Internet Troll Hall Of Fame - The Spit Take

hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit-take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and the verb to troll has come to mean just generally being a dick which is a shame because it can be a beautiful art form calling just any unattractive mean person a troll is like a parent calling their son a real renaissance man for being able to finger paint and play t-ball yeah they're just words but some words need to be reserved for actual geniuses well in this episode of the spit-take I'm introducing you to the da Vinci of [ __ ] no not the thing that parent says their son has while gazing lovingly into his dirty diaper I'm talking about people who take the art of disruptive dickish ness to ingenious Heights to a wit couple years ago CNN Headline News decided to rebrand itself as HLN the news network that gets serious about social media soon after they tried to book John Jo HN Hendrick an Edward Snowden expert you can follow at John Hendren on Twitter instead they booked famous Twitter comedian John Jo Anne Hendron who you can follow at heart so joining me now John Hendren who supports Edward Snowden John Twitter they shut down Isis account why do you think Snowden is any different according to Pataki instead of farting into the phone so as to expertly symbolize the obvious Ness of their mistake at fart patiently sat on his hands and waited to bomb the interview with gorgeous nonsense do you think Snowden's actions were worth that risk well you know to say that he couldn't harm somebody you know with what he did like he could absolutely he could have um but I think to cast him out to uh to make him invalid in society simply because he has scissors for hands I mean that's that's so strange because I mean people didn't get scared until he started sculpting shrubs into dinosaur shapes and whatnot all right when out Snowden's living in Russia only to learn that HLN is too busy being awesome at Twitter to notice when the expert guest is clearly describing the plot of a Tim Burton movie we're treating him like an animal somebody who should be quarantined and put away just because he was created on top of a mountain by Vincent Price and incomplete with cities for hands and no heart uh Edward Scissorhands is a complete hero to me but what about the choice that he made to live in a country like Russia it's such a chilling moment of being journalistically checked out hendren pushes his luck and starts just blatantly throwing out flags like a babysitter who's just realized they're a little too good at hide-and-seek we got scared when he poked a hole in a water bed with his scissor finger like that was just unreasonable of us well John I appreciate you giving us your opinion check under the bed home under the bed still not you I'm under the oh you found me [ __ ] idiot kid as a terrible babysitter just qualifying the play jeopardy on national TV takes dozens of years of dedication to learning using your final Jeopardy answer to get Alex Trebek to say the words turd Ferguson takes a 12 year old sense of humor now it shouldn't be possible for those two things to inhabit the same human bud and yet final let's see what is the love valid of turd Ferguson PS my mom nope so just doing the math that's decades of dedication to reading studying and generally knowing things for one seventeen-year-old SNL reference that's the worst conversion rate this side of 1990s arcade prized counters but for nihilism in the face of reason it's kind of hard to be in an age when Amazon will drone toilet paper to your door sometimes the best troll is simply the person willing to do the legwork the other guy won't my roommate is a does a lot of stuff so he's busy he's all wheeze all out and everything like that he walks his dog everyone smile but I've taken it upon myself to start walking his dog every once in a while and I have my own keyword for when I'm taking Meatwad on a walk in this case literally moving your legs back and forth the way we have since infancy but trust me that payoff is chicken pot pies burglars everybody in the house is being stabbed to death right now child porn child porn oh that mean we're going on a walk pretty [ __ ] up actually Bravo creepy roommate you're one engineering degree away from granting dildos the power of flight in the UK indie filmmakers wanting to release a movie have to pay the British MPA called the British Board of Film classification six thousand pounds to review it to make sure it's suitable for audiences or tippity toppity or whatever the [ __ ] they say filmmaker Charlie Line wanted to point out that this was bull and crowd-sourced the submission fee money to submit a video of actual paint drawing because while filmmakers are obliged to pay the BBFC to certify their work the BBFC are also obliged to sit through whatever we pay them to watch in cinema conditions that's why I'm kick-starting a BBFC certificate for my new film paint drying a single unbroken shot of white paint drying on a brick wall the Kickstarter managed to fund 10 hours of paint drying that the censorship board was required to watch every second of like some sort of Guantanamo torture victims meanwhile on the side of the pond where movies are awesome one brave man was learning just how much you can get away with when you're a nice dressed white guy holding a golden man even if that golden man has Tom Cruise hair and a wreath for some reason he has hair but even if that was a real Oscar you'd assume the celebratory good nature of giving away free stuff to an a-lister stop somewhere at the exclusive nightclub mark when actually it rolls right over into a betting Grand Theft Auto I love spectacle that going to be an issue this just got me a free car it's got a free car I just got a free car up next drew toothpaste the creator of the webcomic married to the sea and an occasional player of online poker if you don't regularly play poker it's worth noting that the people who do tend to take themselves pretty seriously so seriously they'll dress like that if they think that it'll help them win also this amid this gauntlet of men who idolize other men they've never seen not wearing sunglasses indoors mister toothpaste occasionally likes to pretend he's playing poker while driving mister toothpaste playing as handle I'm a dog I'm a dog I almost ran off the road I'm driving right now dealer deals board King Diamond King spade three hearts by polar bear what the driving I wish I could call 911 on you I'm a dog can anyone tell me who's winning on Interstate night dump what the [ __ ] are you really playing poker while driving exclamation point question mark question mark dealer deals board Jack Hearts Queen Hearts ace diamond I'm a dog can't see small-screen Tut's 49 you have no business driving and playing I'm a dog I have air bag if I wreck it's safe totes 49 what about the other people you might hurt or kill I'm a dog not much traffic out here it's night night dump oMG that's the general idea he tells them he's driving while beating them at poker and it makes them irrationally mad which makes it unaccountably hilarious to me I don't know if it's the fact that he's perfected the voice and logic of the sort of person who'd actually play online poker while driving or that the people he's playing speak exclusively and outraged cliches but I never get tired of I'm a dog I'm driving and made typos meant to raise 135 Queen of all 1 well I'm a dog can't look much because need to watch the road Queen of all 1 be careful desperado 60 please do I'm a dog no need to be careful I have air bag Queen of all 1 others though desperado 60 have kids out there driving don't run them over I'm a dog kids these days have air bags - it's ok I'm only going 60 but speed limit Queen a ball one dog pull over desperado 60 you are a dog dog sorry for delay I was passing someone on road Queen of all one oMG takes brass balls to turn a white supremacist March into a frat party at a clown college we stand in defense of white people all over the country but it takes balls of precious diamond to do that same thing but totally alone and armed only with years of sexless sousaphone lessons dude is humiliating an army of enraged racists while holding the hardest instrument to run away with is basically the mouse and Tom and Jerry whereas this is literally the mouse of Tom Jerry [Music] cheers little guy you bravely defied 66 million years of evolutionary conditioning to make another living things day just a little video hey guys thanks for watching like and subscribe or more likely troll me down in the comments section I think I pretty much asked for that

Channel: Cracked

Views: 803,507

Rating: 4.8395777 out of 5

Keywords: Trolls, internet Trolls, The internet, @fart, Cnn, funny, spoof, humor, satire, cracked, cracked.com, the spit take, hall of fame

Id: JG0OtvloiOw

Length: 9min 38sec (578 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 26 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/jeepwillikers]

Oh, Jack used to work at Cracked?

[u/vHAL_9000]

Man, I used to love that series