Jimmy Carr's Guide To The UK | Jimmy Carr

I was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago got talking to a girl down the front and asked her where she was from she said I'm from outside Birmingham I said really so am I what part of Birmingham aren't you from I was driving through a very rough area of South London s or a big police sign by the side of the road big yellow and black thing it said violent crime here Tuesday can you help I appreciate the turnip and communities together but I don't even approve I'd I think happened to me a couple of weeks ago actually in North London close to where I live I was walking home by at 11:30 at night and this young kid about 15 or 16 years of age comes running out of an alleyway at high speed he's all out of breath and panting and clearly in some distress just help help me and my mayor being mugged all right calm down take a breath of course I'll help my mate and I are being mugged and he Welsh people in any bulge oh it's quite a few where we seem to have contained the problem I'm loving the Welsh I like the Welsh language and I like the Welsh language because it was clearly invented by a dad losing at Scrabble it's clearly what's happened there that's not a word it starts with three L's which is a bloody word what how's it pronounced I was in North Wales last year was in Llandudno is anyone Peter Llandudno if you don't know you don't have to answer that I'll ask you is anyone metre Llandudno a few of you but it's a lovely town I was there any we're doing a show go on stage walked out I said it's lovely to be in Llandudno this guy front and center where you're sitting there face like [ __ ] thunder when it's not land did not you bloody fool its plan did not in Wales the double ale is pronounced with a sea I said alright don't be a Lunt about it when I was at school the girl called Alice whacked off a dog for three cigarettes I know what you're thinking how did a dog get cigarettes I think British men have got a fairly terrible reputation in the bedroom we're always saying the wrong thing I remember once having a one-night stand with a girl and after the sex she turned to me and jokingly said who's gonna sleep in the wet patch I said you're optimistic I'm not staying this is a good story about how bad British men are in the sack I've got a friend he went on holiday to IB who was about 25 at the time and he picked up a girl got her back to the villa they made love underneath the moonlight on the verandah sounds fairly romantic I think as a setting but he managed to [ __ ] it up don't worry about that she turned to him she said talk dirty to me no more accurately talk dirty to me he had a couple of seconds to think okay gentlemen you've all got a couple of seconds just go to the place in your head the little rolodex of dirt next to the wank Bank generally you you know you've got something smarter you could get out pretty quickly you've all got something right he had a few seconds to think he came up with the following have some of that new fat slang you fat slag [ __ ] hell I imagine pretty quickly followed by why are you crying in terms of romant is right up there with Willie won't suck itself I'm not saying that women aren't as bad women can be as bad I once a month had sex with an Australian girl she said mid-coitus whilst [ __ ] she said have you slimed yet you slimed yet [ __ ] ghostbusters [Applause] I've always liked swearing I'm a big fan of swearing especially sort of middle-class polite swearing sort of swearing parents do in front of the kids to pretend they don't swear terms like effing we all know it means [ __ ] but it's a nicer way of saying it is now I've got a story about this obvious a wedding with my friend Craig he's Scottish he swears a lot yeah I don't need to say both of those things anyway we're all suited and booted at this very posh wedding on our very best behavior he leans across the table he says pardon my french I thought we're in trouble here I happen to know you don't speak French you barely speak English it's just pardon my french but we all know Paul is an effing [ __ ] that's the bit of the sentence that needed cleaning up there I tell you what I think we're [ __ ] out as a nation I think we're terrible at languages which your group of that I think the British are terrible at languages and I think that's why at one stage we had an empire I think our arrogance gots an empire because we're you know we got sailing ships and we went off around the world trying to buy stuff to bring back to show off that's what you do on your holidays we arrived on the shores of a foreign land we got out of the boat and we said I'd like to buy some spices please I'm getting nothing here Jeremy said a bit louder fudge what I'd like to buy some spices please still nothing well I'll fetch the muskets we'll build a railway and 200 years back I'm a call center very much an abridged version of Empire but that's what happened I've got another story about how bad we are at languages I was doing a bit material last year about the rioting all over Paris French people rioting it's funny Oh quick Pierre to have a water cannon if we're not careful we'll be washed and I wanted to check ahead and offended anyone so I