“I Have a Douchey Face” - Matthew Broussard - Full Special

foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] hi everybody wow thank you all for being here this is really exciting uh just want to open with this I look like a douchebag cool thank you thank you very much uh that's not really a joke it's just like I I need I need you to make sure to know that I know like I'm aware I've seen mirrors I get it like I understand like I feel like before I even picked up the microphone most of you already didn't like me and that's that's okay because 80s movies have taught you to not trust someone with my hair and bone structure I get it you know I mean I feel like that's my whole life I just have like a douchey face where I can just like walk into a party eat three Pringles and leave and everyone's just like I I try to have fun with it though like during my lunch breaks at work I like to throw in a letterman jacket and stop by local high schools right yeah just like cruise around the cafeteria find a kid sitting alone he's like Stacy's a cheerleader she's never had a problem with you door quad he's like wait who are you you look at 40. I'm like whatever kid I'm drunk I actually recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school it's uh it's called CrossFit I started doing I've heard of it thank you very much that's uh that's not a joke either I actually do it it's that here's the thing in this Lane was like I'm 28 years old at this point my life when I go to the gym it's just a workout it's just to stay in shape people who do CrossFit consider it a sport like when I joined the gym the first thing they asked is so what are your goals as an athlete it's like low cholesterol and sex with the lights on like why are you here and I don't think the workouts are good for you like they sound like they were written by an undercover chiropractor trying to drum up business that's like all right here's twice your body weight you're gonna pick it up set it down then scream like a wounded Spartan okay what about form no time for form just uh try to lift with your back okay that uh it sounds like it's gonna hurt and not in a good way don't be a [ __ ] pain is just cartilage leaving your kneecaps you got this [Applause] all right check this for a second I'm sweating all right I uh I bring my phone with me on stage it's a bad habit it's uh I'm really attached to it because now I have this case that holds all my cards so it's like a it's like a wallet and a phone in one which is super convenient because if I ever lose it I'll just kill myself it's nice it's nice you guys are a lovely crowd it's nice to get to do comedy for grown-ups uh I don't do like kindergarten shows or anything that'd be really fun though just like no [ __ ] like crayons like yeah no I I do a lot of college shows which it's fun but you have to spend a lot of time with college kids and you forget what they're like because we keep them quarantined during that forest in life but they're ah so where there's no consequences for college kids you can just walk in front of oncoming traffic like a complacent Clark Kent they're just adorable with their MacBook Pros and their wrong opinions on things so I mean just like people always give teenagers a tough time but like at least teenagers know their children whereas college students will just walk up like what's up my name's Devin or something stupid uh let's talk about the economy even though I've never paid an electricity bill it's like no slow down Atlas Shrug I don't need you I don't know it's I'm not trying to sound judgmental I remember when I was in college I was just a terrible person one of the worst things I did in college was I was prescribed to a drug called Adderall which you guys you guys party right yeah uh I didn't like the effect Adderall had on me so I decided to stop taking it but I kept filling the prescriptions because apparently there's like a huge Market but college kids so I sold it so I was a a drug dealer but I'm like the least gangster way possible right just like hanging out in the quad between classes like hey Youngblood hey you want to get high grades I was the only person on campus selling it too which was I met a lot of interesting people there was one girl who was trying to sleep with me to get free Adderall attention [ __ ] it's more for me than for you that's fine that's okay okay essential college is when you're in college it makes sense but when you go back and visit College as a grown-up it's crazy like I realize at this point I don't even know how to explain how College Works without it sounding like I'm pitching a sadistic concept for reality show it's like all right here's what we do we take human beings during the four years we're the most physically attractive and sexually able and then we put them in an all expenses paid resort with no supervision and Limitless booze and then see if they can learn huh to uh when you're a no-name comedian to get booked to do college shows you have to do these things called NACA conventions there's these giant weekend long conferences where you go and you showcase for student Bookers from like hundreds of schools but because college kids are so Progressive a lot of the other acts are people who talk about how they've overcome persecution for their ethnicity for their sexual orientation for Disabilities uh and then me and here's the thing about me my appearance of folks many feelings sympathy is not one of them you know what I mean no one wants to hear about the plight of a guy with resting Rich face it's just not very very compelling there's no in the audience like I want to hear more about his comp or whatever it's called and uh well red crowd all right the thing is is for me the contrast makes it very challenging because I'll be sitting backstage and I'll hear the performer in front of me come out she's like hey what's up y'all let me tell you what it's like being a sassy transgender Muslim right and the crowd just explodes like yeah you're my spirit mammal right and then she just crushes for 15 minutes talking about overcoming adversity and early onset Park consigners and then and I walk on stage and even though they've never seen me before I'm how they already pictured the bad guy from her stories right the crowd not on my side sea of contempt just the death glare from a thousand gender studies Majors they're just like all right okay so what's your struggle huh talk about your hardships it's like uh people incorrectly assume I'm good at lacrosse like I don't yeah I mean that's why I'm not edgy as a comedian I