Chris Distefano Isn’t Worried About His Daughter

and everybody wants to be like a part of everything you know is that like everybody's gotta like i'm a parent because i have a child that's why i'm a parent and if you don't have a if you don't have a child it's okay but you're just not a parent i'm sorry i was in one of these new brooklyn coffee shops and this guy was like you have to respect my right as a parent even though i don't have children i was like no i don't that's genuinely like the definition of having a parent is having a ch is being a being a parent is having a child and you don't have a child he's like well i have cats i'm like good for you like i like animals too but it's not the same thing okay i mean if i threw your cat off a balcony tomorrow i would get a high five from a cop just boom and maybe a summons it depends it depends if they're trying to fill a quota but it wouldn't be an issue because i know it wouldn't be an issue i know and i do like cats but most police people would be like all right it's one less cat you know it's not it's okay i mean you know they pop up they're fine but this guy was like you have to he's like the cats are my children i'm like okay you're living in one of the only times in history where you won't get killed almost immediately for saying that i mean if this was 1600 salem massachusetts and you walked into the village and you said these are my children the cats they would burn you at the stake right away i mean there would not even be a trial they'd be like strap them up light them up it's [ __ ] witchcraft and we want it out of here and the whole town would clap we would clap yep be like yeah get him out of here not like this but they would just yeah that was i didn't need you guys to clap but thank you i just felt like oh look they'll do anything i want no yeah do it i don't know trying to look again i like the new world i like it's progressive it's cool all that stuff is but it's just you know everybody wants to be in control everybody wants to plan their pregnancies now that's the new thing everyone planning their pregnancies fall against their vegetables i don't want any adversity in the womb it's like well your kid's going to be a [ __ ] okay i mean listen you can do what you want and bowl with bumpers that's your right but we're going to have to deal with your kid all right i mean i don't worry about my daughter not at all you know why she was unplanned okay you know what that means she's a survivor okay yeah [ __ ] survivor yeah the odds she beat were incredible i mean the [ __ ] she survived as an embryo we couldn't survive as fully grown adults no way 15 morning after pills my kid beat every single one yeah she was just down there like no daddy no daddy no daddy she grew arms two months ahead of schedule to swat away plan b's like to kembe mutumbo she's like no no no not today he was [ __ ] yeah she didn't care yeah we would throw him down there she would throw him back out and i was like oh you tried to kill me now i'm going to try to kill you so like not for a knife danny yeah i've told you everybody's coddled now ever did you notice that like everybody it's like oh it's okay it's cuddled like you never knew anybody with a peanut allergy before 2007. you never met a pr i went to school and said nine million people i never met anybody with a peanut analogy and i know everybody not as many people as you but i know everybody you know i know the people you know that's like now people got p i got a nephew he has a peanut allergy and he talks [ __ ] to me all the time he runs his mouth every time he comes over he runs his mouth i'm like first of all i'm your uncle okay i'll give you one of these and [ __ ] paralyze you just boom bang i'll knock out you can't maybe feel the right arm you're right on for a year you know and then i'm also like look i'm your uncle like i don't really love you you know what i'm saying like i tolerate you because yeah your mom's my sister but like i don't [ __ ] like her either to be honest with you she's a [ __ ] she flushed my figurines down the toilet in 1993 i'm looking for payback you're an easy target listen i mean yeah in an allergy you're the definition of making it look like an accident it's so easy to make it so just watch your mouth you know get through the next 12 hours we'll see we'll see what you do you know he runs his mouth always talking like i checked on him he slept at my house last week i checked on him i opened the door i was like hey buddy are you okay he's like yeah i'm fine what's your problem i was like what do you mean what's my problem what's your problem he's like oh what's my problem you're my problem i'm like no cashews are your problem okay i mean are you kidding me i haven't been able to bring an almond joy within a thousand feet here since i met you bubble boy [ __ ] [Applause] not your problem you're allergic to peanuts that's a real problem i mean all you have to do is bring the snickers in here and your life is over do you understand like just walk around with a handful of pecans just walk around i'm like clean your room no [ __ ] you you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 176,241

Rating: 4.9053388 out of 5

Keywords: Chris Distefano, Comedy Central, size 38 waist, Chris Distefano comedian, Chris Distefano stand up, Chris Distefano special, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, parent, child, children, kids, cats, animals, pets, salem, pregnancy, planned, unplanned, daughter, plan b, peanuts, peanut, allergy, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: NaggorR6gm4

Length: 5min 18sec (318 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 19 2021