Phil Hanley: OOH LA LA | Full Special

[Applause] what's my hesitation to have kids great question I would say they said I have a nephew and I love my nephew so much that I'm hesitant that I may have kids and then they won't measure up to Marty and uh yeah I said that to my ex-girlfriend she goes that's ridiculous she goes that's like never getting married because you're afraid you meet someone better and I'm like I'm glad you understand I'm extremely uh dyslexic sir and um when I was a kid I was in special ed all through school my mom would do all my homework all my projects and then they still put me in special ed and came to about big and special ed and I'm glad she felt that way because technically she was in it too [Laughter] it's wild if your mom does your homework parent-teacher conferences it's like a different laughs it's a different vibe did you be like I think Phil needs to put in more effort and my mom would be like how dare you he's working full-time he's raising three kids he is he's a modern woman dyslexia stuff because you don't see it coming I had no idea you know like kindergarten went well girls very well and I arrived in the first grade and just everyone started reading I'm like yeah I'm gonna stare at the window for a decade but you guys good thing six I found out I wasn't gonna learn how to read at six that is Young to get bad news about the future six that's like pulling a kid inside and be like hey there's a good chance you're gonna be a degenerate Gambler he's like what are the odds did you two hear that one oh God okay yeah it was kind of a perfect joke and I looked over and it was like staring at the painting American Gothic so I love to just yeah if you guys could just step it up while I pursue my dream um third grade [Laughter] the teacher was old and she learned to teach before just like she was invented so she didn't think it was a thing she thought it was something that people made up to get attention like a gluten allergy she'd make the whole class read and then it would be my turn and I'd be like I can't read it's the same situation is yesterday he sounded out even as a kid I'm like yeah that's just reading you know like [Laughter] oh incentive YouTube to tell a dyslexic child to sound it out would be like if someone pulled you side and was like Hey I can't eat this I'm death allergic to peanuts and you're like chew slowly one time so this is gonna break your heart there's no way you can handle this one time I was so I'm trying to read I'm in third grade I'm sputtering on the syllables I can't read she stops the whole class she's like Philip if you can't read and you can't write how are you going to pay your bills when you're an adult yeah and I wish I knew then what I know now because I'd just be like talking about you [Applause] [Music] in the eighth grade I'm gonna go through all the grades in the eighth grade in the eighth grade they tested my reading and then they come back and they're like you're reading at a first grade level and I have no idea why they needed to be so specific and so cruel I don't feel like they do that in other situations in life you know like if you're a grown man and you go to get a physical the doctor's never like hey you're in perfect health but by the way you have the penis of a nine-year-old so I just noticed you I just noticed your hat yeah freezing in here um are you with your girlfriend friend just fans I know it's probably the hat right how did I cope with dyslexia in high school great question um I took a lot of acid I took more acid than everyone in this room combined and I'm not just saying that because I am not getting a cold vibe from you guys the greatest thinkers of all time took acid Our Savior Jerry Garcia [Applause] Steve Jobs [Laughter] myself and um there's a little side note one time I was high on acid and uh I just came up with this idea just came to me for the 64 gig uh iPod it just it it just came it was like I was God's vessel it's just like laughs it's about a decade after it had been invented but people always like can you imagine what the world would be like let's Steve Jobs I'm like we'd be fine all right the second greatest idea that I ever had on LSD I was at my parents place my friends and I were there were partying I was high on acid and I came up with this idea just came to me I was like we should party in my mom's bathing suits [Laughter] be kind hilarious I thought it would be surreal and I was correct my friends went first we were teenagers but they already had man bodies right so when they put the bathing suit on like the party just like elevated picture the show RuPaul's Drag Race only the cast the dudes that storm the capital yeah [Applause] we were taking back my parents kitchen and thank you then it was my turn and I realized I'm like oh this is a huge disaster because I was very thin and I was very insecure about being thin like one time I said to my mom like Ma I'm skinny I hate it she goes skinny dear no you're elegant Hepburn you really are so I put my mom's bathing suit on and the party just stopped like my friends just dropped there is no worse feeling in life than trying to be hilarious and it turns out you're just incredibly sexy [Laughter] uh what I always liked it does anyone here teach special ed no no okay just just the one dude that's in it all right uh laughs okay I thought I recognized you um is there anyone here