What is "intimacy avoidance"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

hi everyone its dr. Romani welcome back to this series which is sort of a glossary or a handbook of terms that are relevant to understanding narcissism and narcissistic relationships the reason for this series is because these terms are often floated around and articles and blogs and videos and some people don't even know what they mean and from my some of you you may not even have heard of some of these terms and they may just simply illuminate your understanding of these kinds of personality patterns and these kinds of relationships today we're going to take on the topic of intimacy avoidance but before I get to that I'm always going to please invite you to consider subscribing to this channel hit the subscribe button and also consider hitting the bell and you'll get notifications every time we put out new videos so let's talk about intimacy avoidance intimacy is a pretty tricky word most people take it right to sex now sex and sexual activity is actually a pretty small piece pretty some last slice of the intimacy pie now when we look at a framework such as the one offered by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or the DSM and how that book views personality functioning the author's they're referred to intimacy as the ability and the desire to establish and maintain enduring and satisfying relationships in a variety of areas and these can be close romantic relationships friendships collegial relationships but close close relationships but the ability to maintain in that closeness over time and to maintain these as relationships with depth is the core of intimacy now in the new way the new sort of formulation they're thinking about personality disorders in the DSM the dsm-5 narcissistic personality and other sorts of related personality disorders that are also characterized by patterns of conflict antagonism and dysregulation are all believed to be disorders of intimacy in patterns such as narcissism and narcissistic personality intimacy can be hampered because relationships for narcissistic individuals are very superficial and even when there is an interest in forming close relationships there is a limited capacity to maintain these relationships for the long term or there's the anticipation that forget putting any effort in the relationships are probably just going to go badly intimacy is often viewed through a prison of contempt by people with narcissistic and related personality styles in some ways there is a deeply seeded almost unconscious belief that relationships are harmful and in this way the challenges with attachment that so many narcissist have I'd say all of our sisters have mean that they really don't see any value or more importantly they actually don't see any safety in relationships so intimacy is really not worth the risk or the effort and doesn't really seem to matter now that's not to say that narcissistic personalities don't want close relationships they definitely do but since they view these relationships rather suspiciously it can all often degrade into a sense of contempt as though there's a certain weakness inherent in intimacy and closeness in many ways because of the narcissists deep insecurity intimacy represents a threat it's a threat of ego injury a threat of disappointment a threat of abandonment all of which they perceive as a threat so in close relationships for example romantic relationships intimacy avoidance can be very confusing because narcissistic personalities can be very sexualized in their presentation very seductive very attention-seeking very focused on sex and during the love-bombing phase there can be lots of seductive and sexualized kinds of experiences for many narcissistic individuals sex can almost be performative it's much more about how it looks and it can really be a source of validation sex can also be quite coercive and controlling within narcissistic relationships and used as a tool of guilt manipulation Menace and control boundaries around sex can feel very confused in narcissistic relationships and this kind of confuses the issues around intimacy now in fact when people do not understand that sex like I was saying before that sex is not intimacy per se but rather that intimacy is actually about depth consistency and valuing closeness then that's the wake-up call at how devoid their relationship their narcissistic really chip is when it comes to intimacy now in narcissistic relationships sex is often wielded as the only tool of intimacy and it could be manipulated as like yeah if you're not having sex with me then we're not intimate then one sex sex actually happens in a narcissistic relationship or it's part of the intimate relationship actually frankly the narcissist may actually believe that they're off the hook for anything further that's all the closeness you're going to get and then the other deeper elements of intimacy are very likely to be missing in fact people in narcissistic relationships may often feel that sex is as it's a space that's really fraught with manipulation and power struggles rather than being a connected and safe space now that said well sex is only a piece of intimacy and only if it is associated with something deeper then exactly where does the intimacy come when it comes to a narcissistic relationship it really doesn't the early days of a relationship with a narcissistic partner don't know it's characterized by love bombing over mirroring lots of shared experiences and possibly exciting sexual experiences that can feel like intimacy but that in part is because many people missed the point that by definition intimacy implies depth and consistency both of which are lacking in a narcissistic