Jimmy Carr's Valentines Roast | Jimmy Carr

this is my favorite thing that I've ever written in a card no one wants to die alone tied up in a shed having been tortured for days so be my Valentine anonymity is key to the success of that Valentine's is easy all you need to do is get a card with a couple of hearts on it and go for the traditional message I tend to go for the you know the really old-fashioned sentiment I love you there I said it now will you please let me do up the bum that's start a conversation great Valentine's is weird isn't it because it's the one day of the year where you get Anonymous mail from a stranger saying I'd like to [ __ ] you and you go a any other day that's stalking and I found that out the hard way you guys are a couple right how long have you been together a year and a bit okay so long-term relationship year and a bit you've been together how annoyed would you be Madam on a scale between one and [ __ ] very if next Valentine's he said to you uh yeah I booked a restaurant yeah yeah I spoke to the matred yeah Ronald I think his name was he was either the matri or a five-star general cuz he had the whole bit I've organized a table for to and he recommends the filio fish are there any couples in this evening give us a shout out to the couples oh lots of couples in tonight this a bit silly I think uh but for Valentine's I got my girlfriend sex vouches as a present I didn't realize they were transferable turns out they accept them at her [Music] work you get to the stage in a long-term relationship where you want to experiment sexually but you know it can be awkward and and what if she finds out I'm 10 years into a relationship now anyone beat that anyone longer than 10 years what's the longest we go in the room 1 13 26 26 anyone more than 26 28 more than 28 how how long sorry you you've been you've been together for 43 years I think come on 43 years now I obviously I don't know what it's like after 43 years I think that's an extraordinary commitment especially in this day and age that is quite something but I don't know if it's the same for you because I've only been together with my girl for 10 years but things have got quite predictable in the bedroom now when I lower my entire ball bag into her mouth she is pretty much guaranteed to wake up same oh you couldn't see that he just went yeah same you look worried on their behalf they've be married 43 years don't panic they've tried everything what's your relationship with them what how do you know them my M and Dad that's your mom and dad that's nice well I hope the image of your dad teabagging your mom hasn't I hope I for one I don't know about looking your parents in the eyes again I don't think you'll be able to drink tea hi 80% of personal ads say good sense of humor required and the reason 80% of personal ads say good sense of humor required is because everything else in the personal ad is a lie you turn up on the blind date she says I know I said I was petite and pretty but you've got to [Applause] laugh you think yeah I noticed it also says you enjoy long walks which is handy because you can [ __ ] right [Applause] off there's quite a lot of couples in I can see lots of couples around the place have you all had the sexual history conversation not all of you clearly the sexual history conversation happens about 3 4 5 months into a relationship and the the woman says to the man I'd like to know about your sexual history and the man thinks well you [ __ ] [Music] wouldn't but the woman doesn't just ask once she keeps on asking until she gets a result yeah I had this recently I was cornered I had to have the sexual history conversation I had to list every woman I'd ever been with from the girl I lost my virginity to right the way up to her and that is where I should have stopped [Applause] are you all familiar with the Spider-Man yes the sexual practice don't panic I'll explain the Spider-Man is a sexual practice whereby you're making love to a woman from behind that's key to this operation you're just about to arrive you've got your happy face on you look like a turtle [ __ ] [Music] you pull out to catch [Applause] Spider-Man I realize many of you are looking at me thinking well why did he tell us that that sounds horrible sounds very aggressive not very romantic and loving but the reason I'm telling you is because men are such bad communicators especially at times of high emotion like a breakup so gentlemen I don't think you ever need to have that awkward it's not me it's you conversation again I think next time when you think the relationship has run its course simp Spider-Man she will either think that was brilliant in which case she's a keeper or this is over isn't it so I was going to give you some advice about relationships and you know that sort of thing I thought we might talk to the single men first who are the single men give us a [Music] shout said the single man yeah that's probably why you're single okay if you're on a date with a woman do tell her you've got feelings for her don't tell her it's an erection do walk her home don't follow her home do surprise her don't wear a balac clava do offer to pay for dinner don't offer to pay for anything else unless it's Tracy in which case a bag of chips will'll get you [Applause] late