Chris Distefano Funniest Podcast Moments: Chapter 2

follow the instagram [ __ ] jung yang monkey [Music] i i was with great opi from the opie anthony show and um sharad had given opie edibles in a chocolate bar right and i didn't i had never taken edibles before i'm not a drug guy i don't know opie just gives me the chocolate bar i know you're supposed to take half of a half of the square of the chocolate bar of course okay so oh i'm and i love sweets i mean i got high cola you know my collection was 250 up there yeah sweet tea so i love sweets you know so i literally oh we're on the train going to the islanders game new york islanders game and uh opie just gives me the chocolate bar and just starts looking at his phone so i didn't know you're supposed to take half of half a square i ate the entire chocolate bar just to the head sherrod smalls chocolate pop oh my god okay i forget that it even happened because ob just for alpe was like not doing the weed so opi you just gave me the chalk bar didn't even think about it i just [ __ ] crushed this thing right having a good time all of a sudden we're at the islanders game first period buzzer goes off i thought somebody threw a spear from the top of the jumbotron through my right through the right side of my head cutting off the left side of my body i pop up out of the seat i go i'm having a stroke i'm having a stroke so i'm yelling and i'm having a stroke right i forgot that i was even on edibles i'm convinced i'm having a [ __ ] stroke yeah so i go up the stairs and i'm just walking around i'm like i'm having a stroke opie i'm having a stroke he's like you're not having stroke i'm like dude i'm having a [ __ ] stroke i'm the left side of my arm it doesn't work and i'm like flinging my arm and it's not working so then i'm like i have to be so terrifying dude so i'm in a packed islanders game and this is new york city i'm a big islanders fan opie's a big islanders fan so people know who we are of course they know opie and they're like so they'll stop at copy and they're like oh they that guy's always on the show so they're talking to me and i'm trying to have these dude the actual just as luck would have it the islanders broadcast team interviewed opie and brought me on the interview oh yeah and i cursed on [ __ ] sny what'd you say i yelled [ __ ] the rangers because they were playing the raiders so they're like you know camera down see ya you know so i literally i had gotten tickets i had gotten tickets from the islanders the ticket connect was mine from the island just so they found out that i yelled [ __ ] the rangers lose the tickets i leave i leave barclay center i walk up to a police officer who's in full swat riot gear because i mean it's new york city these guys have real jobs to do this terrorist activity i woke up to him i said officer i'm going to be 100 honesty that i with right now i've ingested drugs and he goes up and he goes and he goes what do you mean he goes up i said i said i'm having a stroke and he goes and he goes okay what kind of drugs did you ingest i said i i can't tell you the type of marijuana strain that i've ingested but i haven't consumed an illegal amount of drugs i'm trying to use all these professional words dude he started laughing at me so hard i thought he was gonna shoot his gun in the air he goes kid get the [ __ ] out of here that's what he says to me like in a movie and i was like you know so he goes kid get the [ __ ] out of here so i get in a cab it's on 4th avenue and 8th street i get in a cab i'm like take me to where i live 4th avenue and 93rd street so the by the way it was so i it was freezing it was january but i had my jacket on i was so [ __ ] hot i asked this cab driver to open up all the windows this guy opened up all the windows and he was like shivering and freezing i was like guy i'm sorry i'm having a [ __ ] stroke right now i'm on drugs you got to keep these windows down and he was like i'm so cold i'm so cold i was like if you could show me a val us passport i'll put the windows up obviously he's a cab driver he said they're staying down [ __ ] get room so so vit the cab driver stopped at a light at 4th avenue and 63rd street i look at him like i'm home i open the door i open the door and he's like i thought i was on 93rd street but the six and the nine were you know reversed in my head bro i'm [ __ ] sweating it's like eight degrees out i throw my jacket like a 400 north face jacket in a public garbage can in new york city right in sunset park brooklyn i start sprinting home i don't know what the [ __ ] is happening i didn't live with my kid's mom at the time i go to my kid's mom's house it's 10 o'clock at night i ring the bell dude i ring the bell she goes what are you doing here i was like i'm having a stroke and she was like chris you're not having a stroke i said i'm having stroke i've ingested i've ingested drugs so she goes oh my god she goes all right come in so she goes you have to take a shower she knew she used to use drugs when she was a kid she's like you have to take a shower she's like daddy's head shower and drink milk i know she goes take a shower and drink if you had ecstasy and stuff yeah so i take a shower i take a shower yeah i [ __ ] start drinking this milk and then i take a shower