5 Ways Emotionally Intelligent People Manage Conflict

if you're someone who does not like conflict then you are in the right place right now the truth is most human beings do not like conflict now you might be thinking julia i know this person who really just likes to poke and get under people's skin and yeah there are some people who do like to antagonize who do like to poke but they often don't like it when it's kind of put back on them when someone is doing the poking or antagonizing towards them there are some people who can dish it but can't really take it and so knowing that actual two-way conflict when there is a threat to a relationship a threat to connection is uncomfortable because as human beings we are hardwired for connection and we see any kind of discord or disagreement um or any kind of descent as ultimately going to divide the relationship and so we try to avoid that but the truth is any close healthy relationship has some conflict there's going to be disagreements there's going to be things that people don't like there's going to be issues that come up and just running away or avoiding or ghosting anyone who does or says something that we don't like is not going to be too conducive for us being able to create safe healthy connected relationships and so learning how to deal with conflict better learning how to manage ourselves in conflict is going to get us a better outcome it's going to get us to be able to navigate through that conflict and then we are going to be able to have those more authentic connected relationships because the truth is that as well you know human beings when two human beings coming together there's going to be stuff that comes up because we all have our stuff and usually the closer you are to someone the more things come up because the more kind of friction there is in there when there is more closeness so learning how to navigate that that is what we are going to work on today if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second and introduce yourself in the comment section below if you're back say hello and if you haven't already subscribe to the channel it's about right down there either way my name is julia christina i'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of my just amazing membership community full of the most amazing people doing this work at a deeper level it's called the shift society the information about that is in the description below you can get on the wait list you want to get on the wait list because those people are the first to know when we open up registration again i help heart-centered humans break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day and conflict is one of those things then when we are avoiding it it's funny how when we avoid com conflict too much it ends up getting in our way because we spend so much time fearing it um trying to not have it doing everything we can to prevent it that often that in and of itself can bring up a bunch of issues that we can get stuck in so instead of that we're going to talk about how people who have great conflict management skills these emotionally intelligent people who know what's going on how they do it and how you can start learning these skills as well to have that better conflict so i'm gonna teach you several things that you can do to have better conflict to be more emotionally intelligent when you are dealing with conflict and these are not sequential you don't have to go through and do every single one of them what you're going to find is that you might start the first one and you're like i'll do this first skill and that was enough that was enough for me to you know defuse the situation at least even diffuse the the the emotions or the frustration the anger that was coming up in me that was enough for that like okay i can leave this out but then some of them depending on the situation depending on what's happening you're going to go through more of them and you know have to work through several of them in order to be able to you know resolve the conflict in a more productive way so just monitor yourself and see which is useful see which ones you're like yep that is what i need to do that's what i need to work on and just let that be where you start not feeling overwhelmed that oh my gosh i have to do all of these today you know knowing that overwhelm is a function of unmanaged expectations so if you're expecting yourself to have this all figured out and do this perfectly by the end of the day today then you're going to feel stressed and overwhelmed and you're not going to want to do it at all because you're like it's too much so managing those expectations taking one thing that you learned from this today and just practicing that and then once you've got that one down coming back watching this again and working on another one so the first thing that you can do to be able to handle conflict in a more emotionally intelligent way is to get curious so when something bothers you when something has thrown you off or upset you or hurt you in some way something that someone has done that you didn't like start to get curious about why they may have done that and when i say that you have to be also responsible with that and consider several options you can't just be like the options are that my boss put me on the spot in the middle of the meeting because my boss is a jerk and is out to get me and everyone hates me and my life sucks those can't be all the reasons something like you know another possible reason is because my boss believes in my ability to think on my feet and knows that i have this information so wanted me to share it you know just you know in the moment and doesn't know that i like to plan and prepare for these kinds of things that could be another option or my boss didn't even think twice and was just like knew that i knew and so just thought to ask me and didn't know that i also you know don't like public speaking don't like speaking out in front of a group of people my boss actually wasn't trying to be a jerk or trying to stick it to me or punish me or make me look try to make me look stupid that's also an option now i'm not saying that with this we use um getting curious and kind of coming up with different reasons why someone may have done something we don't use it to we got to be careful here to not bypass our own experience so if you are you know you're kind of pretty