hey Tracy [Music] it's a good indicator that a woman fancies you if when you're talking to her she touches her hair if it's her pubic hair it's a CT women like the strong silent type that's because when we're quiet they think we're listening what are you like ladies can be a bit depressing being a single man can be can be a bit of a ball L I've got an inspirational story this will cheer you up concerns my friend Emily she's beautiful she's intelligent and she's funny she's a triple threat she's on a date with a guy about two months ago they're having dinner across from each other main course arrives lasagna as it happens okay he leans across to her plate takes a massive bit of a lasagna eats it without saying anything does it again like 30 seconds later another massive bit eats it off her plate does it for the third time boom all she said was what are you doing he came back with this he said I'm paying for it aren't I I know the reason I think that's an inspirational story she she still [ __ ] him I can't believe he's luck he got laid and had half a lasagna is anyone actually on a date this evening I can see a few people I think might be on dates but I I don't want to kind of embarrass you because dates are anxious enough anyway they're fraught with anxiety aren't they being on a date because you don't know when you're going to move in for the kiss you don't know how it's going to end up later on they're just they're weird and awkward so I'd like to break the ice for you if I'm I'll break the ice for you yeah why not suggest [ __ ] in the disabled toilets that's what they're for that's why they've got that handrail for more exotic positioning well let's talk about love and romance and sex Let's Talk About Sex glasgo there's a very commonly held belief that men think about sex every seven seconds which I think makes talking to your dad creepy British men spend on average 22 minutes on forl of course that has spread out between all of us over the course of a year women who read romance novels have twice as much sex as the national average well I say sex what I mean is they yield the precious softness of their silken female innocence to the crushing firmness of his intent sorry I came over all Catherine Cooks in there it's not a great phrase to use that'd be like painting the fourth Bridge the average person has 2 lounds of meat lodged in their colon so come on love this is the first one that I placed I put it in the in the personals it's um incurable romantic seeks filthy Hall this one's slightly more optimistic than that it's a bit more ambitious albino he she seek similar now I've not had any responses to that as yet but as soon as I get two I'm going to set up a blind de they won't be able to believe their luck the only reason I could possibly think of to order a flaming zambuka when sober is if you meet a girl and she's something just a little bit special yeah maybe you've been out on two or three dates you've established she's beautiful she's intelligent she's funny you think you might be in love with her you think she might be the one but she's got a bit of a problem with facial hair on the top lip that can be an awkward thing to bring up much better I think take her around for a drink two flaming zambukas please no no no they're both for you let's talk about gifts cuz gifts are very important when you're in a relationship they show your partner how you feel about them this is interesting my girlfriend suggested last Christmas that we limit ourselves to 20 for each other's presents but I wasn't thinking about spending that kind of money obviously if you're buying gifts for a woman it's pretty easy just go for the classics you know champagne chocolates flowers unless you're dating an alcoholic Bic with hay fever I buy my girlfriend flowers every week cuz I really fancy the girl in the [Music] Florest I've told the girl in The Florist my girlfriend's dead I thought was a good idea at the time it's slightly backfired you try explaining to your other half why you got a wreath four weeks in a row obviously different flowers Express different emotions so for example red flowers say passion yellow flowers say love and self-raising flower says make me a cake my girlfriend said recently she said we need some romance in our lives so I took the hint I booked a hotel flowers chocolate champagne Petals on the bed the full bit ended up having incredible sex of course it turned out she wanted me to take her what's the [ __ ] point of that I live with her she'll be there when I get back put the CLE on up and [ __ ] a it I'm not saying I feel cheated but when we got together she said to me she said I'm very liberal about sex I don't care what people do as long as they're consenting adults and no one gets hurt there's always a catch isn't there no one gets hurt senting adults basically no fun any any others is it in yet so if you said to this boy here this there's a man covering his eyes now with they oh God she hasn't that's not your boyfriend I'm sure you don't limit yourself to one um but you've said to a man is it in yet you but you've said that to a you've looked a man in the eyes and gone is it in is it in yet you don't want to look down and check and you've got no feeling in your vagina whatsoever so without well hang