relationship but the early frenzy of activity in a narcissistic relationship and the intense interest that they often have in trying to get to knew a person yeah get to know a new person it can really confuse the issue now over time you will realize that when you and then over time you're gonna realize that you are actually malnourished when it comes to intimacy in a narcissistic relationship the lack of deep connection the lack of any interest in you the superficiality the avoidance of talking about any kinds of deep or emotional matters can sneak up on you slowly and when you attempt to address these issues you will often face disrespect resistance denial contempt and gaslighting now as I noted in the video on bread crumbing they give you just enough just enough whatever it is you need to keep you on the hook in that way they actually are starving you of intimacy and you may not even understand it's happening you will just think that oh no maybe you guys are a little distant but that lack of connection and that lack of depth really leaves an uncomfortable feeling many people identify the intimacy avoidance pattern in their relationship with a narcissist as they become less and less comfortable in having sex with their narcissistic partner in essence they feel increasingly as though they are living with a stranger and even though the regular routines are present and it may kind of have the bells and whistles of a relationship the lack of intimacy including lack of closeness vulnerability lack of trust and the sort of general superficiality of the relationship all mean that's a bit like having sex with a stranger and it doesn't feel okay a phenomenon that has been labeled intimacy anorexia is something that has been put forth by a man named dr. Douglas Weiss now this pattern is characterized by withholding all forms of intimacy from a partner interestingly Weiss himself doesn't really connect this to narcissism per se but rather he stipulates that it could be connected to patterns such as manipulation and coercion now many of the patterns that Weiss highlights as being part of intimacy anorexia basically read as a handbook of what happens in narcissistic relationships when it comes to any of the themes we usually see it think about it's it's what he says is he raises things like blaming the partner withholding love withholding praise withholding sex withholding feelings but issuing criticism you'll also see controlling behaviors such as financial control he also highlights patterns such as the intimacy anorexic part partner as always being too busy and again and again that is a theme that is often observed in narcissistic relationships Weiss connects many of these patterns to attachment issues and since narcissism is an attachment as an attachment issue at its core it's no wonder I at least I don't think it's any wonder that there's so much overlap the withholding and the absence of true intimacy and a narcissistic relationship is a classical hallmark of these relationships it often doesn't get identified as such by the people in the relationship because it happened gradually and again because a lot of the bells and whistles of a relationship are still present you still go out to dinner you still do holidays together you still take vacations together another piece that also is quite interesting is that narcissistic individuals may often be extroverts and they hate to be alone which can confuse us because we may think that they actually value relationships in fact hmm they need people but they need people for narcissistic supply but they really don't want to be bothered with the engaged deep and long term relationships characterized by respect and compassion because that's what intimacy means just simply having lots of people around doesn't imply intimacy and closeness but as our understanding of intimacy evolves we are understanding narcissism narcissistic personality disorder and similar patterns to be deficits in intimacy even though the narcissist is often the life of the party their preference for all things superficial means that it's never likely to go much deeper than that this pattern is deeply frustrating and it can leave narcissistic relationships feeling like intimacy and closeness deserts but deserts that are also peppered with blame manipulation coercion and control anyone who's ever been in a narcissistic relationship recognizes that these are spaces where intimacy has left the room long ago the maybe not always intentional but definitely the apps of intimacy in a narcissistic relationship and almost there sort of dodging that level of depth and closeness can be very confusing for someone who doesn't understand what the true depth of intimacy is and then once you realize that these relationships that narcissistic relationships so often really are largely about withholding and control the entire concept of intimacy avoidance by a narcissist can really really really help you understand why these relationships can often just feel like a drum they have shape and form and they make a lot of noise but there's nothing inside I hope this video helps you understand the sort of theme and concept of intimacy avoidance which is such a hallmark of something we observe in close relationships with narcissists keep tuning in if you're interested in this in this series and all of our other content please subscribe to this channel hit that button that says subscribe and then if you want hit that bell and you'll get notifications on a regular basis whenever a new video comes out thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

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Id: 30mNhZEow6s

Length: 16min 51sec (1011 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 27 2020