Why Marriage is a Scam - Honest Ads

there's no truer expression of love than a fancy wedding or at least that's what I and my peers have convinced you for financial reasons that will soon become clear if they aren't already sorry are we paying for this time long ago marriage was strategic a way to legally bind to families order increase one family's land holdings today very few issues can be settled by robbing your children of their right to choose a lover however people like me still wanted to make money so we built in the industry around the idea that you should legally bind yourself to the person with whom you most enjoy having sex or failing that with whom you're most comfortable or failing that anyone you want for basically any reason including immigration or tax concerns provided it's not a family member you don't have to of course but it would be weird and kind of pathetic if you don't your parents agree with us and anyway can you really put a price on love yes love costs on average thirty one thousand five hundred dollars [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah same question we should have given a kosher option there's a wedding or an informative short we honestly don't know congratulations you've met the love of your life what better way to celebrate than by spending several paychecks on a party for so many friends family members and people you don't know but who your parents insisted you invite that you never speak with any of them for longer than 15 seconds Society has agreed that it would be awkward if those in love didn't host a cripplingly expensive event at which your friends and family get to watch you kiss and have a chance to object if they want preferably after the meal in exchange newlyweds receive money and/or presence from a pre-approved list of things you'll need to own to begin your life as dual consumers it's your little way of saying buy those bowls we want friend from call in reality your marriage is an open-air market facilitating the barter of appliances for booze and a meal but make no mistake no one's making money here except of course those of us in the legal binding of people with vaguely religious undertones industry example you're gonna want music at your reception or everyone will be mad and even though an iPod plugged into a speaker would be fine we've convinced you that you need to spend over a thousand dollars for a stranger to plug in his iPod instead this is human DJ Chazz he doesn't have a degree in anything and he'll play that song that orders the listeners to get louder than softer then louder again and so on and so forth in that fashion if you fail to retain his services yours will be a cursed Union these are pleasant smelling remains of murdered plant life it costs $2,000 and our garbage two hours after you say I do I'd also like to remind everyone that common wisdom states an engagement ring should cost roughly two months salary and let's not forget about your maid of honor and best man we don't profit much on that one outside of charging them an outrageous amount to rent an outfit worn by dozens of people before really we just thought forcing you into picking your favorite friend would be a funny way to add stress to your wedding day you literally have to decide which of your friends is best then make them write a speech even those on my fourth time talking in front of a group I'm gonna tell a wildly inappropriate story about the girl it's intensely private but Society has obligated me to reveal it and what is arguably the most important day of his life in front of people who really are gonna find it charming but don't worry everyone and in a choreographed dance thank you notes and vows and you'll soon see your wedding as that expensive party that requires homework and don't forget everyone knows you're going to have sex afterwards they're all fine with it there's no problem I'm just pointing out that when anyone smiles at you at your wedding they're thinking they're going to [ __ ] later your grandma knows she's lived a long full life you think she doesn't know what happens on your wedding night and therefore is probably at least briefly imagine the two of you [ __ ] newsflash she has respect the elderly I'm Roger Horton and with the power vested in me by the internet I now pronounce you husband and wife [ __ ] you pay me hey thanks for watching oh and if you have any of your own wedding horror stories please share them below we love them I'll read every single word I'm Roger

Channel: Cracked

Views: 5,558,131

Rating: 4.8790202 out of 5

Keywords: Wedding (Quotation Subject), Lifestyle (TV Genre), wedding, wedding industry, Honest Ads, Marriage, Comedy, funny, spoof, cracked, cracked.com, Parody, Humor, Satire (TV Genre), sex, gay marriage, Sketch, wedding planning, Wedding cake, Sketch Comedy (TV Genre), wedding crashers, Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Ceremony, Commercial

Id: qNQ2kV1OTPU

Length: 5min 32sec (332 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 05 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Laxian]

Indeed :( - Marriage, the worst mistake you can make!

Especially if one of the following happens:

• one partner loses his job (or quits working!)
• sex dries up (still no reason to leave if you ask society and if you still do? Guess what: Have fun in divorce court, especially if you are a man and earn more than she does!)
• divorce happens (most divorces are innitiated by women and many women brag about having cleaned out their ex-husbands...sorry, nope! Not taking that risk! I've seen the aftermath of one divorce (up close! I've seen several from further away!), the one of my parents! Nope! Once is enough, don't want to play the main role in of those, supporting actor was/is enough!)