on just make eye contact with me without looking down can you tell if there's a [ __ ] in you now what was your one my grand in hospital my Grand's in hospital you were [ __ ] someone and they said to you my Grand's in hospital oh yeah baby tell it like it is yeah I'm going to break your hips any other mundane things during sex there's the ice cream van there's the ice cream van did you start going out with him when you were quite a lot younger oh there's the ice cream van most natural thing in the world I had one the other week a guy came in with his wife they'd be married like 30 years and she had said to him and she said she said it okay she said to him during sex she said now I've got your full attention let's talk about those curtains oh have been him I would have gone curtains look fine another one that comes up a lot you're boring me which my response would be yes I am I don't know what this says about us as a nation but one that comes up all the time from audiences is uh change channels are we having sex with the television on people change Chanel I think if someone said change channels to me I think well I would know they were talking about the television but I would be very tempted to go thanks very much I don't mind if I do of course the classic is uh C needs doing hopefully not in that voice course a lot of women don't want to have sex on a first dat even if they want to have sex on a first date because they think if they have sex on a first date it makes them a slag or a slot or something well not anymore ladies you're going to have to do more than that to be a slag these days am I right Tracy I'm just saying that having sex on a first date just means you wanted to have sex on a first date that's all it means to be a slag these days you're going to have to do so much more I've got friends that are slags my friend Louise is a slack she's got five kids by seven different dads she's got a speech impediment that prevents her from saying no well I say it's a speech impediment it's actually a [ __ ] in her mouth she's such a slack the council trims her Bush I've I've got a question I've got a question for the men have you ever seen a woman so unattractive to you it makes you question your sexuality I'll explain because for me it would be like Jillian M you know the woman from how clean is your poo little weird looking creature so if you put Jan M there and Brad Pit there and you said to me your life depends on it you've got to do it with one of them you've got to make the Beast with two backs do the sticky belly what I would think right I'm a heterosexual man Jillian is a woman Jillian is oh ah Jesus give it here is that does that make me half rice half chips I was right you were right well what okay let me give you a moral dilemma what was your name I didn't get your name Al Marcus okay moral dilemma for you all right an Wham George Clooney if you had to you'd go for an whittam are you mental she's got her face like a bulldog looking the piss off a nettle and she's a hell of a size you're slip of a l she'd [ __ ] you in half and that is only where your problems begin because I imagine her peachy pouch her la la her Fufu her Wendy her special lady Garden call it what you will I bet it looks like a badger that's been hit with a shotgun I bet there are police divers that would be squeamish about going down on that I bet it looks like a bulldog eating mayonnaise I bet George Clooney's got the prettiest [ __ ] you've ever seen just spit Ro why don't you just spit roaster you're suggesting I double team and whum with George cloy now that is a celebrity sex tape that would sell they say don't masturbate you'll go blind yeah only if you get in your eyes aim away who do you think about when you masturbate huh so do I she's lovely that was a good answer you think about your partner when you masterbate I think I put my hand on my heart speak on behalf of every man in here and say what we Master but we think about you ladies we think about our partners our wives and our girlfriends yeah we think we do I do I always think of my girlfriend I think opan walk in she doesn't even know I've got these magazines do you ever do this class go do you ever get asked to do the washing up and you do it really badly on purpose so you never get asked again do you do that my girlfriend does that with [ __ ] seriously her [ __ ] suck and it's not just me a lot of my friends have commented my girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex cuz she likes to be able to read which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of her age I'm [Music] [Applause] kidding she's actually scared of the dark that divides people though doesn't it some people like the lights on some people always have to have the lights off I like the lights on during sex my best mate likes to have the lights off and fair enough his misses is a pig my girlfriend and I we do a little bit of roleplay in the bedroom I pretend to be a sthy Italian lothario and she pretends to be asleep she gets pretty into it as well sometimes she's there for seven or eight hours my girlfriend always says you never tell me how much you love me I don't want to up there a couple of weeks ago we were making love and she had what she had an Asma attack I did briefly think I was