5 Advanced Movie Sci-Fi Technologies That (Secretly) Suck - YBOC (Star Wars, Trek)

[Music] hey there nerds i'm dr jordan breeding but if you're a cop then my name is robodoc and we are on the same team here partner my father tried to teach me human emotions they are difficult anyway you're watching another episode of your brain on crack the show that sometimes harnesses the power of advanced futuristic editing and composition techniques to make it look like i'm sitting in a bathtub splash [ __ ] and it's also the only show on crack where you can no longer say this sentence should have ended 12 words ago we are legion now anyway today i will legally adjacently diagnose from the beaming technology in star trek the free food dispensers in star trek to the interactive sex rooms and star trek sci-fi gadgets make the future seem impossibly great except also sometimes they don't it's going to replace cds soon here are some crazy futuristic science fiction creations that are somehow cheerier than what we use now i'm gonna use star wars here because it's the most famous and beloved example but every self-respecting sci-fi franchise has laser guns they're objectively the coolest guns ever and in every futuristic universe where they've been invented they've also completely replaced regular guns we've never seen a storm trooper wildly spraying with an ak-47 after all why would you bother with bullets if you have freaking lasers well you have to understand something about the guns armies use right now they're not designed to put a neat hole in the enemy they're designed to create ragged horrific wounds that just gush blood [Applause] well like all energy weapons in the star wars universe blasters do the exact opposite they instantly cauterize wounds which is why we never see any stormtroopers slipping on puddles of blood during corridor shootouts and why when luke gets his hand chopped off by a lightsaber which presumably works kind of the same way as blasters it doesn't turn into a tarantino-esque blood splosion that's impossible they've essentially created a sword that instantly disinfects and patches up any wound it creates they're so safe i honestly wouldn't be surprised if you told me lightsabers were originally invented for padawan circumcisions wait were they also if you're in the middle of a war zone and shooting at your enemies from cover it's pretty important they don't know where you're standing so they can't you know shoot back but if you're using a star wars style blaster every single shot fired is like a big neon sign pointing in your direction but almost none of that can hold a candle to the one thing that in the real world would render the blasters utterly useless laser shots appear to move much lower than bullets or even arrows easily dodge them or deflect the beams with lightsabers i don't care if you have jedi reflexes if you try that the bullet you'd soon find yourself without a liver also we've seen non-jedi's dodge laser blast too once while sitting just three feet away from the guy doing the shooting we all remember that scene right and yes i realized that technically they're firing bolts of plasma and not lasers but that doesn't change any of the specifics about how useless they are god just grow up caleb you're a funny little boy in the futuristic world of irobot chicago is bursting with crazy new technology humanity has progressed exponentially and seemingly for the better i mean robots are the servants we always wish we had cars drive themselves and chuck taylors are pretty much wiped out of existence what is that on your feet the events of irobot kick off with the apparent suicide of dr lanning who is like me a doctor of robot he makes robots hello doctor before he checked himself out of window he set up a hologram of himself that would automatically call the skeptical will smith upon landing's death it's designed to simulate laning's personality and it answers questions naturally based on a limited number of responses is there something you want to say to me that's hot spankable spoon what does that even mean the thing is though thanks to the limited number of responses the stupid hologram never tells will smith anything of practical use it hints at a revolution but not who will cause it it suggests that asking why landing would commit suicide is the right question but it doesn't expound in any way basically it's just one nonsense rambling annoying overcompensating enigma that only talks to will smith like jaden smith oh okay lanning's suicide was intentional it was planned the entire point was just to get will to investigate the robots and discover their evil intentions which is fine great but why couldn't he just tell will smith all these things in a password-protected email or jump out with a letter attached to his body maybe a video that preemptively answers all of will smith's questions that detective is the right question [Music] why the need to have will ask the right question of a hologram with limited responses all of which are basically just oh yeah you should like think about that more i'm sorry my responses are limited for example dr lanny wants will smith to be friends with a robot named sunny who can help stop the evil robots but because he doesn't trust any robots will smith spends a huge portion of the movie skeptical of sonny if it had just been written down on a sheet of paper that sonny was an okay robot a lot of time and worry could have been saved i'd like to think so will smith also is basically unsuccessful the robots take over before he manages to learn much of anything a piece of paper that said kill all the robots like kill them right now with your hands would have been much more useful if they wanted to make sure that only will smith got the message make it so can only be accessed via fingerprint scanner they have his fingerprints on file since dr landing basically rebuilt will smith's arm after his accident yeah the movie attempts to hand wave this away by saying that the evil ai vicky was holding landing hostage in his apartment or whatever but it still gave him access to whatever tech he needed to build a functioning hologram as well as an entire robot servant he could still do stuff he just couldn't leave well except through the window the future of minority report is loaded with all sorts of advanced awesome technology from police batons that make you instantly vomit to police spiders that can break into your house without a warrant and scan your retinas to confirm your identity when i say it out loud it sounds like a bunch of fascist police state tech but please jet packs with all this future tech why in the world would the police need to engrave the name of would-be killers and victims on a magic wooden ball