sure that this person was intentionally being rude or trying to do something to hurt you or harm you then not just being like oh well they probably had just good intentions so i'm just going to pretend everything's fine we've got to be careful here that we're not just automatically assuming that everything people do is against us but we also don't want to automatically just you know not ever address anything and never speak up and say hey i didn't like that that wasn't okay with me right we're not just always talking ourselves out of dealing with things so there is a bit of a fine line there that does take a little bit of finessing and we also don't always get it right right sometimes we assume that someone had intentionally done something against us and then we asked them and they're like oh no i really had no idea i am so sorry right or we're like yeah i'm sure that was an innocent mistake and then we found out that no no that was perfectly like planned and plotted and that person was kind of trying to throw you under the bus to make themselves look better or whatever it is right so we don't know and sometimes it is kind of up in the air but the goal is to work on not always assuming that other people are sucking on purpose or that people are always doing things because they think we suck that's the goal to get to another thing is similarly to this and we just talked about this and this is going to kind of piggyback on that is managing your mind around whether it whatever it is that happened that so often when things happen when someone does something that we don't like we assume all of a sudden that it's personal right that either they're trying to you know get us in some way that they're against us in some way or that they're just like a horrible thoughtful awful person right we make these two kind of very polarized um we have these two kind of polarized extremes of thoughts about either you know this means that i'm a terrible person or not me automatically means that they're a terrible person instead of understanding that neither are true that more often than not people are not doing things against us they are doing things for themselves and our emotions just happen to be in the way of that and they're not even really intending it either they're completely not intending it or they're kind of oblivious to it and they don't care because they're just kind of out for whatever works for them or they're just it is actually really innocent and they're like didn't realize that this was something that would bother you or upset you like we talked about that you know in the beginning with the boss calling on you in the meeting that your boss is like i had no idea that this person liked to plan or prepare or that felt really uncomfortable speaking up in front of a group right and so managing your mind around it by being like okay this situation is probably not intentionally like a personal attack and even if it is a personal attack if someone is coming at you in a really rude or aggressive or disrespectful way that again is not about you it's about their inability to manage their own mind around their own emotions and then taking it out on you so again it's still not personal so de-escalating yourself and asking yourself do i think that this person is intentionally trying to hurt me or make my life difficult and considering that that may not be the case like i said more often than not people are doing things either you know like for themselves not against you or they're just doing things that they think are okay and they don't know that it's not okay with you they don't know that it's hurtful or unreasonable sometimes they do and they do it anyways because they're like you know what i know this is going to hurt this person but i just you know this is i need to do anyways because this is what's important to me and like i don't really you know i don't care who i hurt along the way but that hopefully you don't have a lot of people in your life who are doing that the next thing that's going to help you handle conflict in a more emotionally intelligent way is to check your expectations similarly to managing your mind around it more often than not uh conflict is created by us expecting people to be and act a certain way that they're not and maybe they were never even willing to maybe they never even made the promise that they would so it's not even that they're overtly kind of breaking a promise of being a certain way that they are you know going against that they never agreed to that in the first place that you know if your mom or your dad or your sister has a habit of making passive aggressive comments about the food that you prepare or the way that you parent or your career choices maybe they were never they never promised that they wouldn't do that and it doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel hurt by it it doesn't mean that it's not allowed to impact you but thinking that they are supposed to be this certain way that they never promised they would be takes that layer out of it so then you don't have to feel quite so betrayed by it you can feel hurt and you can feel like i don't like it that they did that that was hurtful that they did that but that's just sort of what they do and what they've always done and me sort of expecting them to do any different and being terribly put off when they don't is just creating more upset for me now again this isn't about just like letting it go and like never you know um dealing with anything it's been like well that's just the way that they are so i'm not gonna i'm just gonna take it i'm just gonna you know let them run all over me and have you know do whatever they want say whatever they want no it's not saying that but it's about not getting ourselves so upset when someone does what they always do and instead being like okay this is a pattern this is something that they always do it's not a surprise now what do i want to do about it so that we're not right so it takes that like that level of like worked up and this out of it so that we're not like screaming and yelling and figuring out like how dare you like this is so awful instead of being like hey i don't like this i'm not okay with this this doesn't feel good please stop you've done this several times please don't do it anymore also in its expectations we can create a lot of upset for ourselves by people just not meeting arbitrary