33 Minutes of Ricky Gervais

but again that's what the world is like people take everything personally i think the world revolves around them right particularly on twitter right i don't know i'm not tweeting anyone i'm just tweeting okay i don't know who's following me i've got 12 million followers i don't know who's following me they can be following me without me knowing right choose to read my tweet and then take that personally that's like going into a town square seeing a big notice board and there's a notice guitar lessons and you go but i don't [ __ ] want guitar lessons what's this ah there's a number here all right call that right are you giving me guitar lessons yeah i don't [ __ ] want any fine it's not for you then just walk away don't worry about it i don't know if you're affected by the volcanic ash cloud um but i had friends that were stuck all over the world and they missed weddings and funerals and they had to put themselves up in a hotel for extra days or they hadn't budgeted for and they couldn't get their money back because the airlines were saying no we can't pay you because the insurance companies won't pay us because they're saying it's an act of god what isn't an act of god no if you believe in god that's sort of a definition of him isn't it that he does everything isn't that right everything is an act of him he's all-powerful he's everywhere at one he invented it there was nothing before him he invented time everything he's across it all okay he doesn't miss a trick and he's not absent-minded a volcano going off isn't like him going [ __ ] i left the oven on you know it's i know are these insurance companies that can decide what is and isn't an act of god how do they know okay have they got a hotline to god they'd call him up do they ring-ring ring-ring hello uh could i speak to god please speaking oh i didn't think you'd answer the phone yourself do you want oh um that volcanic ash cloud uh was that you yeah yes that was an act of me all right so i shouldn't pay out no don't [ __ ] pay him a penny son no brilliant brilliant while i've got you here um did you make a tree fall on steve baxter's car there's a lot of steve baxter's um steve baxter to acacia road houndslow it happened at 2 15 on the third of june this year 2 15 30 no that wasn't me i was in africa that day giving aids to [Applause] babies he does everything he does everything i have never worked out the moral to humpty dumpty humpty dumpty sat on a wall humpty dumpty had a great fall all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty together again all i can think is don't sit on a wall if you're an egg but again how is that applicable to a five-year-old human i mean you tell that to a group of five oh so don't sit on a wall of your neck what do you mean if i'm an egg i'm not an egg oh it doesn't make sense if i'm i'll win none of us are eggs if there was an egg there it wouldn't make sense can you go to the egg don't sit on the wall and go i'm an egg i can't eat you i've got nothing no ears no eyes i don't know what the [ __ ] what don't sit on what i can't [ __ ] hear i don't i don't i've got nothing this is i'm in nothingness i can't [ __ ] climb walls for a start so don't send horses to perform medical procedures [Laughter] [Applause] of course they couldn't put him together again they've got no dexterity whatsoever they can't sew to save their life that they've got no thumbs they're learn opposable thumbs they don't send send a [ __ ] it's a delica an egg we've got a cracked egg should we send a horse definitely not have you got a doctor or someone who works for faberge don't we we've we've we've got like a half a ton creature with no fingers no don't send that got a four-legged thing we'd like no no no chance they they they can't they put couldn't put on they couldn't scrub up they can't [Applause] magic this isn't it delicate egg horse comes over [ __ ] it couldn't they wouldn't even think of [ __ ] that's it they wouldn't even see it they'd go there what the [ __ ] that's it wouldn't even you couldn't explain it to it don't send it if i had to design the perfect egg crushing device it would be a hoof [Applause] i need this uh as a cracked egg i need it crushing completely hoof the hoof's great don't send off doesn't matter whether the king's horses or not don't certainly don't send all of them that's gonna be chaos if there was one horse with a little bit announced he had a child he did like one year before he got kicked out of harvard he could have i know the rudimentaries that are they all the [ __ ] ah for [ __ ] sake there's no lads don't dare they're [ __ ] all over it [ __ ] it's definitely [ __ ] now [Applause] what if we'd have been invaded by france that day and they're all bloke comes running up the hill because are you in charge of all the king's horses all these men yep friends are coming what the french are coming where are all the king's horses i set them to mend an egg you don't be gone what do you mean you said demand a [ __ ] egg ah if your surname is dumpty don't call your firstborn humpty [Applause] what sort of stigma is that for a kid that's already an egg [Laughter] and have a piss ripped out of him i bet he jumped off the wall we've come a long way from it being punishable to total equality as it should be of course in england the gauge of consent same as