that's a regular teacher oh over there what do you have against kids with disabilities what do you teach sociology oh to children to what to undergrads okay so technically it could be children right if you're like to high school students no to NYU students oh okay well I don't know an undergrad I I just talked about how I can't read but so before they go to college you teach them okay you know what I'm gonna film another special in a few years so don't feel guilty about what you've done but that's good though teaching rich kids that's great um foreign teachers they do what you do only not as as an elitist they uh what about is anyone just like a regular teacher here yeah oh right perfect I was looking at you I was like you look so nice and I could see what do you teach a librarian okay of course you shouldn't have put your hand up what's that you do teach you don't teach people like me I can't read lady all right I made that no I'm just kidding I was just kidding that's for the special that's gonna be killer uh [Laughter] I'm gonna see me tee off on a librarian that's just now a lot of people [Applause] a lot of people here have learning disabilities some people you know wear it on their head but uh I owe you big time uh you know of course a librarian so but sometimes do you have kids with learning disabilities and and you help them you give them audiobooks oh yeah okay let's just focus on it's my night um but that's incredible because before people weren't very sensitive to all right but now they're okay cool all right feels like we're flirting obviously I always stop my show I always salute special ed teachers because it's just such a noble occupation and I feel like no one knows how complicated it is like there's only six kids in the class that's five different learning disabilities right and then there's always just like someone that should be incarcerated thank you there was this kid in my class his name is Russell Foote and we were in the seventh grade he was like I don't know like early 30s [Laughter] and he was that to this day I will be with the woman and uh intimate laughs you'd relate to this more if you didn't whatever all right [Laughter] I'll be with a woman and she will stop me and she'll be like whoa where did you learn that and I have to be honest to be like special ed foreign like you in my life till tonight and I had a terrible schooling experience yet I still feel like teachers should be paid more right oh okay all right a couple Democrats uh I feel like they should be paid more and then sleep with their students less I really Jesus Christ that's an epidemic Lady it's not funny that's uh epidemic teachers hooking up with high school students I saw a whole documentary about it on PornHub I never saw that sir you see that in school teachers hook it up with students never okay we're gonna switch you guys out in a second how about you sir if anyone had sex with a teacher I swear to God if you see like close really you did you kiss a teacher no no zoom in [Applause] what were the signs this is fascinating sir did you give me like edits of my paper she'd sit on my desk like ass on the desk will you relax I got this all right all right first off edits on your paper I don't know if that's oh the way she sat really no no really it was she wearing like a skirt yeah jeans oh Jesus I'm getting hard [Applause] are you guys so judgy by the way psychology teacher we're gonna have to read into this whole thing [Music] go really whoa did the other person that look like you did he man up I mean did he uh did anyone have sex with her no we were 14 we didn't know anything when I was 14 man no I didn't I that's wild to me it blows my mind I never saw that of course I was in special ed and they they never bang the special ed students saying sad we want to be treated like everyone else you know [Applause] yeah hat did you your teacher what about you sir did you go to college oh cool what did you study entrepreneurship wow you say that weird uh oh you're from Italy okay don't make excuses um well that's great then you went to school in Italy no oh in America yeah okay you're welcome I'm from Canada uh uh did I mention I feel like it's obvious I'm Canadian I kind of walk around like I've had free healthcare my whole life right I guess I got not worried about getting a cold for example um does that translate Italy I lived in Italy well first off we're not on our first date well I didn't I couldn't go to college sir you know I can't read I became a model I was a model and uh you mean guy do she's laughing that I'm a model by the way he didn't his teacher okay [Applause] I was a model sir and uh people don't believe me that's fine but there was a fashion trend it was a long time ago it was called heroin Chic and uh I remember hearing about it when I was a kid they're like we want guys to look like they do drugs and I'm like look like you do drugs I'm gonna do you one better it's hard to say remodel I said that to my gay friend it goes as harder to tell people you're gay I don't think so I feel like sometimes you tell people you're gay and they're just like yeah I knew it you know that never happens when I tell him I was a model foreign people always want to just see pictures to prove it you know it doesn't happen when you tell them you're gay [Applause] you're never like Dad I'm gay he's like son I need to see some pics [Applause] so I was the