i take a shower with my shoes and socks on so that means i got completely butt naked and i put my socks on my shoes back on i step in her shower i haven't heard this story i haven't heard it's like like a black guy who does porn exactly exactly yeah exactly how to get the grip yeah gotta get the grip so i'm totally taking a shower with my [ __ ] shoes and socks on and then it's like i'm literally it's getting bad and then out of nowhere just bang i start hysterical laughing just hysterical laughing having the [ __ ] best time and then it was going back in waves hysterical laughing terrified historical laughing terrified i slept on the floor in my at that time two-year-old daughter's room all true i sleep on the floor with her her she's got a stuffed animal piggy she [ __ ] loves this animal piggy i at some point in the night i take piggy off her bed sleeping on the floor i wake up piggy's mouth on my taint literally and i was sleeping i slept butt naked on my daughter my two-year-old daughter's bedroom i'm sleeping butt [ __ ] so think about what she has to wake up to yeah two years old her father who doesn't live in the house anymore is naked with her favorite stuffed animal eating her between my balls and [ __ ] and then i woke up you know my kid's mom like woke me up and she saw what was happening because she was the one who woke me up she was like chris get out and then and then like she used the whole thing and she was like this is why we can't be together i was going to say that when i asked you why you broke up yeah we can't be this is why you can't do it that's the worst dude dude edibles man since you've been at the successful have you been out with the theaters and all that have you taken a hot fat [ __ ] bomb yet like a hot like a real fat one like just a nice sero in front of you know 1500 plus just a real stinker because it happens man well you just take a full see it all somebody goes that's a no-no and it's just you're just eating it and you start going where you from or you start going yo you know what's weird there's nothing funnier there's nothing the only things that can make comedians belly belly belly laugh is watching another good comedian bomb and a fart joke or a fart or just not even a fart joke just an actual just a wet nasty [ __ ] rip your [ __ ] third gear fart like that guy on barstool you see that guy on barstool with the third gear fart uh-uh yeah something to look up what [ __ ] do you think the farts are get nastier in certain countries or not i think yeah well i think that's why i think we need a wall is because i think you know outside the united states those farts man that's the reason every time trump's like we need a wall i'm like yeah mexicans [ __ ] are dirty look at that and canadian asses too man don't sleep on canadian don't sleep on how disgusting canadian fart could be poutine you know what that's like that's cheese curd yeah i want to wall around all that because there's a wall around us man well why don't everybody should just get a little wall that they can bring with them and put wherever they want canada and mexico because the truth of the situation here we got a man right here doing something there's a bourbon guy right here this is the ain't never hear a fart hit third gear as the couch okay take a look gonna and they're gonna blame it somehow on white people i'm sure dude that's insane insane right wow drift huh dude i was watching that thing for an hour yesterday crying my beautiful four-year-old daughter was doing ballet and doing some of the finest moves she's ever done and get into new heights in her life and i was head buried in the phone crying laughing because of this dude's third gear fart and her mom was like this is why we can't be together her mom was just was like this is why i'm just always going to be called parents because because i was just like yo crying she thought i was crying first my kids mom thought i was crying because how beautiful my daughter nailed the pirouette i was listening to that my headphones on you know are they husband and wife yes they are so like what i was saying before is like is like you know like i'm someone and this is just where i come from where it's like i feel like i donate to go gofundmes anytime i see a homeless person i not only offer the money i offer them food and water so why am i not allowed to then yell racial slurs at non-whites in the street because ask me that because i don't know why chris chris because it's like because you [ __ ] can't i don't understand why it works you can't do nice things for people just so you can be a vocal racist but i'm giving homeless people [ __ ] full bagels toasted with butter i know dude but you kind have earned it though he's kind of guys you're missing a [ __ ] point he's clearly doing this so he can exercise his right to be a complete son of a [ __ ] yeah i can't i can't throw a mask at a nation person say put this on you coronavirus [ __ ] no you can't i gave a guy if i gave literally gave a homeless guy a dollar yeah if i gave a homeless guy a [ __ ] you're fighting you're racist you're buying a race i can't go on the subway and go up to some woman selling churros and say passport now i call ice in five seconds a week before that homeless oh it's women's history