heterosexuality now um 16 and even gay marriage um although ironically the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election california they had a referendum they put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage i mean in california there's people going that's why we moved here i mean it's a it's a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else's lifestyle that doesn't affect you back it's not like they asked a bloke once said sorry um do you mind if these two men get married he went no fine okay jack them off then what i didn't know that was good that doesn't happen doesn't it that doesn't happen look it's also a strange sort of bigotry because these people that object to that were presumably the same people that said you know gay people were immoral and promiscuous but now they don't want to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of god and it must be so confusing to a gay guy in california thinking that's the bit they don't like with all the other [ __ ] we get up to it's the marriage bit that was so confused they must go to judges and go sorry can i get the rules straight what do you want to know i just didn't know what we can and can't do ask away can i marry a man no can i [ __ ] him up the ass and give him a little reach round [Applause] please i can't marry him no but can i pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and drizzle him and throw him out in the morning or crusty and homeless of course you can yeah but i couldn't marry him no no and don't ask again could i line up 15 men i'm just riffing here can i line up 15 men and just jack them off for a laugh if you want yeah it would be difficult wouldn't it jacking off 15 minute one it'd be like plate spinning wouldn't it no because you'd have you could only do two at once really so you'd have these two ready to blow but then they'd be losing it and you'd [Applause] jacking off 15 men at once never thought i'd say that oh again um no he was the ringleader old adolph that name name's died out in it [Applause] he killed that dead didn't he no one's calling their kid adolf nowadays no little adults going to school loads of brads and angelina's but no that you don't hear the teacher doing the register brad here angelina here adolf here i do that quick so no one can take a picture of me doing that um no but people make excuses for him people say oh he was stupid he was easily led he didn't he didn't mean that what do you mean he didn't mean that i say oh no he's influenced by the political philosopher friedrich nietzsche right because nietzsche wrote this paper um talking about a superman he said not all men are born equal and hitler misinterpreted this and went way too far with it and uh think of that you're a great scholar you've done this work and you get a call from the fuhrer and the viewer goes all right nietzsche yes yeah good what do you want because just read your book what do you think love it love all that man and superman not everyone's equal kill all the jews sorry [Applause] [Laughter] not everyone's equal so kid all the jews i didn't like that i read between the lines [Applause] i i i didn't mean that that's terrible have you you haven't yep you haven't been killing jewish people have you what have you been in jewish people [Applause] [Laughter] a few how many six million six million that's all i won't do anymore leave it leave it at six that's terrible i won't do any more stay for dinner well i will but be careful in future i will are you writing any other books well i am but i'm scared to tell you about it i won't do anything what's a new book called my new book is called the gypsies do we need them [Applause] there's these people that say being gay isn't natural well it is natural um and i've got a book to prove it um homosexuality occurs in about the same incident in the animal kingdom as it does in human society this is a real book it's called biological exuberance animal homosexuality and natural diversity by bruce bagamil okay um the evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community that doesn't mean like chimps on one particular street wearing leather caps and stuff it's they sort of spread it out more really this is a real book can we have the first slide please right okay right this is a real book okay right absolutely real okay two male stumptown macaques in mutual fellatio mutual they're sharing they're sharing their own next slide okay a male squirrel monkey right performing a genital display toward another male uh he's just going what do you think of that this one's going what suck it look at his little hand why because we're gay i'm not you [ __ ] are look at the way he's holding him and he's got his leg up for extra purchase let's go get them there get in there get in there look at him can you imagine my face when i discovered this book next slide please ah okay a female olympic marmot mounting another female now i don't know what is in that for either of them unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo one more one more slide oh this is a doozy okay two forms of copulation between male dolphins genital slit or anal penetration above and below blow hole penetration oh yeah oh yeah [Applause] basically he is [ __ ] him in the head it's in the head he's [ __ ] him in the head ladies i have never seen that on any wildlife documentary