model yet I did big jobs like I did fashion shows for Armani and if you do fashion show for Armani and none of you ever will this wild it's intimidating he is there Georgia I call him Giorgio and he was super intimidating and then he had all these assistants and they were really intimidating too because they're like these like really cool Suave Italian gay guys they were like picture a gay mobster that was the vibe they were like game and they kind of had gay mob nicknames too like Giuseppe the bottom and Giuseppe the top what was my first outfit in a fashion show great question Italian brother uh gray suit mesh tank top [Applause] Armani's like putting this on and look confident I'm like just you can only pick one [Laughter] I'm Canadian we're gonna mesh people you know we're modest people I don't think there's a word for mesh in Canada Loosely translated you call it hockey nut [Applause] so I was a model for like four years I didn't tell anyone in my hometown I didn't tell anyone how they found out was there's a gay magazine in Canada they did a little profile on me and in it referred to me as a tasty twink everybody side but I was impressed my friends they weren't homophobic they didn't question how flavorful I may be they were just like you were a model what's it like hooking up with female models and after four years I gotta admit I was so curious Milan you've been looking at me since [Applause] my ex uh my ex-girlfriend she was Indian probably still is and the whole time the whole time we were together people would find out she's Indian and they'd say to me they'd be like Native American or from India first off rude secondly I will look into that she broke up with me in a text yes that is cruel to do to anyone but particularly too dyslexic the reason we broke up great question we her mom didn't approve of me because I didn't go to college which is frustrating because I feel like if the mom got to know me she'd realize that is the least of my problems I think sir mass spec the mom might not have liked me just because I'm white which is ridiculous because like what have we done to anybody [Laughter] who's an Indian guy in the crowd the other night and he told me that if I made 50 more money than my ex then the mom would approve of me but I feel like if I made 50 more money than I actually probably just date someone else yeah [Laughter] this is the heartbreaking part we had uh a dog and in the breakup she got the dog yeah we had a golden retriever and you guys know me I don't see race but I think we all know that's a white dog so I wanted a dog my whole life my whole dyslexic life and a learning disability I'd ask my parents for Pat and they would always say well what we do when we travel right then we never went anywhere the whole time my friend's like were you lonely headed dog I'm like no I was busy preparing for this voyage last time I'm home my mom out of the blue she goes dear we should have gotten your dog they start brainstorming ways you could have been a better person foreign [Laughter] [Applause] just a side note I get so uncomfortable talking about race um because I am from Canada and we don't have racism there we decided not to I know I know you guys kind of went the other direction on that part of the reason we don't have racism is uh climate right it's a climate situation Canada is cold right the KKK they were sheets you couldn't do that you can't wear a sheet in like Winnipeg you freeze your ass off you die you'd have to wear blankets it's impossible to hate anyone when you're cozy [Applause] you know who hates that joke Canadians they're like we have racism I'm like it's a weird thing to be defensive about but yeah all right sure do you live with your girlfriend is that your girlfriend my sister your sister okay whoa whoa whoa okay are you I thought his sister was his girlfriend okay that could end a lot of Comedy careers I got it [Laughter] how long have you been hooking up with your sister thank you [Music] before my Indian ex-girlfriend um I lived with a woman I think we all know that living with someone is the best right I mean it's right up there just under living by yourself she was a psychotherapist uh both things separately thank you [Laughter] what a noble occupation she would just like help people with their problems all day then she'd come home and kind of do the opposite and I'm not saying if you're a chef you should be expected to come home and then prepare it like a nine course meal but this was a situation where the chef would like come home right then murder the family [Music] [Laughter] she was really new AG like into all this like new age stuff do you know what I mean sir by new agey like aromatherapy and crystals horoscopes right like white women sorcery and foreign like one time after we were intimate she goes that's the type of sex we had in a past life and I'm like okay did you make it weird back then too have you been ruining this forever so she was a regular therapist and then she went to school to be a sex therapist now when you tell people that someone is a sex therapist people always assume that that person is really good in bed which is the equivalent to hearing High School gym teacher and thinking incredible athletes the first day is sex therapy school right they watched porn ography in school she came home and she told me that they watched porn in school and for the first time in my