The Six Keys to Self-Esteem

most of the things many of us are doing in order to try and create healthy self-esteem are completely wrong but we keep doing them and we keep thinking that they're going to work but they either don't work they haven't worked or they don't last and spoiler alert whenever we are trying to do something on the outside change or manipulate or finagle something on the outside so that we can feel good about ourselves in the inside it is a losing battle because we cannot create something on the inside by trying to make things be a certain way on the outside changing our looks changing our relationships changing our job getting more success getting more approval all of these things that we do in order to try and feel good about ourselves are all external things but our self-esteem our relationship with ourselves is an inside job and so today we're going to talk about the six main things that do create healthy self-esteem when we are intentional about making these things a part of our lives and changing our mindset and changing the way we approach these six different things so stay tuned I think you're gonna like and get a lot out of these ones they are life changers when we really use them and apply them if you're new here I am so glad that you were here welcome to our amazing corner on the Internet introduce yourself in the comments section below make sure you subscribe to the channel so that we can stay connected and if you are not new always so good to have you back my name is Julia Kristina and I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of the breakthrough coaching program I'm a master's degree in counseling psychology and I worked to help heart center go-getter men and women break through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day and so let's talk about what self esteem really is and according to Nathaniel Braden who has written a book called the six pillars of self esteem it is a fantastic book there's a lot in there and a lot of what we're going to talk today about is based on his teaching but he breaks self-esteem down into two main parts and the first part is self-efficacy and so this is our ability to be able to think for ourselves to know that we are the ones who are thinking for ourselves that we are in charge of our own lives and also we have this belief that we can handle what life has for us that we are equipped in order to be able to handle the challenges of life that no matter what happens we can figure it out we have that that sense of self mastery and that self efficacy and those resources within us to be able to handle what lace has for us and then the next part of self-esteem - building high self esteem is this idea that we have self-respect so really looking at how much we value ourselves how much value we think we have how worthy we feel do you believe that you deserve to be happy to believe do you believe that you deserve to have a good life do you believe that you deserve to have good things in your life do you believe that you you matter and that you have value just for being you not dependent on anything else and so just take a second I want you to check in in the comment section below where are you at that with those two things how much do you feel like you have mastery over your own life like you've a say in your own life like you are in charge of your choices that you don't always have control of our circumstances but you always have choices within them and you feel equipped to be able to handle them and also that you believe in your intrinsic worthiness that you don't have to do or be or become anything or anything else anyone else in order to be good enough that you just have that sense and I know that these are tricky ones and not all of us feel them 100% all of the time but just kind of let us know where you're at with that in the comment section below so what are these four or these six cornerstones that build up that make up healthy self esteems what if trying to change the way we look or trying to try and change the shape of our body or trying to have more success or more power or more money or more stuff or whatever it is that we think we need in order to feel good more praise more recognition more accolades whatever it is we think we need on the outside and if it's not that stuff then what is it and here are the six things that make it up that we do and the interesting thing as well is that these six cornerstones of healthy self-esteem they are natural expressions of people who have healthy self-esteem but the good news is when we are intentional about making them a priority in our lives about working through to the getting to the place where we are doing them as well we are making them a part of our lives they are the things that build our healthy self-esteem the first one this is a big one you've heard me talk about this before is living consciously are we consciously aware of our thoughts and our feelings are we making intentional choices or are we just getting pulled on pulled along with whatever is happening around us where we get it being dictated by our thoughts and feelings that we are just thinking that well you know if I feel bad if I feel guilty about this and I better go along and do it that I have no choice as soon as we say to ourselves I have no choice and unless someone is pointing a gun to your head you have a choice you might not like the consequences of that choice you not might not like what will happen if you make that choice you not be willing to prepared to accept the result of that choice but you have a choice we always have choices we don't always have control of our circumstances we always have choices with in them and so living consciously knowing that I am the director of my own life that I am NOT my thoughts I'm the thinker of my thoughts I am NOT my feelings I'm the experiencer of my feelings we can observe ourselves having experiences instead of always just getting pulled along behind them and dragged along with whatever is coming up for us in our lives the next cornerstone is self acceptance there are no prerequisites to worthiness this is about saying I am Who I am right now and I accept that and that just sometimes a really hard thing especially if it was that those of us who've really struggled with self rejection or self hate or self-criticism because we've been told and taught to believe that there are things about us that make unworthy that we have been taught and and told to believe that we are not good enough that we need to be or become something or someone else in order to be good enough we need to be smarter we need to be prettier we need to be more successful we need to get better grades maybe if you are a child so you need to you need to be and do all of these things in order to be worthy but self-acceptance is about saying this is who I am right now right or wrong good or bad healthy or unhealthy helpful or unhelpful this is where I'm at this isn't about resigning ourselves to just kind of go along with whatever we're struggling with or whatever areas need a little bit of