feel like I'm just too privileged looking to have an opinion you know what I mean like I can't walk on stage and be like black people it's like whoa they're both shoes no no no no no no no uh-uh you'll get to have a bold stance on race and the keys to your parents lake house that's not so how this life works I feel like as a white person that whenever I bring up race it just sounds a little bit racist you know what I mean like I used to do recruiting work and they'd seem around the country and this one time I ended up at a career fair at Dartmouth College and while I was there I saw this girl walking around who's African-American very attractive and she looked exactly like this girl I went to school with and I really wanted to tell her that within a voice in my head was like yeah don't don't say that right because best case scenario all she's gonna hear is oh cute Zach Morris thinks all black people look the same right so I ended up talking to her anyway and we chatted for a little while and I mentioned where I went to school and she goes oh rice um long shot but did you have a class with my identical twin sister I was like wow that's crazy I was gonna say something but I thought I'd sound racist because you're black and she was like no but now you do I live in Los Angeles now originally from the south I live in uh West Hollywood California which if you don't know is the gayest city in the country and uh it's actually really cool I feel like uh I feel like I'm part of a community there even though I'm completely heterosexual College doesn't count and it's it's neat like I've always supported gay marriage but now that I live there I I feel like gay marriage isn't enough I realize I want to see more gay couples having children uh and not just like adopting like I want science and molecules stay with me here Louisiana you guys but if there was some way the two men could put their DNA together that'd be amazing because then there would be one in four chances that their kids would end up with double Y chromosomes and be born just like way too manly right right like his balls drop in the second trimester and he comes out of the womb fists first already has stubble naturally smells like Old Spice right and then you get to see just like gay couples walking around the park together just like holding hands with like a rugged toddler right a little badass and there'd be no more homophobia homophobia would go away forever because people would be terrified right like the first day sometimes look at these queers like hey hey would you just call my dads and then he swallows his cigar it's like listen I'm two years old I'll go back to jail the parents like come on Magnus he's not worth it it's not Magnus for like a two foot four Hugh Jackman Wolverine I uh I get upset when people use religion to justify their homophobia I think that's really messed up uh just use science this is your science right because like there isn't a good explanation for like homosexuality is clearly not a choice right but it's also not hereditary because I've never met someone who's like yeah I'm a proud homosexual just like all four of my grandfathers right that's not how I work gay people don't procreate they don't pass on their DNA yet there's more of them now than there ever were if there's anyone who has the right to be protesting a pride parade it would just be like a lone geneticist holding up a sign with a question mark like but how about how I'm not mad I'm just confused I have so many questions where do you come from how do you keep making more of you like seedless watermelons I just I don't I find it funny how much effort straight men put into making sure people know that they're not gay like I feel like that's our whole lives yeah like and it limits who we are who we get to be I feel like that's our double standard women have their own women always say you know if I didn't have to worry about being called a [ __ ] I would be way more sexually liberated and I was like yeah but if I didn't have to worry about people thinking I was gay I would own four Yorkshire Terriers and Carrie Miranda Charlotte and Samantha you know I mean like this the sacrifices like uh if you're a girl and you see another girl who looks cute you can just tell her that right I want to compliment guys in their looks constantly but I can't just like hey bro nice jawline and then roll up my window and drive away that's weird I drive a 93 Camry for some reason in this joke actually I was in indexes and I met a black guy and uh well that was the end of the story it's like yeah progress no uh I met a black guy and he had blue eyes uh he didn't look mixed or anything The Bluest I've ever seen and then I had to have a conversation with him like there were other things I wanted to talk about right so I'm just like trying to smile and not just keep my phone and finally just break down I'm like Hey listen I'm sorry to interrupt but I have to tell you your eyes are really pretty and he was like ha no homo right and I was like honestly some like a little bit I like I like doing comedy games to be a comedian it's a cool job I don't think it's a cool show I think scientists have the coolest job in the world here's why the G-Spot uh the G in G-spot if you don't know stands for Grafenberg after Dr Grafenberg the anatomist who discovered it and then named it after himself what a champ oh you guys understand the difference between found the G-Spot and founded the G-Spot that's one dude I tried to look him up but hard guy to find actually I couldn't don't Don't Clap for that my mom wrote that joke that's not that no I didn't look him up because you know like don't Google Your Heroes I mean I want to know I want to know where he's from I don't want to know his first name and I really really don't want to know what he looks like because in my mind I already have this picture of this guy who's like barely a doctor just like sleeveless lab coats beakers and Koozies right and he's just standing there looking smug with stirrups and a laser pointer just like yeah that was uh that was all me yeah no no I wasn't even looking for it just kind of stumbled across it while I was studying abroad shots [Applause] G stands for Grafenberg not bro she stands for job well done it goes deeper poor wording uh the the pap smear was also named after a man which that's a weird Legacy to leave behind like if I were the person who invented that I would not name it after myself I went out after someone I really hated so I feel like the real path was just some high school bully running around shoving