month let me tuck it back up dude first of all that is straight up how they make pink eye okay that is where it's made that pink guy the other day was [ __ ] wild and i had a big stye in my eye yeah it was from farting on my phone oh my god that [ __ ] was wet right yo my fans call me chrissy well farts do they really because my [ __ ] sound like they're in a well underwater ass crack yeah i got a deep deep deep [ __ ] man that's what it is yeah yeah i had to get a colonoscopy oh wow yeah the doctor because he i was telling him like i played some audio on my farts and i sent him pick some pictures of my shit's in the office and he was like we need to take a look and when they went in there he said take a look he said it was all good jerry nassar was it that [ __ ] gymnastics larry nassar larry he said we gotta take he said we gotta take a look and then he told me he said everything's fine but he said you know in clinical terms said i have a very deep deep rectum oh wow so he said that's what's causing the sounds of the farts it's pretty cool rectum damn near killed him that's chris farley um did he say that line recommending he killed him sounds familiar um nick's sister does uh colonoscopies oh she's a gi doctor uh no she's she's not just running freelance bro oh wow she's not called oscar's colonics oh colonics yeah that cleans your whole [ __ ] out you can pretty much just come off the street yeah yeah i mean basically the van will pull up yeah you know you ever done one of those you ever got your [ __ ] cleaned out like that no dude i'll let god do what he needs to do inside of my body right right well i'm living biblical living publicly was your dad why was he in jail all the time he was in jail because um i think he was like organized he wasn't in the mafia but it was like organized crime related stuff where i think you know racketeering collecting money-laundering mafia mafia he was like those guys like they always sitting outside on the like the on the chairs in the movies like he's not in the cafe but he's sitting down be like whoa whoa what are you here for he was connected connected so he would get scooped up and go to prison you know every other year and then my mother uh graduated from columbia my mother has a ivy league graduate woman so she and they met at a walk-a-thon um dad was a good-looking guy no he wasn't my dad's disgusting his nickname is tony balls um uh my dad's on dialysis um i swear to god my dad's his neck name was tony balls no i swear to god he would write tony black if we would like sign in at like the olive garden or something like that it'd be tony baldwin b-a-l-l-z and he would always write that and then they met at a walk-a-thon and my mom was walking in the walk-a-thon uh as a participant there was like some cancer research thing and my father was doing community service on the side of the walk-a-thon so my father was that's where they met yeah but to see like you know how do we live close enough how would we you know would this person be a loving enough person to have a child with it just seems like a safer place yeah i mean i guess in some ways you know i mean you're not sharing it with the person but like you donate i've donated my sperm and i was chosen not i don't want to be notified but like somebody's you know seriously bro yeah and the doctor what are you doing bro they the doctors told me in there they said look they said you know you because i got a doctorate degree they're like you got a doctorate degree they're like so your sperm will be women are going to take the sperm because the level of education see if children out there probably probably but i i told them like i don't want to be notified i just want to give that glue up dead beat down that glue out bro no but but my point is is like what you just said it's like when you donate your sperm like women are out there that are like you know maybe they're a lesbian couple or maybe they just don't want a man in their life but they want to procreate so that's kind of what they do they they're they she looked at my profile if if someone did pick a picture too they have everything what kind of headshot did you give them um i thought what was it what was it no i took a picture in the office dude i would only donate a little bit of sperm to him how much did you give him i gave him one load man i gave him one [ __ ] love i shot it out what a cheap date dude what did they give you point um what'd i get maybe 125 150. yeah yeah yeah cash money play cash money cuz [Laughter] bro what a [ __ ] because i'm [ __ ] they were so [ __ ] drunk and rowdy it was out of control literally count daisy theater whatever that holds 12 1500 [ __ ] sold out i'm being serious literally the this is maybe the second show i opened for arnie already was like hey you know it's count basie it's jersey like these there are animals out there you know do five minutes bring me up it'll be fine i'm not lying to you dude i i had on a i had on this purple i had on this purple button-down shirt i don't know why i had a shirt i come out they're like please welcome stage cristefano you know half the people clap whatever from the [ __ ] last row in the upper deck as soon as i take the mic out of the stand perfect somebody goes nice shirt [ __ ] same