doing really rather well well then about sort of the 90c 2-minute Mark I thought hang on she's laying this on a bit fig either she wants something or she's not well and she wasn't well I totally panicked I didn't know what to do so I founded a friend of mine who's a doctor he lives just down the road for me and I said to him you know what should I do he said well don't panic could be quite serious probably isn't but I'll pop right over I said what should I do in the meantime he said finish yourself off having sex with someone at work is all right as long as you don't work in a primary school are you all aware of what snowballing is the sexual practice snowballing one who was that down there quite proud of that well done everyone else none the one okay well I'll explain say something about you snowballing is a sexual practice where having administered oral sex your partner doesn't spit or swallow so much as Return to Sender via a kiss oh you're looking shocked and appalled as I explain that to you let me you I found out the hard way someone said that the other day Marcus someone was as matcho as you the other day they went to when yeah I'm wh him just put a bag overhead really has that ever happened ladies how low would your self-esteem have to be that you would [ __ ] a guy who's just gone can I just that's better chat up line let's do some chat up lines okay obviously the best chat up line is will you hold my H while I go for a [ __ ] Steve everyone and His Brilliant chat up line if you were a soup what flavor of soup would you be I I well I think that's right up there with does this rack smell of chloroform to you and the Evergreen let's not turn this rape into a murder the problem with chat up lines is you know whether they're going to work pretty much immediately you know straight away whether the girls thinking you're a dick or bi us a drink okay so I've written some abort Mission lines for you so you could be sort of halfway through a chat up scenario and you can abort the mission if you think it's going badly right so it would work like this you would say do you want to dance she'd have a face like thunder you go can I have your seat did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven cuz it looks like you landed on your face I've never seen a more beautiful woman in my life so can you move here's 10 P ring your mom tell her be around in half hour to [ __ ] get your coat you've pulled hang on when you probably don't own a coat girls your size tend not to feel the coat and I said to my girlfriend I said on Saturday how would you like to go shopping with the girls get yourself some new shoes get your hair done in a different style and then go out for a couple of bottles of Chardon she said that sounds brilliant I said good cuz we're breaking up um any other ultimate sexual fances your girlfriend my girlfriend well maybe we could double teamer my girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy yes people see my girlfriend and they see me and they say she's only going out with you cuz you're famous and I say but I am famous what's your point is is that your girlfriend that is my girlfriend that's your girlfriend I'm not going to swap if that's [Applause] okay it's very difficult to get dirty talk right have you noticed this it's very difficult to get dirty talk right like in a long-term relationship it's fine because you know where your boundaries are you know your partner but on a one night stand fraud with danger I've got a story concerning a friend of mine he's quite good at pulling we were all at a party together and he pulled a girl that none of us knew ended up back at her place that night having sex well done him high five so he told us the story the next day he said she started it they were they were having sex she said talk dirty to me or more accurately talk Dirty to Me so from the roller deck of Filth in his head he came forth with this and this would be fine for many of the ladies here within the confines of the bedroom within the budoir this would be an okay thing to say with a long-term loving trusting partner on a one night stand maybe not he said you love it you [ __ ] she said I'm not a [ __ ] and there was a very awkward moment awkward as moments can be when you've just insulted someone your balls deepen he apologized profusely needless to say and they moved [Music] on I imagine there's a story there Madam right some sex tips let's try and be grown up about this yeah gentlemen if you're having sex with a new partner for the first time never take a run up I know where you're like you want to make a good first impression but you don't want to actually leave a dent a lot of women don't like it if you leave your socks on during sex but I always leave one on cuz I don't want to get a pregnant some women don't like to have the lights on but it can't be helped in my case because they come on automatically when I open the car door and then they stay on for 20 seconds so it is over this isn't advice this is more of a reminder and it's a reminder to men in long-term relationships C standards can slide as a relationship goes on just a reminder for the men in long-term relationships it is never acceptable never acceptable yeah to answer the phone when love making even if you hilariously pick