The Wrong Way to Get Through a Breakup - Chris Distefano

I know I have a douchebag haircut is that what it is I know I know I look like a beer pong champion date rapist personal trainer I know who I am and I apologize to the group there's nothing I can do about this right now my hair used to be worse I legit you stabbed yourself a faux hawk like a Tony Hawk skate ramp aerodynamic haircut but then I saw the Great Gatsby Leonardo DiCaprio film that over yes I will never let go leo I'll never let go if you're watching I'm not letting go mommy what have you people call me why do people call my mother all right no you know I'm happy now no I am you know happy you know you live life you know but you know you went I went through stuff Felix went through a breakup and I was tough look I completely handled this breakup like the woman I was the absolute girl every single day I just drank Pinot Grigio don't listen to Michael Buble that was my whole life my whole life Pinot Grigio and Michael Buble for three freaking months every workout I did I called it p90x because I would just drink a bottle of Pinot Grigio and then try to do p90x and just send pictures of my shitty body to my ex-girlfriends new humongous black boyfriend if I'm being honest you know when I became like uh you're like very oversensitive you know over perceptive about things like I just need to let go look I got into a fight with a kid you know I just got to a fight with a kid over something meaningless it was ridiculous I create these things in my head comes getting ice cream nine year old kid in front of me orders pistachio ice cream I'm like that's an adult flavored ice cream what else you want to suppress oh you're nine you get chocolate ice cream with Rainbow Springs or vanilla ice cream with chocolate Springs you gotta have Springs you're a kid put some sprinkles on it if I was the cashier I wouldn't even give it to him I was at pistachio let me see you divorce papers recent colonoscopy what have you been through kid that's like a fun flavor to you it's green it has nuts in it you little frickin psycho it's not fun and I remember he was with his mom and he looks like his mom he goes come on mom you know I love piss - I said piss - I'm gonna kill this kid you know like I've talked of kids like I you know I wasn't I didn't really know I was like kind of like an idiot little kid to you know just be like a little jerk you know but remember that show DuckTales there that show yeah there we go yeah DuckTales remember that make that sound like what if you were my friend and I thought you were lying right thought you were telling a tale I would make that sound and embarrass you like I remember like one of my friends came it was like we were 16 he was like guys I just lost my virginity last night I was like did you know you know you're lying he's such a lie but then you know basically life whoo-hoo to me because I have no friends anymore like yeah go stick your dick in the pinot grigio Prato bro don't do that we're not hanging out with you you know dad my dad's around that's good my dad's like you know it's old and I was a friend you know it's good it's how it's helpful you know we're both from New York you know we have these accents like I can't hide it okay one lady she that's you you got balls doing that in Boston good for you yeah good girl shut up come on now you know we got I can't hide it you know there's nothing I could ever do we got just like bad we don't pronounce the arse you know that's what I've noticed it's not New York it's New York skip the are always but my dad now like said he's getting older he's adding ours into words that don't need ours there's no our balance in this guy's life at all but he never figured out first it was no ours now it's too many I like he goes to the dock the other day I was like how was it he was like how was it told me I got full-blown diabetes I said doc scientifically what does that mean you need me to get on grill go I know bro go Google Doc kromm what am i dumb but I don't brutal doc prom and he always has the wrong word for what he's talking about like it's closed it's closed but it's a hundred percent the wrong word that means something totally different yeah the doc said the cartridge in my knee it's no good you know the cartridge in your knee you mean cartilage usually a frickin printer what are you talking about does your knee ink it's a court rigidity get out staples it's no good but don't print the name don't print doc said I gotta get on that eucalyptus machine but do eucalyptus you mean the elliptical will you work out with koala bears what are you talking about is this Australia rotary cuff to in the shoulder the rotary cuffs it clicks to the shoulder was his shoulder phone from 1968 it's rotater you guys just learned that - holy okay that's what happened there don't try to pull one over off your boss and I know you don't know it's not rotary I don't get this one no it makes them shut up my dad you know he's funny he's like he's like religious now but he's still a dirtbag it's functions kind of cool it's funny like like this example like you know we were in his car the other day and we were you know church outside let's make the sign of the Cross every time you see the church make the sign of the Cross when you see Jesus okay make the sign it across then there was this really hot girl walking by anyway that she was right in front of the car and he honked the horn and startled her he's like you see that you catch her off guard you get the tits to jiggle make the sign of the Cross don't be disrespectful but that had nice bounce you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,557,912

Keywords: Chris Distefano, Comedy Central, comedy central half hour, half hour, the half hour, Chris Distefano comedian, Chris Distefano stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, hair, haircut, leonardo dicaprio, break up, pinot grigio, work out, ice cream, pistachio, sprinkles, sprinks, kids, duck tales, lying, woo hoo, embarrass, dad, old, parents, words, wrong, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: cvoijkA75wM

Length: 7min 26sec (446 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 23 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/greatestcomedianever]

Good stuff.

[u/Vecman413]

Chrissy D is great!