thing with me explodes and laughter already has to come they save you already comes on the god mic from the back goes give the kid a chance give him a chance he goes the shirt sucks i'll give it to him give it up to my point they let me do like three jokes they let me do like three jokes and then a woman from the front was like honey hon like i could hear her she didn't even nobody hurt she was like honey bring up artie you did your thing man you just you know and now and now look and it's a beautiful thing because now it's like you have an opportunity to like be out here for like long format stuff people get to know you that feel like they're a part of your family yeah and then they come out to the shows man and you'll never lose them you'll never lose the fans i get to have people like you on that i think are funny dude you could do something [ __ ] up tomorrow and maybe you'll lose ads on the podcast yeah but you ain't gonna you ain't gonna lose your fans what do you think i would do that'd be [ __ ] up an honest crime you could see me doing let me take the hat honest real [ __ ] that i could see you doing a real crime and i'm gonna tell you a couple about you yeah okay so like a guy like you well first of all you look like you're on crystal meth like you know what i mean like i know you're not but like you look like like like it would be it would be shocking to me that a guy that looks like you isn't using crystal meth like i'd be i'm in shock that you're not why because there's not a t-shirt under the sweater what because it's just sweater-to-skin sweater-to-skin yeah and really like and just like the hair and the beard it's like it's like you just look like kind of beard well whatever like you know he's got like a civil warhead you know what i mean it just looks like like you use drugs to like get through your pain you know what i mean so i would think so i so definitely like rob in a liquor store is what you love you have that rob in a liquor store look you also look like you could be like you're you're a suspect you look like you're in any making a murderer [ __ ] like you're on the list for sure you're on the short list a couple of things happened in the summer of of uh what was that night summer of love 96 why was molested yes i was yeah so though the uh yeah uh i think i might have said this on the last pocket but yeah the uh the mckenzie brothers uh held me down and the older one skull [ __ ] me when i was taking it they tell you guys that story okay so mckenzie brothers [ __ ] mckenzie brothers every single time yeah the mckenzie boys um what happened was i was sitting down taking a [ __ ] i was to run to the group i was 12 years old these kids were 16 17 in their early 20s so i would hang out with the young kids and they would have me do you know like they were in the 40s with mustaches yeah they would like rouse me like you know like kind of like because i was young they would like you know make me do all these things i remember one time they asked me they were like yo dude like well order chinese food they're like get butt naked they said and put on this miami dolphins helmet and your mother's high heels and i was like okay that's a weird i swear to god no this is true i swear to god so we opened the door so they said and then answer the chinese food guys yo it'll be funny answer the chinese uh answer the for the chinese like that with the miami dolphins helmet on bought naked your mother's high heels and i was like absolutely dude i want you guys to like me so so it's all so there's a true coffee in the making how this true come back in the morning so literally we all go down we're like dying left like this really great open the door see obviously the chinese guy's [ __ ] surprised then they push me out the door and locked the door so now i'm butt naked on the actual public brooklyn street with china with the chinese delivery guy yep butt naked with my mom's high heels which are now flown off my shoes fell off like the jerky boys with my [ __ ] miami dolphins head on and then they made me stay out there for about two hours oh wow yeah sorry and it was like a brisk march day so um so that happened so i was like ah but these guys love me and then and then i was sitting on the toilet one night uh one day taking a [ __ ] and one of them jumped on my lap and then the other one got up and just [ __ ] gave me a nice pump nice skull [ __ ] pump two pumps and my head hit back it knocked off the tire mouth i swear to god knocked off a tile my mother's uh one of our ceramic tiles in the bathroom [ __ ] knocked it back off like i literally a tile thing by the way your friends were gay yeah yeah yeah but you you know that story is 100 true because that's so [ __ ] specific yeah my head hit the tile and it broke because i was just taking a [ __ ] you shoved a dick in your mouth literally hard dick opened up my mouth and popped one and i always get and i was like and i was like no dude i'm [ __ ] an idiot your friends were well they were they were they were ones mckenzie brothers a couple heroes working in tandem and then and you know i've told that story once and somebody's like oh my god like that's like you should report that to police like that you were like sonomized and i was like yeah but as the mackenzie