i've never why have i never seen that before why are they doing that maybe it's not in the wild maybe it's in sea world which is like their prison they're going they're going [ __ ] sake they put in two males like some people think we're fish we might as well [ __ ] do it okay i mean look at his face he's going dave what could could we could we not do up the arse like them no it's in the head or nothing [Applause] dave what what dave dave i love you but i can't [ __ ] breathe [Applause] that is a real book that is a real book can we have it look i love the fact that he found like a turkey in drag to to show how guy animals can be the gayest animal in the world i was talking earlier about um trying to educate myself and that is true and i think you know um the internet is probably the greatest resource of information the world has ever seen it's amazing and there are online encyclopedias that you can go into and change you can't do that in the library can you really you can't just get down inside of peter what are you doing mate just changing a bit [ __ ] off it's loads of websites just clogging up the internet by people they're doing websites about themselves it's like my name is rupert this is my cat i like the cure who gives a [ __ ] [Applause] and the trivia sites where do people just load up things they've learned and i just think what they wake up in a cold sweat and go i've got to tell the world this the peanut is not a nut it's a legume but my favorite my favorite are the animal facts the animal facts are just i think incredible this is from a website called devon jen's world of knowledge okay and i want you to think about the people who put this up okay that you know not just the fact but who did it and why they did it what were they thinking okay number one you can lead a cow upstairs but not down thanks very much um i looked into that it's true a cow will go upstairs but they won't go downstairs because the way their joints don't oppose but i think of the poor bastard who found that out the hard way come on daisy down you go i don't go downstairs come on no i don't go downstairs i'm away with joy i don't care about your joints my wife's coming home from work in five [ __ ] minutes to get down the stairs [Applause] you thought yeah i've got to tell other people about this number two stroking a spider can cause it to go bald thanks one what sort of maniac goes around stroking spiders dracula's assistant i don't know two is that a problem in the arachnid world premature balding do they worry about that much i thought i'd be they'd be loving it wouldn't they be in the skinner they're so [ __ ] hard got all the legs all the eyes the teeth [ __ ] it i'm bored who cares abs to it i like it more but no apparently it's a big big problem you stroke a little spider he goes oh my god he runs back to the web and all the other spiders go what are you wearing a baseball cap for fashion [Laughter] bit weird no it's just fashion we'll take it off in the web now i'll just keep it on a bit cold cold we're in a cupboard under the sink it's boiling ah take it off now take it off oh [Applause] have you been in a human stroke here leave this [ __ ] web number three polar bears will sometimes cover their black nose during a hunt to camouflage themselves more completely it's a good idea in it because uh apart from the old nose a perfectly camouflaged there white snow's white so sneaking up on a little arctic hair and i get there in the arctic hair he turns around the polar bear goes [Applause] [Applause] [Laughter] but how did they find out because that's behavioral all the polar bears sitting around one night going i'm starving every time i sneak up in a little hair he looks round and he hops off it's like he can see me i can't work out little voice little hair goes i can tell you can you see us well i can see where you are and how many there are of you really how you'll kick yourself now go on tell us your nose is black the nose it's black [Applause] oh cheers [Applause] can you see us now no thank you my favorite fact okay number four montana mountain goats will sometimes butt heads so hard that their hooves fall off can that be true that's amazing [Laughter] so there's two there they're looking at a female goat one goes i like her and then goes yeah i'm probably gonna mate with her well now i saw her first that's not how it works how does it work we have to run at each other really hard and crack heads is that safe oh yeah [Laughter] okay go do do [Applause] ow ow oh look yeah yours all right yeah i grip on impact did you know about this why don't you tell me mortal enemies never mind that my [ __ ] feet are falling off [Applause] one more amazing fact elephants have been caught swimming up to two miles off the coast in the indian ocean that's amazing i didn't know they like to swim i certainly didn't think they could swim two miles out to sea but it's the language this person uses have been caught swimming [Applause] like it's illegal [Applause] says the coast guard morning morning morning foaming ring ring hello they're doing what no i'll be there [Applause] that's me in a little boat i'm not jacking a bloke off behind me what are you doing nothing it's not nothing is it what's that beach ball tell me what you're doing don't look at him what are you doing swimming yeah you are do you know how