5 Movie Characters Whose Job Made No Freaking Sense - YBOC (Avatar, Fast & Furious)

[Music] hey there my results are here and I'm a doctor and my name is my name is Jorden breeding and if it was backwards my name would be natraj which you wouldn't expect that so uh um if my boss comes by can you just say I was awake when you got here anyway welcome to another episode of your brain on crack the show where I diagnose movie problems and explain to my mom and my boss how that technically counts as a job and it's the only show on crack that has not called my references so today I diagnose movies are full of people who suck at their jobs journalists work drunk cops fail to catch any criminal more dangerous and a six year old shoplifting Snickers and doctors abused their patients sometimes I've heard and I think that's a if it's against the hinted chromatic oath for sure but at least those jobs should exist there are some movies out there that invent entire careers they don't make any freakin sense whatsoever the primary villain in Jurassic world is engine security chief Vick Hoskins and we know he's evil because he wants philosoraptor trainer Owen Grady to turn his cute little reptiles and obese before the motherhood has finally arrived and we also know he's the villain because he's played by Vincent Donofrio probably isn't even real life took a shot Grady opposes Hoskins because he wasn't training his girl blue to like kill and maim anyone mad I mean other than the several dozen people in at least one dinosaur but no that was just that was just them doing the normal velocity that's not what Grady's are actually training them for although this does beg the question what the hell is he training them for emotional support dance competitions dance-off fro me and you I mean it's cool that Grady's pet dinosaur seen as the Alpha but it's hard to discern any practical benefit to hiring a full-time employee to Train Raptors basically do nothing except not kill Grady it would kill anyone else but they won't kill Grady that that's it I mean he doesn't even claim any real control over the Raptors explaining it's a relationship based on mutual respect Brett and I am print on them when they're born so I guess actually maybe he's a support humic for the Raptors like in case they get sad about how few children they're eating look engine grows these monsters in a lab and the company's gotten so good at it they built an indominus rex a dinosaur that never existed they've got complete control over these beasts genetic makeup if they still somehow allow them to be vicious killers it almost seems like Grady's whole job contradicts whatever the scientists are going for I mean if they wanted chilled eyeness wars they could have just read a bunch of scaly Pomeranians and called it a day you wanted this to happen your son of a [ __ ] Jesus Hogwarts is a big castle it's important that somebody cleans up every time a child dies or blows our arm off with magic but returns to school in five days so the media doesn't win ah yes well that can sometimes happen in the past the wizard is always done the job but at the time the Boy Who Lived shows up Argus Filch holds the position now Phil chooses squib meaning he was born in magic wielding parents but he himself is unable to perform any magic they are in trouble which is weird because most first-year students could probably take over filters responsibilities just in between classes someone spills some dragon semen on the floor during potions Filch has to come in with some sawdust and a broom and scrape it all up but Hermione could just pop off a quick tercio spell and siphon it up are you sure that's a real spell and all that's before you even get into the army of sort of slave creatures Hogwarts employs to cooking clean and steel rich people's socks Dobby is but Phyllis has other duties right I mean he's also in charge of making sure the kids aren't out of their dorms at night I mean if he isn't patrolling the halls he might wander into a dangerous room and there's a creature there and it's taken I was just teaching me open thinking about death but since filth sucks at magic the wizard kids all have all sorts of ways to get around him I mean some make magical maps that give the location of anyone in the castle at any time others have invisibility cloaks and others make potions that transform them into somebody with a later bedtime I'll be in my bedroom making no noise and pretending that I don't exist and that's assuming nobody just blasts Filch with whatever spell they learned that day and defense against authority figures class now the popular theory is that Dumbledore felt sorry for Phillip so he gave him a job and a purpose but what a frustrating job to give somebody who basically as a disability that's the real-world equivalent of making a handicapped person the janitor of an entire shopping mall but they're only allowed to clean the floors with an angry cat dipped in Ajax you've loaded Marquette okay say you're a white American going to visit China for the first time you wanna make a good impression with the locals so you decide to study up on their customs and culture but instead of practicing holding chopsticks or learning which Transformers movie is their favorite you've throw on a kimono and cut your hair to look like Kim Jong goos that's essentially what the humans do in Avatar for some reason the RDA thinks the Navi would be more comfortable talking to a brain jack naughty surrogate than just a regular human so instead of putting on a gas mask and going out there and they send what appears to be the reanimated Frankenstein corpse of Navi warriors the Navi are not fooled for a second well who'd you expect numbnuts they immediately know this is a creepy robot man and they should not trust what's your name the expedition's had vibrates his employees for failing to achieve this weirdly specific purpose of the Avatar program and he tells them you're supposed to be winning the hearts and minds of the natives doesn't have a whole point of your little puppet show if you walk like them you talk like them they'll trust you what