How to Improve Your Nude Pics - Molly Austin - Stand-Up Featuring

I started sending nudes for the first time this year for the first time in my life thank you so much don't let the stroll neck fool you okay yeah I I did yeah I am I'm sending it out I'm firemen mom you know what I mean yeah yeah I'm good at it too I thank you thank you so much yeah I for a long time I didn't because I felt like I was above it I'm not no I'm not at all you know and my nudes are great because I took a photography class in college right so I'm giving you depth I'm giving you foreground background I'm color blocking you understand this is art and here's a little advice for dude sending nudes pick up your [ __ ] socks if you can't put in the effort to pick your socks up I know that I'm better off with a vibrator you understand like I can see that right away and like if you're sending like a mirror nude I don't know if that's the technical term I'm new here but if you're sending a mirror nude and your counter is a mess I don't want to suck your dick I want to put the top on the toothpaste you understand like that's just a little bit of effort would go a long way it's really good advice I'm gonna be a really good stepmom someday yeah I got a stepmom vibe right love every other weekend and on the holidays yes please you know and I'll take you out I'll take you to the park I'll take you to the park you know that's it I'm taking out I'm taking out and you'll give me a little bit of attitude but I won't care cuz I'm [ __ ] your dad right it's pretty much my dating status right now it's just like a crow in the branches of an old oak tree just like waiting for your parents marriage to dissolve so I can just like swoop down and come [ __ ] your dad I got the face of a stepmom - right like I look like somebody you like we trust but not somebody you'd like yeah I've seen mirrors so it's at Molly Oh Austin you can DM me pictures of your hot dad's Noel goes okay that I mean that right and I could be your new stepmom you know at Molly Oh Austin send me pictures of your dad we can share a dad right now I probably wouldn't make it to stepmom I'd probably just be like some weird lady in your kitchen in the morning once in a while right you know it's kind of more my style I like being saying I am single I like being single I like going where I want to go I like doing what I want to do I like seeing who want to see I like having the types of sex that I like to have and there are so many different types of sex and there are these apps the can make your dreams come true like I'm personally on bubble and I crush it on bumble thank you so much I didn't crush it at first but then I figured it out I cracked the code it will is anybody else here on bumble oh just one sad lady in the balcony yeah [ __ ] right suck my tits its proximity a few idiots I'm gonna get offstage I'm gonna turn it on I'm gonna see all your dumb faces swiping left yeah whatever even if you're in a relationship you'll probably break up statistically statistically so when you have to get back out there I'll tell you how to crush it right it's a very easy process it's just step one hide your personality hide your personality get on the date and then you release it like the Game of Thrones dragons right and then after that 80% of success is showing up you know like you might not end up together forever but you can go home for the night you know there's a multi-million dollar film franchise dedicated to how a boy will [ __ ] a pie okay you're better than a pie you know and then step two is to get your friend who's very critical of your eyebrows to arrange your profile pictures and that parts a little harder a little sadder right but it's worth it like I met this one guy and he was so hot like he was so so hot like he's still hot he's not dead and we went out on this great date and we went back to his place and he took off his shirt and can everybody see me because he had these muscles yeah I know I know and I was like and in my mind I was like Molly be cool like act like you've seen it before but I hadn't not in real life you know what I mean in like movies and pictures on the rocks Instagram of course but realize no you know and then we had sex and I had so many orgasms the real kind ladies yeah that by the final orgasm I thought I was having a stroke because I've been having sex for long enough to know that it's just real tough stuff when you fellas isn't it just real tough stuff to make a lady come once let alone multiple times and I remember the final orgasm was gearing up and I was like am i dying but then no you know it's just a cool orgasm right you know good it's gotta be to contemplate death and still come like obviously not for men you come no matter what right I think you're making eye contact with an oil painting of your mother doesn't slow you down a tick but the female orgasm is so fragile right it's so fragile like I remember there was another time I was having sex cuz I get sex and I remember I was looking at the wall and and in my mind I was like oh wow this is going great and I was like hmm that eggshell or off-white and it was gone right gone it's like when you blow a kiss and you're like where's it go you know you don't know but it's not there and then in the morning we woke up and he made us coffee and then he made his bed and then he put on a suit and he went to work I said he put on a suit and he went to work you're all sitting here acting so cool like you're dating the guy with the face with these muzzles with the multiple orgasms with a suit with a tie with a job no you're not no you're not it was a Miracle on 34th Street and 34 seats my vagina you understand I was walking home like a backup singer I was in the streets I was like this I was like this I was give me points and winks and making a ton of iContact and nobody liked it but I didn't care because it was the best day of my life right it's only a walk of shame if he doesn't make you come yeah cuz that's a shame it's 2019 if a man isn't making you come he's not even putting a Google search into it you understand or he can't read and even then he could be like hey Siri how do I make a nice lady come and she'll tell you that jokes fun for me and I'll tell you guys why because the men who laugh laugh like haha yeah what a bunch of idiots you know and then the ones that don't are like am i doing it and that's for me as well as you so yeah I don't know I'm a big believer in like getting what you can get why you can get it right like I read this article where a bunch of elderly women were interviewed and they were all asked if they could go back in their life and do anything over what would they do and a lot of them said I wish I was more of a ho a lot of them said this and if you look at the STD rates in nursing homes they're through the roof okay so these are just cold hard facts so I think my point is just like do it do it while you have your knees like you use your knees so much more than you think you do right like I don't even get on top anymore if I'm not in love save my knee cartilage for marriage it's my dowry now so you know let your dad know about my knees

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,254,489

Rating: 4.752511 out of 5

Keywords: Molly Austin, Comedy Central Stand-Up Featuring, Molly Austin comedian, Molly Austin stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, nudes, photography, dating, stepmom, dad, sex, Bumble, app, orgasm, walk of shame, women, nursing home, old people, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: cPQf5XViRCQ

Length: 8min 21sec (501 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 30 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/wetpaint1971]

I like her style, I like her character, I think she’s great! Why have I never heard of her?