up by saying I can't talk now I'm going into a tunnel some common myths you may have heard these they just myths they're not true the best lubricant for anal sex is not tears it's blood I bought some KY Jelly it said on the box not to be taken internally I thought why do they think it's [ __ ] going if you are going to have sex I can't stress this enough if you're going to have sex with someone that you don't know always always always ask very important let's talk about sexual health shall we uh STDs STI and the like because there's a big difference my young friend between giving a girl Goosebumps and giving her a rash now I don't know if anyone's seen any of the other TV shows that I made I make a show called distraction at the moment has anyone seen that oh just about every and one person liked it well that's good if I can entertain just one man I'll have been [ __ ] the distractions are quite good it's it's Channel Force replacement to Sex in the City just imagine the city is dundy and the sex is anal you get the idea a lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16 so I have to get them for both of us you think it's wrong I'm buying a 15-year-old girl cigarettes you think it's wrong I'm [ __ ] her I'm kidding kidding does sound like a verb for child abuse doesn't it I'm kidding are you joking or touching kids a lot of men like it when the collars and cuffs match but I wouldn't want to date a bald lady that took you a while to get apparently women like chocolate because it stimulates them in the same way of sex which I think goes some way towards explaining the popularity of the chunky Kit Kat I've never found chocolate to be an aphrodiziac the only way a chocolate bar is going to help my sexual performance is if I use it as a splint or bait I've got a friend that took me to one side recently he said what does it mean if on a first day a girl puts a cheeky finger up your bum whilst flating you I said it means there's going to be a second date wondering does anyone have this arrangement in their relationship it's becoming ever more common now for couples to have an arrangement whereby they're totally faithful to each other where they've got a clause whereby if one of them was to meet a certain celebrity they would be allowed to stray has anyone got that going on in their relationship who have you got you right I notic that you're sitting next to a lady you're going to do what when you go home she kill me she's going to kill you yes right or strap B on and [ __ ] you certainly I don't think speed camera are fair who's with me I can't see how they're if I'm driving home from this gig at 12: midnight yeah and there's kids playing in the street they're got bigger problems than me well not anymore they haven't but but let's say I'm driving home from this gig 12 midnight let's say I'm doing 40 in a 30 Zone I get flashed by one of those cameras how is it fair that my girlfriend gets three points on a license that doesn't seem fair to me she's already got 12 points she's going to have to go to jail my girlfriend used to get annoyed with me because I used to leave the toilet seat up so I don't do that anymore always always put it down CU this the woman that I love and I want to spend the rest of my life with it's only a little thing but little means a lot yeah of course there's no winning with her now she's annoyed cuz it's covered in Piss here's an interesting thing this is weird you can have sex in this country when you're 16 but you can't buy pornography until you're 18 that's an odd law isn't it so you can have sex when you're 16 but you're not allowed to watch other people have sex for another two years so if you're 16 you can have sex just don't look down my girlfriend said to me during sex she said did you remember to lock the front door I said yeah there's no way you're going to escape I'd like to talk about a sex act that I don't fully understand are you all familiar with the 69 yes now I like the 69 as much as the next man hoping he is a man that would be terrible I like the 69 but I don't I don't really understand it because it's an incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being but how does the 69 ever occur it only ever happens when when the the man says to the woman would you do that thing that I like and the woman goes yeah all right but only if you do that thing that I like and the man goes not a problem or while you go and the woman says no because the last time I did the thing that you liked you were a little bit sleepy afterwards you [ __ ] off to sleep you said we'll call it a 68 it's like a 69 but I owe you one I like everything about the 69 apart from The View being working class is very much like masturbation there's nothing to be ashamed of of course it's nothing to be proud of either and both give you calluses on your hands Sting the popular singer Sting's often bragging about his 8-hour night sex sessions with his wife Trudy imagine how long he'd be able to keep it up if she was a looker have you ever had this my girlfriend made me fire our cleaner because she said the cleaner was too good-look and she didn't want her in the house how mental is that she was a really good cleaner she was especially good at getting spunk out of hair my girlfriend asked me recently one of