said are there any French people in someone shouted si Senor I thought that's a new kind of stupid because he's Spanish [Music] [Applause] are you all drinking this evening ladies gentleman you're drinking yeah boy if you get I like drinking I prefer being drunk than getting drunk I'm not very keen on beer and wine but I like the interesting things you order when you're drunk the drinks but no one ever order sober aftershock is a prime example you know that weird pink fluid no one's ever ordered that so the designated driver has never walked into a bar and thought well I can have one drink honor they've got beer they've got wine they've got spirits no I'll have a pipette of aftershock please the same with the flaming sambuca I was ever ordered one of those sober you have you've ordered a flaming sambucas sober it's your drink you order flaming sambucas the clue as to why you shouldn't order one madam he's the fact it's on fire if the equivalent of walking into a kitchen go number bit thirsty as a glass and a tap and then spying out the corner I a gas hob the only reason I could possibly think of to order a flaming sambuca when sober is if you meet a girl and she's something just a little bit special yeah maybe you've been out on two or three dates you've established she's beautiful she's intelligent she's funny you think you might be in love with it you think she might be the one but she's got a bit of a problem with facial hair on the top that can be an awkward thing to bring up much better I think take her out for a drink - flaming sambucas please no no they're both for you you know are you doing flaming sambucas as one what about some fun oh of course sorry I'm sorry I'm terribly sorry I was just I was asking kind of a London audience do you drink flaming sambucas when sober if I'd thought there were people in from Newcastle I would have said what do you like to drink to get you in the mood for a fight so what you down here on the Rob all the best sites in Newcastle I imagine the one where you go now I've been a comedian now for about 10 years I've been doing this job for about 10 years and I thought this year I thought this year I would try and get a bit better not a crazy idea right one of the things I was quite weak on was regional accents is anyone here good at regional accents you could barely say the word yes they're so good at talking never mind accents but I was no good at doing regional accents and it's one of those things that as a comedian it's quite good if you could be good at regional accents cuz you're good for telling jokes but I thought well I'll go away I'll do some research this evening I would like to give you a masterclass in regional accents because I've discovered the secret and the secret is this all you need is a key phrase to get you started in the regional dialect and then you're golden once you get started once you get in your head you're fine but getting started can be tricky so I'll kick off with what - I'll kick off with Scouts any scousers in god scouts are over there where's this caster give us a shout we're not gonna tell you benefits away [Music] leeches the phrase I use to do the scouts acts and this is the phrase I have in my head to get me started in this cows Alton chicken and mechanical or Walton chicken and a phone call Alton chicken on a conical awesome chicken on mechanical the little head bobble just comes if you say a few times awesome chicken and I can call well let's make the scousers feel at home let's everyone on three Alton chicken and a conical okay one two three fantastic Birmingham now obviously obviously that's just to get you started once you get started then you could say something properly or authentically scalps awesome chicken and the chemical I'm going on the Rob I've gotta get a Prezi it's me Gran's birthday she's thirty [Music] anyone in from Belfast anyone from Belleville you're built Belfast where's Belfast hey Belfast this is the phrase I used to get the Belfast accent right ginger and community [Music] the terrifying stare is optional we find it helps changer and community a community has more syllables than you thought it had okay let's try everyone let's go Belfast a ginger and community one two three you're now all qualified to say there's a bomb in the car roller coaster pooper-scooper Oompa Loompa Kawasaki for unrelated words meaningless in all respects other than if you're trying to do the Geordie accent which case they're a [ __ ] gift roller coaster Mulumba Kawasaki [Music] altogether ruler course tar-bar school Barney Jordi's in know presumably they're outside with their shirts off fighting I wonder what the fellows are up to well should we go near Walsh people in my god we got an army hello now I've discovered the secret to the Welsh accent isn't so much a phrase it's more a state of mind to do a good Welsh accent you've just got a sound confused horse Court is that jacket [Music] whose shoes are those trainers it's all try wash Court is that jacket whose shoes are those trainers see those two houses the one in the middle is mine [Music] that paper you're sitting on are you reading that I came out of the shop and there was my bike gone anyone from Manchester no-one from Manchester Manchester