finagling but this isn't about saying that I will only be good enough when I am or have or feel or look like or can do these things there is no when then there is only here now and yes we all have things that we're working on yes we all have things that we wanted to sort of iron out edges that we want to smooth but that has nothing to do with our worthiness and about not being good enough it's part of being it's part of a natural expression of being a human being to learn and to grow and to and to be allow ourselves to get rid of the stuff that's preventing us from being who we really are and breaking through that and letting ourselves be more of who we are and accepting ourselves every step along the way the next thing that builds our healthy self-esteem taking full responsibility for our lives no one is coming to fix us to pave the way to make it better to do it for us if there's something that we want if there's a life that we want if there's a goal that we have if there's a relationship that we want a type of relation we want healthy a healthy relationship taking responsibility for that believing that we can have that doing what we need to do to create what it is we want for our lives we take responsibility for it we don't wait for someone to come and fix it and do it for us because the truth is what we want in our lives is not more important to anyone else than it is to us so nobody else is supposed to care about it or be as invested in making sure that that happens for us as we are because it is our lives and we are always going to be the ones who are most impacted by our own choices so taking personal responsibility even though it's taking responsibility for your own healing if you've been through things in your life taking full responsibility and and loved that day and I've mentioned this before that that quote by Glennon Doyle he says your healing is probably not your fault sorry your pain is probably not your fault but your healing is your responsibility if we want to be moving through that pain if we want to be breaking free from that pain then our healing is our responsibility no one is coming to do it for us our lives our responsibility in whatever area that is there's something that we don't have that we want internally externally whatever it is we are the ones who are doing what we need to do to make that happen the next cornerstone of healthy self-esteem is self assertiveness and I know highly sense of those of you who are highly sensitive people we often struggle with speaking up and asserting ourselves and saying what we want to think neither feel because we worry about hurting someone else's feelings putting somebody else off we worry about creating conflict or upset we don't want people to not like us we don't want people to have opinions of us that we don't want them to have we don't want people to think that we're silly or stupid or selfish or difficult or whatever that is and so we just lock it up we just keep it closed we don't say anything and then we end up suffering and struggling in silence and we don't speak up we end up feeling trapped and stuck and resentful and frustrated and just again feeling or just being pulled along with whatever in life whoever and whatever and we're just being pulled along but healthy self-esteem comes when we stay and we speak up and we allow ourselves and we believe that our voice counts to know more than anyone elses but absolutely not less than any one else's if speaking up if saying what you want thing being feel if you are tired I've just sort of like climbing up and closing up and and and struggling internally but then not saying anything about it not doing anything about it then I want you to take my speaking feel heard assertive and effective communication masterclass I'm gonna put the link to that below you're gonna learn some rock star communication skills you're gonna understand what's going on in your brain and why you struggle to speak up and what you can do to turn that around as well as some practical application step by steps processes that you can start using right away in order to speak up and not worry so much and maybe even not worry at all about what other people think because their thoughts are not your responsibility your voice your needs your ability to speak up and you're giving yourself the freedom to do so is your responsibility so make sure you check out that course as well the next cornerstone of building healthy self-esteem and this comes back to this personal responsibility as well but living a life with intention and purpose deciding what you want for your life what's meaningful for you what do you want your life to mean what do you want to do with your life feeling like you're not just going through the motions you're not just going day in and day out get up go to work come home get ready for the next day and do it all again that it doesn't matter what your purpose is if your purpose is being a great parent if your purpose is changing the world in some big way if your purpose is getting really good at macrame I don't know what it is if your purpose is helping people who who who don't have as much as you have if you want to make an impact if there's a cause that's important to you but finding what is your purpose what do what do what is your driver so many of us are living our lives in gray and we're just going through the motions but creating that color creating that color is up to us absolutely no one's gonna come again no one's going to come and do it for us what lights you up what causes what what projects what things do you love and for some of us that's not always super clear and again for those of my perfectionist in the group those are micro actions who have the perfectionist Brandon like I have to find that one thing and there's just gonna be one thing and I got to get it right and I need to know what my exact one purpose is right now for all of time or else I'm failing they're all so I've got it wrong and I'm gonna end up wasting a bunch of time that is not true your purpose can change my purpose has changed several times as I've grown and evolved to different levels in my life personally and professionally my purpose and my goals and the things that I want the things that I'm working towards have changed let yourself be fluid don't get stuck in that perfectionist brain that perfection paralysis that says well if I have it don't have it all figured out now and I can't do anything start with something what's something that lights you up what's something if you were doing that more regularly would make you excited for the next day make you excited if it's something they're working on on the weekend if it's a project if it's a cause if it's a skill that you're building something that you're investing yourself in because it allows you to learn and grow and stretch what is it that's going to help you build that healthy self-esteem as well as probably make a positive difference in the world so living with intention and purpose deciding what that is and going for it and then our sixth cornerstone of healthy self-esteem