the one of the of the big questions in life she said to me do you want to have children I thought about it I thought God is there any truer expression of the love that you have for another person than to have a child with them because really that is a bond that lasts forever it's not like getting married marriages break up but having a child together you know you're going to be bonded through that child for the rest of your life and then I thought about the money I thought how expensive is it bringing up a child it's apparently the most expensive thing you can do it cost £100,000 to bring up a child up to the age of 18 it's incredible amount of money it's not like buying a house we can sell it on it doesn't appreciate that's just gone and then I thought about the Ed ation of the child would I send it to state school or private school I'm doing all right I might think about private school but I'd probably end up sending it to state school and then you know maybe I'd compromise on that become a bit of a hypocrite end up reading the Daily Mail going to parent teacher meetings becoming my dad it'd be awful and then I thought I thought more about well why am I thinking about having a child why I think about adopting a child isn't it just about the family unit and love rather than just having a little mini me running around the place and then then I thought about how much it would mean to to have my family name live on and you know what that would mean to my my nearest and dearest and then then I thought again about the relationship with my girlfriend how that would change how I'd probably end up calling her mom or something you know be would really sort of change that and would change my life and probably ruin it uh anyway I sort of weigh up all the pros and all the cons and and in the end I said no of course by then I'd come luckily all over her tits a new book's come out called better than sex with Clare rer lot of things in that [ __ ] category I'm struggling to think of anything that would make the M I woke up with an erection this morning on reflection I wish it been my own if you know the difference between a kayak and a canoe you probably don't know what it's like to have sex I bought my girlfriend a book called cheap and easy vegetarian cooking which is ideal for her because not only is she a vegetarian she's reading a book at the moment called women that love too much which which I think could have the title shortened to [ __ ] I've got an awkward question for you it's awkward whether you're here on a first day or whether you're in a long-term relationship it's a good for everyone should you spit or swallow following oral sex G well there's a fellow there that loves the taste of spunk now it's an awkward question it's very much The Cutting Edge of sexual politics I'm going to sort this out for you once and for all you'll never have to think about it again ladies and gentlemen should you spit or swallow following oral sex it doesn't matter once I've ejaculated I'm asleep you can do what you [ __ ] like you can gargle the national anthem for all I care as long as he doesn't wake me up or interfere with you calling your cab do you know what the most common crime is in Wales have a guess what guess cheap shagging well that's rather insulting isn't it and to add insult to injury you're wrong it's not sheap shagging it's actually Ram rating the second most common crime is having sex with a minor if anyone's offended just look for the other meaning you'll be fine my girlfriend said to me recently we can't have sex I've got a headache I said I'm going to be right at the other end do you want to get back to me if you get P of V JJ that's right I said V JJ what of it a couple of weeks ago I failed to perform sexually well how is that a laughing matter a couple of weeks ago I failed to perform sexually I'm not going to go into details suffice it to say I arrived early my girlfriend said don't worry that happens to a lot of guys I said right there's two things come out with that firstly who are these a lot of guys and secondly if it's happening to more than one of us don't you think it could be your fault she says there's never an excuse to raise your hand to a woman what if you got a question she says that because she's a woman she's good at doing two things at the same time if that's the case why is the threesome out the question I said to my girlfriend I said uh you shouldn't eat before you go swimming she said why I said you look fat a lot of people say modern artti is pretentious but I look at it like this boxers boxers don't have sex before a fight do you know what that is they don't fancy each other the reason I mention it is because I've got an arrangement with my girlfriend whereby if I ever get the opportunity to sleep with Kylie Mano she can [ __ ] off if you like fast-paced edgy onliners get ready to be happy I'm announcing new tour called Jimmy car laughs funny and I'll be touring all around the world come and see me if you don't like fast-paced edgy jokes then it's not for you um you know get some perspective maybe uh they're just jokes

Channel: Jimmy Carr

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Id: Zb0PYQl0s78

Length: 38min 11sec (2291 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 13 2024