nerds in lockers with his buddies Ron tampon and Joey colonoscopy right just here's the guys here's the thing it doesn't end there I I did some research for this joke and I uh research I masturbated to Wikipedia articles and uh I learned that any part of the female anatomy that is named after a person is named after a man so all of it uh Bartholin's land skeins gland graphene follicles Dr Kegel was a man as was Dr philopius uh of tube Fame which uh means that it's all named after affluent male doctors so the women's reproductive system is like the rec center at an Ivy League school right just a bunch of dudes like let's go in there and let's claim what's ours right that's that's not Gynecology that's just vaginal imperialism I I think women tend to be less comfortable with their bodies than men and I think a big reason for that is because the names we give for female anatomy are very ugly sounding words words like labia majora labia minora perineum for nunculus cervix clitoris fun facts one of the things I just said was a Harry Potter spell I'm not telling you which one the reason I know I and stuff is that my mother was uh she studied biology so my brother and I were raised to always use proper anatomical terminology to never use slang terms for body parts and uh that's okay most of the time but every now and it's not very appropriate like I was with my then girlfriend one time and uh I was about to euphemism her metaphor and uh In the Heat of the Moment I use the word vulva and she had about the same reaction just like ah can't you just say vagina and I was like well no because I'm referring to the exterior Parts the vagina is actually just the canal just the internal portion the stuff on the outside that's the vulva she's like just stop saying that word and I was like no Volva Volvo Volva Volvo but listen I'm doing you a favor okay you can't just go around the rest of your life using vaginas and all-encompassing terms for everything between your legs that's it's like calling your face your throat okay okay we got about half of you with that one that's a good that's good now it's really good like here's the thing I don't I don't want to sound unappreciative you guys are a great crowd but my dream is to get to perform at an OB GYN convention yeah it closes that joke just like the loudest Applause break ever people just standing screaming throwing pap smear kits and nuba rings at the stage I I'm single right now uh not because of the vulva thing for other reasons uh and I enjoy being single but I feel like I've been single for too long and I've started to pick up a lot of weird habits because I don't have a girlfriend to just be like hey stop showing your fingernails or mason jars don't double as latrines like really simple things as you know and one of the weirder Hobbies I've picked up as a single guy is uh I like to make little clay sculptures about this big or so uh of Pokemon um and here's the weird part because that's not um they're not bad they're actually really good and if that sounds cocky just remember what I'm bragging about now here's the thing that makes that extra strange because of the way I look and am I don't really pull off quirky very well I feel like I give off one of two Impressions either dumb frat boy or charming serial killer that's it right so when you guys picture my bedroom you probably see like I don't know it's like broey kind of like protein powder and a Fight Club poster uh and they're there but now picture in addition to those a menagerie of handmade anime figurines and ta-da murder dungeon that's where I live and I uh I had a wake-up call recently where I went on a date and it went well and I lured her back to my apartment and um for walking in I realized I forgot to tell her about this so the first thing she sees is just a hundred of these little guys just lining my shelves overlooking my bed like gargoyles of self-inflicted abstinence right and for a moment I think I'm artistic she thinks I'm autistic and in the silence it follows you can hear her ovaries just go shump up into a rib cage like tubes at the bank and uh she looks at them and then she looks at me with fear in her eyes she's like oh uh you didn't tell me you collected toys and I was like no no I made those [Applause] before I was a comedian I used to be a financial analyst that was my job before this uh I got fired from that job about three years ago and it was uh it was rough it was hard because it wasn't my fault what happened was my car got broken into and my work computer got stolen and it happened the same week that I've been a terrible employee for three years so they uh then let me go I was fortunate at the time I had some money saved up which like as a comedian you're supposed to talk about being broke and uh I'm not like I don't I don't make a lot of money it's not so douchey I don't make a lot of money but I don't spend a lot because like my favorite thing to do with money is just to have money you know what I mean because people are like hey what would you do with a million dollars I'm like I'd keep it and just like ah all right and they're like no no but for fun I'm like yeah for fun with a million dollars I would log on to wellsfargo.com take a screenshot of my account balance and then put it as my cover photo on Facebook right only one person liked it I did I'm at the point now where the most offensive part of rap music to me is their fiscal irresponsibility I recently those listening rapper brag about spending ten thousand dollars on a grill it's like yeah you know you need to invest no no precious metals actually depreciate in value when you weld them to your skull uh are you doing anything with your money anything at all just oh oh putting money in penny stocks yeah that's great oh oh penny stocks is a stripper no that doesn't count I'm not a woman um I will never know the Joy or pain associated with childbirth but I wish I could try it one time because I feel like I can make it funny you gotta hear me I just you got to picture me as a woman in the delivery room just sitting there screaming twas y'all ain't and my husband like doctor what's happening to my wife like don't worry she's just having contractions hey thank you guys so much appreciate you coming out [Music] [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen Matthew Broussard all right everybody

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 101,499

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Id: zDeQ8yqWIaw

Length: 20min 57sec (1257 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 05 2023