dyslexic life I felt so scholarly wow I've been homeschooling myself for years [Music] they watched something called ethical porn which is a real that's a real genre of porn it's the whole thing is that it's supposed to be very PC like super politically correct like for example they'd never be like who's your daddy they're like who is your non-gender specific role model and it's like it's hot ethical porn is written and produced by women so it's chatty hahaha there's sub plots and character development which I really like because I'm like a romantic guy and I like the idea of like a woman in saying abandoned warehouse just gradually getting to know 12 guys like to me [Laughter] fashion okay I'm also from Canada are you really yeah okay oh all right where in Canada are you from Vancouver that's where I'm from you are yeah well I thought it was a bit of a name around town uh yes [Laughter] but you live in America now yeah oh cool it's hard for Canadians to immigrate here right no no okay good so weird I was talking about my ex-girlfriend and you are reminding me of her do you have your green card oh okay yeah it's pretty easy when you do when you're illegal all right cool again I was kidding okay cool well I'll you know what I'll just read your LinkedIn Let's uh but I want to thank you I'm just kidding thank you for coming to the show okay oh cool your friends are the videographer okay cool well this is the last time he's gonna work in this city again yeah foreign [Applause] oh good okay well maybe a little bit but uh I see why you're fashion you're very stylish okay cool all right it would help me to get back into the ACT if I could have the last word all right so uh [Applause] but thank you you've been honestly I've been watching you very this is what I would say and please don't respond [Applause] very stylish great audience member yeah [Applause] yeah now let's move on all right let's let's really do this all right let's get out of here let's grab our sisters and get the out of here [Applause] but this is what this is what happens right if I I meet a woman I'll be enthusiastic I'll tell my friends immediately they're like what's your Instagram I want to check her out that is so creepy you know what I mean you couldn't do that 20 years ago you'd be like what's your address I want to go look in her windows [Laughter] study it was a scientific study and I read it and it took a long time [Laughter] the study said unstable women were better in bed a team of scientists conducted the study that I had been working on my whole adult life I find those results it's disheartening because there's an expression right it's lady in the streets freaking the sheets now I've never experienced that I have experienced freaking the sheets causing a huge scene in the streets foreign men are better in bed this study said scientific study what men are better in bed dyslexics bouchi said it he went on he's like he's like but we'll work that ass [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign as we started dating she was going through a divorce oh it's correct I was like moving into a house that's on fire and then I was stuck you can't break up with someone while they're going through divorce you know what I mean she comes home from court she's like what my life could not get worse I'm like giving a second babe thank you the first time uh we were intimate right when the sex process starts she goes you better not finish quickly I thought okay thank you for the pep talk I was so taken back I would never tell a woman when to have an orgasm ever there's been a few times during sex I've thought to myself chop chop laughs she she was a little bit older and uh once like just out of the blue she said to me she goes uh women my age do not perform oral sex it's a documentary about that on PornHub [Laughter] I dated a woman and she had pierced nipples and uh that's how I got used to those weird metal straws foreign sir that is the challenge for a dyslexic man for me to send a sex I gotta type it on my phone it takes a long time I gotta take a screenshot I gotta get proofread by mother [Laughter] I had a woman send me a sex all I said was it just said I just got lasered down there and I was kind of turned on which is weird because I'm not even a big sci-fi guy [Laughter] I was dating a woman she was a strong feminist and when we would sext obviously I wanted to turn her on but I also wanted her to know that I was an ally like one time she Sexes me and she's like how are you gonna me I'm like like you deserve an equal wage [Laughter] when she sent me a topless photo and then she followed up and asked me if I'd masturbated to it to a still photo [Laughter] what am I a World War II GI ant [Applause] I feel like that is the skill we have lost over the generations oh sure back in the day you could get a topless photo and skedaddle Yonder and pleasure yourself for a fortnight [Laughter] now I gotta top this photo I was like what am I supposed to do hang this in a museum what I'd say the craziest statistic sir great question the craziest statistic I heard about the pandemic was apparently at the beginning masturbation went up 150 percent at my place [Laughter] I woke up one day at the beginning of the pandemic with what appeared to be herpes [Laughter] make fun of herpes based on the vibe change right there and sensing that most of you have it but what I will say