When Chris Distefano’s Mafioso Grandpa Fought in WWII

had anxiety though real anxiety and that will come from that I don't have to like the kind of friends and family who can have anxiety you know but I have it bad but I was born with it as soon as I came out of the womb [ __ ] hit the fan I had no yeah I just I was born with my thumbs flexed in on both hands at first the doctors thought I had no thumbs they didn't think just turned his hand over there's his thumb no they went zero to a hundred my mother thinks she has this beautiful little baby boy doctors like yeah not so fast lady your kids got no [ __ ] thumbs so we don't know what he's gonna do without the thumb he's genuinely not a human he can't he can't manipulate objects you know pens pencils crayons he can scoop [ __ ] yep it'll be good at scooping and or squeezing those are some effectivity if you've identified as strengths yeah pretty much anything else done Super Bowl parties politican queso there you go dip hand just walk around tostito scoop him yeah a real anxiety you know yeah now my my daughter know she could talk now any day she's gonna ask me daddy are monsters real I'm gonna beg probably yeah I just I don't have friends we can have anxiety like I said I can't hang out with like real like guys like you can't even get a [ __ ] could come to you with my anxiety you told me to go suck a dick that's what you tell me to do like listen why do you go blow something my god you know I don't know you would and it's hurtful like ya know all my friends cops firemen criminals they don't understand how's that gonna have anxiety they're like anxieties for the Democrats like what I don't know go as Hillary about your anxiety they do one of my friends told me one of my friends is a fireman he's got like five medals for pulling people out of fires if you knew his political views you've got just let me burn you like that I'm good I'm good sir when you go yeah go make the firehouse great again I'm good what's you know one of those tough-guy families then I'm listen um tough I'm not really to like I look tough like sometimes be like oh you're in shape I'm not if I took my shirt off right now I look like the melting candle from Beauty and the Beast just rows of tits just look like a pregnant pit ball I can hide it shoulders but I'm just soft you know good yeah good eating a lot of sweets I got a size 38 waist yeah thunder thighs yeah 38 waist 32 lengths what kind of dimensions are those I mean I feel like the Midwestern stepmom you know I go to the gap but my dupes 3832 they're like no we don't Diane okay why don't you have another [ __ ] crepe fatty pants [ __ ] hips you're eating your veal eggs like my grandpa very tough man very tough man he actually fought in World War two so did everybody's grandpa right that's like not a big deal it was just a war of all grandpas like my grandpa was in the Mafia true-blue yeah true mafia okay now that was a soft whoo she was like writing the exposé on the Mafia can I talk to you for my research yeah mafia but fort in World War two which I always thought was interesting it's like you're a criminal in the Mafia but then you gonna go fight in the war you're not good with authority like it's interesting like he was probably annoying on the battlefield anything the general said my grandpa was like yeah how about though one of you go do an Eisenhower not my [ __ ] cat probably showed up to every battle like not even wearing the uniform he's just out there unlike a wife beater with a sauce stain no no gun everyone else got an ak-47 assault rifle this guy's out there with a [ __ ] baseball bat you know just what do you need me to do what kill people that's what I don't know yeah don't worry I'll make the whole thing look like an accident all right so just who needs to go bye-bye just yeah walk up the German tanks flicking cigarettes at them United States and Mario what's your yeah now okay yeah it's like grandpa you don't have to put the bodies in the trunk of the change ok just shoot them move up the beach well let's

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,674,715

Rating: 4.9117732 out of 5

Keywords: Chris Distefano, Size 38 Waist, Chris Distefano comedian, Chris Distefano stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, anxiety, mental health, baby, daughter, monsters, men, guys, fireman, firefighter, politics, weight, tough guy, pant size, grandpa, mafia, WWII, war, World War II, criminal, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, comedy central stand up month, stand up month, mafioso

Id: ym--KYLbUjA

Length: 4min 48sec (288 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 16 2019