pack what you can manage using that metaphorically and literally in this situation but also using that metaphorically in your own life you can communicate where that with someone I have my own stuff to carry so I'm gonna ask that you take responsibility for the amount that you can carry because do what you want to do I mean you don't have to do they don't have to take responsibility for how much they can carry but you're allowed to put your boundary in and you're allowed to say you do whatever you want to do but this is what I'm available for so you make your choice knowing that I am NOT available to come in and take over and fix it for you makes sense those boundaries they're gonna get you the next thing that you are not responsible for is reading other people's minds how often do we go through life trying to know what someone else is thinking about us about anything and we are trying to figure it out we're trying to guess it but we can't read someone else's mind and tell if and until telepathy is a real thing it's not gonna work out well and so this comes back to both you know anticipating other people's needs are trying to try to guess other people's needs which it's their responsibility to communicate their needs and then also trying to guess their opinion about you which is really again none of your business trying to read their minds you can't do it what you can do is be mindful and be responsible for how you are showing up in your life the choices that you are making and we're going to talk more in my next video beau video about all the things that you are responsible for but reading other people's minds is not one of them because it's not rocket science you can't the next thing we mentioned this a minute ago it's not your job to set other people's boundaries for them it is actually up to them to take responsibility for their own lives yes you can help them out you can be supportive but you are also allowed to not try and guess and anticipate where their boundaries are you don't know what's okay with them and everyone has different boundaries about what's okay with them and what's not okay with them and so trying so hard to guess what their boundaries are to not accidentally step over their boundary well that's not up to you because that's gonna make you a whole lot of stressed out instead of trusting that is long again as long as you are taking responsibility for how you are showing up and trying to be a respectful and responsible for that you don't know what of that is gonna be crossing someone's boundary and so it is their job to communicate their boundaries in a respectful and responsible way to you if you accidentally cross that boundary and being okay not being so wildly offended if someone does set a boundary with us that is a good thing if someone sets boundaries with us it is a good thing because often what happens that the alternative to that is that someone doesn't set their boundaries and we keep doing things unintentionally that are bothering them that are pushing them that are getting to them and then they don't know what to do about it they don't say anything about it and then all of a sudden they ghost us or drop off the face of the earth or even might even blow up at us out of nowhere because they've let it build and build and build and so they either explode or they leave and we're like what I didn't even know that I had been crossing their boundaries and so it is up to them to communicate their boundaries a responsible adult will learn where their boundaries are and communicate them in a responsible way the next thing you are not responsible for any of someone else's choices their choices their lives are up to them you can't make someone do something just like they can't make you do something you are not responsible for their choices they are responsible for their choices because they are the only they are the only ones who have any control over their choices and so letting them make their choices and not taking that on you've got to be responsible for your own choices they can't be responsible for someone else's boundaries is this something that you struggle with saying no not taking things on saying no externally or even just internally having our own boundaries and allowing ourselves to say no to these things like reading someone else's mind taking responsibility for their feelings trying to guess and meet all of their needs also like having boundaries around that stuff those are internal boundaries those are important too but if the external boundaries allowing yourself to say no to things on the outside is something that you struggle with because you worry about offending or upsetting one which you can't but I do have a free download 25 ways to say no grab that it's gonna really help you feel start to get more comfortable with setting boundaries saying no to things yeah I'm gonna put the link in the description below like the video share it out if you thought that more people need this information let me know if you do share in the comment section below so that I can thank you which one of these connected with you I would love to hear come and join my facebook group good for me group comm so good to have you here and until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 79,262

Rating: 4.9264498 out of 5

Keywords: healthy boundaries, cognitive behavioral therapy, boundary setting, codependence, julia kristina counselling, julia kristina anxiety, terri cole, overfunctioning in a relationship, things you are not responsible for, GabrielleBernstein, stop people pleasing, signs you're a people pleaser, Vanessa Van Edwards, pleasing someone, Kute Blackson, Mel Robbins, beating stress and anxiety, personal responsiblity, the secret to becoming mentally strong, mental strength, mental toughness

Id: WOdU74L67k8

Length: 24min 9sec (1449 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 09 2019