spread the erections pretty easy for Manchester you just need three words side alright not bad ha she one of my best friends is from Manchester he's called Ally he was named after where he was conceived any Scottish people we've got Scottish hello living the stereotype all you love obviously destroy shacks importing the best phrase to use is there's been a murder chances are the property [ __ ] has been of course living in Scotland the main benefits are unemployment and housing see the scousers ears are perked up like a Chafee mere cap there is a bit of a drink problem in Scotland I hope you don't mind me saying yeah up there they think I'm a double act and the drunks you wouldn't believe the [ __ ] drugs were about to Scotland you from poor William I don't know where the [ __ ] that is sorry you've got sort of are an axe and meet your speech impediment I think the Loch Ness monster you introducing yourself [Music] sorry I'm for the drugs in at the drugs in Scotland my up it's got a no call in methadone it's got a can't believe it's not heroin think the easiest accent in the UK is the west country because the west country is just a pirate voices net who can't do a [ __ ] pirate voice ah I'm gone on a date with my sister oh my mammy doesn't find out I'm cheating on her are there people in from the west country not being patronizing I just thought it'd be a little treat for you to see her ham with five fingers [Music] now won't be the phrase if I was gonna try and do the Birmingham accent what would be the phrase for Birmingham won't be the thing if I was gonna alright alright the other phrases seems to come up a lot in Birmingham is it's [ __ ] shitty alright it's [ __ ] shitty any other phrases for Birmingham what other what was that that was just all vowels what was it hey yo all right now and you're a stroke said I shouldn't really joke about stroke survivor of a stroke I'll be laughing out the other side of my face [Music] are there any other words any other key phrases for Birmingham watery koopa - how am ya poorly educated [Applause] have you got any other exotic accents in the rooms anyone from overseas or any more exciting anyway and it won't anyone from the UK that we've missed any any other place in the UK Jersey you haven't gone accent your tax-dodging scum [Applause] who knew there was that much auntie Jersey feeling it was simmering under finally someone said it you're basically French now [ __ ] off does anyone ask what different accent we haven't covered Essex you muggy milf you [ __ ] slag [ __ ] slag I don't know how they make Essex men presumably a man [ __ ] a chicken any others well sorry Ozzie I can do one thing I can do is your shirt 25 pounds of ticky I thought we priced you out you're sure so I'll lock in a lot well bloody well see with it totally frugal cricket my favourite Yorkshire phrase is tin tin tin which means it isn't in the Tin Tin Tin Tin Tintin teen who do we have a who's upwards Australian give us a give us a chance Ronnie man you still [ __ ] there where are you Julian I could do easy the prime minister or the president I can never remember but I could do out from home away careful one he is you're acting like a bloody hoon mate Oh arrogant apprise GLE are never the [ __ ] go Aries will you worry about an Australian you from Melbourne so you weren't affected by the flooding will you is that why you start so high up well taking any [ __ ] chances but I'm gonna make his people you know people lost everything in the flooding because they'd forgotten to tie their kangaroos down serious people drowned and you wouldn't have expected that cuz they're all wearing hats with corks on any others what was that one you're Chinese you don't really sound Chinese sir with you and I think if I did a Chinese accent now it would it would you know would smack over a seal a sysm [Music] well that took you a long time been there got it any others Jamaican you know my name is you aware of this oh well this would be a treat for you I like everyone in the room now to say my name in a Jamaican accent 1 2 3 I am Jamaica [Laughter] [Music] bumbaclot you got some bumbaclot sin they've gone oh bloody minute any others Dublin where where's the Dublin hello I saw the documentary about your weddings I thought I was terrific that's my phone you know I'm a plastic paddy what they call a plastic paddy of the Irish parents Irish passport born in Ireland but I speak and present myself in this way because it was raised and educated in the Home Counties which goes to show what you can do when you apply yourselves it's my favorite my favorite um my favorite Irish joke maybe I maybe only Irish people get this joke I'll tell you and see what's the difference between a riot and a gypsy wedding you can't buy a gate at a riot maybe that's just an art you

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 2,888,652

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy car comedy special, your face or mine, jimmy carr laugh, 8 out of 10 cats, satire, jimmy carr roast of rob lowe, jimmy carr uk accents, jimmy carr roast battle uk, uk, united kingdom, britain, british

Id: v32UQwRxsU4

Length: 24min 6sec (1446 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 21 2020