Getting Pushed Off After Sex - Whitney Cummings

thank you guys so much for coming out tonight man it's so good to be doing stand-up again I took like a couple years off I was making a television show you didn't [ __ ] watch it you did not watch it no you didn't consider you had watched it I wouldn't [ __ ] be here right now no I'm I would be here this is my favorite thing to do in the world it's so good to be back doing stand-up the last couple years were kind of interesting I think the most intense thing that happened to me was I went there really painful breakup but uh I'm glad it happened because I actually learned a lot I feel like you know what I figured out why couples break up I think it's this I think couples break up because we're all operating under different definitions of the word love if you think about it we say this word to each other and I think it just makes us raise expectations you know I feel like if we were all to just agree on a universal definition of the word love we'd stop disappointing each other so much you know so to me my definition of love is being willing to die for someone that you yourself want to kill I also think in this culture we expressed love in a very twisted way in this culture we show love by giving each other presents jewelry and trips and stuff and to me that's not what loves about that's too easy you know for me love is about the way you treat a person on a daily basis when no one else is around little things you know like if you love me for example the second sex is over if I was on top don't push me off you as quickly as possible if you love me you will let me dismount with a little [ __ ] dignity you will let me this now like the swan that I am thank you sir or if you were on top by some [ __ ] miracle don't use my body as a pushing off points when you get up don't don't push off my face to go check your phone it's about respect love to me is about respect little things you know if you love me and we're taking a shower together don't pee why is that so confusing don't don't make me stand in your piss like a [ __ ] [ __ ] love is just like don't be stupid you know little things like if you love me let me wake up before you start having sex with me can I can I get some gum can you just give me a set this isn't prison I'm gonna say yes have a little faith in yourself you know love makes you think about doing things you never thought you'd do before you know like getting married this last relationship I thought I was gonna get married for me I never thought I was gonna get married cuz I've all this divorce in my family you know but I also think when you get older as a woman marriage just becomes a little more appealing because marriage is set up for girls as an offeror that you just cannot refuse you know if someone came up to me on the street randomly and marriage is an institution did not exist and some was just like excuse me man hi I'm would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring and a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you whatever the [ __ ] you want and then you get to move into somebody else's house and get on their health insurance plan and then if they cheat on you you get half their [ __ ] no questions asked would you be interested in that yeah man yeah yeah how do I get all that [ __ ] well you just have to have sex with the same man for the rest of your life oh you know what [ __ ] it I have time all p.m. let's do this [ __ ] where do I sign up it's not that we love you we just want shits okay so same thing with sex like we don't always have sex with you guys because we like want that dick No No okay half the time I have sex with a guy it's because it burns calories I'm gonna go god i had that lasagna today I don't have time to go to the gym so should probably just book this guy but I really go for it you know I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights I get in there and this last relationship I was going so insane then I started doing research to try to figure out what goes on chemically in your brain when you're in love and I read this book called the female brain has anyone read this book whoa one dude all right what you got going on over here considering the fact that you're with a dude why would you need that book I respect that you just wanted to get a head start just kind of figure it out so you're just here alone I respect that you're not going home alone that's for sure that looks amazing right this book is all about the way women's brains are wired and essentially it said that we have like millions of more emotions and hormones and like synapses that connect the two basically it's a miracle that we're not crying all the [ __ ] time which is a bummer because I feel like guys hate that you know that guys are that you know I feel like guys hate that women are so emotional and sensitive right you guys think women are crazy right yes okay all right you think this is fun for me you think I would ever choose this for myself you think I enjoy crying every time Adele is on the radio that's embarrassing okay you think I enjoy googling your ex-girlfriend three hours a day do you think I have that kind of time you think I enjoy trying to guess every one of your security question answers like [ __ ] what street did he grow up on it's weird cuz that's all I hear from guys is that women are crazy women are so crazy but I have tons of girlfriends and I hang out my girlfriends alone all the time and when guys aren't around women are super cool rational logical but then they start dating some dude and they lose their mind women are not crazy you guys [ __ ] make us that way I'm just saying take your passwords off your [ __ ] phones you you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 7,934,608

Keywords: Whitney Cummings, sex, relationships, dating, Whitney Cummings I Love You, getting pushed, pushed, Whitney Cummings comedian, Whitney Cummings stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, breakup, breaking up, couples, disappointment, love, showing love, on top, dignity, respect, shower, pee, marriage, emotions, I Love You, crazy, working out, Whitney show, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: F5hA5vuQ9AM

Length: 7min 50sec (470 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 07 2019