far off coast you are two miles is it yes it is yes it is you know you're not meant to do this don't you don't cry [Applause] but if you know you're not meant to do it i've told you loads of times why are you doing it again i forgot farming is a problem um which brings me to this next pad that we need to stamp out um this happened christmas before last exchanging gifts uh with old friends good friends um quite well off friends from being honest um i got them a coffee making machine from harrods top of the range they loved it um they gave me my present it was just an envelope i thought oh what's this vouchers open it up it wasn't vouchers um it was just a card with a picture of a goat on it um and i said what's this they went oh our gift to you is we gave a goat to an african family what i'm looking at the coffee machine thing is it too late to take that back is it too i wasn't oh um we we gave a goat to an african family did you oh so i've got [ __ ] all then basically i mean i don't even know this african family why would i give them a go it doesn't matter this serves no purpose at all no but this is no good for anyone they're 50 quid down i've got nothing the african family's going not another mouth to feed right the goat is going where the [ __ ] am i this what the this is [ __ ] a week ago i was gambling around the cotswolds there was there was grass and tourists with nuts and this is a [ __ ] dust bowl and there's no way that goat wanted to go to africa it was basically no it was kidnapped it was abducted it was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to africa like roots in reverse there was no there was no way they went you want to go to africa he went definitely not no no oh come on why didn't you want to go to africa um lions come on why didn't you want to go to africa um aids well that shouldn't affect you it shouldn't you're you'll be pleased to know this is the last time i'm hosting these awards so i don't care anymore um i'm joking i never did um let's go out with a bang let's have a laugh at your expense shall we remember they're just jokes we're all gonna die soon and there's no sequel so yeah remember that um but you all look lovely all doled up you came in your limos i came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by felicity huffman so no shush it's a it's her daughter i feel sorry for okay that must be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to her and her dad was in wild hogs so lots of big celebrities here tonight i mean legends icons yeah look at this table alone uh al pacino robert de niro baby yoda oh that's that's joe pesci sorry um i love you man don't have me whacked um but tonight isn't just about the people in front of camera in this room are some of the most important tv and film executives in the world people from every background but they all have one thing in common they're all terrified of ronan farrow he's coming for you he's coming for you look talking of all you perverts it was a big year it was a big year for pedophile movies um surviving r kelly leaving neverland two popes shut up shut up i don't care i don't care no one cares about movers anymore no one goes to cinema no one really watches network tv everyone's watching netflix this show should just be me coming out going well done netflix you win everything good night but no no we gotta drag it out for three hours you could binge watch the entire first season of afterlife instead of watching this show that that's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer and it's still more fun than this okay spoiler alert um season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn't kill himself just like jeffrey epstein shut up i know he's your friend but i don't care do you like to make your own way here in your own plane didn't you right but seriously most films are awful lazy remakes sequels i've heard a rumor that there might be a sequel to sophie's choice i mean that'd just be meryl streep going well it's gotta be this one then the irishman was amazing it was amazing um it was my fac my f it was great long but amazing um it wasn't the only epic movie once upon a time in hollywood nearly three hours long leonardo dicaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him even prince andrew is like come on leo mate you know you're nearly 50 son um the world got to see james corden as a fat [ __ ] he was also in the movie cats but no one saw that um and the reviews are shocking i saw one that said this is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs right but dame judy dench defended the film saying it was the role she was born to play because she i can't do this next joke because she loves nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet lifting her leg and licking her [Applause] verbal verbal she's old school um it's the last time who cares

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 932,123

Rating: 4.8935857 out of 5

Keywords: best of ricky gervais, ricky gervais, comedy, stand up comedy, ricky gervais golden globes, golden globes, 33 minutes of ricky gervais, funny, ricky gervais stand up, ricky gervais jokes, ricky gervais golden globes 2020, ricky gervais hitler, ricky gervais animal facts, jokes, hilarious, laugh planet

Id: F22XTs1ggHs

Length: 33min 14sec (1994 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 23 2020