expectations right if your partner always leaves their socks under their desk when they're working and you get really upset about it is it fair to get upset about that because you're like oh they leave their socks lying around it's not important to them just because it's important to you and you have an expectation that everything is always put away in their proper place all the time and just put in the laundry as soon as you take them off they might not have that same idea that might not be important to them and so being able to communicate your preference while also taking into account that somebody else might also have their own preference have their own ideas for doing things a certain way to really be checking your expectations and asking yourself just because it's what i want does it mean that it has to be what they want and if they don't want that then it automatically means that they're doing it wrong right a lot of dealing with conflict a lot of sort of dealing with conflict in an emotionally intelligent way is owning our own experience and being able to say like it doesn't mean that we're not allowed to have a problem with something we're not allowed to not like something but owning it as our own problem of like i have a problem with this i don't like this i don't want this and then being able to negotiate and kind of work out some kind of solution together where both people get a chance to say what their expectations are what they want and knowing that it's not just one person's expectations that always gets to win especially in a close relationship there's two human beings coming together with different ideas and ideals so being able to navigate and negotiate through that together something else that emotionally intelligent people do when they're dealing with conflict is they ask questions first and make assumptions later so as you can see our kind of theme with all of this is to get curious to try to understand to take a step back to be able to assess what's happening and a lot of that right we can make assumptions and we can assume this is what someone was thinking this is why they did it for better or worse right we can make all kinds of assumptions and we can have all kinds of ideas but why not just go to the source themselves and instead of getting critical and being like you did this how could you do this this was so unreasonable this was so awful being able to ask a question and just be able to say hey why did you do this you know why did you if it's a colleague in a meeting if they like you know took your idea and presented it as their own being able to ask them and be like hey why did you do that like we had that conversation i told you my idea and then you presented it as if it was your own why did you do that and being able to ask questions maybe it could have been completely innocent they're like oh my gosh i'm so sorry right i totally didn't mean to do that i you know i i forgot that we had that conversation i thought that my brain just came up with it which can actually can happen right our brains are always taking information sometimes we think that we have these brilliant light bulb moments about something and realizing oh someone else's idea and so if that's the case then they can make it right and they can go back and say like hey this was so-and-so's idea if it was an innocent mistake but being able to ask questions so another example of this a couple years ago i was coming home from my office after my long day usually one day a week i'll stay later into the evening so that by the time i get home my husband has put the kids to bed and everything is done and you know i just come home and i remember this one day coming home later in the evening the kids were in bed the house was quiet and i walked in and the kitchen was a disaster and my husband was sitting over at his computer just sort of like surfing around just sort of playing around on his computer and as soon as i saw the disaster in the kitchen and my husband kind of piddling around the computer the blood started to boil and i was like oh my gosh what is happening right now the kitchen is a mess he's over there just like doing his thing relaxing having fun i've just come home after a super long day there's a disaster and now i need to deal with this and it's getting myself even more and more worked up and i was like the kitchen is a disaster why do i have to deal with this and he turned around and he looked at me and he said julia did you ask me what was going on right now did you ask me why this happened because i don't remember hearing you asking me that and if you had asked then i would have been able to tell you that the kids were absolutely crazy tonight it was an insane night everything was happening it was totally chaotic it took everything in me to feed them and get them ready for bed and get them into bed and get them quiet and it was so overwhelming and i just needed a few minutes to sit down and turn my brain off and had full intention of coming in and cleaning up or helping you clean up the kitchen and if you had asked that if you'd asked the question first you would have saved yourself a lot of upset with your assumption schooled yup he was exactly right i assumed that he was sucking on purpose that he was intentionally i mean when i think about it though logically my husband has never done that my husband is not the kind of type of person to be passive aggressive or to try to like punish me through like leaving messes for me to clean up that's just not his personality so if i had let myself connect with my logical brain and been like okay you know something must have happened i'm going to assume the best instead of assume the worst it would have saved me a whole lot of upset it would have saved us that conflict and it just would have gone better so more often than not get curious try to find out what's going on what's the situation why did this happen why is this happening you know what was the reason get that clarity first and then depending on the situation come to a solution together so figure it out right with that situation with the colleagues are you know presenting the idea as their own figure out a solution people say okay what do we want to do about this because now everyone thinks that your idea or my idea was yours so what do we want to do about this how do we want to make this right how do you want to make this