brothers dick was coming i took a lick on the tip like a tootsie pop okay so it's not like oh you're a participatory yeah i was i think i was being raped until i saw that peel and then i just took a little lip i took a little lippy dippy yeah and i just you know what i mean yeah and uh why not be like oh the last ditch effort of symmania in 1938 the nazis sold out madison square garden my peoples they sold out they sold out msg how many shows did they do i don't know but i'll tell you one thing you could say what you want about hitler i'm not a fan but my man sold tickets yeah the nazi party was deep he was selling out theaters in germany you know so yeah it's like jeff jeff dunham jeff dunham and hitler are the same [ __ ] dude it's like john wilkes booth dude yeah no he [ __ ] that dude yo he could act man you know he's like a theater he packed a theater out man he had bars but you know what i mean he killed he killed the old old ape whenever i i'm looking forward to do it but i only said he has to do it because i was like oh this gives me a reason to come to l.a and get on the podcast i i like uh kimmel yeah i like him too i don't know him but he i just everybody i know i know his sister do you see him doing kobe bryant stuff who's the host monster monster monster his show is the edgiest coolest one out of all those late nights you ever see him crying over don rickles oh yeah no i love that you'll see him cry i mean he's great he was crying on over don he loved don rickles and he couldn't stop crying he was just [ __ ] gay homo for that no no no no no no no no no i didn't hey i don't mean that in this climate man i'm sorry for the plants my vlds are high man can't blame that on your on your bigotry right and i'll be like dude you don't don't say that i'll be like no i am that's what i am so everybody does different something different some people want but i'll be there i'll tell you this dude if i'm gay bro i would be shocked see if i'm gay i'd be if i'm gay i'd be relieved yeah that's the thing with me is because i can't even really take a good look because my father's still alive so my i got an old school father 75 year old brooklyn you know tony balls is his nickname so i can't even look inside to see if there's a little gay in there because it feels like there's a little game there like like i'm plant-based i'm on a plant-based diet right now and you're building like a strong gay you're built like a strong and i'm a strong guy and people tell me you know i'm a power i'm a i'm a power bottom um i got a big fat ass um i love whitney houston my favorite movies little women or pretty woman um you know i [ __ ] jerk off to guys like all those things all those things are gay so sometimes i feel like i can say that f word which is derogatory and i don't mean any harm but i can say because i know deep down i am one i know that there's one just pouncing around in there um oh yeah i could see a little tigger inside of you man yeah because the thing is even though i did get two pumps i got skull [ __ ] by the mckenzie brothers two pumps i did give it a lick as it was coming off so that's so that changes everything you do colleges yeah i do colleges oh really well i yeah i do him now a little bit but i was a couple years ago he's not allowed to anymore honestly yeah no actually really no dude the podcast my history aina's podcast because we just go [ __ ] wild for history in nature they um the colleges are starting to come around again because the kids listen to it and it's like you know we're just talking about uncomfortable truths in history but the best thing to do is well you're bombing like in new york at a comedy seller and you're just eating a zero like you know those old school guys bobby kelly keith roberts and colin quinn you'll just like bomb and then you're just like so where are you from and bob you'll hear bobby go shut up you're bombing shut up and they'll just be like heckling you from the back and you're just eating it even more like oh everyone bobby kelly and they're like shut up you're eating it shut up sit in the bomb you'll hear college [Laughter] you're trying to get out of it sit in the bomb as uh 191 total cholesterol hdl is at 61 triglycerides at 75. non-hdl is at 131. speak in ethiopian ldl cholesterol 116 and the vldl cholesterol which is for transgender people was 15. yeah you got a transgender reading yeah okay so so i had a transgender you identify as a transgender man i dynamize a trans i well right now i think it depends because here's the thing is if if if you know we live in a free society right now and there's days where i do genuinely feel like a transgender eskimo so i don't know why i can't just get in my little igloo so it's get a piece of halibut and make it a [ __ ] there's something about that mustache i feel like i've been tickled by you before that's not even a mustache that's a mustache [Music] you

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 316,726

Keywords: chris distefano, yinyang monkey, chris distefano funniest podcast moments, chris distefano compilation, comedy, stand up comedian, your moms house, tfatk, joe rogan, this past weekend, theo von

Id: RMaP_eCbGbk

Length: 25min 1sec (1501 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 04 2021