the hell have you people been smoking and to be fair I mean if it worked for the Wayans brothers you asked me to but that's like if aliens from another galaxy attempted first contact by building a synthetic human-like creature with dead shark eyes and the hand-eye coordination of a monkey that got into a bottle of xanax or something that's a straight-up horror movie that's invasion of the Body Snatchers but the imposters are maybe twice as polite but thrice is horny the seventh time Don Toretto and his team of fast drivers decide to keep furious they go up against super criminal Deckard Shaw now Shaw is the brother of the dude who Dom's team exploded into a coma in the previous film which inspires and rampage which results in the death of fan favorite character on Lou oh my god he's like so my favorite the crew obviously has to track him down and you know get revenge for t-boning mr. ham glue but Shaw is one shifty dude you shifted nice so they enlist the help of super hacker ramsey who has a program called gods eye and more importantly for this franchise a great butt [Music] you know the theory is that gods I can track Shah anywhere on the planet now but the problem is acquiring Ramses but draws the ire of a crazy mercenary group but the constant threat of death is a small price to pay for the powered cat show the next thing you know they're trying to impregnate your sister however there's another way they could catch sha like standstill this right here my friend happens to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard of in my life everywhere the team goes Shah is already there like Shah crashes house shoes funeral crashes but before Dom grabs him and goes pitch black on his that Russell shows up to make a tantalizing offer if Dom helps Kurt Kurt will help Dom find Shah the the dude right over there whom Dom was like 10 seconds away from killing stick along mr. Toretto I'm here on the recommendation of a mutual friend of ours Kurt Russell's offer of help allow Shaw to escape I mean that's like offering to help someone catch their dog by throwing a bunch of firecrackers at it then suggesting they break out the world's greatest dog catcher with the world's greatest dog catcher but kind of prison just do it yourself god damn zone later the team travels to Alba da Beach which freed the gods I program I mailed it to a friend they secured the hard drive drive but guess who the hell shows up as they're making their escape yeah it's sha baby again they choose to escape with the tracking program instead of going after the guy they're hoping it find him I cannot stress this enough is right there Shaw's been tracking them across the planet the entire movie but the team inexplicably claims they can't find him without help even if Ramsey managed to get God's eye to work it was only ever gonna show that Shaw was like hiding in the closet or waiting behind a plant in the living room [Music] clap tonight I was gonna talk about Skull Island again it's like three episodes ago has anyone else even seen that movie my mom was right I need to stop slacking and watching movies with King Kong what kong is lacking it expects me to believe that John Goodman's character is so wordy you won't be able to find Kong the biggest creature ever they used to hire an expert tracker named Loki Prince of Asgard Odin son rightful heir of Jotunheim and god of mischief no I mean come on mochi immediately asks who or what am i tracking the answer as we all know is an absolutely frigging massive monkey on a tiny remote island Goodman doesn't know they're tracking a huge monkey but he knows it'll be big after detailing a previous encounter with a massive monster Goodman's character explains that he's dedicated his entire life to finding massive monsters if you're not already an expert in this highly niche occupation after 30 years pretty sure nobody's gonna be now there's a man worth talking to do not even still Goodman shows that he knows what he's doing because as soon as they arrive on the island he bombs everything to help these seismic charges intended to flush huge creatures out of hiding and yeah we're lucky somebody's unemployable nephew I mean why did why did I even hire this guy they have a full military escort including helicopters explosives Samuel freakin Jackson it's time to show Kong that man is king and Jackson's crew of Vietnam vets is probably as good if not way better at traversing down--all terrain and some animal trapper plus they brought machine guns so it's difficult to see what bonus skills they're getting out of Loki or how they can justify the insane amount of money they need to acquire services I went five times that anyway cars just so big guys he's the John Goodman of apes you can't miss him forget it Donny you're out of your element listen here's somewhere yeah yeah I was supposed to talk about Dinah's dinosaurs dancing and the magic of disabled custodial work and are omniscient God you get the idea just join me next to point low and I'll diagnose butters just just says butters so I guess just tune in for that and definitely check with Kathy on your way out for drugs for your Apple sauces yeah I think this is an unnecessarily pluralized grocery list so [Applause] [Music] thanks for watching that video or whatever I don't really care cuz I'm a bad I had a bad childhood you that's why I'm wearing this jacket anyway subscribe hit the bell I mean I don't care but I you know do it if you want I don't I don't follow rules

Channel: Cracked

Views: 164,620

Rating: 4.5706253 out of 5

Keywords: Your Brain on Cracked, Cracked.com, movie commentary, king kong, jurassic world, Jordan Breeding, Kong: Skull Island, After Hours, Small Beans, jurassic park, indominus rex, Daredevil, velociraptors, T-Rex, InGen, Hogwarts, Harry Potter, Filch, Squib, Magic, Wizard, Witches, Dobby, Chamber of Secrets, Avatar, Na'Vi, Furious 7, Dom Toretto, Fast and Furious, The Fast and the Furious, Paul Walker, jason Statham, Fast 6, Han Lue, Loki, Kurt Russell, Funny, Satire, Parody, Humor, Review

Id: k4w4nZb-Dw0

Length: 12min 31sec (751 seconds)

Published: Fri May 15 2020