right figuring out a solution or being able to set a boundary so depending on the situation again if let's say your mom has a habit of sharing personal information about you with her friends or with other people stuff that you don't want shared then you being able to set a boundary with that and being able to say please don't do that again i don't want my information shared to other people i don't want people to know personal things that are going on in my life i'm uncomfortable with that even if you're fine with everyone knowing everything about you i'm not fine with it please don't do that and then also the boundary comes in if this person your mom or friend or cousin or whoever keeps kind of sharing personal things about you even though you've asked them not to then the next step is to stop sharing personal information and you can say that just be like you know what i would like to be able to talk to you about things but if you keep doing that then i'm not going to and so there is the boundaries again you are going to do what you do and so then i am going to do what i need to do so that this isn't happening so that this outcome is not happening so when there is conflict right when there is an issue being able to manage your mind around it get curious about it ask questions about it get clarity around it and then be able to work it out come to a solution come to a compromise or if one is not available being able to set a boundary and saying you know please stop this and if you don't stop then this is how i'm gonna have to modify my behavior to be able to you know protect what's important to me conflict is tricky because it can be nuanced because not always everyone is going to be willing to be honest about it to be able to work it out but we can't control other people what we can do is manage ourselves and be proud of ourselves for how we are handling ourselves when there is discord when there is you know disconnection or disagreement or conflict we can be proud of how we are handling it and knowing that other people are allowed to be you know immature about it and not be emotionally intelligent about it but we get to manage how we approach it and what we do with that conflict also becomes a lot easier to navigate when we have really good communication skills when we're able to get clear on what we're thinking and what we're feeling and what's going on and communicate that in an authentic honest helpful and productive way so if that's something that you want to learn more about speak and feel heard it's my master class on assertive and effective communication that's not only going to teach you skills to be able to communicate more effectively but it's also going to help you become a more confident communicator because it's going to deal with help you deal with some of that mindset stuff some of those fears of speaking up some of that doubt that you have in yourself that's preventing you from saying anything it's going to teach you how to get through that so it's going to give you both it's going to give you that deeper kind of mind-shifting work to be able to feel more confident in in your voice and in your wants and your needs and your preferences and be able to believe that those things matter and then also the specific you know tangible skills so that you know what to say and how to say it to get the results that you want so make sure that you get that speak and feel heard course the link is in the description below you can do that while you wait for registration for the shift society to open um if you want to be doing all of this work at a deeper level with support along the way to truly transform your life at a more in a more permanent way let me know what connected with you from here which conflict management skills are you going to start working on as you can see so much of conflict management kind of the catch 22 and all of it is conflict management is so much better managed when we are managing ourselves when we are managing our own minds and emotions in the face of some kind of discord it just goes so much better when we're not adding our own emotional fuel to the fire when we can come at it more calm and clear then we can work things out and actually get to a solution and also knowing that the point of a conflict the point of getting through conflict is not so that we can win or so that we can be right the point of getting through a conflict is so that we can connect so that we can have understanding and so that we can move forward and if we are going into conflict with that mindset then it's going to take our ego out of it it's going to take a lot of the unnecessary emotional charge out of it and it's going to make things go a lot smoother and it's going to get us to a solution a lot easier so once we can release that idea that i need to be right that i need to win then it's just going to make things go a whole lot better grab that master class on effective and assertive communication speak and feel heard it's in the description below you're going to learn so much from it it is jam-packed and also get on the waitlist for the shift society the link is there so good to have you here if you haven't had a chance to like the video if you did like it please do hit the like button helps this information just to get out into the world into more people because youtube likes videos that are liked and it just shows them to more people so that more people can get these tools and this information and yeah do share it out as well if there are people who you're like i think more people need to know this stuff um and then let me know so that i can thank you because i really appreciate that and subscribe to the channel if you haven't already button right down there always good to be with you until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 24,110

Rating: 4.960422 out of 5

Keywords: deal with conflict, manage with conflict, manage conflict, mange conflict, conflict management, smart conflict resolution, brainy dose, Thats Easy Learning, how to resolve conflict, resolve conflict, conflict resolution, conflict, conflict resolution techniques, resolving conflict, avoiding conflict, conflict resolution strategies, julia kristina conflict, julia kristina counselling, anger management, don't avoid conflict, conflict avoidance, emotionally intelligent

Id: z8oIqEihm9k

Length: 26min 43sec (1603 seconds)

Published: Thu May 06 2021