is living with integrity and I'm not talking and saying that you have to go out and be this like morally upholding person who never does anything wrong and never makes mistakes and who has never selfish and whatever that is I'm not saying that you have to be this like perfect being more so in this way of integrity I'm talking about integrity within yourself I'm talking about fulfilling the promises that you make to yourself and also being really responsible with the promises you make to yourself not just saying like starting tomorrow I'm gonna go to the gym everyday and I'm gonna eat healthy and I'm not gonna have any unnecessary conversations I don't want to have and I'm gonna love and celebrate my body every moment of every day or whatever that is and then not doing it that's an irresponsible promise because you know and I know that that is not going to happen just like this but it's about making these small promises to ourselves and fulfilling those promises making promises of things that we can do that do make sense that are achievable and sustainable and then making sure that we fulfill those promises to ourselves because when we promise things to ourselves and we break that integrity our brain is listening our mind is listening it's like I can't trust you and you know as well as I do there's really hard to have a healthy strong relationship with someone that we can't trust and the same things goes for ourselves when we are not living within our own internal - integrity when we are not doing what we are saying when we are gonna do when we are not falling following through with what we say we are going to do that breaks our relationship and damages our relationship with ourselves and again being responsible and mindful of the things that we are committing to and promising to do on the outside when it comes to our relationships as well and being mindful of the things that we are saying yes to and making sure that it's something that we can follow through on instead of just saying yes because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings or get them to be upset with us and then we end up just knowing that we're gonna back out at the last minute or say no at the last minute that breaks integrity within ourselves because we are lying to them and we are lying to ourselves and again it's really hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who is always lying to us including when we are lying to ourselves so taking responsibility for our limits and our needs and then making commitments to ourselves small come up start with small start with small and do it so I'll go bigger we'll go home it starts small to moderate and make it doable and sustainable and starting with making these promises to ourselves to take better care of ourselves in small ways to stand up and speak out for ourselves in less intense situations as we build up to being able to do that in the more difficult situations it's about not letting ourselves get pulled into unnecessary conversations it's it's anything any promise that you want to make to yourself that you're like this is important to me and it's time I started to take this seriously if it's promising to heal from stuff that you've been through to deal with your stuff to get unstuck and in starting to invest in that process invest in yourself and in your life creating and keeping that promise if saying no is something that you struggle with then I want you to make sure you grab and download my free download 25 ways to say no this was just gonna start us off nice and light learning how to say no and learning how to speak up and showing our brain that our wants these and preferences matter and that we are allowed to communicate that that's going to start to build that relationship with ourselves to make sure you grab that free download and if you're ready for the next level learning some better communication skills learning how to speak up learn feeling equip so that you know what to say in some of these more challenging situations or these times where you want to see something but you're holding yourself back second-guessing yourself you're worrying what people are gonna think it's gonna give you some tools to help you be able to do that more effectively and also help you change your mindset so you're not getting in your own way and preventing yourself from doing that in the first place to make sure you grab that speak and feel hurt which one of these connected with you is this a relief to know that you don't have to do all these things on the outside you don't need to be or become anything or anyone else in order to be good enough that it is an inside job and it starts we start small this is a big list there is a lot here I don't want perfectionist all right now you'd be like I've got I've got to do it all and I've got to do it all at once or else I'm failing and I'm not good enough and I can't do anything right or whatever your brain is gonna try and tell you mind that not go big or go home go small to moderate and make it doable and sustainable start with one small thing what's one thing that you're gonna work on from this list what's one thing you're gonna put your intention to working on now and once that becomes more natural once that becomes part of your new normal by practicing and integrating and making that just a regular part of who you are then which one you're going to go to next that is the only way that change is sustainable and lasts and makes a difference is if we gradually slowly intentionally work at it chip away at it building a house brick by brick climbing a mountain step by step can't sprint a marathon any other analogies thank you all so much for being here like the video share it out if you feel like there's someone in your life who needs to hear this who you're like ah I just this is this is the thing that is going to help them if you're like this is the thing that made sense for me and it's helping me then please do share this with other people because they need to hear this information because so many of us are wasting so much time going about things all wrong and wondering why we're not getting anywhere thank you so much for being here love having you here come and join my facebook group go to me group com and did I tell you subscribe to the channel obviously you need to stay connected we need to keep connected and you need to keep coming back so we can just keep learning and growing together until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 156,796

Keywords: how to build self-esteem, the six pillars of self-esteem, self-esteem improvement, low self-esteem, boost self esteem, build self esteem, get self esteem, how to boost your confidence, how to believe in yourself, Improvement Pill, FightMediocrity, julia kristina self-esteem, keys to self-esteem, the key to confidence, how to boost self esteem, how to grow self esteem, improve self-esteem, improve my self esteem, Marisa Peer, the secrets of self-esteem, Pick Up Limes

Id: _50xZ9cdQ18

Length: 20min 53sec (1253 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 15 2020