is I have OCD so this situation was like yeah I freaked the out I basically left my place and ran to the clinic and on my way there I decided I'd rather have covid than herpes and I know you can die from covert but if you have herpes can you really live like that moment when you're with a woman for the first time and you go to get a condom a magnum and she's like don't worry about it I'm on the pill you'd have to be like okay I won't worry about it but you should be yourself [Laughter] I get to the clinic doctor puts me in the little room I pull my pants down he starts examining me thoroughly and I am so uncomfortable because I don't take compliments well [Laughter] the phrase [Laughter] he's down there for a while and then he pops up and goes your doctor will be in a minute who the was that man then the actual Dr Sanchez in oh sloppy seconds MD [Laughter] he starts tooling around down there I have OCD I'm freaking out instead of comforting me he starts throwing around like Dr jargon like nice piece finally he's like uh he goes I don't think it's herpes let's leave it and hope it goes away described hope unacceptable in any profession if you like work at a restaurant the customer's like oh the chicken the dude can't be like yeah fingers crossed let's really so I left up took the healing process upon myself I went I got every ointment and cream put it on situation got about I don't know 95 worse I had to go to the hospital during the pandemic I get there this time it's a female nurse she's very attractive she puts me in the little room I pull my pants down she takes her wedding ring off [Laughter] she goes you have a yeast infection and then correct yourself quickly goes oh I'm mad it's called jock itch which that's what it was in him I'm fine but uh I was so taken back to me that seems offensive it seems really sexist that a man and a woman can have the same problem and on a woman it's called a yeast infection they took the two nastiest words in the English language they push them together they imply she had sex with a sandwich and then men they're like jock itch I feel like that dude's got jock itch I'd be like wow he must be in great shape [Laughter] appreciate you guys coming to the show [Applause] librarian hypothermia uh I love you it means so much when people come to comedy shows it means so much to me my sweet parents my dear parents have only ever seen me perform once which that makes them sound unsupportive they're very supportive but to my brother because he's a lawyer [Laughter] they saw me perform once it was at the Comedy Cellar and I was like really nervous to perform in front of my parents and then right before I went on stage all of a sudden Dave Chappelle walked into the club [Laughter] when Dave Chappelle walks into a comedy club people lose their minds they cheer they high five opposed to when I walk into the club people play it cool it's like a respect thing so Chappelle walks in and he decides that he wants to go on immediately right so that means that I have to follow Dave Chappelle maybe the most famous comedian on the planet in front of my parents I was sourced and thinking I hope someday my brother's got to follow Judge Judy Chappelle goes on stage he's so confident he's so chilled he sits down he smokes he's killing the crowd with secondhand smoke he's up there for an hour he does a full hour then he stops and he says to the crowd and I promise you this is exactly what happens he stands up with the stool and he goes I should take all you guys back to my hotel and have a party yeah he said that then he did that he walks out and all you guys follow him out past me I'm sitting there I'm like all right well I guess you know there's gonna be no shovel and the manager guys to me goes no no there's two people left in the crowd and they want to see the rest of the show and you know who those two people were not my parents they went to Chappelle's party it was a dude and his sister foreign [Applause] no it was my parents and they were sitting right in the front and you can perform in front of two people I've done it but you got a riff you got to do crowd work [Laughter] you crowd work with my parents I can't sit there and be like do you guys got kids they're like yeah one he's a lawyer thank you guys so much [Applause] [Music] again the dressing rooms are gray become all strong and it ain't too long for the make you feel a man again [Music] thank you makes you wonder where you are if you want some more she's fast asleep oh your grandson there's nothing I can say you have to learn just like me and that's the hardest way [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you

Channel: Phil Hanley

Views: 412,694

Keywords: Phil Hanley, Comedy, Comedy Special, full comedy special, funny, stand up, standup, ooh la la, ooh lala, stand up comedy, jokes, Phil hanley comedy special, Phil Hanley Comedy, comedian, full special, Joke, Phil Hanley ooh la la

Id: FzJ245Q4mGk

Length: 44min 28sec (2668 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 20 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Friedrfn]

I watched this last night and enjoyed it! I am glad that he was on We Might Be Drunk so I knew to watch it when the algorithm put it in front of me.

[u/GoodGuyGinger]

One of my fav comics! Great joke writer, looking forward to this one.

[u/cryptograffiti]

Great special!

[u/WatchMeFall10Stories]

Very funny