roll down a tube shoot how is that more effective than just displaying it on a screen or even writing it down on a piece of paper wooden balls are just wasteful ask the amazon don't kill me you can do this kill me kill me on a practical level there's apparently only one copy of each dumb ball for the victim and the murderer meaning if somebody steals the balls or drops them and they roll so far under the couch that nobody can reach them that's it crime forever unsolved isn't that a fundamental paradox it happens all the time surely they could use some sort of talk to text function or text recognition software or something to get those names into a computer database i mean tom cruise is able to buy himself a major head start by just sneaking the ball into his pocket that wouldn't happen if the killer it's jerry maguire flashed in big red letters on their fancy connect enabled screens i'm not gonna do what you all think i'm gonna do which is just flip out now you'd think as technology improves and things become more digital future security would also improve to keep up but actually according to movies in the future security becomes just worthless nonsense for starters escaping any prison or opening any door in the future is as simple as shooting it or stabbing it with your fingers in rogue one cassian escapes saw herrera's prison by reaching through the bars and shorting out the control panel causing the bars to fly open he then shoots the control panel to the next cell causing those bars to fly open too congratulations you are being rescued these doors are literally less secure than any regular jail cell or just locking any door with a bolt also if the control panel malfunctions in any way the immediate default settings for the bars to fly open why does this exist that is a bad idea but okay maybe the doors are worse for some reason but certainly electronic security is more sophisticated right it's moving too fast oh this is not good the 1994 michael kreit movie disclosure is mostly about demi moore sexually harassing michael douglas so it's already pretty fantastical but the truly insane part is how they handle digital file storage when douglas needs to access some files he has to put on gloves and goggles and get scanned by a vr system and stroll through miles of virtual museum full of virtual filing cabinets the virtual building is enormous and takes actual minutes to walk from wing the wing and for added convenience this file system it's also littered with death pits because security i guess and that doesn't even account for the dangers of evil virtual intruders deleting all your files something douglas encounters when a skeleton wearing demi moore's head shot hacks into the system and attacks his cabinets similar vr storage systems exist in almost every 90s movie about technology something about that decade really made us think that the future would be like tron where we all have to manually crawl into our computers to get anything done the lawnmower man and johnny pneumonic took a step further and added a bunch of random unlabeled shapes to their interfaces accurately predicting that all modern hard drives would be cluttered with useless floating 20-sided dice security isn't effective if the computer is just as likely to kill you as allow you access your private dick pics just do a fingerprint scan and a basic graphical user interface that's plenty of security and much more functional i need a computer the phones in the total recall reboot you hopefully weren't forced to watch are supposed to be this badass spy tech that only secret agents use you make calls just by putting your hand in your face and you put your hand on any glass service to access the video feature pretty rad right well for starters why would you ever want to have a video feature that requires you be around glass or like have a shard of glass in your pocket even if you do find some glass anybody around you can apparently both see and hear what you're doing forget private conversations the sound is projecting out loud for all to hear take me off display video call sex is now only thing for public exhibitionists [Music] also practically where is the camera is it embedded in the back of his hand does the guy on the other side also have his hand pressed up against the bar window somewhere even just normal phone operation is worse we currently live in a world that is doing absolutely everything it can to go hands-free from our tvs to our cars to our sexual experiences bluetooth headsets worn by our modern day douchebags can keep your phone hands perpetually free which would probably be valuable for a person whose whole job is shooting people with with the things in their hands [Music] the worst part is how you'll never again be allowed to ignore a call the i didn't have the phone on me excuse doesn't work when your phone is physically grafted into your hand maybe you could uh claim that reception is bad whenever you cut your fingernails i don't know basically everything about handphones is both impractical and an actual step backwards especially compared to just a normal ass iphone no not an ass phone that's in total recall too excuse me i'd like to ask you a few questions on the internet you can't just all right so uh discussed everybody's favorite total recall reminded you that irobot exists and uh yeah settled the debate of han shooting second looks like i covered pretty much every prestige sci-fi series uh yeah be sure to see kathy on your way out for a futuristic clean exit automatically post a photo of you using it to the social media the future is here [Music] hey everybody you may have noticed this is no longer the only show oh my gosh so like subscribe and like and and comment and go watch the other shows because there's a lot of shows now i mean watch still watch this show but watch the other ones but but mostly this show

Channel: Cracked

Views: 130,281

Rating: 4.7937069 out of 5

Keywords: Star Wars (franchise), Star Wars, Star Trek, Minority Report (film), I Robot (film), Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Total Recall (film), Arnold, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, Shia LaBeouf, Jordan Breeding, Doctor Jordan Breeding, Your Brain On Cracked, Cracked, Cracked.com, Demi Moore, Discosure, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Mnemonic, Tron, Tron (franchise), Michael Douglas, Plot Holes, Movie Plot Holes, Sci-Fi, Movie Technology

Id: EoQmo-bpHDo

Length: 12min 50sec (770 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 27 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/RiffedFool]

Your videos are good and you should feel good. A reverse Zoidberg, if you will.

[u/domingroso]

What an awesome video. Hope they make more!